DP sneaked to Strip Club

[WhatOnEarth22]

It feels like my world has crumbled over night. Got home early around 10pm from dinner and drinks with friends, DP nowhere to be seen. He was spending the evening home with our 4 month old pup. Tried calling, no answer. Noted the back door keys where gone, which was unusual. DP eventually answered the phone and sounded completely out of it, said he was in a taxi and been to pub with work friends.

DP does not socialise with work friends, I thought this was odd. He came home, completely out of it, alcohol and cocaine. This is the first time in my life I have known/seen my partner under the influence of cocaine. As far as I was aware, he was anti drugs (and so am I). Told me he went out the back so I didn’t see him leave on the Ringo, something didn’t feel right so I asked him to leave and go to his mums.

30 minutes later I received a text saying that he was really sorry, he’s lied, got completely off his face, got a taxi into town and spent £150 at a strip club. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.

For background, we have been together for 4 years. I would say we are inseparable, best friends, similar interests, intimate and I have never ever had any reason to doubt my partner. He is the love of my life, he rarely drinks or goes out as he is training a lot for various marathons.

We’ve had a difficult 13 months battling recurrent miscarriage but if anything it’s brought us stronger.

I can’t get my head around the fact that he’s A) snuck out the house like a teenager B) used cocaine and C) spent money on a dance at a strip club.

This is extremely unusual, bizarre and never in a million years would I have thought he would do this. I don’t know why I’m posting, but I feel so lonely, lost and devastated about where we go from here.

It’s destroyed my confidence in seconds and I feel sick knowing he’s been aroused by another woman. The cocaine element is also very disturbing.

Please somebody save me from
this misery. He’s agreed to give me space and go to his Mums.

I don't believe that its the first time he has used drugs
It would be the end for me for sure

He was bloody lucky to have come home at all after taking enough Cocaine to have that effect especially with alcohol. It’s cut with everything from washing powder to rat poison. It’s literally Russian Roulette every time you touch drugs which is why I never have.
As for the strip club is it possible he was so pissed he decided to try and wind you up in a really stupid way.
It sounds like a mid life crisis to me or trying to fit in with a new bunch of mates who are clearly a shower of wankers.
I’d ask him if he’d want his daughter or grandchildren being with a man who behaves like that whether he has them or not.
At the very least he sounds depressed and is trying to self medicate which is a very dangerous thing indeed.
An ultimatum is called for here along the lines of either we both go to get you help for this or you have to go.

Sounds very convenient and "accidental" to have just so easily happened on the first occasion It is very unlikely that he has not researched and acted similarly previously. Let alone spent money indulgently. Please reconsider having a baby with him.

I have never picked up on any previous behaviour that would suggest he’s used cocaine during our relationship. And given my line of work (social care) I have been exposed to entrenched and recreational drug users over the years.

DP was unrecognisable last night, it was quite frightening to see him in such a state.

Of course I am terrified that there is a risk of him already engaging in such reckless behaviour behind my back. I’ve spoken to my Mum today as we are really close, and she is shocked to the core. She has been very supportive.

I appreciate everyone’s replies and opinions. I’m not going to make any decisions overnight as I need to process what’s happened. DP will be staying at his Mums for the rest of the week whilst I try and gauge through this mess.

I really want to know if this has happened before, DP said he’s more than happy to share bank statements. I hate that I am even considering looking.
And I hate what a mess he has made.

It sounds like a MH breakdown to me too. The miscarriages are probably the cause. You said he’s been doing excessive exercise to cope, and there is pressure when you’re the man to be strong for the woman as she’s the one actually suffering the miscarriage. It sounds like he cracked and then one stupid decision to drink too much alcohol cascaded into even stupider out of character decisions of cocaine and once high on cocaine to go to a strip club.

I wouldn’t see it as a betrayal imho because he was high on alcohol and cocaine- known for making people do stupid things and also because he felt so bad he confessed to you the next morning.

The miscarriages (and I’m sorry you’ve had them as well) I agree have made you two stronger as a couple, but I think there’s been individual struggle going on that perhaps you haven’t been showing each other. Do you have any support for yourself? Does he have any male friends he can open up to as well? It’s different for men because it’s seeing someone you love suffer over and over.

I really want to know if this has happened before, DP said he’s more than happy to share bank statements. I hate that I am even considering looking

So he texted you the truth 30min after you kicked him out that night. How long does it take to get to his parents place? Did he have a phone on him? I'm wondering if he only confessed after someone pointed out that you'd find the truth anyway if you went through the bank statements. So if he could have continued to cover it up he would have done, feeding you some cock and bull storyline instead.

It screams of a former addict having a relapse.

I'm so sorry.. I would be utterly, utterly shocked too.
It's my guess that he hasn't known how to handle the miscarriages & has maybe tried to be 'the strong one' for a long time.. it sounds like last night was a 'what about ME?' moment.. and I'm not condoning it at ALL. But I would probably give him another chance if everything else has been good.. hugs to you. xx

I asked him to go to his parents because he was off his face on coke and alcohol, I didn’t suspect at this point he’d been to a strip club. He left, then text not long after saying he was sorry and that he’d lied. Then admitted going there and paying for a dance.

It is only today that he suggested that I look at bank statements to see this is an isolated incident.

Oh FFS blame mental health on every bad behaviour, typical mumsnet. No wonder people with mental health problems face stigma.

Why does everyone presume MH?

It's insulting tbh.

To me, he's a bog standard twat.

Get rid.

Cocaine ... drank too much ... excessive marathon training.

