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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner nearly died yesterday and my reaction scared me

95 replies

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 11:40

Partner and I have been together for 14 year with a 4 year old daughter.
Usual stuff here as I thought we were perfect together prior to our DD birth but her arrival uncovered a side of him that not only surprised but disappointed me as well. Short story...not only I felt as a single mother emotionally but financially too for the first 14 months of her life due to the advise and support of his parents but upset at him for putting his parents above me and DD.It was only when I was diagnosed with stress and anxiety, due to the bullying of his mother, that things changed. First I went NC myself but still letting them have contact with DD.But when life change decisions were made between my partner and his parents, regarding DD, without my knowledge, I decided full NC was required. Fast forward 2 years and partner is still blaming me for upsetting his parents and not letting my DD have a relationship with them( despite plenty of evidence that having his mother around would harm DD not only physically but emotionally too and him refusing to even talk to her).
Partner works a job where you poke the devil every time you are out.Accidents are rare and unheard of but as yesterday proved, when they do happen they are life changing. Since our DD arrival he has been slow sorting will, life insurance, etc...despite my pleas over recent years.If yesterday had gone the wrong way, myself and DD were to be left in a precarious situation( he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords and worst of all the person in charge of overseeing his will is his dad...and I guess the person aware of everything in case of an accident).
My first thought when he told me, through a msg, was not one of comforting or worry but one of numbness and angriness.
A few hours later when we got together I gave him an ultimatum... either he gets his shit right and decides once and for all where is loyalty lies with or me and DD will leave...I am being unreasonable or this last couple of years are finally taking a tool on me and this is my make or break moment?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 04/10/2022 12:37

I'd tell him to sort his shit out now or when he dies his parents will have fuck all to with their grandchild. You won't have any reason to keep in contact with people who are nasty to you. Have you been giving him half the mortgage amount? I really hope you've been saving up for your own property along the way.

ICanHideButICantRun · 04/10/2022 12:38

You won't change this man - the only thing you can do is to leave. He will happily see you left with absolutely nothing. His toxic parents will make sure you didn't get a penny. You have stood up to them - they will never forgive that.

It's good that you've had this moment of clarity as you could have spent several more years with this controlling man.

CheezePleeze · 04/10/2022 12:39

BadNomad · 04/10/2022 12:37

I'd tell him to sort his shit out now or when he dies his parents will have fuck all to with their grandchild. You won't have any reason to keep in contact with people who are nasty to you. Have you been giving him half the mortgage amount? I really hope you've been saving up for your own property along the way.

I'd tell him to sort his shit out now or when he dies his parents will have fuck all to with their grandchild.

That's not a decision for the OP as the child gets older though.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2022 12:39

It’s not as simple as get married though he has to want to and it sounds like he doesn’t and wants to protect his assets (whether that’s because of his family or not is irrelevant).
Please get some advice Op and act in your own best interests.

CCC2 · 04/10/2022 12:50

My partner died by suicide a few years ago. We were not married which was his choice. I fought with him many times to try to get him to understand how vulnerable me and the kids were should anything happen to him. The house was also in his name as he had bought it prior to our meeting. Forward 3 years I'm a single mother to our 2 young kids. No widows pension and a fortune in legal fees to sort out the mess he left behind.
Honestly I should never have let it get that far. I should have left him when he refused to get his shit together.
Don't be a fool like me.

rogueone · 04/10/2022 12:52

lodge an interest in the shared home seeing how you have lived in it for years and contributed financially.

You have left yourself very vulnerable as your not married and arent on the mortgage. Before setting ultimatums have you thought about how your going to support yourself and child? He can stop you from returning abroad to your family too.

steff13 · 04/10/2022 12:52

If yesterday had gone the wrong way, myself and DD were to be left in a precarious situation

I think you're in a precarious situation regardless. I'd be tempted to move out with your daughter.

