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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband never asks me anything about myself

91 replies

Treacle1989 · 06/10/2022 22:44

Met my husband two years ago. Married since May. Not had any experience of dating before him.
I love him so much. He’s kind, caring and a good provider financially. We have a lot in common and enjoy the same things. We talk about politics, the news, holidays, future plans and our work.
Last week his best friend who I’ve never met before as he lives in another country, came to visit.
While at dinner he asked me questions about me. My childhood experiences, how I found university, friendships I’ve had, good and bad life experiences, jobs I’ve had.
just seemed to have a genuine interest in my past and the things I’ve experienced and just showed interest in me.
It was actually lovely to have someone ask questions about me and wanting to get to know me.
It made me realise though that my husband has never really asked me anything about myself. I don’t expect an interview but the only thing he’s asked me is about my job, parents job, my degree grades, places I’ve lived but nothing deeper.
Hes never asked anything about my childhood or past life. I’ve experienced tragedy with two siblings dying and he’s never asked me how they died for example.
I was bullied at university and when I opened up about it he just said it was sad and changed the subject.
I feel quite lonely in the marriage.
AIBU? Expecting too much?
Its really hard to explain in a post. But his conversation is quite formal. Like you’d have with a coworker you didn’t know well.
there’s no emotional intimacy at all

OP posts:
WorrieaboutFIL · 07/10/2022 07:28

He sounds like a good person, and while not perfect (who is). Some people who are great at talking can also be manipulative, I've experienced. Don't think the grass is greener necessarily.

Youremyshininglight · 07/10/2022 07:33

Also, if you want to build on more intimate/personal conversation areas could you ask questions of him, but ones that focus on the present and future. It must have been horrific losing your mum at a young age. Relationships grow and change and take work. If he's interested in you now, I'd try not to worry about him wanting all the details of your past.

whatshouldIdo2022 · 07/10/2022 07:43

My DP is like this. He comes from a family where communication isn't normal, his parents also never ask me anything and they also never ask him anything, they barely know what he does for a job. I also suspect my DP has some degree of ASD as does his dad. He says that it just doesn't occur to him to ask and that he wouldn't know what to ask. He struggles quite a bit forming connections with others because he doesn't ask them anything in conversation and they think he's rude or cold. He has got better over the years but he still wouldn't start a conversation about my past, all the info he knows about that I've volunteered. He's kind of had to learn how to hold a conversation as an adult and we've had frequent talks about how it comes across to others if a conversation is very one sided. How is your DH with others?

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 07/10/2022 07:51

whatshouldIdo2022 · 07/10/2022 07:43

My DP is like this. He comes from a family where communication isn't normal, his parents also never ask me anything and they also never ask him anything, they barely know what he does for a job. I also suspect my DP has some degree of ASD as does his dad. He says that it just doesn't occur to him to ask and that he wouldn't know what to ask. He struggles quite a bit forming connections with others because he doesn't ask them anything in conversation and they think he's rude or cold. He has got better over the years but he still wouldn't start a conversation about my past, all the info he knows about that I've volunteered. He's kind of had to learn how to hold a conversation as an adult and we've had frequent talks about how it comes across to others if a conversation is very one sided. How is your DH with others?

My STBEXH husband was like this and I felt very lonely in our marriage. It started to trickle down to his interactions with our children. Our marriage has recently ended - I will never form a relationship with another man who didn't ask how my day was again

Tsort · 07/10/2022 08:00

whatshouldIdo2022 · 07/10/2022 07:43

My DP is like this. He comes from a family where communication isn't normal, his parents also never ask me anything and they also never ask him anything, they barely know what he does for a job. I also suspect my DP has some degree of ASD as does his dad. He says that it just doesn't occur to him to ask and that he wouldn't know what to ask. He struggles quite a bit forming connections with others because he doesn't ask them anything in conversation and they think he's rude or cold. He has got better over the years but he still wouldn't start a conversation about my past, all the info he knows about that I've volunteered. He's kind of had to learn how to hold a conversation as an adult and we've had frequent talks about how it comes across to others if a conversation is very one sided. How is your DH with others?

Why did you marry someone who didn’t ask you questions and couldn’t (at the time) hold a conversation? How did it happen?

Pansypotter123 · 07/10/2022 08:04

Hes very faithful. Genuinely dont believe he’d ever cheat.

And so he should be. Fidelity within marriage should be a given; it's not done yardstick by which a marriage should be measured.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 07/10/2022 08:09

@Tsort

I ask myself this but looking back I don't think I really noticed - early 20s in love etc? I was definitely the "talker" in our marriage - come from a family that talked about everything and anything, I can hold a conversation with anyone and everyone no matter who they are. It was only in recent years that I noticed that he never really asked about me - and I guess I stopped volunteering information to make conversation because I was tired of doing it for the both of us like everything else in our marriage

Tsort · 07/10/2022 08:23

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 07/10/2022 08:09

@Tsort

I ask myself this but looking back I don't think I really noticed - early 20s in love etc? I was definitely the "talker" in our marriage - come from a family that talked about everything and anything, I can hold a conversation with anyone and everyone no matter who they are. It was only in recent years that I noticed that he never really asked about me - and I guess I stopped volunteering information to make conversation because I was tired of doing it for the both of us like everything else in our marriage

Ah, I can see how that could happen. ☹️

whatshouldIdo2022 · 07/10/2022 08:23

Oh he asks how my day was etc, what I've been doing, how this and that went. He just never asks about things like where I've previously lived, past jobs, places I've been..but its not that he doesn't know these things because I've spoken about them when asking him similar questions. I'm a right chatterbox and I think I didn't really notice to be honest for a number of years that I was doing all the enquiring and deeper conversation starting.

whatshouldIdo2022 · 07/10/2022 08:25

Pretty much exactly as @aanotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled describes!

