Major Public Schools

[Izwizi]

I myself went to a major public school (Cheltenham Ladies) and haven’t chosen to do the same for my own children for various reasons.

my SIL, who can be a bit highly strung, has two sons who currently attend a nice state primary. She has announced that she’ll be sending them to the (big name) boys public school about 15 minutes away. I have. A lot of experience with this school and I do not think her boys are the right fit. They are lovely boys who I adore but I don’t think they’d cope there. My SIL has hit the roof. IL’s tend to pander to her a bit and Have suggested to her that I was unreasonable in my advice.

DH and IL’s attended a good Grammar school and I just don’t think she appreciates how robust they’ll need to be to jump straight from a cosy village state primary to a major public school. Happy to be corrected if people feel I’m being unreasonable?

Have they registered for the entrance exams yet? These often take place in Year 6 for entry in to Year 9. (Possibly will be sat in the next few weeks). Then if offered a place the school may advise / expect them to move to one of their feeder preps for Year 7 & 8.

OP’s getting a pasting but if you send a quiet non assuming non sporty boy to a CERTAIN type of school fact is they will be miserable and even teachers won’t take a liking to them

this is why these fancy schools are not in my opinion worth the money

choose a smaller more nurturing school or a grammar- although some grammars want a specific type of kid as well and those who aren’t playing chess competitively for fun on weekends or playing 6 instruments at level 8 as well as being in Mensa are sometimes looked down on hugely.

Apparently so. She said they haven’t specified that they’d need to move to a feeder school which I can’t believe. I’d state the name of the school but don’t want to be too outing. Think Harrow and you’re along the right lines.

look; I’m not losing sleep over this but it is just another incident in a stream of nonsensical things my SIL has taken offence to when she’s asked me a simple question.

THIS!!! How is it so difficult to understand that her children will be mixing with kids who have had vastly different life experiences to hers?! That the school is known to be quite rough and tumble. That the kids will be going to Africa on school trips. That the kids parents will likely be listed on the Times Rich List.

Nothing to do with any perception I have of one group of people being ‘better’ than another - as I mentioned, I will not be sending my children to a MPS when the time comes - rather that I warned her that it is a different world and very much a bubble that might not be appropriate.

Yeah - if it was an offhand remark from you and she blew up, she’s being unreasonable. But I wouldn’t get too invested in it - you can have your opinion; but if she’s unhappy about it, just back off and let her do her own thing.

sometimes if a school is big, you get subgroups within it that are counter to the school’s main reputation - eg you’ll probably still get the computer nerds or poets in a traditional rugby-playing macho school.

It's a tricky one OP as I do get what you're saying as to why personality-wise this may not be a good fit for them (and so why you think she's chosen this school for the wrong reasons), but at the same time - imagine she feels it's not your place to say this. If the shoe was on the other foot would you genuinely welcome input on the school you choose to send your DD to from your SIL?

Ignore the rich list. They are just kids - we all have different life experiences - and sometimes people strike up ‘unlikely’ friendships.

Just apologise to her by text. Be the bigger person.

You tried to give her information based on your knowledge and she has had a tantrum. Well fine, she can make her bed and lay in it.

Sorry read your later comment that she actually asked what you thought. I mean if you ask someone their opinion you have to be prepared not to like it! She's free to disagree with you of course but seems a bit off to then creat drama out of it.

But I do entirely get what you're saying re the potential for a non sporty quiet boy who's not from a stinking rich background to quite possibly not be terribly happy at the school you're describing.

I don't quite understand what happened - did you give your SIL an unsolicited opinion that she was making a mistake with her kids education? No wonder she told you to butt out!

You sound over invested and if I may see envious of your SIL's decision for her children.

All types of children and personalities will be evident in any major public school as you should know already, they may gain confidence and polish and thrive in their new school very swiftly. It is extremely likely in fact they will be just fine.

With respect, if you hope to have any kind of future relationship with your SIL then I would refrain from saying anything at all, and show some support. This will end very badly if you continue to voice your own opinion about a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

@Izwizi sympathies. I don't understand why some people find is so difficult to grasp that you need to match the school to the child...

Some schools can cater for different needs well but others don't really.

Not boarding at a predominantly boarding school is also hard. Hey ho.

Is it a school for which they will have to do Common Entrance?