Purplefoxes · 04/10/2022 12:57

Oh OP I think his near death experience has brought your head finally out of the sand. Everything is on your boyfriends terms. You are not married and therefore have zero claim on the house you and your daughter live in and pay to upkeep. Basically you have been giving him free money for a long time. Do you even love him? How cushy for him, a housekeeper and childminder who pays him for the pleasure?!! Start putting your child first because her future is far from secure at the moment. I would get a job if you haven't already and start putting money away. Or if there is no love there or prospect of marriage or similar legal financial arrangement best to leave and start again. You've sunk a lot of costs into this relationship and sadly have not a lot to show for it, that will make it feel even harder for you if you want to leave. But that doesn't mean you should carry on and sink even more costs into this dead end situation as you won't get any of it back!! If he had died you would quite likely have lost your and your daughter's home (bet you are not on the will!) And possibley your in law's would use this as an excuse to try to move in as your daughter's main carer! It's a financially abusive situation, it's not normal to keep financial stuff secret between couples it's a sign of a big problem and a power imbalance. It does feel like he has you trapped because if you do leave, he can expose the daughter to the abusive grandparents on his time. But there is not a lot you can do about that as far as I'm aware. Eventually she will be able to vote with her feet when she realises what is going on.

diddl · 04/10/2022 12:59

Tbh it sounds as if he is a shit parent & partner.

Hopefully his daughter will be provided for but it seems that you need to look after yourself.

HerculesMulligan · 04/10/2022 12:59

altmember · 04/10/2022 12:23

Whole post sounds a bit over dramatic somehow. What's his job, bomb disposal?

Firefighter?

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 13:00

Puppers · 04/10/2022 12:05

That's a very romantic and simplistic view. Of course she is angry; he could have left her and their daughter destitute and at the mercy of an abusive relative. Presumably that's not the case in your setup so it's utterly irrelevant what you would do.

Show quote history

Er, she's posting on an open forum site asking if shes being unreasonable to not be concerned he nearly died but instead angry...
was not one of comforting or worry but one of numbness and angriness.
And if she should leave him?
last couple of years are finally taking a toll on me and this is my make or break moment?
So why am I not allowed to give my opinion?

Nothing she has written since my post has changed my opinion that she's not happy and she should leave him. It's irrelevant to me whether you agree with me or not

Whataretheodds · 04/10/2022 13:07

We do have a shared bank account but he still pretty much sees his money as his and not something that is for the family ( does it count if we use it but at the end of the day it is still in his name and his name only?)
At the end of the day it is his money. If he died you would be out on your ear. If he changed his mind one day you would be out on your ear.

Are you ok with this? If so, why?
Do you work? Where do your wages go?
You're right to be angry but it is on you if you now don't address the situation.

oakleaffy · 04/10/2022 13:07

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 11:54

It's clear that you're not happy with him. If my husband nearly died, I'd be relieved he was alive, not annoyed and making ultimatums. Why are you bothering staying with him?

Agreed.
@Prettylittlesunflower You clearly don’t love him if your reaction was like this.
I had a shock phone call once about a loved one, ( Mercifully it was a mistake by police) but it took me over a day to get over the physical rush of adrenaline that caused pain in my body, and the cry that tore from my throat .

You don’t love him, let him go.

whynotwhatknot · 04/10/2022 13:09

Youve left yourself really vulerable -i would insist on having a legal interest in the house and look at his will to see if your a beneficiary-he seems to care more about his money and what his parents think than you

if not then make plans to leave

BEAM123 · 04/10/2022 13:09

As others have said, both you and your daughter are financially vulnerable and it sounds like a situation of financial abse, whether he realises it is abusive or not, he is controlling your financial wellbeing.

So because you didn't come from money to start with, you have been kept like someone who is less deserving all these years? Even though you have a child together? That is shit.

I strongly suggest you take out life insurance on him. He doesn't need to do it, and if he does it might just go to his will and be part of his estate. But you can take out your own insurance on him, I think he has to know about it but you can arrange it, so it pays out to you.

Wills can be changed anyway so if he shows you a will with you written into it, it means nothing, he could write a different will the next day. The only thing that would protect you is marriage.
What about pension, have you been working full time and have your own pension?

First step, take out life insurance on him. Also consider loss of earnings /accident insurance.

Next step: work out what you want and invest in your own life and financial security, and that of your daughter. As she gets older she will of course make her own choices about his parents, you can't avoid that forever.

