Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think my Dh was a selfish twat last night?

106 replies

bettyfretty · 07/10/2022 14:15

It's playing on my mind but I can't work out if it's being selfish in what he said or not.

My step daughter is 17. Get on with her mum and family on her mums side great. No issues with co parenting. They did move away - 35 min drive from us a few years back but not caused many issues.

So dsd is 17 now, in college, part time job. She was coming to us every other weekend and extra when she wanted but that's stopped now. She has a key to our house and just comes when she wants too. There's a good bus route for her to come and go as she pleases. Sometimes we don't see her much at all, especially now she has a job and she likes to spend all her free time out with her mates doing god knows what....teenage stuff. Her life is at home with her mum. She has everything there and she's just growing up.

The past year or so she only really comes to us when she feels like she has too but we understand that. We include her in everything we do - or at least ask if she wants to join us on days out etc. When she goes coke to us, she's usually rude, acts like she doesn't want to be here. She recently had her birthday and we tried to amke a huge fuss but ultimately she came for her gifts and then buggered off into town with her mates and didn't come back 😂

There always been an issue where she plays her mum and dad against each other. If she falls out with Dh, she will go crying to her mum and vice versa. She falls out with her mum quite regularly which results in a phone call to Dh announcing that dsd is coming to live with us. It lasts a couple of days and then she goes back to her mum.

It happened again a few days ago. Rang up Dh saying she's had enough and was coming to live with us. She said her mum had had enough of her and told her to come live with us. Turned up at home with her little handbag - no clothes etc. She then asked if she could invite a boy round to the house. Dh was firm and said no, he wanted to sit down and talk about what's happened with her mum and there was no way she could just turn up with a random boy and act like nothings happened.

Spoke to dsds mum who admitted she maybe over reacted herself to dsd but she was fed up of her attitude. She's just had a baby herself so she's tired and I feel for her. I have huge respect for her mum, she's great and tries her best. The attitude of my step daughter is pretty bad at the moment. It has been for some time.

Anyway the next night as per, she starts hinting she wants to go home. Bearing in mind it was late, Dh had been working 1.5 hours away from home so done lots of driving, hadn't been in long or had his tea, he offered to take her home.

But then he said: 'this isn't fair on me all this, you expect me to take you home now. You do this all the time and just expect me to run rings around you, it's not fair on me'

The amount of times he said 'this isn't fair on me' I thought was quite selfish of him. He then said how 2 nights in a row he hadn't spent anytime with our son (who is only young) because she had turned up yet again after a fall out with her mum.

I felt quite bad for her here. If her mums telling her to go live with her dad but then dads making out like she's a burden then my step daughter will surely be feeling a bit shit?

DH drove her home and I pulled him up on it when he got back. I said that DSD is his responsibility too and not just her mums. I also said that while it's meant he hasn't really seen our son for a couple of days, she is his daughter too and she hardly sees him - fair enough it's her choice now (she's always always welcome at our home). He said he didn't mean it in a selfish way, he just meant that he knows dsd doesn't want to or have any intention of living with us. She is just using us when she falls out with her mum and that's what he feels is unfair on him. He would rather help her learn how to communicate properly instead of the whole drama that it creates when she just turns up announcing she's living with us.

Opinions? I don't know if I'm right to pull him up on what he said or not. He handled the night she turned up absolutely great. But the minute she wanted to go him he just started what I thought was being quite selfish and like she's a burden.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/10/2022 14:21

I dont think he was selfish at all tbh, Your dsd on the other hand sounds like a spoilt madam!

You sound like a great step mum btw :)

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/10/2022 14:26

I don't think that was bad. She sounds quite selfish and entitled and expects both of her parents to drop everything to facilitate every whim.

Yes it's probably unsettling having separated parents and her mum having a baby but that's not a reason for her to treat her DF like a taxi service/ATM.

As long as he wasn't aggressive or unpleasant in the way he spoke to her I don't see any problem in him pointing out that she's taking the piss.

theemmadilemma · 07/10/2022 14:29

She needs being told she can't keep doing that. Not for ridiculous reasons and then expecting everyone to run around after her.

She's 17, not 7, she can comprehend that.

He's parenting.

gamerchick · 07/10/2022 14:31

A lot of teens are dicks at that age. If they're allowed to behave like that then how do they learn. She needed telling.

Parky04 · 07/10/2022 14:32

YABVU. Your DH hasn't done anything wrong! You don't agree to your DC every demand!

Midnights · 07/10/2022 14:32

I think YABU - she needs to learn there is consequences to her actions, she can't just swan from house to house being demanding and rude to people 🤷🏻‍♀️ he's parenting!

Aria999 · 07/10/2022 14:32

I'm with your DH. It is not reasonable for your DSD to expect everyone to drop everything and drive her round town at short notice whenever she feels like it.

He tried to discuss the situation with her and she wasn't interested.

