why some parents hide their child is prepping for 11 plus?

[freesoul12]

I openly tell everyone if its asked about prepping for grammer schools . I have also come across to few moms in my dd1 s school they expressed like no way my child is doing that , then they all turned for the exam ? I mean why not admitting it , Is it something I dont get it? I mean I am sure if your child cant get through no one judge parents or child . I dont. As parent we do try our best to give every opportunity but did not know this is hard for parents to admit openly

Because bright kids will do well anywhere and if you think your child has to do all the 11+ malarkey then I guess you're broadcasting that you have concerns about your child's abilities. Some parents will be embarrassed about this, I'm guessing.

Probably for the same reason I never discuss my child’s reading band, parents evening feedback, SATS scores etc - it’s no-one else’s business and I have literally zero interest in how another child’s education is going! The bigger question is why do you care that you’re not informed?

Plus by sitting the 11 plus you’re kinda saying you think your child is bright- again it’s just bragging.

What is wrong with thinking your child is bright? Should I hold mine back for fear of being labelled someone who brags?!
We are outside the catchment of all local co-Ed schools so my dd will be sent to the local girls school which she doesn’t want to go to. There is the option of sitting the 11plus for a semi selective (non grammar) co Ed school about 5 miles away. How is it bragging, telling anyone that she’s going to do the 11 plus? It doesn’t mean she’ll get a high enough mark to get in. It just gives her a potential opportunity to attend a coed school that she wouldn’t otherwise have.

Maybe because they are the parents who see it for how silly it is and if their child passed then great and if they don't then oh well

It's one thing to not pass because you didn't study, it's another thing not to pass when you did.

People judge.

Your judging parents for not telling that their kids have tutors. Why do you need to know?

Just to add, she isn’t being tutored. She has two practise test books and that’s all.

I never hid the fact my DS had a few sessions with a tutor. But then again, I don't give a toss what other people think!

Funny thing was that the tutor was very evasive when we booked lessons and seemed to spend more time than would be expected to "check his diary" and if in person would hide the page by putting his diary behind a stack of books!

On one visit, he asked DS to go a few minutes early and seemed particularly "jumpy" and ended the lesson the same few minutes early. As we were heading out, one of DS's classmates was walking in and his mother looked completely shell-shocked to see us.

Then it made sense to us, she'd obviously asked the tutor to keep it quiet that her DS was having tutoring, and she already knew we were sending our DS - we'd talked about it and she never mentioned her DS was going!

Can't understand why she was so secretive about it.

Its not a case of hiding it. Its a case of its none of their business.

Isn’t it terribly bad luck to announce you are going for anything? Be it the 11+, job interview, driving test, trying for a baby. And then you have to deal with loads of people asking how you did. Fine if you are successful, painful if you are not.

In the case of my child I wouldn’t consider it my news to tell to all the other parents, who then tell their kids. It’s my child going through it and it is up to them which of their friends they tell.

I can see being vehemently against the 11+ and then doing the test is a bit weird but people change their minds. Especially I find when it comes to school admissions! I thought I would be cool as a cucumber, knowing I supported my kids to learn and that was the most important thing. Then the madness and fear set in…. I probably would have been a last minute 11+er with my eldest except I was TOO last minute, not realising I had to apply in the May of year 5. Oh so much guilt!! And conflicting feelings because I don’t believe in the grammar system but when it comes to your own child… The kind of tough emotions that I only shared with close friends, not everyone at the school gates. (DC very happy and thriving at local comp now.)

Eh? Where this idea come from that the "bright" kids do 11+? I thought the worried parents put their kids forward for it because they were worried they wouldn't do well in the local comp.I have a "bright" kid, I didn't feel the need to do any 11+ nonsense. She has gone to the secondary school that serves the surrounding villages and is doing great. Maybe some people don't have good Secondaries near them, but they lie because it sounds snobby to say you're not sending them there.

Well some people will judge, it is elitist after all

This is a really interesting attitude. I agree it is immensely unfair that some families can afford tuition and others not. But it sounds like you are saying the kids are not really good enough and once the tuition ends they won’t be able to succeed at work etc.

