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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it rude to be asked "...are they all yours?"

78 replies

hooperstar · 05/10/2022 13:32

Just like the subject says really. I find it offensive when people ask my partner this but he doesn't. I have two older kids from a previous relationship (10 and 12) and we have an 8mo together.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 05/10/2022 14:49

I think it's rude of them, yes. YANBU.

lavendermouse · 05/10/2022 14:52

All the time. I have 5. One is a bit fairer haired than the rest and someone has actually said, even that one and pointed to her. Yes even that one. 🙄 My DH has also been asked on multiple occasions if all his children are with the same woman.
I do find it rather rude.

TaylorsSwimShorts · 05/10/2022 14:53

I have 7 and a bonus son, I get asked if all the time but I think what people really want to know is if they are my birth kids, so I just say 7 I gave birth too and one is a bonus.. I just assumed they're surprised as 8 is quite a few kids to have, I've never taken it as rude..

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/10/2022 14:53

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/10/2022 13:56

I get asked did you actually give birth to them all?
I have 10+

Did you lose count?

FarmerRefuted · 05/10/2022 15:16

YANBU and it is rude.

I have four DC. I've been asked things like "are they all yours?" and "do they all have the same dad?" and "were they all planned?" and "that'll be you finished then?" and "how many did you really want?"

All of these questions can be filed under "none of your business".

mishmased · 05/10/2022 16:18

My older two have 2.5 years between them and look nothing like each other. I have been asked if they have the same father by strangers. Most recently I was asked in a shop if they are related. Until recently in school with the exception of both sets of classmates, teachers and principal, people assumed they are cousins.

Waitingfordecember · 05/10/2022 16:41

I think it’s a potentially upsetting question, especially if the children overhear.

There are children in my family who see their stepfather as their dad and would be upset to think people could spot that they weren’t actually related… that might not be what’s actually happening, but when it’s already a touchy subject it’s easy for people to read more into people’s words.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 16:44

Is it because the older ones don't look like him?

Dingdong90 · 07/10/2022 15:52

I find it funny tbh....I was out with my two daughters (10+4 at the time) two nieces (6+4) and my nephew in his buggy and someone asked if they were all mine 😂 I said I would probably have a lot more grey hair if they all belonged to me 😂

Tinner01 · 07/10/2022 16:25

well they aren’t all his so what’s the problem

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/10/2022 16:33

Tinner01 · 07/10/2022 16:25

well they aren’t all his so what’s the problem

Exactly

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of

just the odd nosy person or trying to start up a chat. No biggie

lickenchugget · 07/10/2022 16:36

So they aren’t all his?

People will ask this when there looks to be large age gaps, I got asked this a lot when out with SDC (8,10) and DC when they were a baby.

Not sure why you’re offended, it’s your life. No need to be embarrassed?

BlueRibbonPen · 07/10/2022 16:36

I’ve been asked this about my nieces…

serenghetti2011 · 07/10/2022 16:38

Not rude just say no I picked this one up in Tesco
I have 4 and I don’t think I’ve been asked and if was I’d just be light of it or laugh and smile and think the person needs to get a life. None of my boys really look alike, 10 years gap between eldest and youngest. Some people just enjoy being offended I mean not like it’s 9 kids plus 😂

Gensola · 07/10/2022 16:39

I was the step child in this scenario and I absolutely hated it when adults would come over to my parents and ask that. It made me feel really uncomfortable and constantly reminded me that I was different from my younger siblings. My dad got together with my mum when I was a few months old and he raised me, he’s my dad! He gave me away at my wedding, he brought me to uni, he picked me up late at night when I was a teenager. Why do people need to know, I wouldn’t dream of asking someone whether their children were biological or adopted or if they used egg donors, it’s none of my business 😵‍💫

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/10/2022 16:41

Gensola · 07/10/2022 16:39

I was the step child in this scenario and I absolutely hated it when adults would come over to my parents and ask that. It made me feel really uncomfortable and constantly reminded me that I was different from my younger siblings. My dad got together with my mum when I was a few months old and he raised me, he’s my dad! He gave me away at my wedding, he brought me to uni, he picked me up late at night when I was a teenager. Why do people need to know, I wouldn’t dream of asking someone whether their children were biological or adopted or if they used egg donors, it’s none of my business 😵‍💫

Why were you asked?

large family?
big age gap?

Quincythequince · 07/10/2022 16:45

I get asked if my three are all mine.
They are - gave birth to the lot of them (not that that’s just what makes a parent of course).

My youngest has his dad’s colouring - olive skin, brown hair and eyes and my eldest two look a lot more like each other, and have my fair colouring, so as brothers one is definitely not like the others.

I just shrug 🤷🏼‍♀️ - who really cares!

Gensola · 07/10/2022 16:46

no, there’s only 3 years between me and my sister and then 2 between her and my brother, 3 years between him and my youngest sister. Maybe because there were 4 of us? That wasn’t very unusual where I grew up though (Ireland).
I have no idea why people ask, I think it’s a totally vacuous question and mainly just nosy. I can’t think of any reasonable need to ask it as a random acquaintance.

Stressfordays · 07/10/2022 16:52

I have 3 and get the 'are they all yours?' Comment. Usually followed by 'you don't look old enough to have 3 kids'. The first part I don't find rude, the 2nd part riles me though. And my particular hate is 'do they have the same dad?' Eugh.

yoyo1234 · 07/10/2022 16:53

I have a large age gap between my DC. I have been asked if the same father ( I was a bit 🤔as it came from someone in a pharmacy handing out pregnancy medication....).

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 16:54

Very rude. But society does love to ask women all sorts of intrusive questions and expect a people-pleasing answer rather than one notch down from a big F U and mind your own business.

J0y · 07/10/2022 16:56

The truth is that they are not all his.
Don't act weird about it!

GrannieD · 07/10/2022 16:56

Even worse is when people ask “have they got different dads?” Nosey fuckers !

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/10/2022 16:56

Gensola · 07/10/2022 16:46

no, there’s only 3 years between me and my sister and then 2 between her and my brother, 3 years between him and my youngest sister. Maybe because there were 4 of us? That wasn’t very unusual where I grew up though (Ireland).
I have no idea why people ask, I think it’s a totally vacuous question and mainly just nosy. I can’t think of any reasonable need to ask it as a random acquaintance.

Odd that you were singled out then… normal size family, normal age gap… and people would come up and pointedly ask?

J0y · 07/10/2022 16:57

GrannieD · 07/10/2022 16:56

Even worse is when people ask “have they got different dads?” Nosey fuckers !

I was asked this. I said "yes, do yours?"
She looked offended!

😅