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Original poster

DP sneaked to Strip Club

88 replies

WhatOnEarth22 · 09/10/2022 11:49

It feels like my world has crumbled over night. Got home early around 10pm from dinner and drinks with friends, DP nowhere to be seen. He was spending the evening home with our 4 month old pup. Tried calling, no answer. Noted the back door keys where gone, which was unusual. DP eventually answered the phone and sounded completely out of it, said he was in a taxi and been to pub with work friends.

DP does not socialise with work friends, I thought this was odd. He came home, completely out of it, alcohol and cocaine. This is the first time in my life I have known/seen my partner under the influence of cocaine. As far as I was aware, he was anti drugs (and so am I). Told me he went out the back so I didn’t see him leave on the Ringo, something didn’t feel right so I asked him to leave and go to his mums.

30 minutes later I received a text saying that he was really sorry, he’s lied, got completely off his face, got a taxi into town and spent £150 at a strip club. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.

For background, we have been together for 4 years. I would say we are inseparable, best friends, similar interests, intimate and I have never ever had any reason to doubt my partner. He is the love of my life, he rarely drinks or goes out as he is training a lot for various marathons.

We’ve had a difficult 13 months battling recurrent miscarriage but if anything it’s brought us stronger.

I can’t get my head around the fact that he’s A) snuck out the house like a teenager B) used cocaine and C) spent money on a dance at a strip club.

This is extremely unusual, bizarre and never in a million years would I have thought he would do this. I don’t know why I’m posting, but I feel so lonely, lost and devastated about where we go from here.

It’s destroyed my confidence in seconds and I feel sick knowing he’s been aroused by another woman. The cocaine element is also very disturbing.

Please somebody save me from
this misery. He’s agreed to give me space and go to his Mums.

OP posts:
Thehop · 09/10/2022 11:53

Do you have someone in real life to talk to? You must be very shaken x

VeridicalVagabond · 09/10/2022 11:54

Sounds like he's having some sort of breakdown tbh, if this is that out of character for him. It sounds manic, the sort of thing my younger brother used to do out of bumfuck nowhere until he was diagnosed as bipolar in his mid-twenties. He needs to agree to speak to a professional if there's going to be any hope for your relationship.

How you're feeling is also completely valid and understandable, regardless of why he's done this, even if it is a mental health break. You take all the time you need to process, he can sit at his mum's and wait for you to be ready.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/10/2022 11:56

I agree. It sounds very odd to suddenly do all three of those things

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/10/2022 11:58

Was he by himself? As in he got very drunk at home by himself and then went to a strip club by himself? Where did he get coke from?

If it was all on his own and this is out of character I think I'd be, at this point, very concerned for his mental health. That doesn't mean I'd forgive etc but it sounds like he needs some help from somewhere as it sounds unusual behaviour from anyone.

Turtle93 · 09/10/2022 11:58

Agree with PP if this is out of character it sounds like a MH breakdown.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/10/2022 11:58

It's very strange behaviour from him I'd be worried about his state of mind if this is totally out of character.

I'm sure he is very upset over the miscarriages and men sometimes find it difficult to talk however strip clubs, cocaine, sneaking out is baffling behaviour.

Maybe it wasn't the first time he done this.

FrazzleDazz · 09/10/2022 12:01

I'd echo the PP, if it completely out of character I'd be concerned for his I overall mental health. Has he suffered with any the past? I agree if there is any hope in sorting this out he needs to access support, have the miscarriages had a greater effect on him than you realised? Otherwise he needs to have a serious word with himself and figure out why he's behaving like this.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 09/10/2022 12:09

I don't believe this will be the first time he's done that sort of thing. The sneaking out is really awful because he planned it. I couldn't cope with the cocaine or the dancing. I would feel like I didn't know him. Has there been any sign of mental illness before?

outtheshowernow · 09/10/2022 12:11

Is he bipolar ? Sounds like he could be having a manic episode

TwoWrightFeet · 09/10/2022 12:18

I can’t believe you sent more bothered about the strip club than the cocaine taking. If I was in your shoes I’d end this relationship and get one you deserve.

Coraline353 · 09/10/2022 12:21

Is there any chance he has a history of addiction from before you met? It would be unusual to get this out of control as a first time or one off. Almost sounds more like a relapse.

You're right to take some time and do look after yourself.

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 12:35

Tell him to stay at his mum’s. He’s a devious liar.

Northernsoullover · 09/10/2022 12:37

I know cocaine is easily available. But I wouldn't have a clue where to get it from. He's done this before.

JingsMahBucket · 09/10/2022 13:03

Northernsoullover · 09/10/2022 12:37

I know cocaine is easily available. But I wouldn't have a clue where to get it from. He's done this before.

Yeah, I was going to say. You need to have at least a couple of friends / sources who could get you coke that quickly. Unless there are dealers at the strip club of course... which I'm sure there are.

Original poster
WhatOnEarth22 · 09/10/2022 13:15

So DP went for pub lunch with his parents yesterday afternoon at a local pub. Ended up staying with some “old friends” and had one too many. Decided to buy cocaine - off these so called old friends. I do not know these people. Came home to let pup out, made the crazy decision to carry on taking the cocaine.. then make his way to a strip club.

DP has no history of mental illness. Yes, he has struggled with our miscarriages but he’s chose not to talk about it and revert to excessive marathon training. I have supported him
because that is his way of coping. He’s always said he drank too much prior to us being together. I like to run too, so our hobbies aligned and we never rarely drank.

The strip club has been mentioned in conversation previously, but by DP laughing about work colleagues who would end up there wasting money after work nights out (very far and few between). DP is now that person.

I really don’t know how to feel, or what to do.

OP posts:
onethirtyfive · 09/10/2022 13:43

So sorry, OP.

IMO the miscarriages are an aggravating factor in this betrayal, not mitigation. What a shit.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/10/2022 13:46

Was he expecting you home later? I doubt this is the first time tbh, just the first time he's been caught. Can you check the bank statements that he actually did spend the money in the strip club? Often when people admit to doing something wrong, they don't tell the whole story/they minimise it. I'd be worried he'd spent the money on something worse, and he's telling you a lesser story that you'll believe (because he's mentioned the strip club before) to cover that up. But I am very cynical.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/10/2022 13:53

I would be more bothered about the drugs. So he bought cocaine in the afternoon after going for a pub lunch with his parents? That's very odd

RedAmber · 09/10/2022 14:14

Coraline353 · 09/10/2022 12:21

Is there any chance he has a history of addiction from before you met? It would be unusual to get this out of control as a first time or one off. Almost sounds more like a relapse.

You're right to take some time and do look after yourself.

I agree with this. I would guess he has a history of this that you are not aware of.

If I was in your shoes I would walk away now before you have a child together.

So sorry you are going through this.

outtheshowernow · 09/10/2022 14:15

Northernsoullover · 09/10/2022 12:37

I know cocaine is easily available. But I wouldn't have a clue where to get it from. He's done this before.

You can get cocaine in most pubs theses days. It's very easy

1FootInTheRave · 09/10/2022 14:19

It would be over for me.

I hope you have the strength and self worth to end this shit show.

Spursgirl1986 · 09/10/2022 14:22

I’m so sorry op . I was with a partner and see no cocaine or extreme alcohol use for a long while . What I didn’t know was he had an addiction years ago and then relapsed and it was constant in our relationship . By that time I was pregnant , eventually I left . I am so anti drugs and it consumed and ruined my life . Sending you love xx

smartwatercrumpet · 09/10/2022 14:22

Personally, I wouldn't be considering ending a relationship over that. He's done something stupid and come clean about it. He's shared that he drank too much in the past and he's made lifestyle decisions to address it. He's probably not in a good headspace because of what you've both been through.

Cw112 · 09/10/2022 14:24

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/10/2022 11:58

It's very strange behaviour from him I'd be worried about his state of mind if this is totally out of character.

I'm sure he is very upset over the miscarriages and men sometimes find it difficult to talk however strip clubs, cocaine, sneaking out is baffling behaviour.

Maybe it wasn't the first time he done this.

This. For it to be completely unprecedented behaviour would genuinely make me think there's something underlying there that he needs to work through with a counsellor or gp but he also needs to be open with you about his reasons for acting this way. Thing is he might not completely understand them himself. If I'm being cynical I'd think it's maybe unlikely that this is the first time he's ever done cocaine or been to strip clubs as it sounds more like a behaviour he's reverted to (maybe from younger years) than brand new out of nowhere behaviour. I'd give yourself the space for a while so you can see how things go, let the initial shock settle so you can decide clearly what you need from him, but also so he has time to process his behaviours as he might be able to give better answers then. I'd be tempted to speak to someone who's known him a long time to see if he's ever dabbled before with these old friends.

I'm sorry op that's really stressful and I think I'd feel really lost and bewildered as well. Might be worth considering couples counselling when the dust settles to check in with each other. Perhaps you've felt strong together after all the heartache but he's been bottling it up to appear strong for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 14:27

It would be 100% over for me.

Thank fuck you don't have a baby with him.