To think my Dh was a selfish twat last night?

[bettyfretty]

It's playing on my mind but I can't work out if it's being selfish in what he said or not.

My step daughter is 17. Get on with her mum and family on her mums side great. No issues with co parenting. They did move away - 35 min drive from us a few years back but not caused many issues.

So dsd is 17 now, in college, part time job. She was coming to us every other weekend and extra when she wanted but that's stopped now. She has a key to our house and just comes when she wants too. There's a good bus route for her to come and go as she pleases. Sometimes we don't see her much at all, especially now she has a job and she likes to spend all her free time out with her mates doing god knows what....teenage stuff. Her life is at home with her mum. She has everything there and she's just growing up.

The past year or so she only really comes to us when she feels like she has too but we understand that. We include her in everything we do - or at least ask if she wants to join us on days out etc. When she goes coke to us, she's usually rude, acts like she doesn't want to be here. She recently had her birthday and we tried to amke a huge fuss but ultimately she came for her gifts and then buggered off into town with her mates and didn't come back 😂

There always been an issue where she plays her mum and dad against each other. If she falls out with Dh, she will go crying to her mum and vice versa. She falls out with her mum quite regularly which results in a phone call to Dh announcing that dsd is coming to live with us. It lasts a couple of days and then she goes back to her mum.

It happened again a few days ago. Rang up Dh saying she's had enough and was coming to live with us. She said her mum had had enough of her and told her to come live with us. Turned up at home with her little handbag - no clothes etc. She then asked if she could invite a boy round to the house. Dh was firm and said no, he wanted to sit down and talk about what's happened with her mum and there was no way she could just turn up with a random boy and act like nothings happened.

Spoke to dsds mum who admitted she maybe over reacted herself to dsd but she was fed up of her attitude. She's just had a baby herself so she's tired and I feel for her. I have huge respect for her mum, she's great and tries her best. The attitude of my step daughter is pretty bad at the moment. It has been for some time.

Anyway the next night as per, she starts hinting she wants to go home. Bearing in mind it was late, Dh had been working 1.5 hours away from home so done lots of driving, hadn't been in long or had his tea, he offered to take her home.

But then he said: 'this isn't fair on me all this, you expect me to take you home now. You do this all the time and just expect me to run rings around you, it's not fair on me'

The amount of times he said 'this isn't fair on me' I thought was quite selfish of him. He then said how 2 nights in a row he hadn't spent anytime with our son (who is only young) because she had turned up yet again after a fall out with her mum.

I felt quite bad for her here. If her mums telling her to go live with her dad but then dads making out like she's a burden then my step daughter will surely be feeling a bit shit?

DH drove her home and I pulled him up on it when he got back. I said that DSD is his responsibility too and not just her mums. I also said that while it's meant he hasn't really seen our son for a couple of days, she is his daughter too and she hardly sees him - fair enough it's her choice now (she's always always welcome at our home). He said he didn't mean it in a selfish way, he just meant that he knows dsd doesn't want to or have any intention of living with us. She is just using us when she falls out with her mum and that's what he feels is unfair on him. He would rather help her learn how to communicate properly instead of the whole drama that it creates when she just turns up announcing she's living with us.

Opinions? I don't know if I'm right to pull him up on what he said or not. He handled the night she turned up absolutely great. But the minute she wanted to go him he just started what I thought was being quite selfish and like she's a burden.

I don’t see the problem with a child taking for granted that her father and stepmums home is a safety net to her? Or that a teenager of 17 in school and with a PT job can come and go as they please…that’s normal & healthy for an extroverted teen. It is a good step towards independence to be out and about getting those grades, getting work experience, building a social support network and home becoming a touchstone. It’s part of the transition to being mature enough to permanently leave and live on your own with flat mates or go to Uni.

And as for not spending much time with OP and her dad, it’s a 35min drive away from her primary home…so her school isn’t there, her friends are not there, in short her life is not there. She’s really going there especially to see them and her half-sibling. And she’s making an effort.

Of course they should still welcome her! She’s not doing anything wrong imho. The whole I’m coming to live with you announcement that happens every other week…well everyone should know by now it’s not serious and be like, yeah whatever, sure you are. Wink wink. Stay as long as you want.

ClocksGoingBackwards ·

But it wasn’t her choice to have separated parents and it wasn’t her choice to have her separated parents living 35 minutes drive apart from each other so she deserves to be accommodated. Your DH needs to accept this is just a consequence of having a child he no longer lives with. He presumably has had much more time with his son recently than he has his daughter and he was out of order to tell his daughter that she shouldn’t have come because it means he doesn’t get enough time with his other child. I’d find that very hard to forgive in his daughters position and he needs to apologise.

