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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding- wth?

80 replies

AutumnColour89 · 08/10/2022 15:03

Just looking for some advice here;
One of my husband's best friends is getting married in mid-November, he was in Portugal for the stag do last weekend. However, as yet, we have still received no invite. AIBU to think this is incredibly rude?
Apparently several people brought it up on the stag so it seems they just generally haven't bothered sending invitations. The only snips of information we've had a from their stag WhatsApp chat.
Most people (us included) will need to travel and book a hotel for two nights. As there's no accommodation at the place the wedding is (apparently) being held so we'd also have to book taxis, so we need to know what time they want us seated for the ceremony and what time the evening do finishes.
We've also been told it's (again apparently) 'black tie' dress code, which neither of us are familiar with particularly not for a wedding, so we would need to hire a tux for him and a dress for me.
I am reluctant to invest money in dresses, hotel rooms, gifts etc until we know the details for sure, but by then it could be too late to arrange anything.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 08/10/2022 15:05

Wow they are cutting it very fine with invites. I’d just get your DH to text and ask for these details as you need to make arrangements

Leeds2 · 08/10/2022 15:08

I don't think I would be going, if I'm honest! Very inconsiderate of the bride and groom, and very little time for you to arrange flights, accommodation etc. It wouldn't be difficult to just email the invited guests with the important details, if they haven't got round to getting printed invitations.

Twizbe · 08/10/2022 15:10

I bet they've read some old etiquette book that says you only send out invites 4 weeks in advance.

Likely they will be pissed if people don't come because they didn't have the details in time.

Did they send a save the date?

BeautifulElephant · 08/10/2022 15:14

Are you sure you're going to be invited?

LiftyLift · 08/10/2022 15:16

If they expect people to fork out for a wedding abroad then chancer are their CF anyway, the only exception is if they have family there or a proper connection, not just that it’s cheaper. I would tell them the costs have went up and you can no longer attend.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 08/10/2022 15:18

If the wedding is mid November and you’ve not had an invite I reckon you’re not invited.

greenhousegal · 08/10/2022 15:26

Be thankful, very thankful that you will either not go or not be invited. Most weddings are penance from the Gods. I wouldn't go anyway, but if DH wants to (and gets an invite), let him at it.

HangOnToYourself · 08/10/2022 15:31

Slightly off topic but does black tie not include a normal suit? I didn't realise is specifically meant tux

ChipsforMe · 08/10/2022 15:32

6 weeks in advance is right
Thats why you tell everyone the date
My DS did this recently and got 100% attendance.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2022 15:34

Ridiculous situation but if your DH is good enough friends with the groom to go on his stag he must be able to text him saying he needs to know x, y and z in order to get organised as it might even mean missing out if it’s too late to get hotels etc. He can add that of course he understands completely if numbers are tight and you aren’t invited but wants to check for sure.

I wonder if you are on the B list and they are waiting for other people to decline before sending the second wave of invites.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/10/2022 15:36

Best your DH rings the groom and tells him you need to book hotel etc so can he confirm that you are in fact invited. The rest is detail that can wait.

hellcatspangle · 08/10/2022 15:37

Are you sure you're invited?

Roystonv · 08/10/2022 15:40

So no Save the Date or a website for info? Yes in the past it was very different but now most weddings you get details in plenty of time (sometimes way too much) or at least those close to couple pass details on. I think the point has come for someone to be blunt and say that without more info asap they are jeopardizing people's ability to plan and therefore attend.

FivePotatoesHigh · 08/10/2022 15:41

ChipsforMe · 08/10/2022 15:32

6 weeks in advance is right
Thats why you tell everyone the date
My DS did this recently and got 100% attendance.

Then he was very lucky as most people would assume they weren’t invited if they hadn’t had an invite by then, even if they had a save the date. People need to know the details.