Aggypanthus · 07/10/2022 14:34

I think he said the right things and you should have stayed out of it

Delilahonabike · 07/10/2022 14:35

I'm with him too OP, although I do agree with PP that you sound like a great step mum. It sounds like it would do DSD no harm whatsoever to consider whether her actions are fair to her dad, or indeed her mum.

Original poster

bettyfretty · 07/10/2022 14:35

No that's absolutely fine. I get I'm being unreasonable. I just felt for her slightly as her mum told her she had enough and she needs to come live with her yet she turns up, Dh acts like she's a bit of a burden. I just didn't like the way he made it DS sound more important than her.

I was just seeing through her eyes but she is very very selfish and thinks the world revolves around her.

I love her to pieces but I tend to not speak to her when shes like this. We have a great bond and are very close but I just avoid it all completely.

OP posts:

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/10/2022 14:36

Yabvu. She's behaving like a brat and getting away with it. I think her father is correct.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 07/10/2022 14:37

Your DH is right and your dsd sounds selfish and spoilt.

momtoboys · 07/10/2022 14:38

I think he sounds like he was being a parent. It seems like she wants what she wants when she wants it. I think you were hard on him.

Maray1967 · 07/10/2022 14:38

You sound like a brilliant step mum - but I think your DH needed to tackle this with her. She has two homes she can feel secure in, by the sound of it. She’s being a teen, flouncing around- and she needed to be told that she’s not behaving well.

Sirzy · 07/10/2022 14:39

She is playing both parents off each other and they have realised that and are now putting a stop to it.

you need to stop trying to be her friend in all of this as it will only play into her hard done to narrative

UWhatNow · 07/10/2022 14:39

It isn’t fair to ask him to drive her home on a whim when he’s had a long day at work and no tea.

How are these teenagers supposed to learn empathy if adults don’t spell it out to them?

She should have a regard for the adults who do a lot for her and he was just spelling that out.

Badgirlriri · 07/10/2022 14:40

I also think it needed saying to the DSD. He must feel hurt she only wants him when she’s got nowhere else to go and then ditches him straight after.

Sunnyqueen · 07/10/2022 14:41

You were in the wrong here for sure. Pandering to this girl all the time is clearly not doing her or any of you any favours. If she's big and grown enough to run round the houses, playing her parents off against each other etc. then she is big and grown enough to hear some truths, and that includes how her clicking her fingers to her dad affects her little brother.

butterflyflutterby123 · 07/10/2022 14:41

In this case believe dh is in the right and she can't just use everyone all the time .that said you sound like such an amazing step mum who is invested and cares ... Not seeing dsd as an unwelcome burden from fha previous life sending love and respect 💐💐💐

Delilahonabike · 07/10/2022 14:41

bettyfretty · 07/10/2022 14:35

I was just seeing through her eyes but she is very very selfish and thinks the world revolves around her.

I love her to pieces but I tend to not speak to her when shes like this. We have a great bond and are very close but I just avoid it all completely.

I think you're absolutely right to ignore it/not get involved OP, DSD sounds like a lucky girl all round to me.

LuckyCat4 · 07/10/2022 14:41

So often a bio parent won't address it when their child is being a dick for fear of alienation. Its really refreshing to read that your OH was clear with your SD that she was taking the piss

Motherofalittledragon · 07/10/2022 14:42

dsd needed pulling up, she's behaving like a spoilt madam with no consequences. Fair play to him.

AliceS1994 · 07/10/2022 14:42

She's a teenager. Do you think this could be her feeling put out by new baby? Don't understand the impact of this on older children or even teenagers. She needs boundaries and for you to give clear expectations but also needs connection and to feel special. Difficult to do both but if I were easy teenagers would be a breeze!

Toomanysleepycats · 07/10/2022 14:43

It’s very difficult when they’re at that age. Teenagers can be incredibly selfish and have a very self-centred view of the world.

Theres a very fine line sometimes between having sympathy for them when things are difficult, and pulling them up on their behaviour because they need to treat others with respect.

It seems you are on one side of the line (she plays up, falls out with her mother, so she plays up some more, because she’s fallen out with her mother, and ends up falling out with her father). You can see cause and effect.

Her dad maybe just feels it as a slight on him, and turns it into how it’s affecting him.

Im slightly on your side. Perhaps if he can put his ego to one side and not turn it into what’s happening to him, you would have felt better about it all.

Perhaps look at the bigger picture and the long view. If this is just a one off on his part, let it go. But he needs reminding that if he wants a good and loving relationship with her (if not in the present, then for the future), he needs to show her that he will always love her

As I said, they can be hard to love at this stage, but it’s sometimes when they need to know it the most.

slowquickstep · 07/10/2022 14:50

It is time for her to grow up, i think both her parents need to present a united front , sit down with her and tell her enough is enough. They both need to stick together on this. Your Step daughter needs to know there will be no more acting like a 7 year old.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread