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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP sneaked to Strip Club

88 replies

WhatOnEarth22 · 09/10/2022 11:49

It feels like my world has crumbled over night. Got home early around 10pm from dinner and drinks with friends, DP nowhere to be seen. He was spending the evening home with our 4 month old pup. Tried calling, no answer. Noted the back door keys where gone, which was unusual. DP eventually answered the phone and sounded completely out of it, said he was in a taxi and been to pub with work friends.

DP does not socialise with work friends, I thought this was odd. He came home, completely out of it, alcohol and cocaine. This is the first time in my life I have known/seen my partner under the influence of cocaine. As far as I was aware, he was anti drugs (and so am I). Told me he went out the back so I didn’t see him leave on the Ringo, something didn’t feel right so I asked him to leave and go to his mums.

30 minutes later I received a text saying that he was really sorry, he’s lied, got completely off his face, got a taxi into town and spent £150 at a strip club. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.

For background, we have been together for 4 years. I would say we are inseparable, best friends, similar interests, intimate and I have never ever had any reason to doubt my partner. He is the love of my life, he rarely drinks or goes out as he is training a lot for various marathons.

We’ve had a difficult 13 months battling recurrent miscarriage but if anything it’s brought us stronger.

I can’t get my head around the fact that he’s A) snuck out the house like a teenager B) used cocaine and C) spent money on a dance at a strip club.

This is extremely unusual, bizarre and never in a million years would I have thought he would do this. I don’t know why I’m posting, but I feel so lonely, lost and devastated about where we go from here.

It’s destroyed my confidence in seconds and I feel sick knowing he’s been aroused by another woman. The cocaine element is also very disturbing.

Please somebody save me from
this misery. He’s agreed to give me space and go to his Mums.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 28/10/2022 18:10

I find that to be a pretty shit excuse actually. Have you heard of hysterical bonding? It might be good to look that up because I think this is what you're going to feel right now.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 28/10/2022 18:44

So sorry you’re having to deal with this OP. It may be true, however I’d struggle to trust again after him behaving this way, and having done so over the course of q long, settled relationship.

take care of yourself and take your time.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2022 18:49

Ok. So in order to deal with his past abuse he is paying to abuse women ?

Hmm.

Original poster
WhatOnEarth22 · 28/10/2022 19:22

I feel so suffocated.
I don’t know who to turn too or what to do.
We have waited months to get answers and a treatment plan for our recurrent miscarriages and infertility. I have been to the consultation without my DP knowing and I cant bare to share the news we have waited so long for.

I can’t believe I could be throwing all of this way.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/10/2022 19:25

He has thrown it away, not you

LookingAtYou · 28/10/2022 19:31

'DP admitted 3 previous occasions of using cocaine and going to a strip club by himself during the course of our 4 year relationship.'

Sorry op, bit if he's admitting to this then I bet there's plenty more.

He's a drug taking sleazebag, chuck him out.

Sorry about your miscarriages Flowers.

Treacletoots · 28/10/2022 19:42

Sounds like if you stay with him you're accepting he takes at least a yearly trip down coke and strippers Lane...

What are you going to do OP?

MarshaMelrose · 28/10/2022 19:48

I think you need to talk to someone who has some professional understanding of these matters rather than randoms on the Internet. If what he says is true, he's going to need a lot of help and at this point starting a family is the last thing you should be thinking of doing.

GettingItOutThere · 28/10/2022 19:58

so hes admitted to some to keep you quiet and not let you know about the rest.

I would not trust a word out of him mouth again sorry OP

it sucks

LookingAtYou · 28/10/2022 20:08

'I think you need to talk to someone who has some professional understanding of these matters rather than randoms on the Internet'

I don't think you need to be a professional in anything to understand taking drugs and going to strip clubs is not the kind of behaviour one wants or expects from the person they are hoping to have kids with.

Jingleq · 28/10/2022 20:30

mumsnet is not the place for any other advice than to LTB.
Slow down. Take your time. Allow yourself to go through the motions. Talk it through. Your relationship sounds similar to mine in that we suffered infertility resulting in us navigating ivf and mmc and he literally is my best friend and love of my life. We haven’t suffered exactly the circumstances you have but we have however had multiple make or break moments that I thought I couldn’t get past. I truly don’t believe a lot of women can begin to understand the pain that men go through when it comes to infertility and mmc in my journey my partner definitely struggled a lot more than I did and I wouldn’t of switched places with him in any of it. Still affects me to this day sadly. However we are stronger than ever and my 14 month DS is snoring in away in his cot. Yes you deserve better of course you do as many of us do in life however no one is perfect and many of us suffer so many injustices then carry out self destruction and destroy those around us and in some circumstances it can bring you through the other side together I just wish posters wouldn’t be so quick to totally railroad someone that’s going through such a horrific time.
thinking of you OP

LookingAtYou · 28/10/2022 20:39

'mumsnet is not the place for any other advice than to LTB'

I agree that sometimes posters get a bit keen to suggest LTB over a minor misdemeanour such a failure to wash up or whatever but you are minimising massively here. They've only been together 4 years, he had a booze problem before that so not fertility reacted and he's taken drugs and visited sex/strip clubs 3 previous times (that he's admitted to) in their relationship.

Sadly I don't think he's a keeper, I'm sure the op deserves much better.

Jingleq · 28/10/2022 20:52

In no way minimising but I do understand it could come across like that in the majority of cases the majority of comments are right but not always and I just don’t feel like anyone particularly supports OP’s that don’t leave, instead they’re mocked and left feeling even more upset than they already were thinking of what others will think rather than how they feel. I rarely post because how some people comment is truly vile. Sorry OP don’t mean to hijack I won’t comment again but truly hope you’re ok 💐

MarshaMelrose · 28/10/2022 21:08

LookingAtYou · 28/10/2022 20:08

'I think you need to talk to someone who has some professional understanding of these matters rather than randoms on the Internet'

I don't think you need to be a professional in anything to understand taking drugs and going to strip clubs is not the kind of behaviour one wants or expects from the person they are hoping to have kids with.

