To think overprotective parenting means kids today have a much worse quality of life

[Rainingpigs]

I grew up in the 80s and so perhaps have a very skewed view on this and I completely get the instinct to protect your kids and parents do it out of love. But, I voulenteer at a Cubs group (so age 7-10) and the kids there can do literally nothing for themselves, (on camp) are fussy eaters and have restaurant levels of specificity (e.g just plain pasta with nothing on it), are never allowed outside by themselves to play out but instead are ferried about from one pre planned activity to the next by parents.

For older kids, those as old as 13/14 their parents won’t let them get a bus into town with friends because of the perceived danger, people find it shocking there is any suggestion they would do something like trying alcohol, they’re tracked on their phones by their parents to see where they are at all times and have to give constant updates ect.

I’ve even seen cases of parents still grounding and tracking their 16/17 year old “children” (virtually adults IMO)

I’m not in any way blaming the kids and I do blush to think back to some of the things I did when I was young. However, I think that those growing up now risk not having had much of a life at all until they’re much older. Surely, the whole way you learn and become a well rounded adult is by doing stupid and risky things and learning from them. In general today it seems kids are far more anxious and less happy than they used to be. Aibu?

A 5 year old walking alone for 40mins is ok?😲

I agree op. My dd friends get ferried around everywhere and these are 15 yr olds! My dd gets public transport everywhere and although she has a moan about it sometimes has become very confident using buses trains etc and getting herself to different places. It’s done her friends no favours as they have full on anxiety attacks if they have to go anywhere on their own and has made them nervous of the outside world. Yes there are dangers everywhere but as long as your child is sensible and are aware of keeping themselves safe as much as possible you really need to give them freedom otherwise I find it turns them into anxious adults who struggle in life.

There’s a world of difference between walking your 11 year old to school which is 2 minutes away, and letting your small child be sexually abused. It’s called balance, it doesn’t seem to exist on threads like this.

The main thing I notice on here is the reluctance for independence. It is regularly cited that 12 is "far too young" to be left alone (and in darkness doubly bad!) how are children meant to learn life skills when there parents are constantly around to deal with everything?

It really is a balance. I do agree though as I was allowed out to play, out of sight from as young as 6. My dd is 8 and just started cubs. I've just started to let her out to play but she's only allowed round the corner where her friend lives. They go back and forward to each others houses or play up the grassy hill directly behind our house. She wants to walk to school by herself but although it's only 8 to 10 mins walk, the road close to the school gets busy at drop off due to all the parents driving there. I'm thinking next September(year 5) her and friend can walk together.

It's hard letting go as a parent. I know of local parents that let younger kids down the park by themselves and others who won't let them go anywhere.

My 80s/90s childhood was very different from my children’s childhood, definitely.

I do think we had a freedom my kids have missed out on - ‘playing out’, roaming off for the day with friends at quite a young age, never getting lifts anywhere (unheard of!), being very independent and streetwise and using public transport at a young age.

But I grew up in working class, inner London and my kids have grown up in a more affluent suburb with a very different culture as well as the changing times. I couldn’t have recreated the freedom I had even if I’d wanted to when they were little, as it was all play dates and parties, not playing out.

I think we do them a disservice if we coddle them in their teens, though. I’m really trying to cut the apron strings a bit and let my kids figure some stuff out for themselves.
I remember when I started at university (out of London) how sheltered some of the other kids were and how reliant on their parents to sort everything out for them. I want my teens to be as self sufficient as possible and not lazy or frightened of every risk in life.

I was the product of an 80’s free range style upbringing and I think there is a balance. I live somewhere remote so kids can roam within reason freely. It does mean they need to be driven to activities. That is important for social development too though.

Kids aren’t perpetually trying to find new and interesting ways to kill themselves. Average child will keep themselves safe around fire/ running water provided they have been taught age appropriate boundaries.

My kids from age 7 are allowed to cycle down to “base camp” home of the trampoline, swings, slack line type stuff. They have a walkie talkie for emergencies, This is generally used for requests for snacks.

There is a fire pit and a river but they are trusted not to mess with stuff and they don’t. They’d ask and an adult can come supervise some marshmallow toasting etc.

I agree with this.

My mum had the classic "only came home at meal times" countryside childhood. She describes it as idyllic, but as a mother in the 90s was very protective and concerned particularly about stranger danger.

Many of the high profile cases in the 80s/90s became so precisely because they happened in affluent, low crime areas, though. I don’t think anyone can shrug and say ah well, we are safe, we live in an area that’s low crime.

I mean yes, some obvious dangers won’t be as apparent but many will. Even the idealised small village has people going through it!

It was with his father - a poster called the father cruel for expecting the child to walk at all.

In many European countries it’d absolutely be the norm. In the UK I have to collect an 11yo off the school bus. Not entirely sure we have the right balance.

@womaninatightspot
Why do you have to collect an 11 yo? My dd wouldn’t go anywhere by herself until a couple of months into year 7 so I did drop at the bus stop and collect her for a while. But it wasn’t compulsory. Until that stage, her friends walked to our house on their own to collect her or I dropped her off at a friend’s and they went off from there but the logistically closest friend went to a different school so there was no one to walk with.

My grandparents walked to school from 4/5 without an adult and some distance away. As there were a lot of adults walking to work rather than by car, there was plenty of help if they got lost.

