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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner nearly died yesterday and my reaction scared me

95 replies

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 11:40

Partner and I have been together for 14 year with a 4 year old daughter.
Usual stuff here as I thought we were perfect together prior to our DD birth but her arrival uncovered a side of him that not only surprised but disappointed me as well. Short story...not only I felt as a single mother emotionally but financially too for the first 14 months of her life due to the advise and support of his parents but upset at him for putting his parents above me and DD.It was only when I was diagnosed with stress and anxiety, due to the bullying of his mother, that things changed. First I went NC myself but still letting them have contact with DD.But when life change decisions were made between my partner and his parents, regarding DD, without my knowledge, I decided full NC was required. Fast forward 2 years and partner is still blaming me for upsetting his parents and not letting my DD have a relationship with them( despite plenty of evidence that having his mother around would harm DD not only physically but emotionally too and him refusing to even talk to her).
Partner works a job where you poke the devil every time you are out.Accidents are rare and unheard of but as yesterday proved, when they do happen they are life changing. Since our DD arrival he has been slow sorting will, life insurance, etc...despite my pleas over recent years.If yesterday had gone the wrong way, myself and DD were to be left in a precarious situation( he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords and worst of all the person in charge of overseeing his will is his dad...and I guess the person aware of everything in case of an accident).
My first thought when he told me, through a msg, was not one of comforting or worry but one of numbness and angriness.
A few hours later when we got together I gave him an ultimatum... either he gets his shit right and decides once and for all where is loyalty lies with or me and DD will leave...I am being unreasonable or this last couple of years are finally taking a tool on me and this is my make or break moment?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2022 13:36

rogueone · 04/10/2022 12:52

lodge an interest in the shared home seeing how you have lived in it for years and contributed financially.

You have left yourself very vulnerable as your not married and arent on the mortgage. Before setting ultimatums have you thought about how your going to support yourself and child? He can stop you from returning abroad to your family too.

Establishing a beneficial interest in a property is very difficult to do. Op would need to get specialist legal advice. Paying towards bills isn’t enough. She also can’t register rights to stop her being thrown out (that’s a protection for married people where house in spouses sole name)

cooolio · 04/10/2022 13:37

@justasking111 she's pretty clear that he's her "partner" and everything is separate

FlorettaB · 04/10/2022 13:39

It’s an understandable reaction. You’re vulnerable and he hasn’t shown any interest in protecting you financially. I’m assuming that he’ll have some kind of death in service benefit that’s signed over to his parents and that the house you live in with your DD (with any mortgage paid off by life insurance) would go to his parents.

If you have paid half the mortgage for 14 years you may have acquired some rights to the equity in the house - you could see a solicitor about beneficial interest.

IsAinmDummm · 04/10/2022 13:41

I'm guessing you're not married, which aside from the money aspect gives you no say in his medical treatment if he does get seriously injured. And god forbid if he died you could lose your home.

musingsinmidlife · 04/10/2022 13:46

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2022 13:25

I think the pertinent issue here is that he is NOT her husband. Legally, he is a random stranger. Him dying would leave her homeless and without access to money, because he has been actively keeping her from accessing it.

I don't think that the plunging feeling she felt in her stomach when the reality of that hit her yesterday qualifies as not giving a "rat's ass" but finally realising that he does not give, and never has given, a rat's ass about HER.

Show quote history

Even better to reason to leave. If neither care in the slightest about the other and would only be thinking about money if the other died - even better reason to move on. She is just as much a competent adult as he is. She is responsible for herself and the situation she has chosen to be in and staying with someone because of what he can give you when you couldn't care less if he died - time to make adult decisions and change your circumstances.

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2022 13:51

Do you pay half the mortgage?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2022 13:53

I was on another similar thread and someone quite sensibly pointed out that ‘partner’ blurs issues - talk of shared bank account and our home - it’s not it’s his.
If you swap partner for friend you realise how vulnerable you are.
Eg I’ve been staying in a friends house for years and he lets me use his bank card. He died in a car crash last night. His mum hates me and wants me out tomorrow but I’ve nowhere to go and no money. She’s arranged for him to be buried with full catholic rites but he wanted a humanist cremation. Answer tough it’s her call she’s his next of kin. Change it to ‘partner’ and answer is the same.
I can imagine your head is spinning with what ifs.

DaughterofDawn · 04/10/2022 13:55

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:12

I came into this relationship with nothing while he already had a mortgage and comes from money. To avoid being labelled a gold digger I insisted we kept our finances separate but when pregnant thought things would/should change ...that never came. We do have a shared bank account but he still pretty much sees his money as his and not something that is for the family ( does it count if we use it but at the end of the day it is still in his name and his name only?)

Sometimes I have the feeling he is betting me staying because I have no family around...my family is abroad. Others I feel all of this is just a way of telling me I have done my job providing him with a child and now I am free to go...without DD of course!!

Trying to avoid being a hold digger is one thing... Maybe the first year or two... But 5+ years? Lol

Well congratulations you're not a gold digger. You've proved yourself worthy.

That's all I can really say...

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/10/2022 13:55

OP, are you a British citizen? If not, can you take steps to become one? Because if you are not , and your partner is , you might find things even more difficult in the case of a split or accident. I think you may find it easier as you have a child born in the UK, but if marriage is out of the question, I would advise you to consult an immigration lawyer asap. The government website would seem to indicate that you have several reasons to be able to claim a right to remain.

Aprilx · 04/10/2022 13:56

Prettylittlesunflower · 04/10/2022 12:25

House is in his name as he bought it before we got together... but I have paid half of the bills since moving in. Despite that he never wanted to sell the house and get a mortgage together as per his parents advise.

