To think my Dh was a selfish twat last night?

[bettyfretty]

It's playing on my mind but I can't work out if it's being selfish in what he said or not.

My step daughter is 17. Get on with her mum and family on her mums side great. No issues with co parenting. They did move away - 35 min drive from us a few years back but not caused many issues.

So dsd is 17 now, in college, part time job. She was coming to us every other weekend and extra when she wanted but that's stopped now. She has a key to our house and just comes when she wants too. There's a good bus route for her to come and go as she pleases. Sometimes we don't see her much at all, especially now she has a job and she likes to spend all her free time out with her mates doing god knows what....teenage stuff. Her life is at home with her mum. She has everything there and she's just growing up.

The past year or so she only really comes to us when she feels like she has too but we understand that. We include her in everything we do - or at least ask if she wants to join us on days out etc. When she goes coke to us, she's usually rude, acts like she doesn't want to be here. She recently had her birthday and we tried to amke a huge fuss but ultimately she came for her gifts and then buggered off into town with her mates and didn't come back 😂

There always been an issue where she plays her mum and dad against each other. If she falls out with Dh, she will go crying to her mum and vice versa. She falls out with her mum quite regularly which results in a phone call to Dh announcing that dsd is coming to live with us. It lasts a couple of days and then she goes back to her mum.

It happened again a few days ago. Rang up Dh saying she's had enough and was coming to live with us. She said her mum had had enough of her and told her to come live with us. Turned up at home with her little handbag - no clothes etc. She then asked if she could invite a boy round to the house. Dh was firm and said no, he wanted to sit down and talk about what's happened with her mum and there was no way she could just turn up with a random boy and act like nothings happened.

Spoke to dsds mum who admitted she maybe over reacted herself to dsd but she was fed up of her attitude. She's just had a baby herself so she's tired and I feel for her. I have huge respect for her mum, she's great and tries her best. The attitude of my step daughter is pretty bad at the moment. It has been for some time.

Anyway the next night as per, she starts hinting she wants to go home. Bearing in mind it was late, Dh had been working 1.5 hours away from home so done lots of driving, hadn't been in long or had his tea, he offered to take her home.

But then he said: 'this isn't fair on me all this, you expect me to take you home now. You do this all the time and just expect me to run rings around you, it's not fair on me'

The amount of times he said 'this isn't fair on me' I thought was quite selfish of him. He then said how 2 nights in a row he hadn't spent anytime with our son (who is only young) because she had turned up yet again after a fall out with her mum.

I felt quite bad for her here. If her mums telling her to go live with her dad but then dads making out like she's a burden then my step daughter will surely be feeling a bit shit?

DH drove her home and I pulled him up on it when he got back. I said that DSD is his responsibility too and not just her mums. I also said that while it's meant he hasn't really seen our son for a couple of days, she is his daughter too and she hardly sees him - fair enough it's her choice now (she's always always welcome at our home). He said he didn't mean it in a selfish way, he just meant that he knows dsd doesn't want to or have any intention of living with us. She is just using us when she falls out with her mum and that's what he feels is unfair on him. He would rather help her learn how to communicate properly instead of the whole drama that it creates when she just turns up announcing she's living with us.

Opinions? I don't know if I'm right to pull him up on what he said or not. He handled the night she turned up absolutely great. But the minute she wanted to go him he just started what I thought was being quite selfish and like she's a burden.

She's picking him up and throwing him away whenever she feels like it without treating him like a human being.

Telling her that it's not ok to toy with someone's emotions and keep dangling this carrot of living with him/affection and then whipping it away when a something more exciting or a better offer comes up is absolutely essential.

She's a kid still and finding her feet in the world so she gets leeway and a pass in respect of a lot of stuff, but seeing that her treating people like shit will make them feel like shit and will push them to breaking point is a good lesson.

She knows her dad loves her more than anything and his instinct will be to please her and want her to be in his home, and she's using that to manipulate him and emotionally blackmail him.

I think he's right to pull her up. I suppose in an ideal world he would have made it clear that she's always welcome but what's not OK is turning up purely to prove a point to her mum and creating extra work for people such as having to do 70min round trip to take her home at the drop of a hat after having done a 3hr round trip for work already. It's inconsiderate to expect that from someone.

I think you sound like a lovely step mum and it's clear that you are trying to ensure everyone's wellbeing and being considerate of her feelings. I don't think "stay out of it" as per one PP is at all realistic or helpful.

