why some parents hide their child is prepping for 11 plus?

[freesoul12]

I openly tell everyone if its asked about prepping for grammer schools . I have also come across to few moms in my dd1 s school they expressed like no way my child is doing that , then they all turned for the exam ? I mean why not admitting it , Is it something I dont get it? I mean I am sure if your child cant get through no one judge parents or child . I dont. As parent we do try our best to give every opportunity but did not know this is hard for parents to admit openly

Maybe they are just not prepping for it (which tbh is how it should be rather than drilling your child) but are happy for their child to sit the exam.

Maybe they don't want to put pressure on their dc. Maybe they are aware it's a competition; if you knew you might work your dc harder.

It's not really any one else's business is it?

I'm not going to go broadcasting it. The people I'm close to already know.

But would you ask others then ? I have been asked , they were strongly against grammer schools.

that could be point

Sitting the exam and prepping for the exam are two separate things.

Forcing your child to prep for the 11+ sets them up to fail later in life, in my opinion. if they need tutoring to get into the school, they're not actually bright enough to be there.

There seems to be a weird competition about children who have to have tutors and those with natural ability. However, things like practising the tests, familiarity and discussion of answers are helpful and it would be unfair to send a child to do the test without it. It's unlike anything else they've done so they should have some exposure. People often don't count that as tutoring so brag that their child didn't need tutoring.

I gave five tutor sessions to a child who when he did a practice test absolutely tanked it. However, he was very bright and once he'd understood the systems and peculiarities of the test he was very able to pass and pass well.

Technically mine didn't have tutoring as I didn't pay for an outside tutor. However, I gave them prep/practice and help where needed as I wanted them to feel confident going in. I consider that tutoring but many wouldn't.

There is an argument that if the child requires hours (years/months) of tutoring to be able to pass the test then perhaps they aren't working at that level and will struggle at Grammar school. However, that is no-one's business really and there is some research to show a child who is bottom in a Grammar school is likely to do better than higher in a comp. (Apparently)

I mean i understand that. But my point is you are tutoring your child secretly for 11 plus. I dont think so its something to do putting pressure on your child by sharing with another mum from school

It’s just a culture thing, some cultures are open about being pushy parents, whereas other cultures try to be more modest or at least less ‘in your face’ about it.

I have a child in a grammar school, the mums openly talk about exam results, especially if they’ve done well- it’s on a WhatsApp group and comes across as bragging to me but they probably don’t mean it that way. Never known this in my local, non-grammar, state schools. No-one would be comparing results in the playground- not least because I imagine it might be hard to listen to for any parent of a struggling child.

I agree with you but the issue is that it's not a level playing field as the others are all coached.
This continues through to a levels and my daughter has many friends who've gone on to study medicine, pharmacy etc who've been tutored from early childhood.

And no, I wouldn’t be telling you that my child was doing some exam prep for the 11 plus as I don’t think it’s appropriate playground talk. If they don’t get through then the fewer people that know the better for the child. Plus by sitting the 11 plus you’re kinda saying you think your child is bright- again it’s just bragging.

My DD just did the 11+ this year. I didn't hothouse her and I didn't discuss it with other parents because I hate hearing stories of kids being forced to spend their summer and weekends in 11+ boot camp. As PL said, if she's bright enough she'll find her level naturally. I'm happy with that. I have zero interest in competitive parenting.

I don’t think it is anyone’s business. As someone else said upthread the people close to my child and family already know. I will not outright lie but I also am not going to share my educational choices with any random at the school gate or in the WhatsApp group.

I don't live in a grammar school area, but I know several children who are tutored (eg to give them a bit of extra help in maths) and it's not usually something the parents mention except to close friends.

I am always shocked by the amount of tutoring that goes on these days. I lived in an 11+ area where everyone sat the 11+ at primary school as standard even the ones who had no hope in passing with very little (if any) prep, I feel like we might have had a practice test at one point for exam conditions etc. It's just not a level playing now.

Why does anyone have to tell anyone? My Son was tutored for the 11+ (not had results yet) and the only people who know are close friends who have also expressed an interest in Grammar School. No one else cares/needs to know. If a friend has expressed an interest in having a tutor aswell, ive passed on the tutor details to them as ours was amazing (and not pushy at all!).

i imagine there are lots of kids who have tutors/extra help just for normal school work, so should they also tell everyone they are being given a boost? Absolutely not. Every individual family should do what they feel is best for their own children and not have to share it with anyone.

If you are happy telling everyone that's up to you. Mine didn't do the 11+ but when questions have come up about grades, sats,etc I don't respond. People don't owe you an explanation.

Because it is no-one else's business? If a kid wants to tell their friends or whoever they are getting extra tutoring, then that's up to them. But the parents don't need to tell everyone as it really has no relevance for anyone else - why would it?

They're probably the same people who used to say in school "I've hardly done ANY revision!" when they'd actually spent many hours revising. That always used to baffle me. Faux modesty or something else, I never did figure out.

Maybe they are aware it's a competition; if you knew you might work your dc harder

I would assume it's this.

It might be because other parents have weird attitudes? As seen on this thread lol.

I mentioned in passing that my child has a tutor (I was explaining why we couldn’t meet at a certain time), and a parent spoke very aggressively to say their child didn’t need a tutor and anyway they didn’t think children should be at grammar school if they need a tutor to get in.

I was a bit 🤔 as my child isn’t applying to grammar, we’re happily staying at current independent school which goes to age 18, but child has a tutor because child is gifted at maths and adores it but isn’t stretched enough by the school, and having a fun maths lesson at the weekend is for him what a football lesson is for some other children. Plus we can afford it and an hr of maths on zoom is healthier than an hr of Fortnite, so why on earth not?

But anyway, I was quite startled by how aggressively this (otherwise pleasant) parent spoke to me, and I won’t mention to anyone again that we have a tutor.

The other possibility is that they simply change their minds OP. My friend spent 2 yrs mocking grammars and tutors then suddenly had a panic and now her son
has a tutor twice a week 🤷‍♀️

It’s a weird thing. Children talk so you know they are being tutored but it’s not talked about by adults. It can catch you by surprise if you aren’t clued up.

We never did any prepping. There aren’t even any grammar schools round here. But they all took the exam. It’s used for sets in secondary school. It would be stupid to prep because then they’d be put in a set that is too advanced and too fast for them to keep up.

This.
Its one big competition. No one in a competition wants to give other competitors an advantage!?
People who are saying ‘in my day we all just sat the test, no one had tutoring’ or ‘if your child isn’t clever enough to get in without tutoring then they shouldn’t be there / will struggle are way way out of date. It’s not the 1990’s any more sadly.
The reality is now, that in grammar areas, you are against other children. Not your own mark, you are against how much tutoring and preparation other children have had.
Unless you are in the top 1/2% academically, you won’t stand a chance without preparation. And that a direct result of the test being harder because so many people tutor. So the bar raises and raises. There are only enough spaces for the top 25% to pass.
Most of the questions in the actual test will not have been covered in y5. They are year 6/7 and even year 8 questions.
When your child actually gets to grammar you realise that almost all have been tutored to get there to some degree so there is a wider range of abilities than you might expect.
Of course if your child went to a prep school and has been doing nothing but 11+ work since y2 then yes, they might struggle. But most are tutored in y5 alongside normal state school classes.

I would say it is because you don't want everyone asking how it went after the results come out. I didn't bang on about them doing the exam beforehand although i wouldn't have lied about it. Ds1 passed Ds2 didn't (neither were tutored, both did past papers at home as preparation) and was quite upset about it. He didn't want a constant stream of "How did it go?" from randoms.