My wife wants another child but I don’t. AIBU?

[Allto1866]

Hi everyone 👋 I’m in dire need of help. My marriage is on the line. Here’s the details and considerations. It’s a long & seemingly complicated situation so strap in.

I (33m) love my wife (33f) with everything I have. She is the most supportive & caring person I’ve met. We have been married for 5 years and have a son (4). She has supported me through a masters degree by taking the financial burden for 5 years and moving to a different part of the country. To repay this I’ve put every penny I have into renovating our house and taking the majority of the bills to give us aide we wanted.

The subject of more kids came up & I’m on the side of the fence of no more. I’m incredibly happy with what we have and our son seems to be too. We got pregnant earlier in the year but had to terminate due to extreme sickness & danger to my wife’s health. It was a particularly bad pregnancy. We talked after that and the general census was we wouldn’t try anymore due to the hurt it caused.

Fast forward to now and my wife is dead set that she wants another due to her “clock ticking.”

I understand why she wants another. She is a great mam and we both love her immeasurably. After our son was born she suffered post natal depression and feels like she missed out on the first year of our sons life. It is worth noting that we were very far from home and any support at the time. We are close to her family now but my family are not the most helpful bunch.

Now our son is in school 9-3 Mon-Fri and my wife works 20hrs over the weekend. She feels that she has given up her dreams of her perfect job and having more kids. I suggested either re-rolling to finish her own masters or applying for a job which she finds fulfilling. I’d happily support her through either to return the commitment she gave to me.

The reasons I’m on team “no more kids” are many. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and currently in the pipeline for an Autism screening from the same consultant. I struggle with understanding the world and feel most comfortable with routine & predictability. Our son is fantastic and at an age now where he doesn’t need too much input. I found the baby years incredibly frustrating and unsettling and I don’t think I could go through that again. I work long hours with people in pain and feel utterly drained when I get home. I do bath and bed then catch up with my wife.

The intimacy & emotion has all but died over the course of the year. I can not remember the last time my wife sincerely said “I love you” or showed any physical affection like hugs or kisses. I’ve been on the sofa since February when we got a dog and my wife enjoyed sharing the bed with the little one. I recently came back to bed and she would get up in the night & cry saying she felt suffocated & trapped.

She has also said some pretty hurtful things over the previous few months. Most notably she said I’m a terrible husband and dad, although she later admitted she hoped this would make me prove her wrong and have more kids. She says she is repulsed by me and doesn’t want sex as she’s not attracted to me. I’m an athletic 33yr old and feel really hurt by these things. Her main issue is that she doesn’t want to resent us when we’re older as she currently despises me for not giving her another child. Her words verbatim.

With no emotion and feeling utterly defeated I decided to move out and take some time apart. I’m living in my work space and visit our son to do bath & bed and have him on Saturdays for daddy days.

We started a fostering application a few month back and I made my boundaries clear. I would go to work and my wife’s focus would be the kids and house as she would be finishing work. Without warning she stopped the application after seeing what was involved, saying I would never have went through with it.

Our next course of action is a marriage counsellor to raise the problems above. There seems to be no easy way around this. My wife is adamant that she wants another, with or without me, and details how she would do this (donor, one night stand, new partner) which I find incredibly disrespectful talking about whilst we’re still married and trying to save our relationship.

It seems logical to me (but my view of the world can be flawed) that if both parents aren’t 100% committed then not having another child is the sensible thing to do.

To add further my wife now says she can’t afford to have more kids alone and will have to work full time to cover our bills. However, she still despises me and is not comfortable having me back home. She no longer wears her ring and took our wedding photos from the living room. I’ve been out of the house since Friday, it is now Tuesday.

If any of you guys have experienced this or have any advice I’d be open to receiving it.

Thank you for reading.

As has been said when a woman posts an emotional abuse story : LTB !!!

@elvedon no, because it's very disjointed and sounds... very one sided!

She sounds crazy and mean.

If you have the opportunity to sleep with this woman e.g. she tries to seduce you with a shower of nice talk and that she doesn’t mind anymore about having a baby - please don’t.

This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship. I would end things and co parent the one child you have before things get too messy. She is still young enough to meet someone else who may want a child with her, although if she terminated due to hypermemis then her next pregnancy may be exactly the same. Good luck

This must be from reddit?

