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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dress and SIL/DM

92 replies

Bridetobe9 · 07/10/2022 17:02

Fully prepared to be told I’m being ridiculous!

Im getting married soonish and earlier this year went wedding dress shopping. I don’t like a lot of fuss so just took my mum. Found a dress and bought it, all good.

A few weeks ago SIL and DB also got married. I know my Mum had gone with SIL to choose her dress as well. What I was not expecting was for her dress to be near identical to mine!!

I’m pretty annoyed that she didn’t say anything when I was choosing my dress as I wouldn’t have picked it. My wedding day is getting closer and I can’t work out if I’m being ridiculous or not. It’s so expensive to change but I don’t want to wear it now. AIBU about wearing the dress and AIBU to think my mum could have said something!

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 07/10/2022 17:05

You like the dress and unless you've gone for something really off the wall most wedding dresses look pretty much the same.

AliceThroughTheLookingGlass · 07/10/2022 17:08

You’re not being unreasonable to be disappointed that your mother didn’t say anything, but you are being a bit unreasonable about not wearing the dress (although you can’t help the way you feel!).

Depending on the style you can alter it with things like wraps, capes, lace jackets, belts, etc to differentiate it - if it really needs that.

notme1969 · 07/10/2022 17:09

Can you make it look a bit different with accessories. Or take it to a seamstress and see if there is anything they can do to make it more individual?
I agree with @DysmalRadius most wedding dresses are similar these days and you will obviously look better in yours 😜

HikingforScenery · 07/10/2022 17:09

Unless your sil is wearing hers to your wedding and you’ll be twinning, yabu. It’ll look different on each of you. Are you worried she wore it better or something? Surely, no one would think you copied her? Maybe it looked so different on each of you that your mum didn’t notice?
if you love it, wear it.

NCFT0922 · 07/10/2022 17:11

What @DysmalRadius said

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 17:12

Hmm how identical are we actually talking here? I think it's kind of one of those things where as long as you love your dress and feel fabulous in it then that's really what matters? You can style it differently/ choose what to do regarding veil accessories and shoes etc. Plus everything else about your wedding will be different so I kind of think unless they are the actual same dress it'll be fine and you're probably noticing more similarities because it's something you're conscious of? Speak to your seamstress about any little changes you'd like to make but if you love it then wear it! You bought it for a reason!

Paq · 07/10/2022 17:18

You both chose dresses you loved. If I was a guest at both weddings it wouldn't cross my mind to compare brides/dresses. Have a wonderful day and congratulations.

Hearthnhome · 07/10/2022 17:21

What did you want your mum to say?

’don’t choose that one it looks like dds’

What if sil had said ‘but this is THE dress’ did you expect Sil to pick something she didn’t want? Would that be the acceptable outcome?

Or should your mum have forbade her?

Original poster
Bridetobe9 · 07/10/2022 17:23

@Hearthnhome SIL bought her dress before I had mine? So when I asked, what does SIL dress look like, I expected her to say ‘just like the one you’re about to buy actually’!

OP posts:
HanSB · 07/10/2022 17:24

No one is going to be comparing dresses. You are not wearing them at the same time or side by side. I wouldn't worry about it, they are not the same dress anyway and you will look beautiful in yours. You chose the dress that suited you best and you loved, don't let this diminish that fact and enjoy wearing it.

StopFeckingFaffing · 07/10/2022 17:26

Was your SIL's definitely bought before yours? If yes then I can understand why you're a bit annoyed that your DM didn't point out the similarity when you went shopping with her

Having said that the reality is there tends to be a silhouette which is currently fashionable for wedding dresses so they do all tend to look very similar unless you go for something which is genuinely outside of the current trend.

Hearthnhome · 07/10/2022 17:26

Bridetobe9 · 07/10/2022 17:23

@Hearthnhome SIL bought her dress before I had mine? So when I asked, what does SIL dress look like, I expected her to say ‘just like the one you’re about to buy actually’!

But maybe she didn’t remember in detail.

Maybe she did want to put you off the stress you wanted.

Maybe she didn’t think it would be a problem. Because for most people it wouldn’t be.

W0tnow · 07/10/2022 17:26

If it’s long and white and a bit pouty, I’m afraid you’re in for a shock.

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2022 17:26

I doubt anyone will notice!

W0tnow · 07/10/2022 17:26

Poufy, not pouty.

YellowTreeHouse · 07/10/2022 17:28

Why does it matter?

You chose the dress because you liked it. How does someone else having a similar dress change that?

FlissyPaps · 07/10/2022 17:30

If it’s affecting you this much return it and buy a new one that’s different.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 07/10/2022 17:30

Ah this is a tricky one but I think the heart of the matter is your mum didn’t share something she knew with you, has that made you feel a bit pushed out? How is your relationship generally? Are you usually very close? It’s a bit odd that she never said “oh that’s just like SIL’s dress” or something. Having said that, is there a chance she thought they all look like that this season? Styles today probably look very similar when you compare to, for example, Lady Di’s wedding dress in the 80s.

Original poster
Bridetobe9 · 07/10/2022 17:32

I think SIL bought her dress a good 6 months before I bought mine. I explicitly asked my mum so I guess I’m annoyed she didn’t say it then!

OP posts:
MrsTimRiggins · 07/10/2022 17:32

How similar are we talking? White with a bit of lace / sparkle similar, YABU. The same design altogether, yanbu in that a heads up would’ve been good .

KosherDill · 07/10/2022 17:32

Give us an idea of how similar they are.

CheezePleeze · 07/10/2022 17:34

How 'near identical' though?

Lots of wedding dresses look almost the same to me if they're the same style. Especially all the white strapless type ones, so maybe she got confused?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2022 17:36

YANBU to be upset. YABU to expect your mum to remember just how similar they are after 6 months.

ThreeblackCats · 07/10/2022 17:41

Let me guess…your dress is long, white, maybe with some lace on it?
in all honesty, get over yourself. I’ve never looked at wedding dress and thought “wow that’s so similar to another dress”

Get a different veil, wear a shrug, add a diamanté belt or cancel your wedding. You honestly don’t sound very mature if you’d even consider cancelling your dress because someone else wore one similar.

Or maybe watch the Vicar of Dibley. Spoiler, she gets married in her pyjamas.

marriage isn’t all about the wedding day. I’m sure your dress is gorgeous. Wedding nerves can’t be a bitch but you really need to get a grip.

Javajayj · 07/10/2022 17:41

OP I think I'd feel the same as you in this situation, especially if you'd asked her.

Although your mum probably wanted you to have the dress you really wanted and loved. If she'd have said at the time, perhaps she thought you'd be upset about that as it's the one you loved?

So many friends have had similar dresses, but everything else about them and the day...hair, jewellery, colours, flowers, bridesmaids dresses, suits, location etc have all been different. Try not to worry.