My wife wants another child but I don’t. AIBU?

[Allto1866]

Hi everyone 👋 I’m in dire need of help. My marriage is on the line. Here’s the details and considerations. It’s a long & seemingly complicated situation so strap in.

I (33m) love my wife (33f) with everything I have. She is the most supportive & caring person I’ve met. We have been married for 5 years and have a son (4). She has supported me through a masters degree by taking the financial burden for 5 years and moving to a different part of the country. To repay this I’ve put every penny I have into renovating our house and taking the majority of the bills to give us aide we wanted.

The subject of more kids came up & I’m on the side of the fence of no more. I’m incredibly happy with what we have and our son seems to be too. We got pregnant earlier in the year but had to terminate due to extreme sickness & danger to my wife’s health. It was a particularly bad pregnancy. We talked after that and the general census was we wouldn’t try anymore due to the hurt it caused.

Fast forward to now and my wife is dead set that she wants another due to her “clock ticking.”

I understand why she wants another. She is a great mam and we both love her immeasurably. After our son was born she suffered post natal depression and feels like she missed out on the first year of our sons life. It is worth noting that we were very far from home and any support at the time. We are close to her family now but my family are not the most helpful bunch.

Now our son is in school 9-3 Mon-Fri and my wife works 20hrs over the weekend. She feels that she has given up her dreams of her perfect job and having more kids. I suggested either re-rolling to finish her own masters or applying for a job which she finds fulfilling. I’d happily support her through either to return the commitment she gave to me.

The reasons I’m on team “no more kids” are many. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and currently in the pipeline for an Autism screening from the same consultant. I struggle with understanding the world and feel most comfortable with routine & predictability. Our son is fantastic and at an age now where he doesn’t need too much input. I found the baby years incredibly frustrating and unsettling and I don’t think I could go through that again. I work long hours with people in pain and feel utterly drained when I get home. I do bath and bed then catch up with my wife.

The intimacy & emotion has all but died over the course of the year. I can not remember the last time my wife sincerely said “I love you” or showed any physical affection like hugs or kisses. I’ve been on the sofa since February when we got a dog and my wife enjoyed sharing the bed with the little one. I recently came back to bed and she would get up in the night & cry saying she felt suffocated & trapped.

She has also said some pretty hurtful things over the previous few months. Most notably she said I’m a terrible husband and dad, although she later admitted she hoped this would make me prove her wrong and have more kids. She says she is repulsed by me and doesn’t want sex as she’s not attracted to me. I’m an athletic 33yr old and feel really hurt by these things. Her main issue is that she doesn’t want to resent us when we’re older as she currently despises me for not giving her another child. Her words verbatim.

With no emotion and feeling utterly defeated I decided to move out and take some time apart. I’m living in my work space and visit our son to do bath & bed and have him on Saturdays for daddy days.

We started a fostering application a few month back and I made my boundaries clear. I would go to work and my wife’s focus would be the kids and house as she would be finishing work. Without warning she stopped the application after seeing what was involved, saying I would never have went through with it.

Our next course of action is a marriage counsellor to raise the problems above. There seems to be no easy way around this. My wife is adamant that she wants another, with or without me, and details how she would do this (donor, one night stand, new partner) which I find incredibly disrespectful talking about whilst we’re still married and trying to save our relationship.

It seems logical to me (but my view of the world can be flawed) that if both parents aren’t 100% committed then not having another child is the sensible thing to do.

To add further my wife now says she can’t afford to have more kids alone and will have to work full time to cover our bills. However, she still despises me and is not comfortable having me back home. She no longer wears her ring and took our wedding photos from the living room. I’ve been out of the house since Friday, it is now Tuesday.

If any of you guys have experienced this or have any advice I’d be open to receiving it.

Thank you for reading.

You don't have a child to "save" a relationship, it doesn't work. Babies put a strain on a relationship, they don't glue it together. If your relationship is already strained a new baby will blow those cracks wide open.

Your wife has already checked out of the relationship mentally by the sound of it. I think she's still there physically just to get another baby, using you basically. So your relationship is looking like it's over anyway whether you have another child or not. She doesn't seem to even like you never mind love you and her behaviour is bordering on abusive.

You felt you could barely cope the first time. Your conditions could be passed on. What will happen if your next child is neurodiverse with the added complications to family life that entails? At 4yrs old you don't yet know if your DS is neurodiverse or not.

You're not unreasonable for not wanting another child. You feel however you feel. Whether to have a(nother) baby or not isn't really something that it's possible to compromise on. It's not like you can have half a baby or a part time baby!

Was the fostering an attempt at compromise? I don't think you have the right mindset for fostering. The foster child wouldn't be your wife's hobby but another person living in your home, possibly a troubled person. It would affect your life regardless and isn't really something you could leave 100% to your wife. You don't seem truly on board with the fostering so your wife is probably right about the checks they make to assess your suitability as foster parents.

Was your wife aware of your feelings towards having another child before she gave up her life and financial security to move so far away to enable you to do what you wanted with your life?

A 4 year still needs a lot of ‘input’ as you say, make sure you are doing your share.

Why did you try to Foster a child? I don't understand.