One thing that jumped out at me is that her mum has just had a baby and that you and her dad also have a little one. That's quite a lot to deal with for a teenager. OK so she's 17 now but how old when her mum got pregnant? How old when you got pregnant? When your son was born? It's a lot of upheaval and it would be natural for her to feel displaced on both sides and desperately trying to claim attention for herself. Our teens are some of our most important years and most teenagers can count on their parents' focus at that time, not having to share it with babies demanding round the clock care.

I think she needs some firm boundaries in place but alongside lots of positive attention and quality time with both parents (separately - not suggesting they need to do this together). Difficult now she's older because obviously she wants to be off with her friends but it can be done. Even just going out for pizza or a movie every couple of weeks.

She sounds like a dick. I don’t think your husband was wrong at all.

You’re not exactly wrong, and your DH wasn’t exactly right. Your DSD is a selfish teen so no point analysing that!

Your DH shouldn’t have agreed to take her home that night then told her it wasn’t fair on him, making her feel unwelcome. Fine, he’s right that she’s acting like a selfish madam and it’s not unfair to point that out to her. But he could have just said he wasn’t going to drive her home that night, she’d have to wait until the weekend. That would have been better at both showing her her actions are unfair (drop everything now, dad!) and setting a boundary as a parent.

YABU. At 17 it's time she grew up and stopped acting like a spoilt toddler.

Not much to add OP other than this post got me a bit emotional about what a caring step mum you are.

I agree with this. She's old enough now to be told others' feelings about how she's treating them.

Just wanted to say you sound lovely. If my dc had a stepmum I wish it was someone like you.

I think your DH was right to tell her off. He should have stood his ground and said he would take her when it is convenient for him.

At 17 and pissy with the rules she should be flying the nest not flitting around between family... she needs to grow up and you need to butt out or her parents decision to push her out the nest its not child abandoment shes an aduly.

Shes clearly old enough to think she should be spending the night with boys so old enough to be branching out instead of playing her parents for fools like a spoilt brat.

I agree here. I am with your DH on this.

YABU, it’s not selfish to point out how someone else’s selfish behaviour impacts on others.

It is one thing for DSD to know she is always welcome, but quite another if its only purpose on that particular occasion is to facilitate your DSD disrespecting her mum by flouncing off. Your DH should be telling DSD she’s very welcome to come back and visit as soon as she’s made up with her mother.

Actually I get your point and I agree with you he phrased it selfishly and a 17 year old would have heard fhey are a burden, so I think you are right. He does need to speak to her but he needs do so properly and not whinge it’s not fair

Your DH was right. There was no reason why she couldn't wait until the next day.

This was likely about the boy. She wanted to come so she could invite the boy over. That didn't work out so she wanted to go back to her mums so she could meet the boy there.

Thank you for all the lovely step mum comments!

I think where I see it is this - we don't do nearly enough for dsd. Which is because she's growing up and has her own life and I get it. As I say, she's always welcome at our house, she can come and go as she please but she chooses not too. She has her own bed and storage etc but it always empty as she doesn't like to leave any stuff here but she has always had the option too. But her mum deals with her and her attitude and stress everyday. I just felt like we could of done a bit more really and tried to take it off her mum a bit. We hardly see her now so I just feel her mum deals with absolutely everything and we don't do much at all.

I agree with your husband, based on what you've said here (I realise there's probably a lot more history and context). "It isn't fair on me" (especially repeated multiple times) isn't the best phrasing but he's not saying it's unfair of her to spend as much time as she wants at your house, to come and go as she likes, to stay/move in if she wants to. He's said and shown that he's fine with all of that.

He's saying that it's not fair for her to keep saying she's leaving her mother's for good and moving in with her dad, and then abruptly saying she's moving back to her mother's right this minute. This is also not fair to the rest of the household, even if you don't mind and your son's too young to notice - your SD is old enough to be considerate and respectful of other polite and to have basic manners.

If there's a good bus service that she's used to using and she didn't have any bags with her, it would have been most reasonable for your husband to say she can take the bus home now if she wants, or he can drive her at x time, even if that means tomorrow morning or at the weekend. (BUT as you said he offered to take her home - if she didn't ask him to, he's out of line for saying she "expected" it.)

Overall, it sounds like he's trying to parent his daughter, and it sounds like she could benefit from it even though it's quite a bit late. As long as he's not being abusive and neglectful, and he's making sure she knows she's always welcome in your house, I'd let him get on with it.

She's 17. She's growing up and it is a delicate age. She is having problems with her Mum which is normal at this age and there is a new baby in the house which is very disruptive and quite unusual when you are 17. Just because Mum is great doesn't mean it is all the 17 year old's fault.