Fenella123 · 08/10/2022 15:42

Being grimly pragmatic OP - do you actually want to go, yourself? If not, then happy days, have a "Come to Jesus" talk with your other half and be firm that if he doesn't have an invite IN WRITING from the bride or groom by X date then you yourself are not going.

You don't have to be a cow about it, just think the practicalities through - look at how travel and accommodation costs and availability change depending on how many weeks out you book, consider how much time you'll need to get suitable clothes, and based on that decide when going stops being affordable and feasible.
And even a text or email invite is fine - doesn't have to be embossed vellum!

That's just a suggestion.
You know the full picture, we don't.
Presumably you know if the B&G are lovely (if scatty) people who will not say a word if - due to their lack of organisation - you turn up in a smart work outfit you yanked out of the wardrobe and leave straight after the service as the only rooms left within an hour's drive were £400; if they have been so kind in the past that you treasure their friendship and cut them a lot of slack...

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2022 16:07

Was there a save the date card?
It does sound rubbish but it sounds like they have been consistently rubbish with everyone.
Maybe get in touch with the bride, they tend to be the driving force behind weddings. Particularly if you have to sort out your own accommodation

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2022 16:08

I'd not want to spend extra on travel due to not having infoyway in advance (Ie 12 weeks for cheap train tickets)

Assuming it's even if in uk!

Cw112 · 08/10/2022 16:14

Definitely seems strange especially given that it's abroad. Maybe they have had problems with their invites or something and are running behind. I would message and ask if you feel you know them well enough before booking flights and accommodation. They maybe have wanted to cut costs and haven't done formal invites but haven't considered the info that needs to go out when and how for the guests to feel prepared?

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2022 16:17

ChipsforMe · 08/10/2022 15:32

6 weeks in advance is right
Thats why you tell everyone the date
My DS did this recently and got 100% attendance.

@ChipsforMe actually it is very old fashioned to do this. My mum and dad sent invites out 6 weeks in advance for their wedding over 50 years ago. Most people get wedding invitations way in advance than 6 weeks, particularly if they have a disparate group of friends who live all over the place and need to sort out transport and accommodation

ChipsforMe · 08/10/2022 16:28

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2022 16:17

@ChipsforMe actually it is very old fashioned to do this. My mum and dad sent invites out 6 weeks in advance for their wedding over 50 years ago. Most people get wedding invitations way in advance than 6 weeks, particularly if they have a disparate group of friends who live all over the place and need to sort out transport and accommodation

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with tradition

Everyone one knew the day from when it was booked 6 months in advance and that they were invited. Hotels were all booked (lots of hotels here) and transport arranged well before the invites were sent out.

ChipsforMe · 08/10/2022 16:29

FivePotatoesHigh · 08/10/2022 15:41

Then he was very lucky as most people would assume they weren’t invited if they hadn’t had an invite by then, even if they had a save the date. People need to know the details.

Show quote history

They all knew they were invited- they didnt know any details. They knew which church, roughly what time (that wasnt agreed with Vicar until 6 weeks out) and where the reception was.

Testina · 08/10/2022 16:32

If he’s not a good enough friend to just ask, he’s not a good enough friend to go.

FGS, in less time than it takes to complain on here, you could have asked your boyfriend to ring his mate?

Creating drama where there is none.

Jalepenojello · 08/10/2022 16:40

It’s really rude IMO to have implied that your parents neuter yet are leaving it so late to invite. People have super busy lives and 6 weeks notice would be a pain in arse for most people I know. In terms of hotel booking, organising travel and sorting childcare it’s hard work but the lack of time to budget would likely have me declining

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2022 16:40

@ChipsforMe but you are inferring that sending invitations just 6 weeks before the wedding is the norm and it simply isn't.

Glad your DS got 100% attendance, he must have kept his guests informed, particularly if they lived a long way away and needed to get flights and trains

CryCeratops · 08/10/2022 16:46

I guess the only way to know for sure whether you’re invited is to ask them whether you’re invited.

You need to know soon or it’ll be cutting it too fine to sort out travel / accommodation etc.