To find it rude to be asked "...are they all yours?"

hooperstar · 2022-10-05T12:32:01+00:00

Just like the subject says really. I find it offensive when people ask my partner this but he doesn't. I have two older kids from a previous relationship (10 and 12) and we have an 8mo together.

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/10/2022 13:33

So three kids?

how often has he actually been asked if “all yours”?

MarianneVos · 05/10/2022 13:35

Well they aren't. :)

Thatiswild · 05/10/2022 13:35

Are you asked the same question? I bet you aren’t, so yanbu. Saying that I am sometimes asked that when I have my 4 with me, so maybe you are asked too!

coffeeandpoetry · 05/10/2022 13:36

Well it's likely that with a 10 year age gap the kids aren't all his so that's what people will assume

If he's not offended, then why are you? Do you want to pretend that they are all his, and you're annoyed at people ruining the facade for you?

CrystalCoco · 05/10/2022 13:37

Yes it's a bit rude because it's nobody's business whether they are or not 'all his'

People are making the (correct) assumption but no need to be nosy and voice the actual question.

PuttingDownRoots · 05/10/2022 13:39

I get asked this when I have nieces as well as my daughters. It is just above biologically possible (or the two middle ones are mistaken for twins!)

Its a difficult thing as you can't presume these days whether the carer is the (biological) parent or not.

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 13:44

What is it you find offensive?

SheWoreYellow · 05/10/2022 13:44

It’s a bit nosey. One of those things you wonder but don’t say aloud.

SpinningFloppa · 05/10/2022 13:46

I have 4 kids and often get asked if they are all mine, I do think it’s a bit rude but I don’t let it bother me.

TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 13:47

It’s shockingly rude, YANBU at all.

DH gets asked this too, or used to. 9 year gap between eldest and youngest. The older two actually aren’t his biologically but he has PR for them (well, did, they are both adults now) and raised them from toddlerhood so he always used to just hard stare and say yes they are, why?

It’s rude and no one’s business. Obviously friends and family know anyway so this is literal strangers asking. Bizarre.

Original poster

hooperstar · 05/10/2022 13:49

I think what gets to me about it is that it's really no ones business, I wouldn't dream of asking someone I'd just met this and it is always people we've just met. I'm also quite a private person so it annoys me somewhat when he just offers this information up. It just feels so judgey and I can't understand what people get out of asking it.

OP posts:

GrabMyParaplu · 05/10/2022 13:54

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Ponoka7 · 05/10/2022 13:55

If they are around the children it's better to ask the adult instead of having the awkwardness of calling him Dad to the child.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/10/2022 13:56

I get asked did you actually give birth to them all?
I have 10+

xxmyheartxx · 05/10/2022 13:57

I have 6 children and get asked this alot along with do they have the same dad? People are then shocked when I say we have being together since we were 18 and married 17 years! Some people are just nosey/rude depending on how you look at it

Pixiedust1234 · 05/10/2022 14:01

Why are you offended on another person's behalf especially when they are not offended. You need to do some hard thinking over that because its not normal.

Its a large and unusual age gap so yeah they are being curious and nosy but it could also be a conversation starter. Some people like having chitchat with others. It used to be the normal way we bonded as a community and as a society as a whole.

Whats triggering you so much you can't stand anybody talking to your dh?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/10/2022 14:03

Well, you could be looking after nieces, nephews, friends ...

Tootels · 05/10/2022 14:05

I think with a big age gap people assume you're onto a second relationship.

honeylulu · 05/10/2022 14:13

I don't think it's rude. People just curious about a big age gap. Our kids (2) are 10 years apart and look nothing like each other. Son looks very like me and is quite olive skinned (not like either parent). Daughter has her dad's colouring and looks nothing like me. On holiday recently we got asked several times if they were "both ours " as I can see why it would look like we had brought one each to a second marriage. It wouldn't bother me either way.

ReeDeeHee · 05/10/2022 14:14

Well, yes it's rude, so I agree with you but I wouldn't be too annoyed about it.

Hadjab · 05/10/2022 14:25

I had this from a co-worker once. She asked me if all of my kids had the same dad. I asked her why she thought they wouldn't have - she couldn't answer

notacooldad · 05/10/2022 14:28

*I think what gets to me about it is that it's really no ones business, I wouldn't dream of asking someone I'd just met this and it is always people we've just met. I'm also quite a private person so it annoys me somewhat when he just offers this information up. It just feels so judgey and I can't understand what people get out of asking it.

You could say that most things arent really anyone's business and if we were all like that no one would talk about anything? Have you never asked an inane question just to fill in gaps in silence or were curious about something?
I don't think it is rude at all, to me it is just a convo starter.

I have been asked if I am still with my kid's dad ( yes, 30+ years together_
I have been asked if my 2 sons have the same father ( yes, again)
I have been asked if DH is the father of my kids ( still yes)

Are people asking to wait to judge me? Maybe, maybe not, but it is not a big deal. What is their judgement going to do anyway? Nothing!!

Ilovedthe70s · 05/10/2022 14:40

I’ve got six kids and used to get asked this all the time when they were young. Never really occurred to me people may have been being rude, I used to just assume it was something to say.
As I have grandparents from four different continents my kids do look like a bit of a random bunch to be truthful though

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 05/10/2022 14:44

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/10/2022 13:56

I get asked did you actually give birth to them all?
I have 10+

Oooh, bet Christmases are fab in your house!

@hooperstar YANBU. It's rude. Like my friend who is 100% full blooded Italian. She has a husband who is fair skinned, blue eyed, and blonde. Their little girl looks like him. She has lost count of the amount of times someone has said/assumed she is not her mother. So rude!

Snoken · 05/10/2022 14:48

notacooldad · 05/10/2022 14:28

*I think what gets to me about it is that it's really no ones business, I wouldn't dream of asking someone I'd just met this and it is always people we've just met. I'm also quite a private person so it annoys me somewhat when he just offers this information up. It just feels so judgey and I can't understand what people get out of asking it.

You could say that most things arent really anyone's business and if we were all like that no one would talk about anything? Have you never asked an inane question just to fill in gaps in silence or were curious about something?
I don't think it is rude at all, to me it is just a convo starter.

I have been asked if I am still with my kid's dad ( yes, 30+ years together_
I have been asked if my 2 sons have the same father ( yes, again)
I have been asked if DH is the father of my kids ( still yes)

Are people asking to wait to judge me? Maybe, maybe not, but it is not a big deal. What is their judgement going to do anyway? Nothing!!

Yes I agree. What will we be allowed to talk about? Nothing at all that could have any kind of connection to who we actually are it seems.

Why is it a problem that someone asks are they yours OP? What is it that you think is being insinuated? Is it that you are feeling self conscious about having children with more than one man, and that is why you are offended? Seems strange 2022.