To think overprotective parenting means kids today have a much worse quality of life

[Rainingpigs]

I grew up in the 80s and so perhaps have a very skewed view on this and I completely get the instinct to protect your kids and parents do it out of love. But, I voulenteer at a Cubs group (so age 7-10) and the kids there can do literally nothing for themselves, (on camp) are fussy eaters and have restaurant levels of specificity (e.g just plain pasta with nothing on it), are never allowed outside by themselves to play out but instead are ferried about from one pre planned activity to the next by parents.

For older kids, those as old as 13/14 their parents won’t let them get a bus into town with friends because of the perceived danger, people find it shocking there is any suggestion they would do something like trying alcohol, they’re tracked on their phones by their parents to see where they are at all times and have to give constant updates ect.

I’ve even seen cases of parents still grounding and tracking their 16/17 year old “children” (virtually adults IMO)

I’m not in any way blaming the kids and I do blush to think back to some of the things I did when I was young. However, I think that those growing up now risk not having had much of a life at all until they’re much older. Surely, the whole way you learn and become a well rounded adult is by doing stupid and risky things and learning from them. In general today it seems kids are far more anxious and less happy than they used to be. Aibu?

They were valuable if you routinely let your seven year old play on railway tracks, by deep water, on electricity pylons.

if you don’t, the videos aren’t needed.

How are they missing out on something they have never had?

I’ve had this conversation several times recently including with my 10 yo DD, she knows her life is very different to mine. As @VikingLady said, my DCs won’t have a lot of horrors, for want of a better word, to deal with. I remember fighting in the street, men wolf whistling, being forced to neck with a boy ( I mean literally a group of other kids standing round me calling me frigid), being grabbed and grouped, messing with lighters and aerosol cans, drinking didn’t start till I was 13, I was a late starter compared to my friends, my brother knocking himself unconscious falling off a scaffold we were climbing, my friend 2 years younger than me falling in an old factory that was being demolished and having a rusty nail go right into her chest, my brother getting stuck in a pot hole in the river we were swinging and jumping in without any adult supervision. I knew a boy who did drown in the same river aged 11, it didn’t stop us.

My DD has a friend who is allowed to wander the streets alone, several parents have seen this girl at 10pm at night in short short skirts and shorts, crop tops, hanging out with older groups of boys or walking around dark streets on her own. Last week when leaving the park she was just sat on the swings on her own so I told my dd to invite her back to ours for dinner. She had gone to the park straight after school along with several other children whose parents were around, then to my house where she stayed till 8pm when I dropped her home. She had a phone and I asked her to let her mum know where she was but I’d absolutely never leave my child to wander around like that, I’ve never met this mum (girl started in yr5) she has no idea who I am, what my house is like, who lives there etc… Another mum stopped her DD walking home with this girl because she’d always want to stop at a building site to talk to “her mates” random builders.

Ive told my DD I don’t care if her friends are allowed to do things she’s far to young and naive to be allowed out alone. I’ve admitted I’ve sheltered her but that I will continue to do this for some time. She’s happy with this. I know there will come a point where she will want more freedom, by which time I’m hoping to have prepared her how to take care of herself.

Ah I see. I presumed secondary as school buses are not common for primary. It sounds like you’re in Scotland. I presume it’s dark or almost by then in the winter months?

my eldest is the same and I honestly think its more to do with the drivers than the children. When i was young (90s-2000s) there were much less cars in my area. Since I was a child they have build houses and flats on every single scrap of land they could. Schools are oversubscribed due to the extra houses. Everyone is driving to school despite living closer than us (15 min walk if that). There are a few people who drive when they live across the road from the school, I understand they may be going to Work after (some aren't though) but it all contributes.

There are near misses every day and it's not just my children. even I am scared as an adult and those really quiet cars are just so sneaky. When you're told to stop, look and listen, yet cars now can barely be heard.

It's quicker to walk the main road than to drive now because the traffic is so slow, always having to stop for pedestrians, busses full to burst. There really are way too many people. And there are plans to build more houses. No more schools, no more doctors or dentists. Just shove more and more people in this tiny area thats already full.

My grandparents live in a beautiful house in a lovely expensive area and they have been able to keep their green spaces. funny that.

Multiple cars on every drive, all the gardens ripped up and paved over.
We will all be swimming to school soon enough so I wouldn't worry about cars too much 😅

I am on board that both extremes are bad. One thing to keep in mind that it is the job of a parent to raise a child to become responsible adult.

