My wife wants another child but I don’t. AIBU?

[Allto1866]

Hi everyone 👋 I’m in dire need of help. My marriage is on the line. Here’s the details and considerations. It’s a long & seemingly complicated situation so strap in.

I (33m) love my wife (33f) with everything I have. She is the most supportive & caring person I’ve met. We have been married for 5 years and have a son (4). She has supported me through a masters degree by taking the financial burden for 5 years and moving to a different part of the country. To repay this I’ve put every penny I have into renovating our house and taking the majority of the bills to give us aide we wanted.

The subject of more kids came up & I’m on the side of the fence of no more. I’m incredibly happy with what we have and our son seems to be too. We got pregnant earlier in the year but had to terminate due to extreme sickness & danger to my wife’s health. It was a particularly bad pregnancy. We talked after that and the general census was we wouldn’t try anymore due to the hurt it caused.

Fast forward to now and my wife is dead set that she wants another due to her “clock ticking.”

I understand why she wants another. She is a great mam and we both love her immeasurably. After our son was born she suffered post natal depression and feels like she missed out on the first year of our sons life. It is worth noting that we were very far from home and any support at the time. We are close to her family now but my family are not the most helpful bunch.

Now our son is in school 9-3 Mon-Fri and my wife works 20hrs over the weekend. She feels that she has given up her dreams of her perfect job and having more kids. I suggested either re-rolling to finish her own masters or applying for a job which she finds fulfilling. I’d happily support her through either to return the commitment she gave to me.

The reasons I’m on team “no more kids” are many. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and currently in the pipeline for an Autism screening from the same consultant. I struggle with understanding the world and feel most comfortable with routine & predictability. Our son is fantastic and at an age now where he doesn’t need too much input. I found the baby years incredibly frustrating and unsettling and I don’t think I could go through that again. I work long hours with people in pain and feel utterly drained when I get home. I do bath and bed then catch up with my wife.

The intimacy & emotion has all but died over the course of the year. I can not remember the last time my wife sincerely said “I love you” or showed any physical affection like hugs or kisses. I’ve been on the sofa since February when we got a dog and my wife enjoyed sharing the bed with the little one. I recently came back to bed and she would get up in the night & cry saying she felt suffocated & trapped.

She has also said some pretty hurtful things over the previous few months. Most notably she said I’m a terrible husband and dad, although she later admitted she hoped this would make me prove her wrong and have more kids. She says she is repulsed by me and doesn’t want sex as she’s not attracted to me. I’m an athletic 33yr old and feel really hurt by these things. Her main issue is that she doesn’t want to resent us when we’re older as she currently despises me for not giving her another child. Her words verbatim.

With no emotion and feeling utterly defeated I decided to move out and take some time apart. I’m living in my work space and visit our son to do bath & bed and have him on Saturdays for daddy days.

We started a fostering application a few month back and I made my boundaries clear. I would go to work and my wife’s focus would be the kids and house as she would be finishing work. Without warning she stopped the application after seeing what was involved, saying I would never have went through with it.

Our next course of action is a marriage counsellor to raise the problems above. There seems to be no easy way around this. My wife is adamant that she wants another, with or without me, and details how she would do this (donor, one night stand, new partner) which I find incredibly disrespectful talking about whilst we’re still married and trying to save our relationship.

It seems logical to me (but my view of the world can be flawed) that if both parents aren’t 100% committed then not having another child is the sensible thing to do.

To add further my wife now says she can’t afford to have more kids alone and will have to work full time to cover our bills. However, she still despises me and is not comfortable having me back home. She no longer wears her ring and took our wedding photos from the living room. I’ve been out of the house since Friday, it is now Tuesday.

If any of you guys have experienced this or have any advice I’d be open to receiving it.

Thank you for reading.

Your dw's clock is ticking. She has a compelling biological need for another child. Any logical reasoning about money or resource or sickness or anything else are completely irrelevant at this point.

If she really wants another child that much, preventing it will cause profound resentment and will eat away at your marriage. She isn't being difficult, she can't help it. How would you feel if someone tried to prevent you ever having sex again? It's not the same, but close.

It’s not a need, it’s a want. And OP doesn’t owe her another child.

All threads are a one sided story. Just because it’s by a man detailing abusive behaviour by a woman doesn’t make it less likely to true than vice versa.

Exactly.

I do wonder how you can read all the OP and still think the man is wrong.

As I said, he has every right not to want another child.

