Major Public Schools

[Izwizi]

I myself went to a major public school (Cheltenham Ladies) and haven’t chosen to do the same for my own children for various reasons.

my SIL, who can be a bit highly strung, has two sons who currently attend a nice state primary. She has announced that she’ll be sending them to the (big name) boys public school about 15 minutes away. I have. A lot of experience with this school and I do not think her boys are the right fit. They are lovely boys who I adore but I don’t think they’d cope there. My SIL has hit the roof. IL’s tend to pander to her a bit and Have suggested to her that I was unreasonable in my advice.

DH and IL’s attended a good Grammar school and I just don’t think she appreciates how robust they’ll need to be to jump straight from a cosy village state primary to a major public school. Happy to be corrected if people feel I’m being unreasonable?

[Meadowbreeze]

@NoddyGoesToToyland OP has said numerous times that it's this specific school that's the issue, not other boarding schools.

[Palmfrond]

@PlentyOFool In truth I mostly enjoyed it, but I had a pretty peculiar upbringing in general so I can’t really measure it against a convenient “what might have been”.

[NoddyGoesToToyland]

Why not name the school and get a current parents view? Eton is absolutely fine and takes every sort of boy, Radley the same, Winchester is fine too. The only thing they will need to be is reasonably clever or at least clever at maths as the standard required is high.

[XelaM]

Aren't entrance exams cams for Eton in Year 6? Could be wrong as don't have a bot, but I always thought that there is a pre-test they have to do in Year 6

[XelaM]

entrance exams*

[XelaM]

boy*

argh I need to re-read before I post 🤦‍♀️

[randomsabreuse]

I didn't go to a major public school, second tier girls' school for me but totally agree you need to find the right school for your children, which would not necessarily be the biggest name they can get into.

My school made lots of doctors for whatever reason, most were daughters of middle class professionals, who blatantly won't be able to afford the same for their own kids...

I did interviews/exams for 3 on paper similar schools and that was the one where the vibe fit.

I'd be very careful what type of child I'd send to Millfield from my experiences with friends from sport. Some thrive, some are eaten by it, and it's not so much something the school could change as a combination of the selected personality types creating excessive perfectionism in some people. I'd consider sending my son (calm, stubborn, quite lackadaisical but will definitely push back) but not my daughter who is ultra competitive, perfectionist and a bit scared of making mistakes (working on that)...

Maybe your sister should take it as a compliment that you don't see her kids growing up to be utter arseholes...

[Palmfrond]

@NoddyGoesToToyland “Name changed. I suspect that as usual people are happily commenting when they either have no direct experience of big public schools or their experience is 10 or more years out of date.


I went to state school as did my DH“

And lo, here you are happily commenting on something you have zero experience of!
Your experience as a parent is not the same as that of the child. Having gone to a “major public school” myself, albeit more than 10 years ago, I’m sure that many of the charmless goings on within the school have changed completely. What I believe OPs concern is that there would be a mismatch in home life/background etc, and I don’t see how that has changed. It’s possible that students are kinder and more considerate these days, but there is no way of getting round the fact if your kid has friend who at 17 years old has the keys to his parents empty 4 bedroom Georgian “pied a terre” in Holland Park they could be wonderful friends, but there will be a power dynamic there that works in favour of the kid with all the stuff, holidays, cars, houses, bla bla bla.
Its always the case with all kids that they will come from different backgrounds, but it’s a matter of degree.
Having had this experience myself, I can’t pretend that it didn’t effect me and perhaps effects me still, which is why I want my kids to go to school with kids who are where they’re from, irrespective of probably quite trifling differences in class or economic background.

[Kissingfrogs25]

Also girls at Cheltenham Ladies are off the scale in terms of academic ability, so that may be colouring your view but most other big public schools have a wide cross section of ability and talent.

[Jjones8]

This is absolutely none of your business!!

[Izwizi]

@Palmfrond

@NoddyGoesToToyland “Name changed. I suspect that as usual people are happily commenting when they either have no direct experience of big public schools or their experience is 10 or more years out of date.


I went to state school as did my DH“

And lo, here you are happily commenting on something you have zero experience of!
Your experience as a parent is not the same as that of the child. Having gone to a “major public school” myself, albeit more than 10 years ago, I’m sure that many of the charmless goings on within the school have changed completely. What I believe OPs concern is that there would be a mismatch in home life/background etc, and I don’t see how that has changed. It’s possible that students are kinder and more considerate these days, but there is no way of getting round the fact if your kid has friend who at 17 years old has the keys to his parents empty 4 bedroom Georgian “pied a terre” in Holland Park they could be wonderful friends, but there will be a power dynamic there that works in favour of the kid with all the stuff, holidays, cars, houses, bla bla bla.
Its always the case with all kids that they will come from different backgrounds, but it’s a matter of degree.
Having had this experience myself, I can’t pretend that it didn’t effect me and perhaps effects me still, which is why I want my kids to go to school with kids who are where they’re from, irrespective of probably quite trifling differences in class or economic background.

You’ve articulated my feelings really well. I expected that this would ruffle a few feathers on here and rightly so. I’m not a kid anymore but I used to BE a kid and things don’t change that much 😉 ultimately, there is one thing I notice in all children irrespective of background or circumstances: they usually just want to ‘fit in’. My SIL and her DH do very well but sending their child to a school like this will very much stretch them. They will need to give up numerous ‘nice to haves’ in order to achieve it.
i didn’t tell her that they’d be ‘eaten alive’ rather that these kinds of schools are culturally vastly different. It would be irresponsible to withhold this opinion.
incidentally I think they perhaps wouldn’t get a place. No reflection on their character or anything else but as PP’s have mentioned upthread, they know which pupils will thrive and which are less likely to do so. This is just another reason why I don’t think it’s healthy for her to be obsessing over this school to the detriment of her children.
Some posters have implied that there is jealousy at play on my part - quite the contrary. I won’t be sending my children to a major when the time comes - I loved school but I would prefer for my children to have a more ‘well rounded experience’. No disrespect intended, as I said, I loved my time at CLC.