I think you are being reasonable. We had a long think when deciding which Senior School would suit the DC. We looked around some of well known ones and couldn't see the DC there even though the DC were sporty etc. It would have been the wrong place for them e.g. one was known as a hothouse and my DC needed their academic confidence boosting. We picked a school that matched them better and they thrived. Some of their friends did go to the sorts of schools you are talking about but I could see how they would fit in there better than mine would.

I understand this. Same reason I wouldn’t send my kids, even though I went myself.

Even at Eton, there are the music scholars, College for the academic scholars and increasingly there are lots of quiet and academic Asian boys in all the top schools so I really don’t think bright, sensitive boys with the right housemaster will necessarily suffer. There are so many niche sports in these top schools, drama, debating, fencing - they really don’t all have to be on the rugby team to thrive. So I think let her and the boys go through the process, meet the teaching staff and surely they can decide for themselves whether it is the right fit or not. The bigger the school the bigger the pool of different characters. There is also a huge amount of mental health awareness now in all the major public schools.
Comp to major public school usually means doing ks3 tests rather than common entrance so actually it can be an easier way in. However, some schools insist on Latin in year 9 so your SIL might have to get some Latin Cambridge courses in to do a bit.

Actually I think a lot of these major public schools are desperate for nice middle class British kids anyway.

Look, there are schools that are better for some types of pupils than others. That's just true. The types of students who thrive most at Bedales will be different than Rugby will be different than Westminster. It's not wrong to know that or say it.

However, reading between the lines, were you perhaps impolitic in the way you said it? Perhaps by suggesting you know more about private education than she does (which might make her defensive personally)? Or, even more plausibly, that she read the "they'll be eaten alive" tone to mean that her children were somehow deficient (which would make her defensive about her kids)? I know you probably didn't mean either, but did what you say suggest either of those things?

So @Izwizi she specifically asked you what you thought, is that right? And you told her and she didn't appreciate your answer? Of course it's perfectly reasonable to give an honest opinion to a direct question; if your advice was unsolicited well that's a different matter.

She will have to find out the hard way.

I think you're very nice to offer your opinion which is one that's actually invaluable to them but they're deciding not to accept it. You have experience of the system and are someone who knows the kids very well.
These schools are good at spotting kids who won't fit in so it's unlikely they'll even get it, but if they do and this mum is getting offended at your comment, she has another thing coming when she has to brush shoulders with those parents and those comments. If you follow my drift.

Are you glad you went Palmfrond?

OP, I cannot wrap my head around the PPs who say you're 'jealous' or 'motivated' to knock SIL's choice for whatever reason, lol. No where in your posts has that come across. I would have assumed you were asked your opinion because you went to another well known public school and your SIL blew up because she didn't like your honest answer. Which is mad when as you say, there's a lot of options (apparently more suitable ones at that) available to them in the area... I also went to a well known boarding school, and there's always some kids who just have more and you could never keep up. Still loved it, because crucially, the right one for me! The right vibe as someone else put it.

It's all moot though, they have to get in first 🥴

Name changed. I suspect that as usual people are happily commenting when they either have no direct experience of big public schools or their experience is 10 or more years out of date.

I went to state school as did my DH but our careers have paid well. I have had 3 children at 2 big boarding schools, the youngest is currently in year 11. They came up through prep school.

Not all the children are from rich backgrounds, there are a lot of bursaries available now. It is also not cool to show off about money. All my children have mixed with kids from all sorts of backgrounds and no one cares about that stuff. State school
kids joining are not a big deal, they generally haven’t learnt any Latin but are helped to catch up quickly. There are 9 sets in most subjects so a good range of very able to not academic.

As for sport, again there is a huge range. The boys first year they will be expected to try out for lots of sports including the traditional rugby. After your first year you can switch to hockey, cycling in the school woods, rowing, climbing walls indoors, (I think it’s called bouldering?) fencing, skate boarding etc. One of my 3 loved the team sports, the other 2 are sciencey nerds who like anime, working on the school race car, one likes public speaking. The school will encourage any interests the kid has.

A lot of kids play instruments to a high level, my three played none (unusual) and this was accepted.

Your twin nephews are young and I really think you are underestimating them and the modern boarding schools by saying they are not sporty enough, not rich enough etc. Very old fashioned thinking.

Any decent school will cater for all personality types and no ,you don’t have to be sporty to thrive .
Am guessing your SIL was offended if you said that he would be eaten alive .
Possibly interpreted as snobby and implying that her son not good enough

Sorry just seen they are twins …they can look after each other !