My wife wants another child but I don’t. AIBU?

[Allto1866]

Hi everyone 👋 I’m in dire need of help. My marriage is on the line. Here’s the details and considerations. It’s a long & seemingly complicated situation so strap in.

I (33m) love my wife (33f) with everything I have. She is the most supportive & caring person I’ve met. We have been married for 5 years and have a son (4). She has supported me through a masters degree by taking the financial burden for 5 years and moving to a different part of the country. To repay this I’ve put every penny I have into renovating our house and taking the majority of the bills to give us aide we wanted.

The subject of more kids came up & I’m on the side of the fence of no more. I’m incredibly happy with what we have and our son seems to be too. We got pregnant earlier in the year but had to terminate due to extreme sickness & danger to my wife’s health. It was a particularly bad pregnancy. We talked after that and the general census was we wouldn’t try anymore due to the hurt it caused.

Fast forward to now and my wife is dead set that she wants another due to her “clock ticking.”

I understand why she wants another. She is a great mam and we both love her immeasurably. After our son was born she suffered post natal depression and feels like she missed out on the first year of our sons life. It is worth noting that we were very far from home and any support at the time. We are close to her family now but my family are not the most helpful bunch.

Now our son is in school 9-3 Mon-Fri and my wife works 20hrs over the weekend. She feels that she has given up her dreams of her perfect job and having more kids. I suggested either re-rolling to finish her own masters or applying for a job which she finds fulfilling. I’d happily support her through either to return the commitment she gave to me.

The reasons I’m on team “no more kids” are many. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and currently in the pipeline for an Autism screening from the same consultant. I struggle with understanding the world and feel most comfortable with routine & predictability. Our son is fantastic and at an age now where he doesn’t need too much input. I found the baby years incredibly frustrating and unsettling and I don’t think I could go through that again. I work long hours with people in pain and feel utterly drained when I get home. I do bath and bed then catch up with my wife.

The intimacy & emotion has all but died over the course of the year. I can not remember the last time my wife sincerely said “I love you” or showed any physical affection like hugs or kisses. I’ve been on the sofa since February when we got a dog and my wife enjoyed sharing the bed with the little one. I recently came back to bed and she would get up in the night & cry saying she felt suffocated & trapped.

She has also said some pretty hurtful things over the previous few months. Most notably she said I’m a terrible husband and dad, although she later admitted she hoped this would make me prove her wrong and have more kids. She says she is repulsed by me and doesn’t want sex as she’s not attracted to me. I’m an athletic 33yr old and feel really hurt by these things. Her main issue is that she doesn’t want to resent us when we’re older as she currently despises me for not giving her another child. Her words verbatim.

With no emotion and feeling utterly defeated I decided to move out and take some time apart. I’m living in my work space and visit our son to do bath & bed and have him on Saturdays for daddy days.

We started a fostering application a few month back and I made my boundaries clear. I would go to work and my wife’s focus would be the kids and house as she would be finishing work. Without warning she stopped the application after seeing what was involved, saying I would never have went through with it.

Our next course of action is a marriage counsellor to raise the problems above. There seems to be no easy way around this. My wife is adamant that she wants another, with or without me, and details how she would do this (donor, one night stand, new partner) which I find incredibly disrespectful talking about whilst we’re still married and trying to save our relationship.

It seems logical to me (but my view of the world can be flawed) that if both parents aren’t 100% committed then not having another child is the sensible thing to do.

To add further my wife now says she can’t afford to have more kids alone and will have to work full time to cover our bills. However, she still despises me and is not comfortable having me back home. She no longer wears her ring and took our wedding photos from the living room. I’ve been out of the house since Friday, it is now Tuesday.

If any of you guys have experienced this or have any advice I’d be open to receiving it.

Thank you for reading.

Your relationship sounds as though it definitely needs to end, considering the way your wife feels about you and speaks to you. It would be absolutely crazy to consider bringing another child into this scenario. It sounds as if your wife wants to use you to give her another child but has no interest in having a proper marriage with you. She is being completely unreasonable. You are absolutely right not to give in to her demands. I do not see the point of marriage counselling in this situation- she has made her feelings clear.

I think that your relationship is over. You want different things. If she wants another child she can find someone else to have it with.

Ha but to not want more children. Yabu to say ‘we fell pregnant’. You were not pregnant.

Your wife clearly doesn't love you or even like you. You deserve better.

