DP sneaked to Strip Club

[WhatOnEarth22]

It feels like my world has crumbled over night. Got home early around 10pm from dinner and drinks with friends, DP nowhere to be seen. He was spending the evening home with our 4 month old pup. Tried calling, no answer. Noted the back door keys where gone, which was unusual. DP eventually answered the phone and sounded completely out of it, said he was in a taxi and been to pub with work friends.

DP does not socialise with work friends, I thought this was odd. He came home, completely out of it, alcohol and cocaine. This is the first time in my life I have known/seen my partner under the influence of cocaine. As far as I was aware, he was anti drugs (and so am I). Told me he went out the back so I didn’t see him leave on the Ringo, something didn’t feel right so I asked him to leave and go to his mums.

30 minutes later I received a text saying that he was really sorry, he’s lied, got completely off his face, got a taxi into town and spent £150 at a strip club. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.

For background, we have been together for 4 years. I would say we are inseparable, best friends, similar interests, intimate and I have never ever had any reason to doubt my partner. He is the love of my life, he rarely drinks or goes out as he is training a lot for various marathons.

We’ve had a difficult 13 months battling recurrent miscarriage but if anything it’s brought us stronger.

I can’t get my head around the fact that he’s A) snuck out the house like a teenager B) used cocaine and C) spent money on a dance at a strip club.

This is extremely unusual, bizarre and never in a million years would I have thought he would do this. I don’t know why I’m posting, but I feel so lonely, lost and devastated about where we go from here.

It’s destroyed my confidence in seconds and I feel sick knowing he’s been aroused by another woman. The cocaine element is also very disturbing.

Please somebody save me from
this misery. He’s agreed to give me space and go to his Mums.

Thanks am so sorry for what you are going through. Leaving might well be the answer and understandably that’s what the majority of posters have advised. Personally I hate the thought of strip clubs and that would be a deal breaker for me but people have different lines.

I am not trying to encourage you to stay but I have experienced a massive betrayal of trust (not adultery) by my husband and received similar (and to be fair very good advice) on here to leave. I ultimately chose to stay.

It was a risk and the hardest time of my life but I do not regret it. We worked through it with a lot of counselling and communication. While I will never accept my husband’s conduct was ok (nor does he) I understood why he had done it. It happened, it was shit, it’s done, zero tolerance if ever repeated.

We are very happy now and do not live with hang ups from that time or the fear it will recur.

It is difficult to explain… I do not feel my relationship is tainted by what happened but if I believed I would retain trust issues, fury or deep hurt I would have left. I wasn’t prepared to lose who I was as part of forgiveness and in my case I didn’t have to which made it possible to stay.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

I know you are saying that he's not using his past abuse as an excuse but odds are he is. He's done something awful and is now using his past as a way of trapping you. How can you not forgive him when he's revealed something so awful and personal to you? You'd be some sort of monster for walking away now, even all the hurt he has caused you is because of that abuse, so you aren't the victim. He is.

This was my XH's reasoning. He used his past as a way to control me for a decade. It never felt like it was a tool of control just him trusting me with something that was hurting him. And that hurt making him act in bad ways. Eventually it stopped working, I hit a point where what was in his past was no excuse for his behaviour and all of a sudden it literally came screaming out of him along with multiple fakings of suicide. Everything bad he did to me and to other people was because he'd been abused as a child. He would literally start screaming it whenever anyone would put a boundary in place that he didn't like.

Honestly you need to start thinking about you. You really do not want to have a baby with this man. As for miscarriage investigations. You can still carry on and have your own health assessed. But bear in mind that miscarriage also happens because of malformed sperm and drug and alcohol abuse causes malformed sperm.

It is a nightmare time for you to make a decision about your relationship - the pain of ttc and all the months of desperation must make the thought of leaving almost impossible.

You don't say how old you are, but if you have a few years in your side, I think you would be wise to end this relationship and leave yourself open to finding someone who will make a better Dad because they don't take drugs, pay other women to arouse them and lie.

He has been lying to you for four years. You may no this truth now but he will always be a liar.

I'm so sorry.

This

People who take drugs and go to strip clubs do it because they like it. They'll of course enable their behaviour by making excuses but they do it because they like it. I'd guess he has a rather extensive internet history, web cams etc of a similar theme so the fact he doesn't go out often is neither here nor there.

It is as simple as ending it op. There are red flags all over the place, don't let him gaslight you until thinking it's because of ttc.

Just be grateful you've found out who he really is before being tied to him and you can find someone who doesn't do drugs or go to sex clubs.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this awful situation and I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I don't think you should make any rash decisions just yet but for me personally, I'd struggle to get past the fact that he's taken cocaine and been to strip clubs multiple times and then came home and looked you in the eyes as if everything was just fine.

He's only admitted it now because you caught him out.

Only you can decide whether you can get past that or not and whether you could readily trust him again.

Lots of men disclose abuse when caught cheating.

You don’t know this man like you thought you did.

That's great that he is going to start therapy. Sounds like that needs to happen immediately. Schema therapy is great. It sounds like he has some highly dysfunctional detatched/avoidant 'coping modes' for dealing with trauma.

Sadly this. You’re seeing who he is.

if this is a blip, he can work to prove it. If it’s not, you’ve dodged a bullet.

imagine the misery of being married to this? Imagine the shame of parenting with this. Imagine the shame of being patented by an addict who objectifies women.

tell him to stay with his mother and tell her why.

Every addict uses excuses NOT to abstain. Every single last one. You KNOW this @WhatOnEarth22

I don’t doubt he has been through bad things, but he’s not the only one. He’s choosing not only to do coke, but to drop hundreds on dances at strip clubs.

it’s not that he’s choosing to act out or self medicate, it’s HOW he’s self medicating

take each day at a time. You have enough on your plate and YOU are the priority here.

huge hugs for you

I'm not saying you need to leave him, or that you can't support him.

But women are not here to fix broken men.

If he wants to get fixed he needs to do that himself. Prove that he is a decent person who can sort himself out.

I would say if he has been sexually abused when he was young then he is much more likely to repeat this abuse on a young child than someone who hasn't been sexual abused.

If you want children, I personally wouldn't be comfortable with this increased risk factor.

Sorry, just sharing my opinions, I know as women we are taught to forgive forgive forgive, but there is a line we all have.

Fucking hell@TheHappyLoser what the OHs partner has done is terrible but to allege a propensity for child abuse is absolutely disgusting.