Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Major Public Schools

115 replies

Izwizi · 05/10/2022 12:16

I myself went to a major public school (Cheltenham Ladies) and haven’t chosen to do the same for my own children for various reasons.

my SIL, who can be a bit highly strung, has two sons who currently attend a nice state primary. She has announced that she’ll be sending them to the (big name) boys public school about 15 minutes away. I have. A lot of experience with this school and I do not think her boys are the right fit. They are lovely boys who I adore but I don’t think they’d cope there. My SIL has hit the roof. IL’s tend to pander to her a bit and Have suggested to her that I was unreasonable in my advice.

DH and IL’s attended a good Grammar school and I just don’t think she appreciates how robust they’ll need to be to jump straight from a cosy village state primary to a major public school. Happy to be corrected if people feel I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:

XelaM · 05/10/2022 18:40

RIPQueen · 05/10/2022 18:30

I attended a “major” public school and I don’t really understand how you can have such a different opinion/experience of it to me! Certainly can’t understand you advising your SIL like this. I don’t think the social fit is as important as the academic fit tbh, because social disparity is, for the most part, a good thing. Having a child who can’t keep up and feels stupid isn’t, but that’s what common entrance should determine (and why common entrance tutors should be discouraged). There will be imbalances re money/power at the local comp too - are you saying that works for you because it’s in your nephews favour, as those who have “more”?

This.

My brother attended school with kids who had extreme wealth and one of his school friends is from a European Royal family. No one cared that my parents were very ordinary working middle class and he's still close friends with his mates from school now. Academic fit is what is really valued at those schools.

surreygirl1987 · 05/10/2022 18:41

Yes they are bright but they will be eaten alive there.

You know that for a fact, do you? As someone who has spent many years teaching in the independent sector, you honestly don't know. It is arrogant to assume that she hasn't done her research and I'm sure if she wanted advice from you she'd have asked for it. I imagine she feels patronised. And just because you went to CLC, it does not make you an expert on major public schools...!

VladmirsPoutine · 05/10/2022 18:49

Can someone describe to me what sort of boys would fit with the idea of a grand public school? Like essentially mini Boris Johnsons and David Camerons? Or is it more a case that some of the boys spend half term surfing in Hawaii whilst others are lucky to go to Skegness?

RIPQueen · 05/10/2022 18:53

VladmirsPoutine · 05/10/2022 18:49

My brothers were children of divorce in a fairly standard house and sometimes no summer holidays. Some of their friends holiday’d in Mustique and had country estates. Real mixture!

Blaggertyjibbet · 05/10/2022 19:05

AloysiusBear · 05/10/2022 13:16

There are lovely schools in abundance that would be perfect for them.

Honestly, the (unconscious) implication here is that her boys aren't good enough for this school.

Not robust enough, not rich enough, not sporty enough.

Schools welcome and benefit from variety. Maybe all those rich robust boys will gain from all having to be tolerant of different personality types.

Its really none if your business. The fact that you think your own attendance at Cheltenham (vs your SiLs academic background) is in any way relevant to your ability to judge a school speaks volumes.

Yes, this.

latetothefisting · 05/10/2022 19:22

You still haven't clarified OP - did SIL generally "share her intention?" to the family (your 16:08 post) or "ask [your] opinion" specifically (your 12:08 post).
Very different things!

snowleveret · 05/10/2022 19:22

Surely the parents and the school itself are the best judges of whether the school is a good fit for the boys. OP your arrogance and lack of manners are really not a good advert for Cheltenham, for all its exclusivity.

snowleveret · 05/10/2022 19:32

I also studied alongside extremely wealthy students at a very prestigious academic establishment. My background was more modest but I was one of the most academic and that carried much more kudos than wealth.

Palmfrond · 05/10/2022 20:24

snowleveret · 05/10/2022 19:32

Let me guess, this was a university, not a school for children, which is what this topic is about?

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/10/2022 20:44

I can understand your reservations and they are not without foundation: a close friend of mine (from a normal middle class background) went to one of these schools and was absolutely miserable, failed her A Levels and had a breakdown. Your SIL should give this very serious thought and it’s not clear she has.

But there is also a whiff of “stay in your lane” in your post. It’s hard to know if your motives are genuine or not. I do think you need to tread very carefully in order not to create the impression that you think she’s got ahead of herself.

You can’t know for sure how these boys will cope (or not) and as others have said, the admissions process may well weed them out. But surely better for them to try (and possibly fail) than have their chances arbitrarily ruled out because someone who isn’t totally unbiased deemed them not to be quite comme il faut.

I would stay out of it. Describe your experiences there is it’s relevant but don’t try to sway her.

snowleveret · 05/10/2022 20:46

Both school and university, although the wealth at university was probably even more extreme. The school was very academic and you were much more likely not to fit in properly if you weren't up to their high academic standards.

XelaM · 05/10/2022 21:00

If she wants them to have a chance she needs to look up the entrance pre-fest now. I'm pretty sure they test in Year 6. I think other posters have mentioned this as well. They might never pass the assessment. Then the decision would have been made for them. If they pass both the assessments and the interview, they might surprise you and really fit in.

Original poster

Izwizi · 05/10/2022 22:10

latetothefisting · 05/10/2022 19:22

You still haven't clarified OP - did SIL generally "share her intention?" to the family (your 16:08 post) or "ask [your] opinion" specifically (your 12:08 post).
Very different things!

She explicitly asked for my opinion. To be clear: “what do you think?”. Well I told her what I thought.

OP posts:

notdaddycool · 05/10/2022 22:12

Do they not need two years at Oreo from 11-13, that might smooth the way.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2022 22:46

"What do you think?"
...is not an invitation to say what you think.

It's an invitation to make positive noises, non committal but still positive noises if you think it's a bad idea.

Above all, when someone's children are part of the topic, it's an invitation to be tactful while making your very general and vaguely positive remarks which focus on the qualities of the school, not the children.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5