why some parents hide their child is prepping for 11 plus?

[freesoul12]

I openly tell everyone if its asked about prepping for grammer schools . I have also come across to few moms in my dd1 s school they expressed like no way my child is doing that , then they all turned for the exam ? I mean why not admitting it , Is it something I dont get it? I mean I am sure if your child cant get through no one judge parents or child . I dont. As parent we do try our best to give every opportunity but did not know this is hard for parents to admit openly

Because

1. it is not a level playing field and never will be
2. some parents have tutors and can afford them some don’t - so like to vocalise it, some don’t
3. some buy workbooks, decent computers and resources because they can afford it or want to and some can’t

mine were not tutored for the 11 plus but we did get a practice paper from the school and did just that practiced it - set a timer and looked at the results discussed the answers and made sure you understood where she had gone wrong - that’s it 🤷‍♀️

some kids have natural ability some dont
some have tutoring or parental help some don’t

my sister put her son in for the 11 plus and it was carnage as he failed - and she lost the plot. She was ranting and raving about him being stupid etc she employed a tutor to live in with them and literally an hour before school and two hours after school. She paid for a private school he still had to do the exam. The poor boy has continued with high tutoring every single day 7 days a week whilst in year 7 and now going into year 8 - because she is worried he reflects on her. In my mind it is child abuse as he can’t fail ever again. does she tell anyone else - no as she doesn’t want anyone to know. im pretty much NC with her as I don’t agree with her on many issues - this being one.

She always on at me about why my daughter doesn’t have a tutor but she had an outstanding primary and outstanding teachers. She had me who brought all the CGP books and she was driven and did them
all herself. I don’t push her - she drives herself,

therein is the issue you can tutor them beyond the line but what happens in year 7.8,9 when does it stop?

I know a parent who has just phoned a university about her son needing tutoring as he is not getting assignments in (he had them in year 12/13 paid for via her and a private school that nursed him through a levels) so what happens now! ?? Apparently he needs a homework club 😳university laughed but mum is looking for a graduate who is taking a year out to tutor him!

in our case kids work very hard on their own - there have sat GCSEs early and a levels early / we don’t tell anyone as we don’t need to.

Unfortunately there is some content on the 11+ in my area that is not covered in depth until Year 6. Given the exam is in the first couple of weeks of year 6, many kids would have no chance of passing without some sort of tutoring. In this case it's not about ability, they have no chance if they've not been taught the content yet.

I haven't used tutors but have tutored My 3 myself and openly discuss it if asked.
I defy anyone to say a bright child could pass VR and NVR with no familiarisation at all. All this if they are bright enough they will pass is quite frankly not true.

In the case of my children the one that only just passed went on to get straight A's and into Durham Uni where as the one that scored highly didn't do as well.
The 11 plus is not a good measure of academic excellence.
Add to the mix that super selective schools then cause the pass rate to be inflated and there is no choice but to tutor.
I have no idea why people should hide the fact they have used tutors but they definitely do.

I don’t think children have to be particularly clever to pass the 11+ or school entrance exams

many parents like to kid themselves that their child is way above average and this is the reason they passed some are but most are not they just have been taught how to

with the right prep and or tutoring a child is prepared to take an exam, learns how to take an exam is prepared over and over again on how exam questions are put forward, learns to move on from a question they do not quite understand

but this is not to be talked about 🤫

Why is it your business? I didn’t tell many people when we started prepping DS for 11plus. His top choice schools were quite competitive. We created a study plan and prep strategy that suited DS and got on with it. Some friends asked and we just said “hmm, let’s see” and changed the topic. Not telling anyone helped DS stay calm and focussed.

I agree that the child should be familiar with the questions, but it is not necessary for either parents or a tutor to prep. I just bought DS a book and left him to work though it at his own pace. He was used to swapping work with a partner for marking at school so could check his own answers.

Absolutely. So many children are coached that those who aren't are in the minority.

I sat the 11+ and failed, largely due to having naive parents who had no idea that most children were given tuition in weaker areas (for me this was maths and that's the only component I failed).

Well lucky you. It’s a cross those of us less fortunate with bright but unmotivated kids have to bear. And as for those who hothouse their average kids with intensive tutoring well, frankly it doesn’t bother me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Unfortunately I think the 11+ brings out the worst in many parents. When my DD was doing the 11+ I asked around if anyone knew of any tutors for her. No one could even give me a number of one as suddenly their child was definitely not being tutored- they were, their tutor was retiring so was only tutoring their child as a favour as they had taught the brother, their 3rd cousins best friend who was an 11+ expert was doing the tutoring but only was tutoring their child no one else or they had booked their tutor 5 years ago - hadn't I! You get the idea. It was weird.

Why does it matter? So you like to tell people the detail of your child's preparation for an exam but others don't. Surely it just personal preference and doesn't actually affect you? I'm so pleased that we didn't need to get involved in any of that competitive parenting.

To not put pressure on the child.

