To go on holiday without DC’s

[pitersanset]

Looking for other peoples opinions really, I have a DS from a previous relationship, he's 17, I also have a 9 yo with current partner so they're not exactly small children.

Partner wants us to go away for a few days (Thursday-Monday morn/afternoon), to somewhere in the uk, they'll be at college and school most of the time except the weekend. DS1 is sort of sensible but he does have ADHD, they get along fairly well although do have the odd bicker here and there. BIL doesn't live that fair away and has said they can go to his for their dinner but it isn't possible for them to stay due to space etc.

WIBU?

The ideal situation would be 9 yr old goes to your mum. 17 yr old has house to himself- happy days! Would he want to go to your mum’s at that age?

Sounds like a chaotic weekend for the 9yo being picked up a d dropped off her there and everywhere and back and forwards to uncles for dinner.

I don't think he'd want to be home alone without DS2, but if DS2 did stay with my mum I doubt she'd even let DS1 even if he wanted too.

i just wouldn’t do that with a 9yo. They can’t be responsible for themselves- getting ready for school, getting to school, homework, clothes, are they supposed to get themselves ready and to the club on Saturday? While ds1 is at football? I couldn’t. Great ds1 wants to help but he’s 17- is he that responsible? It doesn’t sound like he’s being responsible, and it’s not that mature of him to not understand why 9yo is at his grandmas even though he doesn’t want to stay there.
full disclosure - I did this at 19. I was a very responsible 19, I was clearly designated as fully responsible for everyone, there was zero heading off to my own activities and leaving siblings alone, I cooked / delegated cooking (there were teen siblings as well as 9yo) etc, my parents gave me power of attorney while they were away. It wasn’t just 9yo will manage, there will be someone else in the house most of the time.

I can't believe you are even considering this. Leaving a 9 year old in the care of a 17 year old for 4 nights ? If it was one night in an emergency, may be.

It doesn't even sound as if the extended family members who will be around for them are truly supportive, given the issues with your mum and BIL saying they can go to his for a meal but not stay over . What happens if all doesn't go to plan?

It's not unreasonable in itself to holiday without your DC as long as you have proper plans for their care that everyone is happy with- but this sounds really horrible . Even down to your DP saying he doesn't want the DC there .

I would leave them yes. At 17 I’m sure they can look after their sibling for a few days

Yes, DS1 is responsible. DS2 can get himself ready for the club and BIL or SIL will drop him off, and DS1 might not be at football it depends if the team are playing at home or not.

You can't leave a 9 year old with a 17 year old. How bloody irresponsible!!

OP, a week ago you were posting that your 17-year-old has poor mental health and talking about killing himself. How can you seriously consider him responsible and mature enough to be left alone, let alone left in charge of a 9-year-old child. It's clear you want to go on holiday, but you can not just say "it'll be fine" and have it be fine. You need to make other arrangements.

DP doesn't want the DC’s there as it's for our anniversary, we went away as a family for easter and abroad in the summer, so it's not like they've not been on holiday at all! For those of you saying 9 yo needs an adult to look after him, DS1 is 18 in a couple of months so I don't see how it makes much difference. And yes, DS1 did say he wanted to kill himself as he was outed about his sexuality, he's seen that no ones really bothered so he's now fine.

I don’t really know what you want everyone to say. I think most people think it’s not a good idea but you see determined to argue your case. But some part of you must be unsure as you posted here about it.

BTW you seem very matter of fact that your mum openly favours one son over the other. Why would you accept that behaviour from her?

Yes, I’m sure he is completely over it now.
Are you actually for real?

A responsible 17 year old is more than capable of taking care of a well behaved 9 year old for a few nights, especially with support nearby in an emergency

While most 17 year olds are capable, it doesn't mean it's an easy job. I would think that many 9 year olds are less likely to do what they're told if an older sibling is telling them what to do, rather than a parent, or even a baby sitter. The dynamic between siblings is usually much more difficult than between parent/child.

Also, I don't know of many 17 year olds who would give up their weekend to look after a sibling, unless you paid them (and probably not even then!)

It's too much to ask of a 17 year old, in my opinion. Send the 9 year old to his grandparents, if possible, and the 17 year old can stay home alone.

You asked...
It's a pretty unanimous 'nope'
So why ask if you have already decided?
I wouldn't do it and I have three sons. And the only time I did do it I was being a selfish cow and only thinking of my need for a Jump.... was an overnight too. I regret it.
There will be other times.

Have people missed that the OP said the 17 year old is “ sort of sensible” and has ADHD ?
Now we are told he has MH problems .
Clearly you have made up your mind to go but it really isn’t a great idea. You will have other anniversaries .

"I don't think he'd want to be home alone without DS2"

He's not even confident enough to be home alone without his 9 year old brother but you're happy for the 9 year old to be home alone if his brother goes to football?

He's been suicidal, has adhd, is "sort of ok". Your mum who doesn't like him would be making them dinner without you there...what could possibly go wrong?

Just why? If you go away then you should have your son stay with BIL who is going to do all the leg work anyway.

But then the 17 year old is a problem isn't he, since he won't stay home alone.

My 9 yo wouldn't be home alone at all. My mum wouldn't be making their dinner, BIL would.

So why would DS2 need to "get himself ready for the club"?

There's no way you're going to put the kids first. It would be simple, you just have DS2 stay at your Mums or BILs.

It would mean the 17 year old overcoming his not feeling confident to be home alone though

Of course OP can go 🤦🏼‍♀️ a 17 year old is perfectly capable of looking after a sibling for a few days

It's not about favourites, it's about who needs childcare!

"Of course OP can go 🤦🏼‍♀️ a 17 year old is perfectly capable of looking after a sibling for a few days"

A recently suicidal 17 year old with ADHD who is "sort of ok" but wouldn't be confident staying in the house by himself?

Not sure why I'd want to put pressure on him if he was my 17 year old. Nor would I leave my 9 year old with him for 5 days when alternative childcare options were available. Interesting that you would though @Youcancallmeirrelevant

It won't be until next month, so I do think DS1 will be fine by then as he seems to be now. He was only suicidal due to being outed, before that his mental health was better and he was much happier. It isn't possible for DS2 to stay elsewhere, so we will be going as I trust DS1 and BIL and other family members will be around.

I bet if the OP had posted "Is it ok if I leave my 9-year-old son with his 17-year-old mentally ill brother with learning difficulties (to keep him company as he doesn't like to be on his own) while I go on holiday?" the responses would be a lot different.

It's not only making breakfast though is it. It's getting him ready for school, taking him there, making sure he is ok overnight, that clothes are clean, dishes are washed, football clubs are attended safely, making sure 9yo showers. Think you're being selfish. Wait until 17yo moves out and send 9yo to grandparents.

(Thursday-Monday morn/afternoon), to somewhere in the uk, they'll be at college and school most of the time except the weekend.

The weekend is a HUGE part of this though to leave a 17 year old who recently was suicidal, has ADHD and struggles with a 9 year old for you to celebrate your anniversary.

Your Mum doesnt like your oldest so will only have your youngest and your BIL is cooking dinner.

There is a fair amount that could go wrong.

Why does it have to be so long - cant you just do one night.