But he didn't say she shouldn't have come, he pointed out she'd turned up after yet another row with her mum but had now changed her mind and wanted to go home. Why should he apologise for parenting her? Yes she's a teenager but now 17 and not far away from being considered adult at age 18 - she needs to understand that she can't play one parent off against the other and that she has to fit in around other people sometimes! He'd only just got in after a long day and hadn't even had his tea yet, she was being inconsiderate. I think he should have said fine but you'll need to wait for a lift, or take the bus.

He should've said "I've only just got in and I'm too tired to drive you tonight. Let's hang out and I'll take you back in the morning."

He was right to set boundaries, but moaning about it not being fair makes it seem like he has no control over it and bringing DS into it was insensitive.

He’s trying to turn her into a more considerate less selfish person. That’s his job. You were being really out of order to “pull him up” on his normal reaction to her bratty behaviour. He was exhausted and still did what she wanted and came home to a lecture. Poor bloke. You’re supposed to be his wife not his mother, back off.

Well no, there is nothing wrong with a teenager taking for granted the safety and openness of their parents home, but at the same time, there is nothing wrong with expecting a teen not to abuse that either.

Yes, I get that teenagers are young and dumb and selfish. Between my wife and I, we have survived five of them. The thing is, even with that, they are still old enough and smart enough to understand and show basic respect. While true that they often don't show it, that is what parenting is. Teaching them. Part of that is pulling them up on their behaviour. In this case, the daughter was yet again unreasonable, she was being unfair, and there's nothing wrong with calling that out. It is quite likely that it didn't even register with her that her dad said that.

From what has been described about the whole dynamic, I don't think for one second that the daughter actually feels unwelcome at either house. In my own experience with the teens, this actually all sounds pretty normal. Frustrating, yes. Eyerolling, for sure. But that pretty much sums up having teens in ones life.

All this virtue signalling in your post .. it seems like
you secretly agree with what your husband said but its making you feel a tad guilty ..

You secretly like it that your husband is "standing up to his daughter"
And of course you have to pretend to "tell him off" because you dont want to look like you agree ( you do)

Im not saying you dont care about your step daughter and it seems like you do have some empathy that she might be feeling rejected..
But dont try and pretend you arent bothered about your SDs bad attitude and selfish behaviours

I agree with this. It would be better if he'd just said no to her demand for a lift home, but not said all the stuff about it not being fair etc. Your DSD does need to learn that she can't treat people as disposible/there to serve her at her whim though.

we don't do nearly enough for dsd

You’ve given her her own bed, storage, key, and tell her she can come by whenever she wants. She chooses not to visit unless her mum has said “no” to her so she runs to dad. You give her presents and then she disappears as soon as she opens them. She is treating her mum and dad appallingly. You can’t really do “more” for her if she doesn’t want to spend time with you. She’s 17, not 7.

If she doesn’t like how her mum has had a baby (I don’t blame her. I’d hate this too if I was her) then she has the option to move in with you and her dad. She needs to decide.

I don't think he was wrong but you sound really lovely and considerate, sd is lucky to have you.

Where have I said I'm not bothered? No offence but I have been there and stuck by my step daughter for the last 9 years. I treat her as my own. I have a close bind with her. I take her out shopping, for meals and spend quality time with her. Her attitude has grown far worse than I ever imagined over the last year and I support Dh 100% and her mother in that it needs to be dealt with. Her attitude to me is just as bad but I just keep quiet. Only the other day I went to pick her and her friend up and dropped them off at home and didn't even get a thank you for going miles out of my way for doing so.

But I will stand by what I said that bringing our DS into seems unfair. Like others have said, it's not her fault that she has separated parents and I've always been very aware of that. Boundaries need put in place but the right ones. I don't agree with saying Dh is missing time with his son because of his daughter is right under any circumstances.

Did you offer to drop her off at home? Your DH, after a long day hadn’t had a chance to eat or rest and had to do an unexpected 70min round trip. Of course it’s unfair on him.
Hope you’ll apologise today. He’s doing his part as a good parent by pulling his daughter up on her poor behaviour. Leave him be.

I am always picking her up and dropping her off places. See my previous comment.

You don’t treat her as your own, and I don’t think you need to, she has two involved parents which is plenty. But you’re choosing not to deal with her bad attitude and horrible entitled behaviour leaving that to her dad so you can’t turn criticise him for trying to manage it and get her to realise he’s a person with feelings too. Someone’s got to tackle her or she’ll go from a selfish thoughtless nearly adult to a monster of an adult. Parenting is the difficult stuff as much as it’s the fun shopping stuff.

When your son, your actual own, is 17 and being a dick are you going to pull him up on it or just leave it to his dad?

