To go on holiday without DC’s

[pitersanset]

Looking for other peoples opinions really, I have a DS from a previous relationship, he's 17, I also have a 9 yo with current partner so they're not exactly small children.

Partner wants us to go away for a few days (Thursday-Monday morn/afternoon), to somewhere in the uk, they'll be at college and school most of the time except the weekend. DS1 is sort of sensible but he does have ADHD, they get along fairly well although do have the odd bicker here and there. BIL doesn't live that fair away and has said they can go to his for their dinner but it isn't possible for them to stay due to space etc.

WIBU?

and I bet if I posted “to leave my 9yo with my 17 yo DD” responses would be a lot different. He'll be 2 months off being 18, AN ADULT, at age 16 he was babysitting his much younger cousin (about 18 months) until midnight sometimes so he had to get her ready for bed and make her a bottle etc, and he did that fine.

A recently suicidal 17 year old with ADHD who is "sort of ok" but wouldn't be confident staying in the house by himself

Exactly this but OP says they're still going. Awful parenting decision OP

And as for the 'I had a baby at 17'. Yes you had a baby, your baby who you chose to have a look after and wasn't 9 until you were well in to your 20s. 9 year olds can be impulsive dick heads and it's not fair for the 17 year old to have to take responsibility for that

So why did you ask OP? You're being unreasonable. You could have your little one looked after by your mum but you're not.

You could see if he can sleep at BILs but you won't (who doesn't have enough floor space for a 9 year old on a roll mat?)

You could go for less time but you won't.

You could take him with you but you won't.

You could choose to do any of these things to ensure the youngest feels and is properly looked after but you won't.

You could make sure DS1 doesn't have the pressure of 5 days of keeping his little brother who he bickers with, safe. But you won't.

Selfish, all for a dirty weekend away. Ugh

Have one night dinner & hotel and stay no more than hour or two away.

It's enough isn't it? You don't need a 4 night stay away, other parents feel your want for this break but understand situations mean it's not always possible.

It's not about age! It's about ability. It's about maturity. It's about responsibility. If you were confident about this, you wouldn't have asked. Being 18 or close to 18 doesn't cancel out any issues he has with his mental health or ADHD. Do you know how he would cope in an emergency? Would he know how to handle your son getting hurt? Can he cope with changes in routine? Does he cook for himself normally? Can he assess risk? I'm a 40yo woman with ADHD. I've had 4 kitchen fires over the past 10 years. 4! Because my ADHD makes my memory and concentration shocking. Being 18 or close to 18 means nothing.

And honestly you make out it super easy caring for a 9 year old with ADHD, a hot dinner from someone and he can mostly sort himself out. This is really not my experience!

A 17 yo who has been suicidal, has ADHD and mental health issues for 3 nights with the responsibility of a 9 year old - DD or DS doesnt matter.

Although your 9 year old sounds far more grown up than any 9 year old I know (and I have one so I know a lot)

The question is why does it have to be Thursday to Monday without a child?

One night I think would be fine - and maybe start with one night build it up so both are comfortable

And you can't see that there is a difference between babysitting a child for the evening when their parents are returning at midnight to being responsible for a 9 year old for 4 days?

Nothing wrong with going away but you can't leave the 9 yo with a 17 yo. It's not fair on either.

@pitersanset why have you even asked? Clearly you’ve made up your mind. Have fun, hope the kids are ok 😕

I don't know why you asked, you've made your mind up.

In your childrens current circumstances it would be completely irresponsible.

Ahhh I love it when the op says aibu? everyone says yes, op says I'm not though!

No, you can't leave the 9yo without a responsible adult.

I reckon she’s going to though!

There's a reason why the law is so ambiguous about the age at which you can leave children, which is that it so much depends on the children, andalso on the relationship between them. None of us know them, so nobody here can give a definitive answer, only suggest things to think about.

Your 9 year old might find it very unsettling if anything goes wrong - even if it's something very benign that the older one can easily handle, the little one may panic because they don't know that!

Does your smoke alarm wake them? Apparently teenage boys are not always roused - that might be worth checking!

When we were 17/15/12/9, my parents left the older three, but the 9 year old went to stay with someone.

There is a lot of probablies and maybes in your arrangements OP. Can’t eldest DS dad help out if other relatives can’t ?

I think it would be fine. Like you say they’re not babies anymore. Ones an adult. We did this and spent the whole weekend commenting on how the kids would love this, how they’d enjoy that etc. came away thinking wtf did we do pre kids?

Read the thread properly then post stupid emojis

Op why have you asked.you’ve made up your mind and are arguing anyone with the different view.

A 17 year old with adhd who isn’t comfortable being at home by themselves?? So if you didn’t have a 9yo you couldn’t leave the 17yo?! Hell no. Plus the adhd and a teenager- what if he leaves the stove on? The shower on and it floods?the front door open? Your 9yo needs someone to look after them. 9yos are children. No one in your family sounds responsible including your mum.

If you're confident your older son will be ok to look after his younger brother then there's no need to ask for anyone's opinion.

Personally I wouldn't do it but if you think it will be OK then go for it.

17 and 9 year olds vary so much OP, there is no point in asking the opinions of strangers who don't know them. I'd have left my 17 year old DD with her 9 year old brother, but that would be my judgement based on their personality and maturity. What do other people who know them think? Though I tend to think if you're unsure it's probably best not to as you're unsure for a reason.

Which ones the adult? The 17 year old with ADHD, MH issues and who wouldn't want to be left home alone?

It doesn't matter if you DS1 feels his grandmother favours DS2 or not;that's a terrible excuse;DS17 is not responsible enough to look after your other DS for the weekend.

For your DS's own well-being and safety he should go to your mums;your DS17 should be capable to look after himself with your BIL checking in.

And if your 17 year old's MH is so precarious that he cannot cope with being alone for 4 days, or even at your mum's with his brother - then you don't go.

Not sure what's so special about a 13 year anniversary anyway .