RenovationNightmare · 04/10/2022 13:16

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:25

House is in his name as he bought it before we got together... but I have paid half of the bills since moving in. Despite that he never wanted to sell the house and get a mortgage together as per his parents advise.

Show quote history

When you say you paid half the bills, do you mean gas, electric, water and council tax? Or do you also mean half the mortgage payment as well?

musingsinmidlife · 04/10/2022 13:22

The fact that your husband almost died and you don't give a rat's ass about him is a sign you need to move on. Your only concern is him not having his shit together. Your marriage is over. He shouldn't be with someone who doesn't care if he is alive or dead and you shouldn't be with someone whose life has zero value for you.

It is over. Move on.

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2022 13:25

musingsinmidlife · 04/10/2022 13:22

The fact that your husband almost died and you don't give a rat's ass about him is a sign you need to move on. Your only concern is him not having his shit together. Your marriage is over. He shouldn't be with someone who doesn't care if he is alive or dead and you shouldn't be with someone whose life has zero value for you.

It is over. Move on.

I think the pertinent issue here is that he is NOT her husband. Legally, he is a random stranger. Him dying would leave her homeless and without access to money, because he has been actively keeping her from accessing it.

I don't think that the plunging feeling she felt in her stomach when the reality of that hit her yesterday qualifies as not giving a "rat's ass" but finally realising that he does not give, and never has given, a rat's ass about HER.

beenwhereyouare · 04/10/2022 13:27

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2022 13:25

I think the pertinent issue here is that he is NOT her husband. Legally, he is a random stranger. Him dying would leave her homeless and without access to money, because he has been actively keeping her from accessing it.

I don't think that the plunging feeling she felt in her stomach when the reality of that hit her yesterday qualifies as not giving a "rat's ass" but finally realising that he does not give, and never has given, a rat's ass about HER.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/10/2022 13:28

You need to sit him down and tell him that you want to be on the ownership of the house, to be the executor of his will, and to know the passwords and have equal control of the financial stuff.

Take control. Make him understand that you are serious about this.

His loyalty should be to you and his dch now, above his loyalty to his parents.

user1471538283 · 04/10/2022 13:30

Oh my word I would be beside myself. If he had died you would have access to no money and probably no home.

I would either get married to him (if you still want to do this) or insist that you see sight of provisions for your DD should he die. I would also aggressively start getting my own money together.

user1471538283 · 04/10/2022 13:31

@astoundedgoat - exactly! My blood ran cold just thinking about this realization for the OP.

Discovereads · 04/10/2022 13:31

I voted YABU not for your internal reaction but this:
”A few hours later when we got together I gave him an ultimatum... either he gets his shit right and decides once and for all where is loyalty lies with or me and DD will leave.”

He almost dies in an accident and the first thing you say to him is an ultimatum? That is extraordinarily callous not to mention so vague it’s a carte blanche that no one in their right mind would ever agree to it. If he says his loyalty is with you and you say, right prove it sell your house and we’re all moving to my home country…you could literally demand anything off the back of that loyalty promise.

I agree with pp. You’ve put yourself in a vulnerable position and this accident & your reaction is a wake up call that your relationship is dead, has been dead for quite some time. To feel anger when you hear your partner is not dead…as a pp say you don’t give a rats ass about him. So he probably feels the same way about you..the fact your finances are separate also show it too.

You need to get legal advice on how to breakup the relationship . As a pp said, you won’t be able to just leave with DD to your home country. You’d have to apply to courts to allow taking her with you.

theemmadilemma · 04/10/2022 13:34

You are not being unreasonable.

We don't have children which add another huge level of responsibility on his side, but (long story very short) 2 examples are when we bought our current house it was in his name only and he had a will ready and sorted leaving me everything the moment the exchange happened in case anything happened to him on the long drive to the new house. Or when he went away recently and transferred all his personal savings to our joint account in case anything happened while he was away and I needed access to money quickly.

These are examples of someone who cares about the person they are with.

justasking111 · 04/10/2022 13:34

@Prettylittlesunflower are you married under UK law?

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