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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner nearly died yesterday and my reaction scared me

95 replies

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 11:40

Partner and I have been together for 14 year with a 4 year old daughter.
Usual stuff here as I thought we were perfect together prior to our DD birth but her arrival uncovered a side of him that not only surprised but disappointed me as well. Short story...not only I felt as a single mother emotionally but financially too for the first 14 months of her life due to the advise and support of his parents but upset at him for putting his parents above me and DD.It was only when I was diagnosed with stress and anxiety, due to the bullying of his mother, that things changed. First I went NC myself but still letting them have contact with DD.But when life change decisions were made between my partner and his parents, regarding DD, without my knowledge, I decided full NC was required. Fast forward 2 years and partner is still blaming me for upsetting his parents and not letting my DD have a relationship with them( despite plenty of evidence that having his mother around would harm DD not only physically but emotionally too and him refusing to even talk to her).
Partner works a job where you poke the devil every time you are out.Accidents are rare and unheard of but as yesterday proved, when they do happen they are life changing. Since our DD arrival he has been slow sorting will, life insurance, etc...despite my pleas over recent years.If yesterday had gone the wrong way, myself and DD were to be left in a precarious situation( he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords and worst of all the person in charge of overseeing his will is his dad...and I guess the person aware of everything in case of an accident).
My first thought when he told me, through a msg, was not one of comforting or worry but one of numbness and angriness.
A few hours later when we got together I gave him an ultimatum... either he gets his shit right and decides once and for all where is loyalty lies with or me and DD will leave...I am being unreasonable or this last couple of years are finally taking a tool on me and this is my make or break moment?

OP posts:
user443741922 · 04/10/2022 11:42

Good for you OP!!!
Hopefully he makes the correct decision and sorts his shit out.

MuddlerInLaw · 04/10/2022 11:47

he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords

But why are you allowing this?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2022 11:47

You’ve had a huge shock and I do think once dust settled it’s time to have a frank conversation.
Is he aware how vulnerable you and his child potentially are.
He’s not being a good dad if he leaves his daughter destitute if he dies.
CAB has a decent guide marriage v cohabitation and is probably a good starting point of things go think about eg death in service nomination, pension nomination, has he got life insurance as you won’t qualify for ‘widows allowance’, easy access to money if he dies etc.
Ultimately if he won’t then you know where you stand and need to make decisions that protect you and your child.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2022 11:53

The only real protection is marriage because everything else can be changed. The only will that can't be is a mutual will. He's never really separated from his parents and set up family with you, he's got a foot in each camp.

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 11:54

It's clear that you're not happy with him. If my husband nearly died, I'd be relieved he was alive, not annoyed and making ultimatums. Why are you bothering staying with him?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 04/10/2022 11:57

You did the right thing, do you have a plan in place to follow through? A specific time limit?

Georgeskitchen · 04/10/2022 11:57

I'm assuming you're not married. You absolutely must get tough with him regarding his interfering parents and his financial affairs. You need access to the passwords, he needs to take away any access from his father. Pension, death in service benefits need to be thrashed out properly. The last thing you need is to be left penniless with a child if he dies. Surely he can't want this either for his child

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 04/10/2022 12:00

If I were you I would start looking out for myself, rather than waiting for him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do. Why would you leave yourself vulnerable to a man who clearly has no plans to prioritise you? Get a job if you don't have one, put away emergency savings and make a get out plan.

Puppers · 04/10/2022 12:05

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 11:54

It's clear that you're not happy with him. If my husband nearly died, I'd be relieved he was alive, not annoyed and making ultimatums. Why are you bothering staying with him?

That's a very romantic and simplistic view. Of course she is angry; he could have left her and their daughter destitute and at the mercy of an abusive relative. Presumably that's not the case in your setup so it's utterly irrelevant what you would do.

Musti · 04/10/2022 12:11

I would wonder why after 14 years and a child you’re not married and you don’t have any access to finances etc. Yanbu. Did you want to get married? Do you understand the protection it gives you?