[Izwizi]

@Jjones8

This is absolutely none of your business!!

Let me reverse the statement: your SIL shares her intention to make a very important decision without any experience of said intention. You think she could benefit from learning a little more about what it entails in practice and encourage her to not focus on the beautiful building and the more glamorous uniform. Really? You wouldn’t suggest that she considers other places?? Strange dynamic.

[FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb]

They are her kids. Were you asked directly for your opinion? If so, the are bu to take offence. If nit, you were unwise to give it.
Not your kids, not your money.

[Blueeyedgirl21]

Millfield is absolutely rife with bullying I’ve heard

I live up north and everyone goes to day schools but there’s a big boarding school (Stonyhurst) about 30 mins away if people in our village decide to send their kids there every one is like ‘oooohhhh ‘ like the aliens of toy story

op basically you won’t change your SILs mind but hopefully your nephews will find their tribe

[ehb102]

Knowing several men of differing ages who have been sent to public school and been damaged by it, no, you're not being unreasonable.

[Mouriv]

Isn't this all just hypothetical at the moment?

Most public schools conduct their entrance process in Year 6 (with pretests and interviews) or Year 7 (with exams and interviews). The earliest they would be offered conditional places after interview is Feb-March of Year 6, so at this point your nephews can't possibly even have places at the school in question.

In my (personal) experience, these schools are very good at spotting the sort of child that will be suited to a school. If your nephews were to be offered places, I'd assume that the school considered they would be a good fit. If they're not offered places, the whole argument is redundant.

If your SIL is serious about aiming for a particular public school, a prep school that sends boys there regularly would be more useful for Year 7 and 8 than the local state secondary school.

[AloysiusBear]

I don't understand why some people find is so difficult to grasp that you need to match the school to the child...

Because kids are extremely adaptable!

[Andante57]

Op I’ve only skimmed the thread but presumably this school has common entrance and probably a pre-test.
Does your nephew’s present school prepare children for common entrance? Or are they being tutored for it?

[AloysiusBear]

The thing is OP, your opinion and desire to give it is stemming from a fundamental position of believing you know more about this than her.

That belief is arrogant. Sorry. She is an adult and the parent to her own children, she is perfectly competent to do her own research and form a view, she doesn't need your input.

[AloysiusBear]

Also if the reason she's targeting this school is because its prestigious, that's completely fine and logical.

There's a huge social capital gained from attending these schools, plain and simple. Dh attended one and now works in an industry absolutely dominated by their alumni and the network effect is massive.

[FelicityFlops]

To be brutally honest, if you are a parent today (not the same as when my siblings and I were growing up) you should really look at your child and how their personality fits with the school you are considering.
You should also bear in mind how committed you are to supporting this, not just from a cash point of view, but do you, as parents, mirror the education you expect your children to receive? For example, do you read books, take part or encourage sport, go to the cinema, theatre, concerts, ballet or opera regularly? Or even have an interest?
If you just want to abnegate your responsibility as a parent, then boarding school is an option, if not, there are other ways to go about it.
Should add that I went to a very "old" girls' school from the age of 4.5. My sister, who is a lot younger than I am, joined post 11+ and our brother got totally, educationally (thanks to the State system) messed around, but ended up at a minor public school.

[Iusyje]

@Littlebird43

My DH went from a single entry village school (plus single parent, low income family) to a large public school, funded by a scholarship.
Sure he didn't get to go skiing and the other boys laughed at his mum's car, but he thrived. He found his own crowd of friends (often other geeky misfits) , he benefited from being pushed academically and socially and he developed a thick skin and sharp wits.
I think more people should be encouraged in breaking down the barriers of these old institutions rather than reinforcing the idea that there are right and wrong people of certain educations.

This and also, the OP sounds as if she's saying she loves her nephews more than their mother loves them. Which ofcourse is rubbish. We all do what we "think" is best for our children. Sometimes we get it right and other times not.

[mathanxiety]

I think you need to read @latetothefisting's post again.

You also need to reconsider who exactly it is who instigated the 'drama' that has occurred. Your SIL asked a question, but it would appear that you opened your mouth and shoved your foot straight in, and intend to keep on doing so.

If I were you, I would tell your SIL you're sorry for being tactless and something of an overweening snob.

I would also leave your brother and his wife and their children to forge their own path.

[RIPQueen]

I attended a “major” public school and I don’t really understand how you can have such a different opinion/experience of it to me! Certainly can’t understand you advising your SIL like this. I don’t think the social fit is as important as the academic fit tbh, because social disparity is, for the most part, a good thing. Having a child who can’t keep up and feels stupid isn’t, but that’s what common entrance should determine (and why common entrance tutors should be discouraged). There will be imbalances re money/power at the local comp too - are you saying that works for you because it’s in your nephews favour, as those who have “more”?

[urgen]

Has anyone mentioned the cost and can SIL afford this? Two children at a 'public' school and boarding is going to be hitting £90k per year. Most boarding schools have some day pupils but the fees are not much lower and as most other pupils would be boarding what would happen if the boys wanted to board?

Unless they are going to go for help with fees you cannot just sit the exam with no guidance, no preparation and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

I think this isnt well planned at all and seems a bit bonkers. My DS did go to one of the big 'public' schools and he was very well prepared for the Common Entrance and had interview practise. The boys took a coach arranged by his prep school to visit the school both pre and post exams.