The op has invested a lot of her life and hopes of her future with this man. He's not someone she's just been dating for a few months. It's not easy just to say, right I'm dumping you and moving on. She's naturally going to have doubts over what he's saying and will wonder what is true. MN is like a heavy hammer where people donk others over the head and make judgements easy for them and hard for the listener. I think it would be beneficial for the op to speak to someone where she can express her thoughts more fully and be given support to help her come to a decision that she feels confident is the right one going forward. Not one that she is shamed into making by the views of others.

Choconut · 28/10/2022 21:21

It's a pattern of behaviour OP, he's telling you that this is how he copes when things get too much - please remember that no matter what else he says.

When he says he's glad you caught him out you have to wonder why he needed catching out to start to address it? He obviously knew it was an issue and even why it was happening - why didn't he address it himself before? If he's prepared to address it because of you then why hasn't he done something already, he's literally had 4 years.

My guess is that he'll now say anything to get you back, but you'll never trust him and you'll always have that nagging worry every time he goes out. Who knows if this is just the tip of the iceberg, he could drag these admissions out over years, mine did. They're always desperately sorry when they get caught out in their lies and omissions and will promise you anything and everything.

Leave or stay the choice is yours but whatever you do please don't consider bringing a baby into this mess. You deserve better than this and I doubt he'll change if meeting you wasn't enough to change him. If you let him back then you'll be telling him he can do it again - but even so you can bet your bottom dollar that next time he'll be far more careful not to get caught.

StarCourt · 28/10/2022 21:36

Op I suspect there's more not just what he's confessed to

Valeriekat · 28/10/2022 21:44

He has lied to you throughout your relationship.
How can you ever trust him again and why would you.
His problems shouldn't become your problems.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 28/10/2022 21:51

@WhatOnEarth22

This sounds horrendous I'm so sorry to read this.

However - take this as a big red flag and do not try for another baby with this man

Do you really want your child to have a father like this?

I wouldnt! You deserve better ❤️

CoopersChase · 28/10/2022 21:56

This must be very hard for you.

My gut reaction is even taking everything he says as true and there being nothing more, he has a long road of recovery ahead, and I mean therapy not addiction. One question you have to ask yourself if you do stay is can his mental health handle fertility treatment (?) and possibly a child. Are you willing to postpone a few years. @

He has been living a lie, and perhaps that’s understandable if he has trauma in his past but the person you thought he was isn’t the guy in front of you. I think even if you stay you’d be a fool to go ahead with a pregnancy now as you don’t know what you’re even getting into at this point.

Sapphire387 · 28/10/2022 22:22

I think that's pretty awful of him tbh.

He pays to treat women badly in order to cope with the past, him being abused? He should pay for therapy instead.

I have no doubt the miscarriages were hard for him but women go through the physical side of miscarriage as well as the emotional. Instead of supporting you through that, he has taken cocaine and gone to a strip club?

I know it is so hard to consider leaving, especially after so long, and everything you had hoped for. But can you really come back from this and ever truly trust him again?

Original poster
WhatOnEarth22 · 29/10/2022 09:56

I know that MN will not give me the answers I need, but right now it feels the only safe space to just express my feelings of sadness.

DP is not using his past trauma as an excuse for his behaviour, he was explaining why he’s used cocaine to help “forget” about his shitty past. But the reality is that it hasn’t helped him forget, only it’s allowed him to ruminate over what happened and make even further reckless/strange decisions.

I am finding it all very difficult to comprehend, as I was completely unaware of his behaviour. However, I do not think it has happened more than what he’s told me (I know you will think I am being naive here). I say this because DP goes out socially on average once per year. Our spare time is spent together sharing mutual hobbies such as running/hiking etc. I can genuinely only think of a handful of occasions where he has been out with work, which would correlate of the times he’s told me about.

I am not that daft to bring a child into this world with all of this going on. But I believe I am grieving more over accepting our TTC plans have to stop, rather than the difficulties with our relationship. And unless you have been through a similar journey of TTC and multiple losses, I don’t think you will understand what I mean by this.

I do not know if I can trust him again. DP is adamant that he is going to start paying privately for therapy to start navigating through this past.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatOnEarth22 · 29/10/2022 10:06

DP has genuinely been my rock through every single miscarriage/ hospital visit and appointment. He has been my rock in every other aspect in life and he has never not been there for me. He has been my best friend for 4 years and we have built a life together. It is not as simple as “chucking him out”.

I think it will be great if he does get some proper help/ intervention for his trauma. I think it will be great if he addresses the drugs. I can not say that addressing those areas are going to help save our relationship.

OP posts:
Tillsforthrills · 29/10/2022 10:19

The last thing you need is a DP who handles life’s difficulty this way. Run a mile!

RealBecca · 29/10/2022 10:23

I know you dont want to end it but I think you need to be realistic that trying for a baby now with a man that can behave so out of character is a bad idea.

Especially as it blindsided you. You dont know what you're letting yourself in for with him if he can have such an episode out of the blue. Not stable. Babies and families need stability.

Can you postpone for a few years until you are sure he has sorted himself out? Or are you better cutting your losses?

Cattytabby · 29/10/2022 10:30

I am sorry you are going through all of this, but I honestly think you need to look hard at the facts and not use emotions.
You have had a horrible time too. Have you resorted to drugs?
Paternal use of cocaine can cause a lot of problems for babies at conception, op.