Major Public Schools

[Izwizi]

I myself went to a major public school (Cheltenham Ladies) and haven’t chosen to do the same for my own children for various reasons.

my SIL, who can be a bit highly strung, has two sons who currently attend a nice state primary. She has announced that she’ll be sending them to the (big name) boys public school about 15 minutes away. I have. A lot of experience with this school and I do not think her boys are the right fit. They are lovely boys who I adore but I don’t think they’d cope there. My SIL has hit the roof. IL’s tend to pander to her a bit and Have suggested to her that I was unreasonable in my advice.

DH and IL’s attended a good Grammar school and I just don’t think she appreciates how robust they’ll need to be to jump straight from a cosy village state primary to a major public school. Happy to be corrected if people feel I’m being unreasonable?

Most of the major public schools have robust anti-bullying policies, and most of them accept children on bursaries. At my grandson's public school, there are children from all kinds of backgrounds, so I think your idea that your nephews wouldn't 'fit in' is rather dated.
In any case, the boys would have to pass the entrance exams, it's not just a case of the parents deciding where to send them.

to jump straight from a cosy village state primary to a major public school

None of the major public schools where the "vast majority of the boys board" start at 11, they start at 13, so they won't be going straight from primary school, will they@Izwizi?

My son is sweet, highly academic, very sporty but he is also quiet and lacks confidences. He could get into Eton or any grand school without issue. However as you say about your nephews he wouldn't be a good fit and probably wouldn't enjoy it.

I have friends whose parents sent them to Eton and it was a major mistake because it didn't suit them at all.

I am on the same page as you and think it is right to pick the schools sensitively based around fit rather than desire to have a child at a grand school.

She is choosing the wrong school for the personality of her children

And you know this how? A good school will cater for a range of personality types. They won't have 600 or so identical type kids.

Too much emphasise is made on matching of schools to personality. Its an important skill and character trait to learn to get along in different environments. No school should be so rigid that an NT child can't settle in their.

Oh and you absolutely do sound like you want her to "stay in her lane". Your own attendance at one school many years agp does not make you more qualified to judge a public school now, or the personalities of her boys.

Which school is it, some dont accept day pupils. Like pp said entrance will be at 13.

I think you should have either worded it gently or not said anything. Have they passed the entrance exams? If so, they’ll presumably be able to keep up academically.

The time to speak up is if/when you see that DN’s are very unhappy. They might love it and thrive.

There are lovely schools in abundance that would be perfect for them.

Honestly, the (unconscious) implication here is that her boys aren't good enough for this school.

Not robust enough, not rich enough, not sporty enough.

Schools welcome and benefit from variety. Maybe all those rich robust boys will gain from all having to be tolerant of different personality types.

Its really none if your business. The fact that you think your own attendance at Cheltenham (vs your SiLs academic background) is in any way relevant to your ability to judge a school speaks volumes.

Most of the major public schools have robust anti-bullying policies, and most of them accept children on bursaries. At my grandson's public school, there are children from all kinds of backgrounds, so I think your idea that your nephews wouldn't 'fit in' is rather dated.

This. It just sounds snobby to me, a thinly veiled way to close off certain prestigious schools to anyone not from the "right" background.

I understand where you're coming from. But coming from you, it's going to sound a combination of patronising, and sour grapes.

Leave it. They'll find out (at least they can't be beaten any more).

My DH went from a single entry village school (plus single parent, low income family) to a large public school, funded by a scholarship.
Sure he didn't get to go skiing and the other boys laughed at his mum's car, but he thrived. He found his own crowd of friends (often other geeky misfits) , he benefited from being pushed academically and socially and he developed a thick skin and sharp wits.
I think more people should be encouraged in breaking down the barriers of these old institutions rather than reinforcing the idea that there are right and wrong people of certain educations.

I don't see she's saying the boys aren't good enough

She is saying based on her knowledge of the school and the children , that the boys may well hate the school - anti bullying policies or none

But people will misinterpret and add meaning behind her simple statement

She is saying based on her knowledge of the school and the children , that the boys may well hate the school - anti bullying policies or none

She isnt a parent of a child at the school, or a teacher there, nor a recent attendee. She knows a handful of parents of pupils there. There will be hundreds of boys there. Some will be sensitive.

