To think my Dh was a selfish twat last night?

[bettyfretty]

It's playing on my mind but I can't work out if it's being selfish in what he said or not.

My step daughter is 17. Get on with her mum and family on her mums side great. No issues with co parenting. They did move away - 35 min drive from us a few years back but not caused many issues.

So dsd is 17 now, in college, part time job. She was coming to us every other weekend and extra when she wanted but that's stopped now. She has a key to our house and just comes when she wants too. There's a good bus route for her to come and go as she pleases. Sometimes we don't see her much at all, especially now she has a job and she likes to spend all her free time out with her mates doing god knows what....teenage stuff. Her life is at home with her mum. She has everything there and she's just growing up.

The past year or so she only really comes to us when she feels like she has too but we understand that. We include her in everything we do - or at least ask if she wants to join us on days out etc. When she goes coke to us, she's usually rude, acts like she doesn't want to be here. She recently had her birthday and we tried to amke a huge fuss but ultimately she came for her gifts and then buggered off into town with her mates and didn't come back 😂

There always been an issue where she plays her mum and dad against each other. If she falls out with Dh, she will go crying to her mum and vice versa. She falls out with her mum quite regularly which results in a phone call to Dh announcing that dsd is coming to live with us. It lasts a couple of days and then she goes back to her mum.

It happened again a few days ago. Rang up Dh saying she's had enough and was coming to live with us. She said her mum had had enough of her and told her to come live with us. Turned up at home with her little handbag - no clothes etc. She then asked if she could invite a boy round to the house. Dh was firm and said no, he wanted to sit down and talk about what's happened with her mum and there was no way she could just turn up with a random boy and act like nothings happened.

Spoke to dsds mum who admitted she maybe over reacted herself to dsd but she was fed up of her attitude. She's just had a baby herself so she's tired and I feel for her. I have huge respect for her mum, she's great and tries her best. The attitude of my step daughter is pretty bad at the moment. It has been for some time.

Anyway the next night as per, she starts hinting she wants to go home. Bearing in mind it was late, Dh had been working 1.5 hours away from home so done lots of driving, hadn't been in long or had his tea, he offered to take her home.

But then he said: 'this isn't fair on me all this, you expect me to take you home now. You do this all the time and just expect me to run rings around you, it's not fair on me'

The amount of times he said 'this isn't fair on me' I thought was quite selfish of him. He then said how 2 nights in a row he hadn't spent anytime with our son (who is only young) because she had turned up yet again after a fall out with her mum.

I felt quite bad for her here. If her mums telling her to go live with her dad but then dads making out like she's a burden then my step daughter will surely be feeling a bit shit?

DH drove her home and I pulled him up on it when he got back. I said that DSD is his responsibility too and not just her mums. I also said that while it's meant he hasn't really seen our son for a couple of days, she is his daughter too and she hardly sees him - fair enough it's her choice now (she's always always welcome at our home). He said he didn't mean it in a selfish way, he just meant that he knows dsd doesn't want to or have any intention of living with us. She is just using us when she falls out with her mum and that's what he feels is unfair on him. He would rather help her learn how to communicate properly instead of the whole drama that it creates when she just turns up announcing she's living with us.

Opinions? I don't know if I'm right to pull him up on what he said or not. He handled the night she turned up absolutely great. But the minute she wanted to go him he just started what I thought was being quite selfish and like she's a burden.

I agree. I feel sorry for the step daughter to be honest. All teenage girls can be selfish little madams sometimes, and on top of raging hormones she is also dealing with separated parents who BOTH now have new families. She probably feels like she doesn't really belong in either house any more, and her father's childish, foot stamping outburst will have only reinforced that in her mind. They both acted badly, but she's a fucking child - what's his excuse?

I'm not sure, but you sound great OP!

Could be because to me a minor daughter isn’t “any other person” or comparable to a “cousin, aunt, uncle”. They’re still my babies. I’d do anything for them. Including putting up with typical snotty teen attitude and behaviours because I know it’s a phase, that teen life is not easy, and they grow out of it.

Exactly. It is because she isn't just any other person that this behaviour is tolerated, and she is taking advantage of that. Highly doubt she would be like this with her besties family in their home. Why? Because she knows it would not be appropriate. But then that is also quite typical of teenagers. Absolute terrors at home, and perfect angels in their friends homes. Won't lift a finger to help at home, but spend a weekend helping a friends family clean out their basement and garage.

One of the lessons I tried to teach our kids was that while being family gives a benefit of the doubt, more forgiveness, more tolerance, that in turn means treating family better.

I would die for my kids, but not at their hands.

@samyeagar
One of the lessons I tried to teach our kids was that while being family gives a benefit of the doubt, more forgiveness, more tolerance, that in turn means treating family better.

Wait a second. If you expect better treatment from your teen DC because you are family, then how are you giving them the benefit of more forgiveness and more tolerance? ‘Cause to my mind expecting better treatment is logical being less tolerant and less forgiving?

Both of her parents have new children with their partners, so I imagine she's feeling a bit left out hence some of the behaviour. I think you sound like a lovely step mum and personally think you handled it well. You showed a united front with your DH but pulled him up on it later when she wasn't around. I don't think your DH was wrong, however he definitely could have handled it much better and calmly explained.