As for walking in European countries from a young age, I remember a poster living in Germany commenting on a thread that the children are sort of supervised at various points. Not sure how that works.

I grew up in the '60s and I was allowed to do things that would probably get parents reported to social services nowadays, eg play in derelict houses, take a packed lunch and get 2 buses to go and play in the woods all day at 10, go up to London with a friend and not come back till 10.30 at 14.

My SIL won't let her 13 year old travel 2 stops on the train to school, she drives her both ways, even though the train is quicker, it doesn't involve busy roads and the station is close by at both ends. And she has a mobile, so can ring for a lift if the train's late or not running for any reason. Loads of girls at my secondary school did long and complicated journeys by public transport from 11.

I find it sad, tbh.

I work in a school and see a lot of anxious teenagers who have absolutely no resilience, ability to judge risk or problem-solve without adult support. This is largely because well-meaning parents have spent the child's life anticipating and removing obstacles, often trying to head off any problems or potential source of anxiety before they even happen. These parents will intervene in things like friendship issues so they never have to work out how to resolve things for themselves. The problem is that as they get older there will be things the parents can't do for them, or help them avoid, like exams, and the poor kids can't cope.

On the other end of the scale, we have 11 year olds who are out hanging around in parks until all hours, drinking, smoking cannabis and hanging around with much older teenagers, no routines or boundaries at home. They as anxious as the over-protected kids (probably more-so actually but it's hidden behind bravado and challenging behaviour) because they haven't been protected enough.

The kids who tend to do well (not just in terms of achievement, but emotionally and socially) are the ones whose parents are loving and nurturing but also understand they can't fix all their kids problems, and shouldn't try to.

And roads are far busier and more dangerous now than they were when I was young.

They've completely changed all the road layout around where I lived when I was at primary school, and the road I used to cross on my way to school is now so busy that I'd be reluctant to cross it as an adult.

I'm a scouts leader too.

The thing is the world isn't a hugely safe place.

The point of Beavers, cubs, Scouts is that they get to take risks within boundaries. My 7 year old gets to fry sausages on a camp fire, abseil down a slope to a river in the village. You are supposed to be facilitating part of their opportunity to take safe activities that feel a bit risky. I think it's sad you don't understand that.

And as for the food, lots of neurodiverse children would starve rather than eat pasta with a sauce. Their parents get to make the decisions to feed what they want and push boundaries at home. You are being very unreasonable to judge!

I think what's potentially problematic is if kids don't get to build up independence gradually and then struggle like mad once they turn 18 and are expected to have the skills for adulthood- getting a job/going to Uni/moving out etc

Jumpers for goalposts and all that. Yawn.

Hate these kinds of posts. Wasn't life better in the old days when kids were seen and not heard'

Shut up.

Council rules. Primary school children using school buses must be met at the drop off point aka foot of the drive by an adult. Fair enough for little ones but they are allowed to leave school alone at P5 it’d be fair if they could also walk up the drive at that age. If I’m working from home It can be a pita as the drop window is 20 minutes long so it can take half an hour for what is a 300m/ 5 minute walk.

once in secondary they can fend for themselves though.

Yadnbu. Imo this is one of the causes if such bad mental health in kids today.

I find this a really difficult issue to negotiate.

My girls are 7 and 5. There are loads of kids the same age free-ranging around our estate but I won’t allow it yet. Too many cars. Too many houses and strangers. Too much bullying going on in the play park etc.

One woman posted on the estate Facebook group because she couldn’t find her 8 year old and he hadn’t come home when he was supposed to. She was asked “where does he usually go to play?” And she had absolutely no idea. No idea where he might be or who he might be with. He did eventually turn up, but I feel like 8 is very young to just let them outside with no idea where they are off to, who they are with etc. they’re too “portable” at that age - if someone wanted to kidnap my 7 year old daughter for example they would have no difficulty in doing so (I know it’s statistically very unlikely but tell that to the parents of Sarah Payne, Holly and Jessica etc).

i was allowed to play out in the street with other kids from when I was about 9 or 10. But we lived on a very busy road. My parents were overprotective but I get it.

There's a balance to be struck.
I wouldn't want my daughters to have my Dad's feral 1950s childhood but I want them to be independent.
I live near a Uni and from September on the bus is delayed by 18/19 year olds who don't seem to know how buses work, are faffling with change, won't buy a bloody travel card.

YANBU, but they’re also not allowed to be warned of danger. When I was at primary (early ‘80s) we watched the British Rail ‘Robbie’ video. It’s available on YouTube if anyone is interested. That was nearly 40 years ago and stuck with me, I knew never to play/cross train tracks.

My mum worked at my old school, long after DB and I had left and said it was no longer shown as it was deemed “too scary”. I remember all the public information films; spirit of dark and lonely water, escalator safety, electricity pylons. I think they were valuable, they needed to be ‘scary’ to drive the message home!

I grew up in a small village as did dh. We now live in a small town and it’s so different for children growing up. In the village everyone knew everyone, your parents knew everyone and we all looked out for each other, this doesn’t happen in small towns.

school catchments are bigger so further to travel and friendship circles spread out more. More clubs for children to attend too.

I am more cautious after dark with my too (late teens , early twenties ) as was attacked by a man when out with friends one night and have been spiked also therefore I’m more on edge and would prefer to pick them up from bus stops after dark or from town if they can’t get a taxi,