They want different things from life and no longer have a cohesive marriage. The marriage is over and they need to separate

Your wife needs counselling, she sounds abusive and slightly unhinged. Don't have another child and don't bring a foster child into this situation. It would be unfair.

The wife is clearly telling him the marriage is over. He’s clearly refusing to accept this. Being in a marriage where you are so completely ignored, as OP is ignoring his wife, feels pretty abusive.

This is not a situation if a partner staying and abusing their partner. This is a woman saying and showing ‘ it’s over, get that into your head!’ He’s out of the bed, house, all visible signs of being married removed, she’s talking of having a child with a new partner, AND HE STILL DOES NOT GET IT. Because she and her is invisibility bike to him.

So no, this is clearly not a situation like typical men abusing women. This is clearly different.

It's over

Why when women are the abusers, do some posters tie themselves up in knots, trying to excuse it or blame the man?

Your wife is abusive, you deserve better, make sure you dont have another child with her. She is cruel and unhinged

I can understand why she feels that way if she really wants a child. You're not int he wrong but you need to let her go now.

This seems to be a very toxic relationship and I think she would be better off if you ended the relationship in very many ways. It is clear you no longer want the same things, she really doesn't like you, and it would make sense for you to end the relationship.

Would love to hear her side.

I was thinking the same

I once knew someone who used her husband (who she was repulsed by) to have another baby, so the siblings could be full siblings. Her marriage ended after that.

Your wife sounds toxic.

How much 'input' are YOU actually giving the 4yo?

Sounds to me like she would use you to get pregnant and then break up with you anyway.
The way she speaks to you is vile. Don't settle for a life with someone who treats you this way

You wife needs to come to terms with your choice, you don’t negotiate on children, you always stop when one person says no more.
and please don’t foster, I imagine it’s way harder than raising your own children.

I recently came back to bed and she would get up in the night & cry saying she felt suffocated & trapped.

She sounds absolutely awful but I wonder if she’s suffering with done MH issues.

The fact that you don’t sleep in the same bed and when you did she started crying saying she felt suffocated, but wants another baby with you - is very odd behaviour.

Honestly, it sounds like she is done.
She is just keeping you around as she wants you to get her pregnant and then she’ll want you gone again.

If you are 100% sure you don’t want another child then the only thing you can do is separate properly.

She can then find someone else who does want another child.

I am surprised you’ve put up with this behaviour for so long as of my partner treated me like this it would have been over long ago.

Why when women are the abusers, do some posters tie themselves up in knots, trying to excuse it or blame the man?

I can recall at least 3 different threads where a women has physically assaulted her DH and each time there are posters who try and blame him, even though the OP has admitted he did nothing wrong.

I think your DW is really hurting, grieving the baby she lost last year and trying to fill that hole. What she's doing makes no logical sense, but people can be very irrational when they are in emotional pain.

All the same, she has been treating you terribly lately. The things she has said cannot be unsaid. It does seem like she is trying to drive you away. The fact she is suffering doesn't mean she gets to hurt you like this.

If she is still willing to go to counseling together, it could be helpful in achieving an amicable separation so you can both move on and also help your son through this tough time.

She sounds really cruel. Do not bring another child into this! I'm really sorry you're having to deal with it.

Yet she’s still banging on about having a baby with him. It’s not him who’s not getting it.

Some women on here are dumb and cannot accept that some women are batshit crazy. If a guy can be nuts, so can a women.

In this situation, she clearly has mental health issues and thinks a baby will fix things for her. It won't. Her previous history of pnd will likely make things worse as it will probably happen again unfortunately. She can't be that deeply repulsed by him or think him a shit father if she's willing to have a child with him, but it's difficult to say if she has checked out or if this is depression talking. The loss of her second baby has devastated her in ways her husband isn't aware I think, and she won't be honest about it. I would imagine she wasn't this cruel before they had their first child so she has changed and that's usually a mental health problem causing it. It's a shame she isn't aware or willing to admit it as she is going to lose her marriage and probably still won't end up with a second child anyway. She needs a lot of help.

Wow. For this, I really think you don’t need an internet jury telling you whether or not you’re reasonable. You and your wife need a therapist to work out what if anything can be salvaged from this.

Putting aside the apparent toxicity of your relationship, she wants another child very much indeed. You don't. That in itself doesn't make either of you unreasonable but it does make you incompatible in the long-term. Unfortunately this sort of decision is not the sort of one the 'loser' gets over but generally causes ongoing resentment.

Why because it's a man?