Original poster
Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:12

I came into this relationship with nothing while he already had a mortgage and comes from money. To avoid being labelled a gold digger I insisted we kept our finances separate but when pregnant thought things would/should change ...that never came. We do have a shared bank account but he still pretty much sees his money as his and not something that is for the family ( does it count if we use it but at the end of the day it is still in his name and his name only?)

Sometimes I have the feeling he is betting me staying because I have no family around...my family is abroad. Others I feel all of this is just a way of telling me I have done my job providing him with a child and now I am free to go...without DD of course!!

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 12:16

I’m sorry but why are you still with him - you’ve let yourself be walked all over.

Read back what you’ve written - you blame his parents for things but he is the constant in all of it - he is the problem!

Do you work?
Are you married?

You need to start protecting yourself and your DD.

What would happen if he decided to leave you tomorrow?
Him dying is the least of your worries.

Musti · 04/10/2022 12:17

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:12

I came into this relationship with nothing while he already had a mortgage and comes from money. To avoid being labelled a gold digger I insisted we kept our finances separate but when pregnant thought things would/should change ...that never came. We do have a shared bank account but he still pretty much sees his money as his and not something that is for the family ( does it count if we use it but at the end of the day it is still in his name and his name only?)

Sometimes I have the feeling he is betting me staying because I have no family around...my family is abroad. Others I feel all of this is just a way of telling me I have done my job providing him with a child and now I am free to go...without DD of course!!

So do you own the house too or is everything in his name? What have you been doing with your income during the last 14 years? How have the bills etc been split?

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2022 12:18

So his father is the executor of his will? Have you seen the will - are you sure that you and your daughter are beneficiaries?

altmember · 04/10/2022 12:23

Whole post sounds a bit over dramatic somehow. What's his job, bomb disposal?

Crazykatie · 04/10/2022 12:23

Protection Life Insurance is cheap £5-10 a month unless there is some special risk
Dont let them sell you Investment Life Insurance that is much more.

Use a UK company some overseas companies use high pressure selling

Original poster
Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:25

Musti · 04/10/2022 12:17

So do you own the house too or is everything in his name? What have you been doing with your income during the last 14 years? How have the bills etc been split?

Show quote history

House is in his name as he bought it before we got together... but I have paid half of the bills since moving in. Despite that he never wanted to sell the house and get a mortgage together as per his parents advise.

OP posts:
cooolio · 04/10/2022 12:31

You've paid half of his bills and mortgage and don't know your own passwords?

Well that was stupid. What if his near death experience makes him rethink and he wants to separate? You won't be able to stop the grandparents seeing your daughter then and you'll be out on your arse.

cooolio · 04/10/2022 12:32

Stop blaming his parents. He's an adult and you could've made different decisions too.

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 12:34

Do you work OP?
Or have any income of your own?

phishy · 04/10/2022 12:34

So in your anxiousness to not appear a gold digger, you've put yourself in a precarious situation.

Instead of generalised statements like asking him to say where his loyalty lies, you need to spell out clearly what you want to do. Do you want to marry him so you will be entitled to half of assets? Do you want him to put the house in your name? Do you want access the bank account passwords?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2022 12:35

You are very vulnerable Op. If he had died yesterday then no you wouldn’t have access to his account in his name. Who has he left his house go in his will? Potentially homeless too. Sounds like no love lost between you and his relatives so they may have frozen you out the funeral arrangements and thrown you out.
You need proper legal advice.

dworky · 04/10/2022 12:35

MuddlerInLaw · 04/10/2022 11:47

he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords

But why are you allowing this?

Because OP is being coecively controlled.

Please leave this abuser x

CosyDarkNights · 04/10/2022 12:36

You've been together 14 years, why aren't you married? It's not like you found yourself pregnant a month into the relationship, why didn't you get married in those first 10 years and then have a child? Seems silly putting yourself in this position I assume by choice? Getting married isn't about having a fancy day, it's about protecting yourself in the event of separation or death too. Get a will sorted ASAP (or make sure it is up to date on both sides), can't believe you haven't sorted all this a decade ago.

CheezePleeze · 04/10/2022 12:37

So you've been paying half of his mortgage for the last 14 years and have nothing to show for it?