Would you say the same about a child or young person pursuing a sport? ‘All that coaching is setting them up to fail as they obviously don’t have real talent if they are needing all that training’?

If the kids have a good tutor they should be helping them develop strategies and study skills that will last them for life. And the kids should be doing the hard work - just like a kid gymnast does all the strengthening work, stretches and practice with the support and guidance of their coach.

Sorry that was in response to @Winterscomingagain and @MolliciousIntent I pressed reply but it didn’t work.

Probably in case the child fails.

They just don’t want to talk about it.

All these types of conversations end up in school mums drama. I avoid this like the plague and keep my mouth shut, except for the very few I am truly friends with.

Maybe they’re just not?

This is a bit of a wind up comment surely? I agree bright kids do well anywhere but if you want a certain kind of academic education and you don't pay then it's going to have to be grammar. It depends on your area. We have lots of grammar schools in Manchester Trafford. There are some good comps too. Helps if you are Catholic around here.

My ds goes to a lovely all boys grammar with amazing facilities, great results, supportive staff, great focus on extracurricular, not too far, faith school (which i preferred). No brainer.

I don't hide tutoring. I'm arranging it now for next year for ds2 and I've told my friends as they want to use the same tutor.

Swapping scores is nerve wracking and makes you feel bad. I try not to do that!

They may not have prepped? Or done what they would call prepping. I just bought DS a practice test book and he worked through it on his own, I wasn't involved at all. He had no issues getting into a super selective.

Unfortunately, this just isn't true.

Currently there are things on the test that are not taught in state schools but ARE taught in prep schools, giving the privately taught kids a huge advantage. Add to that the language used in the questions (lots of talk of musical instruments and boating terminology) and it's really rather clear that the test is skewed toward middle class children, rather than bright ones.

Where I live there are around 8K kids from across 2 counties fighting for about 250 places and those places are going to go to prepped or tutored kids 99% of the time. There will be exceptions, of course, but they will be in the vast minority.

Well I had someone tell me that their child wasn’t going to do the 11 plus. I didn’t ask them. They volunteered the information. Two weeks later I saw them at a grammer school open day. They tried to hide from me but I saw them! Just plain weird.

I see your point, but the difference is that with sport its expected that you keep that level of coaching up indefinitely, for as long as you're competing, that's how it works. The coaching is the equivalent of school, in this scenario.

The difference between that and tutoring for the 11+ is that once the exam is over, the need for tutoring should cease. But if you've been coached beyond your ability, you'll likely continue to need coaching to keep up after the exam. So the kid who did hours of tutoring each week to pass the test then needs hours of tutoring each week to keep up with their peers.

All a bright kid should need to pass the 11+ is a couple of practice papers and a few hours of lunchtime prep from their school, which pretty much all grammar county states offer.

This isn’t true, you have to do at least some prep to pass the 11+ just to get used to the questions. I doubt anyone could turn up and pass with zero prep. The only question is if parents do the prep or a tutor. We used a tutor because dd won’t take instruction from us, but was definitely bright enough. But it’s bullshit to say there’s no judgment from others, there’s huge amounts of judgement, snobbery, inverted snobbery, whether pro- or anti-tutoring or for or against the 11+ itself.

To add I’d prefer the 11+ be abolished but my dd sat it because that’s the system we’re living under, which makes me a hypocrite. I wouldn’t lie about tutoring/sitting it though.

One school mum spring to mind for this now - frequently started conversations about grammar school and how her child was NOT prepping for it/having a tutor and overly interested in who was applying.

Her child then let it 'slip' on occasion about having to get home for the tutor/how much extra work they had to do. At least once they panicked afterwards and told the hosting parent not to tell their mum they had said anything - so clearly the child themselves knew that it had to be a secret.

Whilst it really is no one else business, and I don't think it is wrong at all not to broadcast it/answer intrusive unprompted questions it is another thing entirely to actively seek other people's information on the topic and then lie without prompt to cover you own. In that case competitiveness gone too far is the mildest explanation.

It’s a strange one op I’ve found this and don’t get it

no one admitted to their children seeing a tutor to pass the 11+ and school entry exams

its seems so gauche 😆