You can’t have it both ways. If you only want the fun bits of step parenting a teen that’s fine but be honest about it. The tackling crap behaviour is a massive part of parenting, you absolve yourself of that so keep your thoughts about he’s doing it to yourself. The very least you can do is back him up without criticism.

If ever there was a post on here designed to illicit “you’re a wonderful step mum” comments it’s this. If you need a little boost that’s fine but some of what you’re saying is wildly inconsistent and I’m glad to see people backing him up.

What????

And in a way, it doesn't get any better...

Sort of a light hearted example along the same line from just today.

My wife and I are heading to our 28 year old daughters house this afternoon after I get off work, and will be taking care of the two grandkids while she and her husband go off for the weekend. So my daughter texts and asks if I'll make her favorite tea when I get there. So work all day, drive two hours, then make her favorite which takes about an hour. Do I want to? Nah, not really. Am I going to? Of course, she my daughter. Am I going to give her crap about it being unreasonable? Yep. No way I'd pass up that chance :D And she'll still know that I'll do unreasonable things for her. The thing is though, that if I said no, I didn't really feel like it, she would completely respect that.

Like others have said, it's not her fault that she has separated parents and I've always been very aware of that.

Millions of us have divorced parents and are also step parents to children of divorcee parents. It’s not carte blanche for being a dick, least of all when it’s been many years. We do our children and step children no favours by pandering to bullshit with this tired old excuse.

I don't agree with saying Dh is missing time with his son because of his daughter is right under any circumstances.

You don’t have to agree but you have no right undermining his feelings. He’s got two children, you’ve got one. He’s missing time with one of them because of the pathetic chopping, changing and manipulation of the other. He’s sticking up for his time with his son, once again it’s literally nothing to do with you that he’s chosen to express that. How relationship with his daughter is his to manage. You don’t have to like it but you do have to wind your neck in.

What a lovely stepmom you sound.
However she’s very nearly an adult so time she just stopped all this.

I think he was quite right to point out the impact she is having on him.
At 17 she needs to realise the impact her decisions have on other people.
you say she is selfish - so all the more reason for her to be made aware that she does not live in a vacuum and that people are not puppets to jump around to her demands

Yes I think he was right be fed up. Sounds like she is playing them off against each other a little? and possibly the argument was about the boy she wanted to bring round? it sounds like she has access to your home when she wants and therefore she must feel like it is her home too, so no need for the drama of moving in or out if she has her own key.

You have to put your foot down a little, although I would guess the new baby is unsettling at 17. Other than that she sounds pretty much like a normal teenager.

This!!! It's not her fault her parents split up, but she also has to be mindful she is not the only person on the planet.It seems she was the only child for a while, and now has siblings on both sides and does not react well to it.

I make him right.

She's got a part time job, if she wanted to go home she could've paid for a taxi if her dad didn't want to take her.

I have survived 3 and my last is 18 right now. So I get you. I think where we differ might be in our interpretation of what the OP has written as I do not see the DD17 abusing the guarantee of a safe space/home or being unreasonable with her Dad & stepmum.

Yes, like yours, my DC were/are better behaved but they never had to deal with split parents having new partners with new babies- essentially her family unit is gone and replaced by two new families with her stuck in the middle, half in and half out of both. Or the travel and transport challenges of one place being a 35min drive away. So, I admit I am cutting the DD17 some slack as I think her situation is more challenging than the average teen.

I agree she feels welcome and it’s pretty normal sounding as well. I was originally complimenting the OP for that and saying it’s important she has that safe space for when she falls out with her mum.

YANBU

How does he not see his son when he lives with him!

Her mum kicked her out so she should be made to feel welcome by her own dad.

I can see why she doesn’t bother coming around much.

Poor kid is unwanted by both parents it seems.

Dad has a son who he’d prefer to spend time alone with and mum has a new baby who she’d prefer to spend alone time with.

Your DH was welcoming when she turned up, then pointed out the effect it had on him and others when she decided to go back - I think that's a fair balance of being welcoming but not a walkover.
It's not good behaviour to crash land into someone's household - even your own - and suck up all the energy and cause an emotional whirlwind and then depart. She would be pulled up on it if she did this in a house where her parents live together and should also be pulled up on it in a house where one of her parents and their other family members live.
It's the behaviour that's unwelcome - not the person.
I'm with your DH.

Where we see things differently I think is that I see the daughters attitude and expectations and demands as abusing as abusing the guarantee of a safe and open home, always welcome, because if it was any person other than the daughter behaving that way, I can't imagine this behaviour would be tolerated at all, and the person would not be welcome.

Hell, even other family members such as cousins or aunts and uncles, it would not be welcome or tolerated. So in that regard, and maybe not consciously, but she absolutely is taking advantage of the fact that she is the daughter.