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AIBU?

Husband never asks me anything about myself

89 replies

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 22:44

Met my husband two years ago. Married since May. Not had any experience of dating before him.
I love him so much. He’s kind, caring and a good provider financially. We have a lot in common and enjoy the same things. We talk about politics, the news, holidays, future plans and our work.
Last week his best friend who I’ve never met before as he lives in another country, came to visit.
While at dinner he asked me questions about me. My childhood experiences, how I found university, friendships I’ve had, good and bad life experiences, jobs I’ve had.
just seemed to have a genuine interest in my past and the things I’ve experienced and just showed interest in me.
It was actually lovely to have someone ask questions about me and wanting to get to know me.
It made me realise though that my husband has never really asked me anything about myself. I don’t expect an interview but the only thing he’s asked me is about my job, parents job, my degree grades, places I’ve lived but nothing deeper.
Hes never asked anything about my childhood or past life. I’ve experienced tragedy with two siblings dying and he’s never asked me how they died for example.
I was bullied at university and when I opened up about it he just said it was sad and changed the subject.
I feel quite lonely in the marriage.
AIBU? Expecting too much?
Its really hard to explain in a post. But his conversation is quite formal. Like you’d have with a coworker you didn’t know well.
there’s no emotional intimacy at all

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

202 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
12%
You are NOT being unreasonable
88%
Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 22:47

I think you may need to consider that this marriage is not one that will make you happy. Please don't have children when you are clearly doubting whether this is going to work. Your husband may be a nice man, but that doesn't mean he's the man for you.

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 22:50

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 22:47

I think you may need to consider that this marriage is not one that will make you happy. Please don't have children when you are clearly doubting whether this is going to work. Your husband may be a nice man, but that doesn't mean he's the man for you.

Thank you. It’s difficult because in many ways he’s great.
I do think he loves me but never asking anything about me suggests to me a lack of interest in who I am.
Hes not British and I sometimes wonder if it’s a cultural things rather than a character flaw. Or whether I’m too much of a open book/emotional talker.

OP posts:
TheCatsPyjamas1 · 06/10/2022 22:52

Would you feel comfortable telling your husband how you feel?

Doyoumind · 06/10/2022 22:52

It's a character flaw and probably one that will make you more and more unhappy.

How come you met and married so quickly?

TedMullins · 06/10/2022 22:52

you’re not unreasonable to expect that at all but how on earth did you end up married to someone who talks to you like a coworker?

Goingtoqueens · 06/10/2022 22:53

Seems strange you’ve never noticed this before OP.

Cw112 · 06/10/2022 22:53

You need to talk to your husband about how you're feeling. He might feel a bit uneasy with difficult topics and worry about upsetting you etc. It's also easy to start asking those questions politely when you're meeting someone for the first time compared to when you've been together for a while so I wouldn't compare too much. You need to think about what you need from him and then sit down and tell him what you need and what it would look like for you. And ask what he needs too- has he always been quiet maybe more of a noticer or thinker than a talker? Is he generally confident with emotional topics? Part of being married is accepting someone for who they are entirely- he's not going to become a different person overnight but you both need to learn how to meet each others needs and communicate well together.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 06/10/2022 22:53

I'm afraid he's not interested you but the nice thing is that his friend is. Is his friend single?!

luxxlisbon · 06/10/2022 22:54

Genuine question, why did you get married to someone you describe as “like a coworker you don’t know well”??

Germolenequeen · 06/10/2022 22:54

Sounds to me like he could have ASD

Dillydollydingdong · 06/10/2022 22:55

You re happy before the best friend came to stay but now you're dissatisfied. It's really not necessary for your DH to probe into your past. Some people just feel uncomfortable talking about things like that. Have you asked him about the intimate details of HIS past? Did he want to discuss it?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/10/2022 22:55

Trying to be positive - maybe it'll come in time? Two years is still quite new in relationship terms. Well, it is for me. I'm sure lots of people would disagree.

PussInBin20 · 06/10/2022 22:55

Seems like you rushed into the marriage then. Surely you would want your husband to show an interest in you?