While it wasn't that bad I think your DH needs to parent her more effectively and be careful what he says to her. If he won't listen to you the best thing is for you to leave him be to parent her as he wishes but make sure subtley she knows that you are there for her. That doesn't mean putting up with crap completely of course but there are ways to say things. If this hasn't happened repeatedly ie she is not a boomerang then really it is par for the course.

Get her some PJs and toiletries for your house. Make her welcome, ask her to phone ahead and decide by a reasonable hour if she is coming, or if she is going, unless it is an emergency. So that you and DH can rest, have a drink, or go to bed at a decent hour and also have the right food etc in for her and know if she needs a lift to college or whatever the scenario is.

Agree about the boy not coming over. She is testing the boundaries and maybe also seeking affection from him in an unhealthy way partly due to the split family and new baby. Teens do this. I did all sorts of weird and wonderful things when I was 17 and I was considered to be quite sensible.

I get where you're coming from. I think all your DSD would have heard was 'Dad doesn't want me there'.

But that being said, she is being a PITA. And she did need telling. Probably the better thing to have done would have been for your DP to have told her no to coming or no to going back.

He wasn’t moaning about her being with him though, he was moaning at her demanding to go back to get mums NOW when he’d been at work and had no time to himself to spend with his family. That’s the opposite of bad parenting. Presumably he’d have been quite happy to sit and chat to her, have a meal, watch some tv and take her back to her mums the next day or something.

Shes 17 and sounds really immature. I think it would be really good if her mum and your husband could talk and try to come at this from the same page. That’s is, shes welcome at both homes whenever, but playing one against the other will no longer be happening. Hearing that her mum and dad are together on this, with you being supportive of everything they decide, will hopefully make her feel that she can no longer play one off against the other.

You sound lovely though but I think maybe in your want to be a good step mum, you are siding with her too much. Everyone seems pretty reasonable here apart from the daughter who just needs to grow up a bit.

She could be struggling a bit with her mum having a new baby. I’d be kind, let her know you’re all there for her and love her but she’s almost an adult now and you expect her to take other people’s needs into account, like her dad having dinner. In an emergency you’ll jump, but selfish demands at other times won’t be met if there’s a negative consequence for others.

I think it will all work out. It sounds like she’s got 3 adults that all want the best for her and care about family, she just needs to wise up a bit like so many teens do.

You sound lovely.

I agree he should have not said anything but only because her mum suggested she go to him this time.

I love her to pieces but I tend to not speak to her when shes like this. We have a great bond and are very close but I just avoid it all completely.

In that case, you need to leave your husband to parent in the way he feels is right. She sounds like a selfish, spoilt girl (a lot of teenagers are!) and he is right to point out that people have to put themselves out for her tantrums and whims. She’s old enough to understand that other people matter too

I think this is more of a parenting issue - I think type of issue tends to crop up when parent don't communicate and provide a united front. I think the issue here is more about a family unit not communicating effectively. I think DSD is not communicating appropriately because the parents have not set a good example. When issues crop up the parents should be sitting down together rather than solely having one to one conversation with the child. I think the issue was partly caused my mum saying she should move in her with dad. I think mum obviously didn't actually mean it and probably said in anger - she is teaching her daughter this how you communicate in conflict. I think your step-daughter is has probably unconsciously copied this behaviour as she often say she is coming to move in with you when there conflict with mum. In summary this a communication issue - I think is being caused by every party in the family system. So whilst your husband may be correct that DSD is displaying selfish behaviour, he need to own and take responsibility for actions and his part to play in the family discord.

I agree with this too. Also, he wasn’t being selfish to communicate that her behaviour wasn’t fair on him. That’s teaching her to consider how her actions impact other people and to see things from other peoples perspective.

That is a really important lesson in life and from what you’ve written it sounds like she really needs to learn this.

Your dh handled it right. You didn't. Step back and let him continue parenting a teenager which can be hell at the best of times, especially when they play one parent off the other. She needed to be told that enough was enough. She's one year away from being an adult with all the ensuing responsibilities that brings.

All you have done is made your dh feel like shit.

I think OP you’re fully in the right to have mentioned it to him. Things weren’t unfair, it’s just difficult when you have a teen child and they are split between two households.

I think you’re an amazing step mum and have a good perspective on things.

I think DSD needs a safe space like your home when she falls out with her mum. Your DH is wrong to call it “using him” for her to have support when she argues with her mum. That’s what you do as parents of teens.

I don’t agree with pp that falling out with her mum is all her fault or that she is a spoilt brat, etc. Mums and teen daughters often don’t see eye to eye. Her mum has a baby at home too, and that will mean they’re both stressed and tired. Her mum even admitted to you that she overreacted, so it can’t all be on the DSD for causing arguments or them escalating to her needing to come to yours now and then.