Husband never asks me anything about myself

[Treacle1989]

Met my husband two years ago. Married since May. Not had any experience of dating before him.
I love him so much. He’s kind, caring and a good provider financially. We have a lot in common and enjoy the same things. We talk about politics, the news, holidays, future plans and our work.
Last week his best friend who I’ve never met before as he lives in another country, came to visit.
While at dinner he asked me questions about me. My childhood experiences, how I found university, friendships I’ve had, good and bad life experiences, jobs I’ve had.
just seemed to have a genuine interest in my past and the things I’ve experienced and just showed interest in me.
It was actually lovely to have someone ask questions about me and wanting to get to know me.
It made me realise though that my husband has never really asked me anything about myself. I don’t expect an interview but the only thing he’s asked me is about my job, parents job, my degree grades, places I’ve lived but nothing deeper.
Hes never asked anything about my childhood or past life. I’ve experienced tragedy with two siblings dying and he’s never asked me how they died for example.
I was bullied at university and when I opened up about it he just said it was sad and changed the subject.
I feel quite lonely in the marriage.
AIBU? Expecting too much?
Its really hard to explain in a post. But his conversation is quite formal. Like you’d have with a coworker you didn’t know well.
there’s no emotional intimacy at all

Why? I have an asd dd who would ask a million questions but an asd boyfriend who doesn't even ask me back the questions I ask him.

Ah - I hadn't realised we were playing ASD Top Trumps. I'm autistic, and so are both my DC and my mum - do I win? And no, it's not a reasonable question. When somebody posts here about their DH being uncaring or cold or grumpy or unreasonable, it's usually a very short time before some fucking armchair psychiatrists turn up and start diagnosing people on the internet with ASD. Can't you see how offensive that is? Cold/uncaring/unfeeling = wanker. He might also have ASD, of course, but being a massive wanker wasn't part of the diagnostics criteria last time I checked.

I'm really surprised that this is even regarded as some personality issue. I don't agree with the view. Like I said in my previous post, my husband is the same and I can completely relate to how OP might feel. However, I've found out that it's just his personality.

I have a different point of view to other posters. I'd like to start from OP. I'd like to ask if OP is midly in low mood occasionally? Because I'm the same and I wanted my husband wanted to ask me more about how I felt and my childhood memories. I just wanted to talk more about myself and I wanted for my husband to understand my mood more.

A lot of people I've become close to since I grew up, actually are't interested in my past whether they're female or male friends. I don't think this is exceptional in relationship. Some people and actually a lot of people, just aren't interested in someone's past and I don't think it's a personality issue. It's so easy to make a normal person to be abnormal on the internet. It's dangerous to make a judgement based on just one short post as the majority of people in the world are not abnormal.

Hmm, tricky. I think you need to have an honest conversation where you tell him you'd like to talk a bit more openly about deeper things sometimes. You should say it's really important to you. Often out on a walk or driving is a good time, not in bed or over dinner. If he doesn't respond well to that then he has shown you that he doesn't want to or can't.

My DH is rubbish at anything deep and meaningful and I had doubts we were well suited at first. But I know I have his rock solid trust and support, that he would protect me and fight for me whatever happened. I've had previous relationships where we has deep meaningful conversations but I never felt there was a solidity to the relationship.

I asked you this upthread and you chose not to answer. I’ll ask again: Does he ask you about your present?

I just wanted to talk more about myself and I wanted for my husband to understand my mood more.

This is pretty much the bare minimum in any healthy relationship. Your desire for it is and was totally reasonable.

How often is he going to need to defend you in a fight, though? What is the substance of a relationship in which you cannot have meaningful conversations with your partner?

I don't mean literally in a fist fight. I mean he'd stick up for me/support me/have my back/put himself out for me. I also mean fight in the sense that he would want to make it work if we had problems (my last BF let me leave without any attempt at persuasion). I agree, I miss not having many meaningful conversations. It's my main source of sadness in life.

My DH is like this. He also lost a parent very young. And the way the surviving parent dealt with that was so weird. They packed DH off on holiday to a relative's house, and didn't even tell him his dad was dying. Even when he got home, they made a family friend break the news. Really weird.

DH cares about all of us but he doesn't show it through words. Sometimes, during emotional conversations, his attempts to change the subject are almost laughable. He once pointed out if the window and said, "Is that a bird?" 😯

I just make him talk about important things. I don't tiptoe around. He's lovely to talk to about big things when he finally, finally talks. But sometimes it's like pulling teeth. He's really shy, too. We are chalk and cheese.

No, he doesn't ask about my present either. I also feel lonely in our relationship as OP does. I wasn't happy at the beginnig however I've come to terms with our difference. He's kind and polite but has a selective empathy. He doesn't have any personality issue as far as I've noticed. It's just a perdonality difference.

Have you ever addressed this with him?

And are you willing to live with that for the rest of your life? It doesn’t sound…joyous, I guess. I understand that life isn’t all rainbows and candy floss, but the idea of you just being resigned to being lonely in this way makes me feel so sad for you. I apologise if that’s me overstepping (as you haven’t asked for advice).

And I do consider limited or selective empathy to be a personality issue. Particularly in one’s partner.

I’m very sorry.

Talking and taking an interest yes, but sitting around questioning each other and telling your life story, like the OP experienced with the DH's friend, is first dates stuff. After a few years of of course you talk but that exact experience is over.

The OP (and other posters) don’t seem to get the talking or taking an interest, either.

Totally agree with this, not everyone likes to have these 'discussions', more like an interrogation. I know that today's fad is constant talking about one's feelings etc. but there are still many people who don't, we were married for over 50 years and eventually knew pretty much everything about each other but I don't think we actually sat down to exchange details, sounds like an exam to me! It was much nicer to let things come out natually over the years and even now I know there were things about me he never knew!

Can I ask where he is from? As I just had the same realisation about my husband and he is also not British

Sounds like ASD. I dated a man just like this- kind and would do anything for me but simply unable to grasp emotions. He never once asked me anything about myself. We are good friends now and he's still the same. He readily admits he's most likely ASD.