This YouTube video stuck with me it is a video talking about Montessori teaching methods and the virtue of teaching self sufficiency. In short there is a compare and contrast with a toddler learning how to set a table and then about 9 minutes in shows a video of an 18 year old born with a silver spoon in her mouth crying to her dad because she doesn't know how to take care of herself.

Everything was done for her in life and she doesn't even know how to make lunch for herself. Her parents failed her, and there is no excuse why an 18 year can't prepare a simple lunch and panic over the concept. The fact that we have adulting schools cropping up now (at least in this country USA) makes me so dead inside. Although, good on people attending them for wanting to improve themselves and address their short comings, but they do point to a problem with how children are being raised.

I like the Montessori philosophy of freedom within limits when it comes to raising a child to become an independent adult. You have freedom to learn what you want to learn, but you have to do so in a responsible safe manor and you are even free to make mistakes. It is the responsibility of the adult to set and explain expectations.

Giving them free reign and being overly controlling are not the ingredients for raising a healthy adult. I know I am going to make my own fair share of mistakes I just hope my child succeeds and I strike the balance.

@YankeeCat your philosophy sounds very balanced and fair and I hope it all works out for you. 🙏 I despair at the threads that an 18 year old can’t read a tube map or make boiled eggs away at university.

it very much does depend where you live, but for example - yesterday my youngest got ready, got his fishing gear ready, rounded up some pals and they headed off. When I swung by with food a few hours later they’d landed 70+ (!) 😲 and were off to sell them around the village. One of the other dads was going past on a speed boat sending a wake towards them while they all screamed FASTER, FASTER!

Responsibilities: eldest was 11. They assembled their gear, tied on fishing hooks, landed their catch and went as a group.

Lessons learned: they didn’t gut nor filet the fish, so they’ll be sympathy buys and/or hard to sell.

good day out I’d say.

I haven't rtft, only op, but wanted to say that I am a teacher and feel that children definitely have less resilience now. Their every whim is catered for and any obstacle in their way is swept aside. I teach in a naice area so maybe it is not like this everywhere. I hope not.

I have stopped telling parents if their child has done something wrong because they will blame the other child or me. I don't remember the last time I had a parent agree that their child had done something wrong.

They can't cope with 'no' and they can't cope with a moment of boredom. At playtime it is depressing to hear children saying that they are bored - 'there's nothing to play.'

My youngest dd has just finished her first year at university but many of her friend's parents are still heavily involved with their university life. Many of them came unstuck when it came to independent life.

I'm not advocating neglect of course. But it is sad to see children being damaged by their parent's suffocating behaviour.

We have parents saying things like 'can you tell X that he must be in bed by 8pm' because they can't say no to their own child.

Residential trips are nightmarish because you are no longer dealing with dietary allergies but also preferences. Parents want to see the menu in advance and return it with notes.

We did a happiness survey recently. There was a list of about 15 things and children were asked to circle their biggest worry. The overwhelming majority circled 'my mental health'. In year 3. Either they are genuinely worried about their mental health, which is a concern in itself, or they hear their parents talking about it.

Certainly, no child ever experiences the normal range of worry or upset. Parents don't say 'he's a bit worried about the test today' they say 'this test has exacerbated his anxiety.'

It would cause me huge anxiety to let my child 'play out' unless he was in the garden. I will also be walking him to school until he's in year 7 and can get on a bus to our local secondary school, the bus stop is very close to our house. Parents these days are much more awa

Yep absolutely. And people get our their mobile phones and upload videos to social media to sort of lambast parents. So yeh, people feel the eye of big brother for sure and want to do everything perfectly

Mistake sorry... aware of pedophiles and I think there's more laws in place too to stop you from letting a young child go out unsupervised or walk to school on thier own.

However I don't see what fussy eating has to do with anything? My son is 6 and although he won't eat broccoli, he's very happy to eat most things.

Also, I spend a lot of time playing with my kids. My parents didn't do that. I was born 86.
My parents left us so they could do their hobbies or clean the house or garden.
My house is a state because I'm playing with my kids. I'm pretty sure my children are having a better childhood than me and my brother.
I remember being left in the car for over an hour whilst they went to the bank. Waiting 40 mins or more to be picked up from the train station after a school day which I had to get up at 6.30am for and I just wanted to get home and be cosy. Jeez the parents of today picking up their children and taking them place to place. Giving them food they want to eat. How awful!