Fireflygal · 07/10/2022 08:35

Not had any experience of dating before him

Was he your first boyfriend?

It sounds as if he has a transactional approach to relationships rather than on an emotional level. If he doesn't need emotional support he may feel it's unnecessary for anyone.

Do you connect physically?

Surreality22 · 07/10/2022 08:46

Sounds like my husband who is on the spectrum, we're separating sadly but it's for the best.

jeffbezoz · 07/10/2022 08:50

Grass isn't always greener...

FrozenGhost · 07/10/2022 08:53

I think once you've been in a relationship for two years plus, the time for sitting at dinner questioning each other and listening, fascinated, has passed, that's for the first few dates really. After a few years it's more that you volunteer things you want to talk about. That's not necessarily bad, it's just the way it is.

So you can't really compare time with a friend who is spending one evening with you. Talking to someone new who seems interested in you feels like such a blast and a breath of fresh air, but that's only because they are new.

Thats why its good to keep up your friendships and meet new people, so you can have that experience, and have the stability and love of your relationship as well.

Mardyface · 07/10/2022 08:58

I think this is fixable with time and practice -or it might be depending on why he's like this - but it just depends if you think it's worth the time and practice. My H was similar. I don't remember a time when I suddenly realised he didn't ask about me but he is much less interested in the 'story' of people generally, whereas that stuff is my lifeblood quite honestly. However I've gradually chipped away and asked him lots of questions and told him my stories without him asking and got to know his family which gives me background.

That's over many years though. Emotional intimacy isn't the same thing to everyone and doesn't come quickly. In our case it works because I often need someone who is less emotionally reactive than I am just to keep living without falling in a sobbing heap at the misery of the world and he has learned that it helps him to talk about stuff sometimes. Yours will be different. Start by thinking about the ways the relationship is working for you (not what he's like but how the interaction between you works) and then if that's enough for you to start the hard task of forming that emotionally intimate relationship with him. No judgement on you either way.

Tsort · 07/10/2022 09:10

FrozenGhost · 07/10/2022 08:53

I think once you've been in a relationship for two years plus, the time for sitting at dinner questioning each other and listening, fascinated, has passed, that's for the first few dates really. After a few years it's more that you volunteer things you want to talk about. That's not necessarily bad, it's just the way it is.

So you can't really compare time with a friend who is spending one evening with you. Talking to someone new who seems interested in you feels like such a blast and a breath of fresh air, but that's only because they are new.

Thats why its good to keep up your friendships and meet new people, so you can have that experience, and have the stability and love of your relationship as well.

I’ve been with my husband for considerably more than two years and we still ask each other questions and take an interest in each other’s lives and thoughts. We talk to each other and I think he’s really interesting and funny, I assume he feels the same about me. I don’t really understand what a relationship would comprise of you removed that. Just…sitting there? Watching telly and occasionally having sex?

whoamI00 · 07/10/2022 09:37

My husband is the same and I felt just like you in the beginning. What I've rea

Herejustforthisone · 07/10/2022 09:37

It’s a bit concerning that inside two years you have met someone and already been married to them for five months, especially as you have never dated anyone before.

Are you 33 as your username attests?

You sound very naive OP.

whoamI00 · 07/10/2022 09:39

What I've realised is that he's living in the present . He does talk a lot about his past though. But I don't care because I see it that my past doesn't matter to me and he likes me the way I am now lol He's just not interested in someone's past including mine.

Tsort · 07/10/2022 09:43

whoamI00 · 07/10/2022 09:39

What I've realised is that he's living in the present . He does talk a lot about his past though. But I don't care because I see it that my past doesn't matter to me and he likes me the way I am now lol He's just not interested in someone's past including mine.

Does he ask you about your present?

DixonD · 07/10/2022 09:43

Germolenequeen · 07/10/2022 00:02

I'm going to repeat - sounds like ASD - please read up - will really help if it is

Perhaps, but not necessarily.

I’m just like your husband OP. And don’t have ASD.

There was a lot of emotional turmoil in my childhood and it’s difficult to talk about potentially emotional stuff with anyone.

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/10/2022 09:48

Hmmm. Could be a sign of future domestic abuse. DP was like this - always doing nice things but very focused in talking about himself. A few weeks after DC1 was born, he took to yelling at me .it is very confusing because he still does the nice little things but he is an abuser. Hope your DH is not the same.

mjf981 · 07/10/2022 09:54

I think you can work on this. Sounds like he is a good guy, and has many good points, so I would work at it. Talk to him. Ask him to ask about your past, life etc as it would make you feel more emotionally connected etc. Its probably partly a cultural difference between the two of you, as you have identified.

KimberleyClark · 07/10/2022 10:00

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/10/2022 09:48

Hmmm. Could be a sign of future domestic abuse. DP was like this - always doing nice things but very focused in talking about himself. A few weeks after DC1 was born, he took to yelling at me .it is very confusing because he still does the nice little things but he is an abuser. Hope your DH is not the same.

The OP has not indicated her husband talks about himself a lot, rather the opposite. He seems reluctant to do so.

starray · 07/10/2022 10:01

Errm...what did you see in him? I'm not impressed by ANYONE who doesn't ask questions let alone my life partner! It's part of the art of conversation...otherwise it may as well be a monologue.