I agree 100%

I have lots of questions. How did the termination come about / who really chose it / what factors influenced this. Why does your wife work weekends only? Do you do any parenting during the week? Was part of the termination decision the challenge of doing everything for an existing child while miserably ill? It doesn’t sound like you were going to do anything to help with fostering, you seem to have said that to her in one syllable words so her cancelling the application is only sensible, now you’re holding it against her that she listened when you said I’ll be going to work and the house and any children are 100% on your head?
you say I’d happily support her to go back to study - but that’s what you say. Where have you actually demonstrated that you’ve supported her? The way she has demonstrated her support for you - you’ve done your study. What did you do during her pnd? Pnd is more prevalent in women without helpful partners, could that be a factor here?

Your side of the story raises lots of questions.

It seems to me like your wife needs individual counseling and I’m surprised that the marriage counselor did not suggest it. An obsession with procreation to the point of breaking up a marriage after losing a pregnancy suggests a trauma response. I would frame it as a loss from her perspective if it wasn’t was a wanted pregnancy and ended by health complications even if those complications were not life threatening.

Just please whatever you do, do not have sex with her.

Your wife sounds like a right cunt.

Yes. Like, why is he staying with someone who is so unpleasant to him.

Typical MN post of, if the wife is unpleasant, it must be the husband's fault. 🙄

If this is real then you have rather glossed over several pertinent issues, such as the termination which she is clearly not over and what brought you both to make that decision if she wants another child so much. Also, the application to foster when you don't want another child. Aside from that, you are not unreasonable to not want a child and she is not unreasonable for not being able to get over wanting one.

She is the most supportive & caring person I’ve met.

You're saying this in the present tense - but she hasn’t been like this for some time now. There are two possibilities here.

1. Your wife has had quite a serious mental breakdown and is not getting the professional help she needs. And if this is correct, she needs it quickly. What she absolutely should NOT be doing, for her own sake as well as yours, is having another child - and above all, the child
   doesn’t deserve that either. Someone else who seems to have been largely forgotten is your existing child. Things are going to be hard enough for him if your marriage ends, without throwing a sibling into the mix - one who’s been born in the least ideal circumstances possible.

2. Your wife is not the person you thought she was, and your only use to her now is as a sperm donor so that she can have a full sibling for your son. That is frankly a disastrous scenario for all involved, including her.

Whichever it is, another baby is the worst thing that could happen right now.

Welcome to literally every thread on Mumsnet ever. Every single one, by definition.

How I read the OP, YABU to expect her to just gave up on having another child because it seems rational to you.

She did a lot for the family and she has no obligation to be counceled into your vision of world. You don't have to have another child with her, but you can't deny her a choice for herself.

Some women on here are dumb and cannot accept that some women are batshit crazy.

Well, unless it's a mil or their ex's new wife.

I’m not sure how logical you can be about her behaviour. It’s not logical. She feels lost and trapped and she wants to blow everything up so that something gives. It doesn’t really matter to her how destructive that is - it’s a way to affect change. The kindest thing you can do is to end it. She is very unhappy as are you.

Hi OP, can you clarify some parts of your post?

You have been married for 5, your son is 4 and during the 5 years she supported you financially to allow you to complete your studies. She moved away from her only support network/family. Did I get this right?

• You wrote that your family are not helpful. Were you helpful?

Dont write "we got pregnant" she did, while supporting you financially, later had PND, and had no family support.

• Did you give her any support apart from "renovating our house and taking the majority of the bills to give us aide we wanted"?

Our son is fantastic and at an age now where he doesn’t need too much input. I found the baby years incredibly frustrating and unsettling and I don’t think I could go through that again.

• How much help did you give her during these stages?

Who decided to get the dog and who is doing the caring? Did you start to sleep separately because of the dog?

If she cries and tells you she feels suffocated and trapped, you should believe her. Maybe she wants more than just a physical connection.

Who decided that fostering was a good idea? you wrote " I made my boundaries clear. I would go to work and my wife’s focus would be the kids and house as she would be finishing work."

-A lot of posters are attacking your wife but, reading your post in more detail, it seems that she did not have it easy with you.

It seems that you always have everything done your way and she has been supporting you throughout. You want physical affection but don't even notice that she wants emotional fulfilment.

She wants a different life. I agree with other posters that she needs counselling to help her deal with all that she has been through and express her hurt and help her heal. She needs her space.

You also need counselling but separately. Maybe try to have a clean break. If you don't want the same things, let her go.