Page 3 | To find it rude to be asked "...are they all yours?"

hooperstar · 2022-10-05T12:32:01+00:00

Just like the subject says really. I find it offensive when people ask my partner this but he doesn't. I have two older kids from a previous relationship (10 and 12) and we have an 8mo together.

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 16:58

Usually followed by 'you don't look old enough to have 3 kids'.

You could answer "and you don't look young enough not to have 18 great-grandchildren" if remotely applicable 😈or "...to still be alive" if you want to lose friends and have to run away fast!

Happens to me ALL the time, they think they are so original. I usually - not always - give a banal answer; what they don't know is that I am judging their intelligence as the words come out of their mouth😆

SleeplessInEngland · 07/10/2022 16:59

YABVU

Kite22 · 07/10/2022 17:01

Pixiedust1234 · 05/10/2022 14:01

Why are you offended on another person's behalf especially when they are not offended. You need to do some hard thinking over that because its not normal.

Its a large and unusual age gap so yeah they are being curious and nosy but it could also be a conversation starter. Some people like having chitchat with others. It used to be the normal way we bonded as a community and as a society as a whole.

Whats triggering you so much you can't stand anybody talking to your dh?

This

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 17:02

Even worse is when people ask “have they got different dads?”

Awful.

Strangely, even though there are some notable age gaps and they don't look very alike, no-one has ever asked me this that I recall. And they do have different Dads...

People are too bothered though trying to work out if I was really 8 when I had my firstborn (or according to some wag the other day, -2) without appearing to be too rude🙃

Should've gone to Specsavers (them, not me).

Stressfordays · 07/10/2022 17:07

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 17:02

Even worse is when people ask “have they got different dads?”

Awful.

Strangely, even though there are some notable age gaps and they don't look very alike, no-one has ever asked me this that I recall. And they do have different Dads...

People are too bothered though trying to work out if I was really 8 when I had my firstborn (or according to some wag the other day, -2) without appearing to be too rude🙃

Should've gone to Specsavers (them, not me).

Mine are 5 years between oldest and youngest and look like peas in a pod. And I'm mid-30s lol. I usually respond to the ages question with 'thanks... I guess' and the Dad one 'yeah, can't you tell??'

CheezePleeze · 07/10/2022 17:11

I can't understand why you find it offensive OP.

Ok so it's none of their business but nor are most things really that involve chit chat with folks you don't really know 🤷‍♀️

Gensola · 07/10/2022 17:13

@Doingprettywellthanks no they’d say “are they all yours” or “do they all have the same dad” and then I’d be singled out by my parents having to say no, Gen has a different dad or she’s not his. I hated it!

NCFT0922 · 07/10/2022 17:13

But they aren’t all his…

Its because of the massive age gap.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 07/10/2022 17:14

I’m guessing you find it offensive as you feel like they are judging you for having kids by different fathers.

You partner probably isn’t bothered as he only has a child by you.

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/10/2022 17:16

Gensola · 07/10/2022 17:13

@Doingprettywellthanks no they’d say “are they all yours” or “do they all have the same dad” and then I’d be singled out by my parents having to say no, Gen has a different dad or she’s not his. I hated it!

Presumably taking to a stranger so should have said said “yep all ours”. Especially as you regarded your step father as indeed your father and presumably he regarded you as his daughter

NCFT0922 · 07/10/2022 17:17

@Gensola why did it bother you? You knew he wasn’t your dad so what’s the issue? If you’d been led to believe he was and people pointed it out, fair enough, but I don’t understand why this bothers you? Surely the only thing that matters is how you felt about him?

lickenchugget · 07/10/2022 17:18

Gensola · 07/10/2022 17:13

@Doingprettywellthanks no they’d say “are they all yours” or “do they all have the same dad” and then I’d be singled out by my parents having to say no, Gen has a different dad or she’s not his. I hated it!

Why did they say this, if he raised you as your Dad?

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 07/10/2022 17:25

Not rude because they're not his. For people to ask it might be obvious.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 07/10/2022 17:26

I was glad when my mum told people my step dad wasn't my dad, even though I had no alternative. Couldn't stand him since I was toddler.

Hillrunning · 07/10/2022 17:29

The only reason I'd mind someone asking is if I thought it might upset the children.

georgarina · 07/10/2022 17:42

You could say that most things arent really anyone's business and if we were all like that no one would talk about anything? Have you never asked an inane question just to fill in gaps in silence or were curious about something?

Exactly. Really don't get the obsession with finding everything rude or offensive. I swear some people on MN must find the world a very upsetting place!

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 08/10/2022 21:40

I have four DCs. I am frequently asked a range of questions. The most common being 'Do they all have the same father?'. (!!)

The other thing people tell me is 'you must like children'. (They stopped saying this when I began replying 'No, I just like drunken, irresponsible sex'.)

Ange211 · 10/10/2022 16:16

I often wonder if people think this about my family: 2 kids big age gap same dad but I’ve never actually been asked. I think it’s rude & I probably would be a bit miffed too op

NCFT0922 · 10/10/2022 17:33

@withaspongeandarustyspanner hahahha love that response! I’ve never had any comments on my 4, apart from the ones stating how alike they are all. I will save this one incase I ever need it in future 😂

J0y · 10/10/2022 17:40

@Gensola I get why it bothered you.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/10/2022 18:17

...but they're right. Why do you have a child with him if you think it's unacceptable to have children with different fathers?

I get asked the gap between mine because they are close in age. And then I usually get, "you've got your hands full!" It's just people making conversation.

AutumnalCosyness · 10/10/2022 18:59

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/10/2022 13:56

I get asked did you actually give birth to them all?
I have 10+

Why the +?
Are you not sure how many you have?

lljkk · 10/10/2022 19:09

"It just feels so judgey"

because... because... you would judge? That's the only reason YOU would ask? So you're projecting because that's what you would think. Because... You like to judge people? That's why you can't imagine any other reason to ask? You reckon that's the only reason to know about their lives? I mean, it's a helluva leap. If they ask where you bought the dress you're wearing or if you live local or when is the next bus coming ... are they also judging something bad about you? How can you be sure they aren't assuming the worst about you based on your answers to those questions... unless you don't hold prejudices about the narrow set of possibly acceptable answers to those types of questions, I suppose.

HappyHappyHermit · 10/10/2022 19:19

Its a bit nosey but not especially rude. It's really common for couples with children from previous relationships to have a together baby a fair bit after the others.

lessthanathirdofanacre · 10/10/2022 19:38

It's quite rude IMO.

However, it could have been worse. A friend of mine has a teenage daughter and a 2-year-old son. Someone once asked her, "Which one was the mistake?" That was incredibly rude, worse than the question asked in the OP.