Not hating anyone. Just pointing out it's not just a choice of a parent or tutor prepping. DS is not the motivated type either, believe me!

I don’t think the op is bothered she isn’t being told it’s the secretiveness of it all that she finds strange

it is strange a pretence that all the children are super smart and deserving because of this

it also plays into privilege and how it improves your chances another thing that just can’t be mentioned god forbid

To be honest I dont care , post is created for those parents who wants to take all information out from you by asking directly and then say, no we are not doing it because we dont like grammer schools s elite pushing environment.
I mean whats wrong with that saying yes we are trying , doing best for children.

May be I am open book. UK is not my birthplace. I found people are really private here.

Yeah I tottally get your point .

we are basic earning family , both my daughters have tutors for 1-1 sessions. I had to give up nails, eyelashes , work lunches, branded clothes from last year. But I chose to invest in my children . whether they get in grammer schools or not , I am not bothered but my duty is to provide them a platform.

I dont know why people judge

Exactly, no one hides sports activities, its pretty much on every parent s social media and there is coach for every game to get the best out of your abilities so why hiding academically side ?

they just outright lied , they must have signed up before. its crazy isn't it

I was always totally open about our DDs being tutored for the 11+. The 11+ papers are like nothing they will have seen before and contain content that simply isn't covered until the end of Yr6 in school.

DD2 was G&T at primary school and got 3 Level 6s in her Yr6 SATs and we still happily had her tutored.

@freesoul12 it was hiding from me that really annoyed me. This person could have easily styled it out and pretended that they had changed their mind. Anyway, my child got a place which is all that mattered to me.

The 11+ brought out the worst in our primary school cohort. I didn't want my daughter to take it, she's a perfectionist and I worried that she would feel a failure if she missed out as nobody outside of the top 25% won a place at her grammar school despite many getting good marks.
She decided that she wanted to go to the grammar school and we signed up very late to a tutor - if you want to know who is secretly using a tutor, they're the ones proclaiming that there's no point in tutoring.
The day of the exam was interesting, Saturday morning, supposedly non-uniform, but lots of Prep School kids in full uniform to intimidate the peasants. Lots of Eastern European, African and Asian children arrived with lots of relatives in support, many white parents dumping and running - just my experience in Essex - other areas may be very different.
Scheming among the middle-classes didn't stop with winning a place, various pieces of misdirection and gamesmanship among parents seeking to gain an advantage, however slim.
Over seven years at the school, I was completely sold on the collegiate values of the place compared to the Grammar school that I attended. A-level results day was a complete eye-opener, interest in the rather few headed to Oxbridge/LSE/Med School - disdain for those who dropped grades.
Post Uni, I have a happy, hard-working child at the beginning of her chosen career.
I'm not sure that the ultimate outcome would have been different at a Comprehensive school, but single-sex seems better for girls' educational outcomes - though many seem to need a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.
More than a dozen GCSEs and 4 or 5 A-levels is impressive, but as Cambridge said "you are judged on the grades for three", so matching the child's stamina is key.

Good luck to all and please don't make them miserable by reliving your own childhood through them.

The eleven plus content is not covered in the curriculum at year five apart from a few basic crossovers. Some sections will literally never be covered in schools so I would be very surprised if even the brightest child could pass without tutoring.
And that's without even considering that your child would be up against children who majority have been coached.
It's a shame that for many girls that passing the eleven plus is the only way they'll get a single sex environment as studies prove this is far better for them.
It doesn't seem very fair or inclusive to deny that based on academia.
For boys I imagine the only real difference is networking opportunities as they will largely be mixing with the upper and middle classes.

I think this thread has nicely demonstrated the variety of judgemental attitudes that are the reason that some parents are secretive about grammar prep.

We've had "children who are tutored are going to struggle in grammar" the implication being that, if you choose to tutor your child probably isn't 'grammar material'.

References to hot-housing, competetive parents who are obviously giving their children an unfair advantage and if the kids were bright enough, they'd pass easily with minimal prep.

We've even had 'parents who send their kids to grammar obviously don't think their kids are bright enough to succeed in the local comp'.

I'm with you OP, I'm quite open about our choices if asked, although don't sing them from the rooftops. However, the grammar system really brings out judgemental attitudes on all sides, so I understand why other people play their cards closer to their chests.

@Whayzinaname DS's school used the CEM test, from the practice test book it didn't look like things that could be taught, though I think the familiarisation may have helped him. We'd just arrived in the country so couldn't compare what was taught in school.

Never hid that I tutored although many parents seem to think of children are bright enough they shouldn't need it. Those parents haven't seen some of the 11+ questions. No way would an average state school prepare them for that kid of test!

Also the joys of home schooling put me off teaching my own children forever beyond the basics! Plus a tutor can explain concepts in different ways.

I don't look on tutoring as a waste should they not pass the exam. A couple of hours extra a week is not excessive and will stand them in good stead regardless of outcome.

Parents here are pretty open about tutoring. Midlands.

Because they want to make out their child is so clever they did it without intervention