Wedding- wth?

[AutumnColour89]

Just looking for some advice here;
One of my husband's best friends is getting married in mid-November, he was in Portugal for the stag do last weekend. However, as yet, we have still received no invite. AIBU to think this is incredibly rude?
Apparently several people brought it up on the stag so it seems they just generally haven't bothered sending invitations. The only snips of information we've had a from their stag WhatsApp chat.
Most people (us included) will need to travel and book a hotel for two nights. As there's no accommodation at the place the wedding is (apparently) being held so we'd also have to book taxis, so we need to know what time they want us seated for the ceremony and what time the evening do finishes.
We've also been told it's (again apparently) 'black tie' dress code, which neither of us are familiar with particularly not for a wedding, so we would need to hire a tux for him and a dress for me.
I am reluctant to invest money in dresses, hotel rooms, gifts etc until we know the details for sure, but by then it could be too late to arrange anything.

OP seems to say they are as there’s been some info on the WhatsApp group. Presumably the groom would have said if they were not invited when there was talk about invites on the stag do. And it’s a best friend. OP doesn’t seem to be questioning whether they’re invited, so I’m not.

If in doubt though, ask. Why can’t people just talk to each other? Are we invited? Are invitations being sent out soon? What time will we need to be there? Just speak to each other. These are good friends apparently. 😅

Six weeks notice, with all guests aware of the date is fine if you live in the same village/town as the wedding, which would be the case for many traditional weddings. However to follow this tradition for a wedding overseas is ridiculous.

I am not sure I would be happy to spend that kind of money on anyone's wedding that was not my child/parent/sibling. It is a huge ask of their friends. I would be looking to decline and send best wishes and a gift, unless you are keen to go to the destination anyway and would welcome a long weekend there. The B&G have given you, the guests, zero consideration!

I don’t think the wedding is overseas.

Slightly off topic but does black tie not include a normal suit? I didn't realise is specifically meant tux

No, black tie does not include a normal suit. It requires a dinner jacket and dress trousers with a bow tie, preferably a dress shirt with studs rather than buttons too

I would not attend. Your DH had some celebratory time with his mate at the stag do; just send a congratulatory card and be done with it. Clearly they don't care so why would you want all the hassle?

I don’t think you’re on their ‘A’ list! It’s far too short notice. I think you’re on the ‘B’ list, those you invite in the last few weeks to fill the seats of those who can’t make it/drop out. It isn’t unusual if it’s a small or very limited numbers type wedding.

Also you can be invited to a stag or hen party without being invited to the actual wedding.

Is it abroad?

It's beyond rude not having received an invite yet!

Six weeks is the traditional etiquette but as others have said, that is for an all-local wedding with the church ceremony and perhaps a brief reception of champagne, cake, etc. afterward, before the happy couple left late afternoon on their honeymoon and everyone else went home.

For today's style of wedding where often travel is involved, special attire, babysitters for an evening do, perhaps hotel rooms near the venue -- six weeks is absurd. Six months is more like it.

A dressy short (couple inches above knee) cocktail suit or frock is acceptable with black tie, as well as a longer gown without full skirt. Men may wear a dark lounge suit if they don't have a dinner jacket and don't want to rent one. Per most etiquette books I've ever read.

For people that cant read;

It's OP's DH best friend
Getting married mid November
The stag was in Portugal
We don't know where the wedding is
Several people on the stag brought up the lack of invite
Only bits of info have been via the stags whatsapp group

If they aren't sending paper invites out or late sending why not get all the information on the whatsapp group

Maybe you’re not invited? Could it just be intimate family?

Never mind snippets of WhatsApp chats your husband needs to either (a) see his best friend in person face to face or (b) phone him and actually speak to him and ask (i) whether or not you are actually invited to the wedding and (ii) if the answer is yes that you require the details of said wedding now in order to make the necessary arrangements for you to be there.

As this is a 'best friend' it shouldn't be a difficult conversation to have.

I don’t understand this.it keeps happening on here.the inability to talk to seemingly the closest of friends or relatives.I get some conversations are hard but things like this are jot hard.it’s his best friend.
so you really easily without any fear or trepidation ask.there’s nothing wrong in that!
“mate,just trying to get our heads around your wedding so we can book plan,and of course borrow my tic off BOnd😉. Is everything all right? Let me know as these things take longer than we think.

However, as yet, we have still received no invite. AIBU to think this is incredibly rude? Apparently several people brought it up on the stag so it seems they just generally haven't bothered sending invitations.

I don't know about rude @AutumnColour89 as it isn't just you and DH who haven't received an invite. It sounds like they're just not very organized.

Strictly speaking ‘black tie’ means dinner jacket, dress trousers, dress pumps etc for men. Not a lounge suit.

Agree, but most etiquette books say that men who don't own a tuxedo can wear a dark lounge suit if need be. Or a dress military uniform, or clergy attire.

No loud or sporty jackets, etc. though.

Oh yes, which is why I said ‘strictly speaking’. Most black tie dress codes are pretty pragmatic and ‘black tie optional’ is much more common. Nevertheless there are some black tie events where one might feel a bit out of place in a lounge suit.

I would assume you are not invited. Perhaps its a very small wedding with close family only but they wanted a large group of friends to celebrate it too, hence being invited to the stag do.

if you are really puzzled then a text to the groom will sort it. Just do a bs one such as "we need to know if we are invited as another friend want us to babysit that night, no worries if we aren't, just checking!"

I'm not sure why everyone is reeling out the rules of what to wear, but it sounds as if your DH will be ok in his clergy attire.

Just tell you DH to telephone the groom to say you all need to details or you are not coming. And then forget about it. It sounds like it will be a shit wedding anyway if they can't even organise the invites.

I went to an incredible wedding the other day. Save the dates where are good year in advance, invites 6 months in advance, I RSVPed straight away because I'm not rude, and it was an amazing day.

Black tie do, but no invites? How odd.

The stag do was in Portugal, not the wedding. No idea where wedding is, but it reads as the UK.

The op hasn't been back I see, so not that bothered by mn opinions or advice.

I'd assume I was invited

Aaahgh I meant the opposite. Bloody iPhone. I'd assume I wasn't invited

I was going to comment similarly… complaining about lack of contact but then drops and runs herself 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps she did the sensible thing and just asked?

Six weeks was traditionally the amount of time you sent invitations in advance.
I don't think that's enough now, especially if there are travel arrangements for be made and all the more so if time off work and / or travel abroad is needed. The world has changed.
Are you sure you're actually invited. By now, I would be wondering.