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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'The wife'

167 replies

Cigent · 06/10/2022 15:18

As in men referring to their girlfriends as 'the wife'.

I have a friend whose boyfriend does it like of the time - 'date night with the wife', 'being spoiled by the wife', 'the wife's just at the bar'. It drives me crackers. They're not even married!

AIBU? I don't know why it winds me up so much but it really does.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 06/10/2022 21:16

I find things like this only bother me if it's someone I'm not that keen on to begin with. I've got a high tolerance otherwise.

Teenagelament · 06/10/2022 22:21

I can't stand men calling their partners 'Doris'

BigFatLiar · 06/10/2022 22:26

Teenagelament · 06/10/2022 22:21

I can't stand men calling their partners 'Doris'

I wouldn't like him calling me Doris, he knows my name why would he call me Dorris.

momager1 · 06/10/2022 22:30

I am married for a very long time. I have heard him on the phone a FEW times referring to me as "the wife" as in.. not sure what the wife is doing that weekend..will check with her..or sorry I think the wife has already made plans. I AM the wife ..lol.

momager1 · 06/10/2022 22:35

sorry...posted too soon. I AM his wife.. but it is only used rarely by him .. most times he just says...let me ask myname regardless it does not bother me. As for unmarried couples saying the wife...the husband.. who am I to judge. they may be together a very long time and consider themselves husband and wife because some just do not believe that a pc of paper makes them married.

BBBBMushroom · 06/10/2022 22:40

The wife makes it sound like she is an appliance a bit like the hoover or the toaster.

That’s just my take seems a bit 1970’s shit stand up comedian to me,

Original poster
Cigent · 07/10/2022 13:31

BBBBMushroom · 06/10/2022 22:40

The wife makes it sound like she is an appliance a bit like the hoover or the toaster.

That’s just my take seems a bit 1970’s shit stand up comedian to me,

Yep, that's exactly what it makes her sound like.

OP posts:
NovemberRain2 · 07/10/2022 19:53

pigsDOfly · 06/10/2022 17:55

Yes, oddly enough I'm aware she's not his wife.

Partner sounds more like they're in a business relationship. It's also a very vague term. People call themselves 'partners' when they're not even living together, you see it a lot on here.

Show quote history

Yes but she is literally not his wife either. They've not taken vows nor signed anything. That may not mean anything to them, and that's of course their choice. But unless they get married, she is not his wife.

NovemberRain2 · 07/10/2022 19:54

SussexRoyal · 06/10/2022 17:56

Whilst I agree some terms of endearment are cringeworthy, I don’t see how married people have exclusive rights to the ‘in-law’ terminology. I call my partner’s parents my in-laws because it’s easier. What would you prefer we say when we have children together and have been together years?

"John's mum" or "Charlotte's granny"

In law means exactly that..... there is a legal relationship!

Fatballs · 07/10/2022 19:57

Hideous. “The husband” is just as bad.

”The car” not so much.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 07/10/2022 20:03

Yes. It's the 'the'. Awful.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:03

My husband calls me The Wife, and has since long before we actually got married.

I'm SO glad it legitimately upsets so many people this much. How funny.

Original poster
Cigent · 08/10/2022 15:20

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:03

My husband calls me The Wife, and has since long before we actually got married.

I'm SO glad it legitimately upsets so many people this much. How funny.

It's so weird.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2022 16:50

Cigent · 08/10/2022 15:20

It's so weird.

Show quote history

Any weirder than making a whole thread to insult people who do something differently to you?

Hearthnhome · 08/10/2022 16:55

VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2022 16:50

Any weirder than making a whole thread to insult people who do something differently to you?

Show quote history

Have to say I agree with this.

I have never been able to work out why people get so wound up about this stuff when it doesn’t personally impact them

Original poster
Cigent · 08/10/2022 23:57

VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2022 16:50

Any weirder than making a whole thread to insult people who do something differently to you?

Show quote history

Much weirder, yes.

OP posts:
StupidSmallFruit · 09/10/2022 00:24

Odd how defensive people get.

If you love being referred to as The Wife, why would you care that other people think it’s weird?

PrincessButtercupToo · 09/10/2022 00:27

It’s from Middle English, meaning “woman”, and “the” is thought by many who use it to be better than “my” as it doesn’t imply ownership.

I think that anyone who’s decided that it’s objectionable is being a little ignorant about cultures other than their own.

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2022 00:29

Cigent · 06/10/2022 15:41

Yes this. Why do they do it? If they want wives and sister in laws then get married. If they don't want to get married then why do they want to talk about their wife and in laws?

Honestly winds me right up.

Show quote history

It's a mix, I understand your frustrations but what seems logical is not always .

donquixotedelamancha · 09/10/2022 00:33

My wife refers to her husband as Dobby. People in happy, stable relationships often have teasing nicknames for each other.

That's not to say that it isn't used by some men who take their wives for granted but YABU to think any one turn of phrase tells you deep things about someone's character.

Deadringer · 09/10/2022 00:41

It's 'me mot' round my way. There was a columnist in our local newspaper who always referred to her fiancé as 'the Beyonce', it always gave me the rage.

TheVillageShop · 09/10/2022 01:22

I haven't read the whole thread but get the gist. It's not very nice, sounds a bit disrespectful and very 1970's working men's club.

But I want to put this into perspective. Recently my terminally ill husband (of 45 years) and I managed to get out to a restaurant recently with old friends. My DH was on good form for a little while, and to see him bantering with the waitress (our age, not a young girl), in a jokey way he referred to me as 'the wife', as in 'but I'm with the wife'. It brought tears to my eyes to see him joking like that, a hint of his sparkling younger self. He's never called me that before, and I doubt I'll ever hear it again. But I smiled when he said it, happy to be 'the wife'. Before very long I will be a widow.

HeddaGarbeld · 09/10/2022 02:00

donquixotedelamancha · 09/10/2022 00:33

My wife refers to her husband as Dobby. People in happy, stable relationships often have teasing nicknames for each other.

That's not to say that it isn't used by some men who take their wives for granted but YABU to think any one turn of phrase tells you deep things about someone's character.

My wife refers to her husband as Dobby…

So you mean she refers to YOU as Dobby @donquixotedelamancha ?

Or are you a woman in a three-way marriage?

RightsHoarder · 09/10/2022 02:03

Wife is easier sometimes - we've been together 15 years and sometimes we use husband or wife as partner sounds weird.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/10/2022 08:03

So you mean she refers to YOU as Dobby
**
Yes.

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