In any case, those sorts of public schools interview & select, they are spoiled for choice & are highly unlikely to offer a place to a boy who really will struggle to fit.

Often these descriptions are self fulfilling. The boys at the school maybe confident and robust because the school is good at instilling that confidence!

Op I understand your sentiments. There is often a huge social gulf in these schools between those who have and those who have not, often compounded by the boarders v day thing. Having been a day pupil at a boarding school I know how it feels to be automatically typecast on the outside by mere dint of my domestic situation. The day kids are apparently still seen as 'irrelevant' at the same school 30 years later! I actually opted for state for my dcs because I felt the environment was a lot less toxic. (They 'thrived' in their state schools btw.)

A lot of experience with this school and I do not think her boys are the right fit

Surely a good school should be able to deal with a wide range of characters and interests etc. just as a good horse trainer should be able to deal with all different sorts of horses.

Did your SIL ask for your input? If so, I would say your piece once, a gently as you can, and then drop the matter entirely.

You wrote "She is choosing the wrong school for the personality of her children" which leaps out to me as massively overstepping. This is a matter for your DNephews' parents to decide. If the school were that poor of a fit for your DNephews they wouldn't have gotten through the admissions process.

So I am confused here.

Is SIL looking at help with the fees because big public schools are circa £45k per year for boarding and you cannot just jump from a small primary to something like this without knowing the process and being guided and as others said the start age is normally 13 unless the schools she mentions is not one of the big public schools like Charterhouse or Harrow.

Where will they go between 11-13?

thanks for the comments. They’re currently in year 6 (twins) and will be going to the local comp (and not a good one) and eventually said school.

all rather pie in the sky, as pp have pointed out, they’ll need to satisfy entry requirements. Just rather a shame that my SIL has instigated a lot of drama over lots of ‘what ifs’ a couple of years down the line and based off my simple remark in answer to her question that I thought it would be a very steep adjustment/learning curve for them.

my suggestion was to consider other very well performing private schools in the area for when they leave primary at the end of the academic year and I stand by my opinion that her suggestion would be ludicrous.

Why doesn't she send them to a prep school for the interval between end of primary and the start of their next school? A lot can change in two years.

YANBU she should put her social ambitions aside and choose the best place for her kids. I got sent to boarding school for 6th form from a comp, it wasn't great TBH. As different as different could possibly be in many ways.

I understand your concern about being a day pupil in a predominantly boarding school. I went to a boarding school with very few day pupils. the day pupils took a lot longer to settle and to make friendships as quickly. They missed out on a lot of social time during the non academic hours which is so vital to building friendships in these environments. A lot of the day pupils ended up converting to boarding anyway.

I will say that mostly everyone finds their tribe eventually. big public schools have the advantage of offering such a diverse range of clubs and societies. not everyone at these schools are the extroverted, super sporty personality types. those are the cliques everyone remembers as they stand out the most and make themselves seen and heard but actually they're usually a very small percentage of the students.

Do you have to be of certain personally types to go to some private schools? I thought that was one of the big selling points, that they infused their pupils with specific desirable characteristics.

It sounds from this as though those kids have those characteristics anyway and it’s got nothing to do with the school

Seems weird that she expects them to make the jump from a local comp to this school at 13, without any preparation - academic or otherwise. Is there not a prep school available?

I don't think it's rude, what you said. There are several independent schools near us and each has its own quite obvious and distinct vibe. My academically bright, happy teenager is blissfully happy at one of them. She would not be happy in either of the other two that people usually choose between, for completely different reasons for each school. That's not to say she's not "good enough" for any of them, because she is, it's just that each has its own vibe and personality, just as much as different state schools, and it's much much more than bullying/no bullying.

If your SIL is not familiar with the differences between schools like that, and just thinks "any famous public school = best opportunity for my children" without recognising that they're all wildly different and offer different experiences... well... she'll find out soon enough. But equally, a well-subscribed-to school can afford to pick and choose, and they're probably best placed to decide if these boys will have fun there and thrive. Maybe you're completely wrong!

Not your circus
Not your monkeys

I don’t think it’s any of your business.