On the flip side I think the technology can enable us to let children have independence earlier.

DD has just started secondary, she is autistic. She desperately wants her independence and so gets the bus. It's just public transport, not a school bus, and the stop is a 5 minute walk away, it's not like I can see her out of the window.

With the combination of a tracker, text message and the bus app I can be with her virtually still - I can see if the bus is going to be late, see that she has arrived OK at the stop, got on the bus, keep in contact if needs be.

Without any of that I would not be comfortable with her making the journey alone yet and would have to take her and pick her up, so it's benefitting her independence.

I had a few comments dropped on me when I started to let my 10 year old make her own way home from school. She knew the drill: use the crossing, stay on the pavement, look all ways at the not-very-busy t-junction. It's a smallish place, she knew loads of people and she loved the independence. She'd already been allowed some freedom closer to home.

Friend in Scandinavia was, as is normal there, leaving her 9 and 7 year olds to leave home 15 mins after she left for work, to walk up the road and get on a bus to school...

IMHO, independence in late childhood and adolescence helps with confidence, independence and general coping skills at uni.

What laws are these please?

I would argue that increased awareness of risk and danger has led to a level of concern that far outweighs the actual threat.

Well no, not really. It might be rare to have your child abducted, subjected to torture and murdered, but it’s not out of the realms of possibility either. And such cases have become rarer as children have become less likely to be out alone until a certain age. Of course, I recognise children are still hurt, but within the family

Interesting that the OP hasn't come back!

Not sure on specific laws but if my child rocked up at primary school unaccompanied by an adult it would be flagged as a safeguarding issue and outside services might get involved. Babies used to be left outside in prams but if you did that now and someone saw an unattended baby in a pram the police would be called. It's unfair for people who used to walk to school alone and play out to judge parents today that obviously can't let children do that. It's just a different time.

"Not sure on specific laws but if my child rocked up at primary school unaccompanied by an adult it would be flagged as a safeguarding issue and outside services might get involved."

It would depend on age and circumstances.

@Oneandone children are allowed to walk alone to primary school(thank goodness). All my three did at various ages - dd with a friend from start of Yr 5, ds1 not until Yr 6 (bc that was when he wanted to). No outside agencies knocking on my door at all.

This was less than 10 years ago btw. It was really unusual for any year 6 child to be picked up by a parent.

People romanticise their childhoods from years ago..From what I can see , a lot of the stuff were were allowed to do to make us ‘independent’ was mainly due to parents not wanting to be bothered with their kids and family life not being a thing.

My kids lives are much better. We’re a close family who know and are interested in what each other are up to. My children are much more confident that I ever was. The key is picking out the stuff that’s actually age appropriate and knowing the stuff that’s just neglectful and lazy.

That’s not common. Most kids seem to be in about year 3 when they stop believing so 7/8, 9 at a push. There are a few mums that say there kids believe at 11/12 but they’re mostly deluded ime.

YANBU - independence, freedom, learning how to handle peers, free time to be "bored", being allowed to take measured risks, failing etc are all so important to good MH and general resilience and self esteem. Also strong family links.

But it's so hard to balance that with today's parenting and society. Many families are quite insular now and had to move away for jobs or relationships. People used to know their neighbours and look out for each other more, fewer cars, fewer gangs, fewer two parent working families, less pressure for every child to have a bunch of hobbies.

Generally it seems to be working class kids have more freedom round here - more likely to have old school attitudes to parenting, I see some in the park by themselves from age 5/6, they have family nearby and are well embedded in their community having grown up there. On the flip side experiencing poverty or ACEs can impact MH of course. It will be really interesting to know if anyone's done a study on teen MH by socioeconomic background.

Surely there is a middle ground that most people favour. My dc played out from a young age, could prepare simple dishes from about 10, and only one of of the 5 was a fussy eater, but I do drive them to and from school, and I don't allow my 13 year old to go into town alone. I have never had a tracker on any of my dc though, and while i am not a fan of sleepovers i allow them as I know they are the norm. I grew up in the 60s/70s, we didn't have a car and had to be self sufficient, but I was a dreadfully picky eater and I believed in santa until my dad told me the truth at 9, I was devastated. So I think it's a mix, depending on where you live and your dcs personalities/abilities.

I was playing out with my friends from about age 5. This was a housing estate in the 1970's. It was brilliant out all day with loads of kids. Everyone knew everyone so we all looked out for each other.