TippyToesKnows · 06/10/2022 22:58

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 22:44

Met my husband two years ago. Married since May. Not had any experience of dating before him.
I love him so much. He’s kind, caring and a good provider financially. We have a lot in common and enjoy the same things. We talk about politics, the news, holidays, future plans and our work.
Last week his best friend who I’ve never met before as he lives in another country, came to visit.
While at dinner he asked me questions about me. My childhood experiences, how I found university, friendships I’ve had, good and bad life experiences, jobs I’ve had.
just seemed to have a genuine interest in my past and the things I’ve experienced and just showed interest in me.
It was actually lovely to have someone ask questions about me and wanting to get to know me.
It made me realise though that my husband has never really asked me anything about myself. I don’t expect an interview but the only thing he’s asked me is about my job, parents job, my degree grades, places I’ve lived but nothing deeper.
Hes never asked anything about my childhood or past life. I’ve experienced tragedy with two siblings dying and he’s never asked me how they died for example.
I was bullied at university and when I opened up about it he just said it was sad and changed the subject.
I feel quite lonely in the marriage.
AIBU? Expecting too much?
Its really hard to explain in a post. But his conversation is quite formal. Like you’d have with a coworker you didn’t know well.
there’s no emotional intimacy at all

Before everyone jumps on your DH for not showing interest, let's circle back to "I love him so much, he's kind, caring etc". In what ways is he caring? Perhaps he just doesn't know how to communicate these things - would he be open to hearing your concerns about this?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/10/2022 23:01

Yes, like Tippy says, if he is kind, maybe he'll respond to suggestions from you: "I'd love it if you..."

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:02

Dillydollydingdong · 06/10/2022 22:55

You re happy before the best friend came to stay but now you're dissatisfied. It's really not necessary for your DH to probe into your past. Some people just feel uncomfortable talking about things like that. Have you asked him about the intimate details of HIS past? Did he want to discuss it?

Yes I have and after some time he did open up and confided in some things from his past. His Mother died when he was 12 and he discussed him finding out she died. Yet he never followed that with how my siblings died or how it made me feel or affected me.
I’ve asked him a few questions about his childhood etc but he doesn’t seem to like talking to much about his past.

OP posts:
Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:07

TippyToesKnows · 06/10/2022 22:58

Before everyone jumps on your DH for not showing interest, let's circle back to "I love him so much, he's kind, caring etc". In what ways is he caring? Perhaps he just doesn't know how to communicate these things - would he be open to hearing your concerns about this?

He’s so kind. Does little acts that shows he cares all the time. For example today he drove the long way home to pick up some chocolate cake as I hadn’t been able to make one due to my arm hurting from having bloods taken yesterday.
Hes very faithful. Genuinely dont believe he’d ever cheat.
He works really hard and always encourages me in my work.
He will always help around the house.
He always treats me with kindness and patience.
overall he’s a good guy and cares for me through his actions.

OP posts:
Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:08

luxxlisbon · 06/10/2022 22:54

Genuine question, why did you get married to someone you describe as “like a coworker you don’t know well”??

Lack of experience of dating and not knowing his communication style was an issue.

OP posts:
Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:09

Doyoumind · 06/10/2022 22:52

It's a character flaw and probably one that will make you more and more unhappy.

How come you met and married so quickly?

I think two years is quite long from first meeting to marriage.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/10/2022 23:12

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:09

I think two years is quite long from first meeting to marriage.

It sounded more like a year and a half from your OP.

Do you volunteer information about yourself? If you kept on talking about one of these subjects, would he listen or become uncomfortable? Does he remember stuff you've said later on?

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 23:15

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/10/2022 23:12

It sounded more like a year and a half from your OP.

Do you volunteer information about yourself? If you kept on talking about one of these subjects, would he listen or become uncomfortable? Does he remember stuff you've said later on?

He seems uncomfortable and any attempt to open up about my past results in him commenting ‘cheer up, doesn’t matter now, you’re doing well now’.
im not sure how much he takes in.

OP posts:
Worthyornot · 06/10/2022 23:15

Seems like it's something to do with his mum dying when he was very, very young? That might cause someone to emotionally shut down if he hasn't worked through the grief of it. He doesn't sound like a bad person at all from what you describe.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/10/2022 23:17

I think two years from meeting to marriage is not long at all. I would say that was a very quick marriage. You have two siblings that have died and he has never asked how they died? I think that is very odd, if a colleague told me that I would have to know more, just because I’d be genuinely interested. You should tell him how lovely it was to talk to his friend and how flattered you were when he seemed so interested.

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 06/10/2022 23:30

What's his relationship history like? To me, if he's not interested in you as an individual and unique human being, he may just have wanted to find a suitable woman (from good stock and with a decent education - hence the questions re family and education) to fill the wife shaped hole in his life. Is he a lot older than you?

The cake example sounds a bit odd too. Why do you see it as such a loving gesture that he bought a cake rather than you bake one? Did you really want to bake a cake or did he expect you to bake one?

But then you say you talk about your work and future plans, so maybe he's just not interested in deeper conversations.

Germolenequeen · 07/10/2022 00:02

I'm going to repeat - sounds like ASD - please read up - will really help if it is

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