It sounds to me as if he's predisposed to addiction. I would wonder if this is his first use of cocaine - I suspect not, given the seller was a 'friend' you've never heard of. And yesterday, he had a massive falling off the wagon. Dopamine from his excessive marathon training might have kept it all under control for a while, but - addicts often have to up the dose. Sorry.

Aside from the coke and alcohol, he's paid to basically cheat.

That takes a special type of twat.

£150? For one dance. Seems like a lot. What kind of dance was this?

£150 is not much at all to spend in a strip club, drinks and entry fee and one dance would be at least that.

Slightly off-topic, but what is the link between cocaine and strip clubs? I hear it all too often on MN about the 2 being linked. I even know a bloke in real life who is into both, but no point in me asking him as I won't get a straight answer.

On-topic, I hate strip clubs with a passion but accept that blokes will go there on a stag do. This wasn't a stag though, so I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

I’m obviously very naive.

How does one go about buying cocaine in a pub? I wouldn’t have the first clue how to go about it,

To the PPs complaining about his MH being questioned, why is that so difficult to understand? It’s not being suggested as an excuse, but as a possible explanation for his sudden and shocking change of character. It doesn’t make what he’s done less twatty or hurtful, but stress, grief and poor MH could easily be the reason for it.

It’s not just women who find miscarriage soul destroying, particularly multiple miscarriages. Men can be equally devastated and find themselves in a very dark place, which can potentially lead to irrational or reckless behaviour.

Having said that, the OP’s first priority must be to take care of herself, and decide whether she’s willing or able to move on from this and trust him again. And if this is simply a side of himself he’s been concealing up until now, it’s better to have discovered it before there’s a child in the picture.

Cocaine keeps you awake until long after clubs have shut. Strip clubs are open later. And cocaine increases sex drive.

Maybe everything just (unbeknown to him) built up to a head - triggered by old (maybe quite self destructive friends) drinking (you say he says he used to drink more than he should have before he knew you).

Maybe he switched into a mode he’s long since given up & being in their company kind of gave him a taste & memory of letting loose, rebelling, going on a bender - even though those days are long behind him?

Maybe unconsciously the rigours & discipline of marathon training, restriction & self punishment maybe (through tortuous exercise?) as a means of coping with both your losses & stress recently just created a perfect storm (unconsciously) & before he knew it he was literally losing it, & going on a bender, triggered & exacerbated by the alcohol, then the coke & then the strip club.

So much of recreational drug & drinking culture is built around the premise of letting go, indulging in hedonistic pleasures, urges, rebelling & releasing pressure.

Not saying it’s not concerning as is so out of character for him NOW but maybe not so much out of character for who he USED to be or how he used to drink & socialise before knowing you.

Its kind of like getting wasted wasn’t bad /hedonistic/ excessive enough, so he then did the coke & then was like yeah why not bring it on let’s go whole hog strip club the works kind of thing.

Not justifying it for him at all - just trying to understand & explain it.

It must have been such a shock when this is completely alien to how your DP is usually. Is he a very all or nothing person? Is he throwing himself too hard at the training & avoiding the pain / stress of the losses?

We all need to let off steam & maybe he just exploded? Had he not met up with the “old friends” I wonder if the sequence of events would have unfolded the way they did??

Did they supply the coke? It could’ve been a kind of for old time’s sake type of egging him back to being & doing things that he used to do with them?

Maybe he was rebelling against himself? Maybe cutting loose & just needed to have a blow out?

More concerning is how easy it was to get hold of coke & if this really is the first time (recently) & same for strip clubs.

It may prompt finding out who he was before you knew him & how he used to drink & go out.

Binge drinking (& recreational drug use) is so culturally normalised so I wouldn’t be too worried if he did used to - but maybe he indulged or partied either a bit too hard in the past (compared to you) and was ashamed or embarrassed to tell you & has grown out of it.

Or if he’s quite all or nothing - he maybe has to discipline himself otherwise he can quite easily slip back into it - if the triggers are there??

Difficult - but kind of inderstandable at the same time.

Good luck 💐

You don't need to look at his bank statements. Health conscious marathon runners who have never used class A drugs before don't just inexplicably go out and get off their face on cocaine benders. It isn't something you would be doing a large amount of in one session unless you already had a reasonable tolerance to it because you're used to it. Unfortunately I have a feeling you're about to find out your relationship is not quite what you believed it was and will realise that other things haven't quite added up for a while now.

Usually someone will know a friend of a friend who knows someone. Look out for the louder groups in pubs who seem more animated and gobby, it usually won't be too far away.

Maybe he used to do these things before and has had a relapse, it would be goodbye from me, I could take the drugs and the fact he might do it again.
I don't believe he's never done this before, I'd say he definitely did before you met. X

Update -

DP spent a week at his parents before we met to talk.

DP admitted 3 previous occasions of using cocaine and going to a strip club by himself during the course of our 4 year relationship.

DP attempted to provide some insight to his behaviour/ decision making. What followed was a truly awful disclosure of abuse from his past. As such, DP has used cocaine as a form of escaping. The strip club follows as wanting to pay women to feel in “control” of a situation (reverted back to the disclosure here of not being in control….).

DP said he was thankful that I caught him out because this has been eating away at him for years, and he hates himself for what he has done. He completely broke down and has never told anyone about what’s happened. DP has been proactive in getting help for the cocaine, and has started to enquire about therapy in relation to what happened to him.

DP is my fiancé, I love him to pieces but I am so god damn hurt. I’m hurt that he’s kept something so significant from me. I still don’t know if I can work through this. And I’m losing my mind entirely.

I find his reasoning hard to swallow. Many, many women have been raped, I was sexually abused as a kid, we don’t use that as an excuse to go behind our partners backs and pay men to dance naked for us in order to feel “in control”.