I don't understand why she would terminate a pregnancy due to hyperemesis and expect another pregnancy to be different

I would concentrate on ending this marriage well and try to maintain a good and consistent relationship with your son. It’s over mate.

Your wife sounds like an abusive prick to be honest.

I'd get out ASAP because quite frankly, people like that tend not to change.

She's been very cruel and unreasonable. End the marriage and come to a positive co parenting arrangement.

It would be madness to bring another child into a marriage where one partner is not 100% in favour of this; let alone the consideration that your marriage appears to be in a bad way.

The counselling is a good idea if you want to save the marriage, but you have to make it clear your aim in counselling will be to find.a way to make the marriage work, not to be persuaded into having another child (I'd hope no decent counsellor would go down that route).

Unless she is prepared to work on the marriage with the status quo of one child, I think, sadly, the marriage has run its course.

Fingers crossed marriage counselling will help you both to process through much of this but no, having another child is a ‘two yes’ decision.

"She has also said some pretty hurtful things over the previous few months. Most notably she said I’m a terrible husband and dad, although she later admitted she hoped this would make me prove her wrong and have more kids. She says she is repulsed by me and doesn’t want sex as she’s not attracted to me."

Fuck even discussing having another kid, you need to leave the bitch

Are you willing to have another child? If you’re not, then your marriage is over and you’re going to have to get used to a new kind of normal. You’re not unreasonable to not want another child. You are beyond unreasonable to expect your wife to get over it and go back to how things were before. She wants another child more than anything else in the world right now. She probably feels like you have betrayed her by denying her the family she had imagined. What you feel is logical doesn’t matter.

Your wife sounds abusive, I really hope you take some.time to consider yourself in all this. You deserve so much better than this relationship, I know its difficult to walk away when you still feel you love your partner and dont want to split up your family but she is a nasty piece of work and is treating you like shit. She only sees you as a sperm donor from the sounds of this and will try anything to manipulate you into giving her what she wants.

I do wonder how much pressure you put on her to have the termination at a time when she needed caring for and was ver vulnerable and she is now resentful about it causing her feelings towards you. That can cause deep hurt and I wonder if she is trying to make you hurt like she has. Neither is right to do but understandable.

Don’t bring another child into the shitshow of a relationship (biological, foster or otherwise) . Provided you’ve represented your side of the story accurately, you should end the relationship as no reasonable person would treat their partner that way. The best way forward is coparenting- what your wife decides to do without you in order to have another child is her decision. Leave her to it and focus on your son.

Ah she was right to abandon the fostering idea. You can’t give foster child a safe loving temporary home somewhere the other adult does not want them around. It’s not fair on the kids involved.

Wow.

From reading the title, I was going to come on to the thread and say in our house DH wants more children and I don't. We wont have any more without us both agreeing.

Having read the full post I have to say your home life sounds awful and there is no way I would bring a baby into that environment.

I’ve been in a similar situation over the last few months, and I’ve voted YANBU, because you’re not being unreasonable, but I don’t think your wife is either, because she wants what she wants, and she feels like you’re the only person who can help her, and I can tell from what she’s said to you that she’s in a huge amount of pain. I don’t think she’s a bitch or a prick and I don’t think comments like that are helpful. I also think you have a right not to bring another child into the world if it’s not what you want. It’s so hard. I really hopes she finds some peace and you can all be together again.

That was a hard read, to be honest.

I think she sounds like she needs a lot of help and support, and having another child would be the worst possible event in all of your lives.

Can you get her to talk to someone professionally? Or chat to your GP? This doesn't sound like "normal" behaviour and I don't mean that unkindly.

She sounds like a spiteful piece of work. OP you deserve better, she's abusive. Regardless of how much she wants another baby, there's no excuse for her behaviour toward you.

I would second what @daisypod said too

I really hopes she finds some peace and you can all be together again.

Yes, living happily ever after with an abusive spouse.

Fantastic!

I don’t really get what the question is.

she’s kicked you out.she says she’s repulsed by you. She’s talking about sperm donors etc. doesn’t sound like she really wants you back tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️

Gosh I feel terribly sorry for you. She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Like a toddler stamping her feet saying I want I want. She was dangerously ill while pregnant yet wants another? You sensibly say it's not a good idea for various reasons, so she retaliates by saying you're a bad husband and father. I honestly hope you separate, and that you get primary custody of your son. You deserve better!