Aside from sickness in pregnancy, what danger did the pregnancy pose to your wife's health?

It’s so easy just to spout LTB to people you don’t know about things you’ve never experienced isn’t it? You’ll just shut this thread and never think about these people or their lives again

The problem is that neither is wrong and there is no compromise.

She has given up so much to give your your life with your qualifications and child so if you cannot compromise your position to allow her a child then you need to enable her to progress with her life and fulfil both her career and wish for a 2nd baby and sibling for your son.

There are so many problems in your marriage and having a baby will make all of them worse.

She sounds like an abusive, manipulative piece of work. You seem really very lovely. I would not have another child with her. It HAS to be a mutual decision: that’s how parenting works!

I think it sounds like your wife has had a horrendous year, probably still coming to terms with PND in some way and is in pain at the agony of wanting a child she can't have.
The fact that things have gotten nasty and fallen apart to this point I think means your marriage is over, as you both are not able to communicate, respect each other and meet each other's needs during this crisis you have faced.
It sounds like you are underestimating the toll parenting and longing for another baby is having on your wife, and she has turned to lashing out and lost site of what is reasonable.
You are not able to work as a team to face this problem, it has pushed you apart.
You are no longer together in any sense a couple is, but you co-parent your son.
I'm sorry things have got to where they are, but it does sound like your marriage is not working.
Whether it's a pressure cooker situation that you can both come back from is hard to say on a thread online. It would take a lot of work and a complete change in your wife's state of mind.
I would just admit where you are (your marriage is not working) - do what you can (continue to co-parent and be there for your son) give eachother a lot of space and don't re-visit old ground (in essence, separate) and let the heat go out of the situation.
If your wife can't deal with this more reasonably than there is no dealing with this. You can't just be the object of her disappointment and resentment.
If she gets some support and can be more reasonable than you have issues to address but possibly the ability to do it as a couple.
The future is a bit uncertain - but the present seems quite clear. Your marriage isn't functioning and trying to force it to won't help.

Wow. Remember there are two sides to a story and you’ve only got one from the ‘lovely’ person. Funny that.

So a previous pregnancy was terminated due to illness and your wife suffered from PND following the birth of your first child? Why does she think it'll be different this time? Honestly, she has treated you cruelly but I think she has some mental health issues going on. Babies are not emotional sticking plasters. I don't know if there is any way forward for you, but I think professional help, separately and together will be needed. Good luck

It’s so easy just to spout LTB to people you don’t know about things you’ve never experienced isn’t it? You’ll just shut this thread and never think about these people or their lives again

Excuse me? Why are you assuming I haven't been in an abusive marriage?

FYI I have. I managed to get out and no, it wasn't easy but it was well worth it.

The OP doesn't have to put up with it either.

This sounds like a very one sided story!

When the longing for another child takes hold, the hold is very strong. It defies logic. You're taking about the sensible decision but for her it's an emotional decision.

*talking

Ok I understand this from your wife’s perspective.

You sound like my Ex ( recently diagnosed with autism). It did not matter how many times I told him the marriage was over and irreparable, or how I showed him ( I also kicked him out of the bedroom), I even got to the point of telling him I hated him ( I did by then) to get him to understand it was OVER. He just wouldn’t accept it but kept bleating on about how he loved me. Which just reiterated the pattern of completely being unable to focus on what I was telling him, or how I felt, or why I felt it, as all that mattered to him was what he felt..

He too tried to focus on one event which to him explained the marriage break down ( in your case, wife wanting another baby). But it’s clear that the problem is far wider for your wife. She said you are a terrible husband. It’s not just about the baby, is it? There are deeper problems in your relationship. Your wife sounds utterly worn down by her marriage to you, and your inability to hear what she says to you and see what is in front of you. Your marriage is plainly over, yet you still can’t read the room!

Your marriage is over. You need to accept that. Divorce as amicably as you can for your child’s sake and both your sakes.

Yep. I’m astonished posters can’t see that. It doesn’t take much reading between the lines to see that!

Divorce her. Now. She’s being so abusive and awful to you. She might like the idea of another baby but she’s utterly deluded. I don’t see what you love about her, she’s selfish and cruel.

All threads are a one sided story. Just because it’s by a man detailing abusive behaviour by a woman doesn’t make it less likely to true than vice versa.

Don't have a child you don't want.
It is hugely unfair to the child.

If this is a deal-breaker for your wife then so be it.

Agreed

Exactly this.

Your marriage over. Start the divorce and co parent your bairn.

I haven't voted either way but......

Your dw's clock is ticking. She has a compelling biological need for another child. Any logical reasoning about money or resource or sickness or anything else are completely irrelevant at this point.

If she really wants another child that much, preventing it will cause profound resentment and will eat away at your marriage. She isn't being difficult, she can't help it. How would you feel if someone tried to prevent you ever having sex again? It's not the same, but close.

I'm not saying you are unreasonable in not wanting another child, you have every right to that view but you need to understand what is driving your wife. You are right, it will destroy your marriage. So your choice is simple, what do you value more? Can you have a second child and not end up resenting her?

If not, call a halt to it now and let her go and have another baby elsewhere. Your life has changed, you want different things.

Yes, it must be the man's fault.