Show quote history

If my husband nearly died yesterday, I would only be glad that he didn’t. There is something seriously wrong if you think otherwise. It does sound like you are sleepwalking through all this though and not taking any responsibility for yourself. And for gods sake will you learn the difference between a mortgage and a house deed. This is like you moaning because he took a car loan out and didn’t put you on the loan agreement whilst not caring whether you own the car or not.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 04/10/2022 13:57

Might be worth pointing out to him and his miserly parents that people from GOOD families of good social standing/money and class don't begrudge marrying the mother of their children or ensuring they are provided for should the worst happen.
Graceless oaf.

MelodyPondsMum · 04/10/2022 13:57

I don't know why your reaction scared you. There is nothing in your post about liking or caring for your DP. It's all about arguments and boundaries and being NC with his family. The entire relationship sounds toxic.
Go to CAB and get some advice particularly regarding the house and the payments you have made towards bills, etc. Make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss wills and tell your DP if he doesn't attend, then you'll need to take steps to safeguard your and DD's financial futures.
Fwiw if my DP had an accident and my first thought was about his money, I'd be reconsidering why I was with him. It's not that money isn't important. It is. But it really shouldn't be the first thought when someone you love nearly dies.

WrongWayApricot · 04/10/2022 14:01

It shouldn't have taken 14 years to have this realisation. You say you thought he would share money when you had a baby, but even that was 4 years ago. It shouldn't take an accident at work to notice that you have no house and no money for the last 14 years.

I don't get how you can say it was perfect for 10 years, it was perfect trying to not be a gold digger and thus leaving yourself financially vulnerable?

I think you should end it because your reaction was unreasonable. It's not normal to be cross at a loved one because of your financial choices when they've just narrowly escaped death.

You pretended to not care about money to keep a man that obviously wants to be with someone who doesn't care about money. He hasn't changed who he is but you've changed who you are in his eyes. He's never given a shit and for 10 years you pretended to like that. I'd be angry with myself for spending over a decade cultivating this nonsense.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/10/2022 14:06

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 11:54

It's clear that you're not happy with him. If my husband nearly died, I'd be relieved he was alive, not annoyed and making ultimatums. Why are you bothering staying with him?

I see what you are saying, but I don't think its that outlandish.
I think it's irresponsible to have children without making at least some provision for them should the worst happen.
She probably didn't think about it much before but was then faced with the grim reality of the situation.
If someone nearly dies, you can't help thinking about what would happen if you did, and OP's first thought was how unprotected she and her DD were. What would happen to your children is a perfectly normal first thought - its how life insurance salesmen sell their policies.
And then you would think, why didn't they care enough about us to protect us?

That probably led to her re-evaluating her relationship and seeing it in a new light. It doesn't mean she's not relieved that he's still alive - just that she's had a shock thinking about what might have happened to them both if he had died.
Is it an ultimatum to say now that you've seen what could have happened, are you willing to change that?

She may well find that he's never thought about it, some people can't handle thinking along those lines. But now that he's seen for himself what could happen without warning. Perhaps he will see that it's only fair to DD and to his partner to give them some kind of security. But if he wasn't willing to do that - that would influence whether a person stays under those circumstances or left to make their own way.

It looks like OP is expecting resistance and there is a backstory with his parents having all his financial and emergency details. With a four-year-old in the picture, who would put up with that?

goodnighthunny · 04/10/2022 14:06

The only real protection is marriage

This is the truth. It astounds me that so few women are able to see this despite the acres of threads on MN in which is is made very, very clear.

OP, you have no rights at all because you are not married. So your husband would not do you a favour by dying. The only good move I ever made with my ex husband was marrying the bastard.

Fingeronthebutton · 04/10/2022 14:06

Sometimes I wonder why I bothered campaigning and fighting for womens rights all these years ( from the 60s)
I hope you and daughter come out of this situation ok, but honestly I don’t have any sympathy.

CovertImage · 04/10/2022 14:08

he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords

But why are you allowing this?

Because OP is being coercively controlled

This is bullshit and is thrown out randomly on just about any relationship thread. She's confident enough to have gone NC with his family against his wishes. Women CAN have agency and not have their actions controlled by someone else - sometimes they just make shit decisions.

Wetblanket78 · 04/10/2022 14:08

I was in a controling relationship like this. We never had a joint account though. I had to ask for every single penny for daily essentials. I got out when my children were young and they have special needs. My son's health visitor helped and advised me with benefits etc. I did get some help with family to pack up our things. But most of it I did off my own back.

RobertsRadio · 04/10/2022 14:11

WrongWayApricot · 04/10/2022 14:01

It shouldn't have taken 14 years to have this realisation. You say you thought he would share money when you had a baby, but even that was 4 years ago. It shouldn't take an accident at work to notice that you have no house and no money for the last 14 years.

I don't get how you can say it was perfect for 10 years, it was perfect trying to not be a gold digger and thus leaving yourself financially vulnerable?

I think you should end it because your reaction was unreasonable. It's not normal to be cross at a loved one because of your financial choices when they've just narrowly escaped death.

You pretended to not care about money to keep a man that obviously wants to be with someone who doesn't care about money. He hasn't changed who he is but you've changed who you are in his eyes. He's never given a shit and for 10 years you pretended to like that. I'd be angry with myself for spending over a decade cultivating this nonsense.

I totally agree with all of this.

user29 · 04/10/2022 14:20

But when life change decisions were made between my partner and his parents, regarding DD, without my knowledge, I decided full NC was required. Fast forward 2 years and partner is still blaming me for upsetting his parents and not letting my DD have a relationship with them( despite plenty of evidence that having his mother around would harm DD not only physically but emotionally too and him refusing to even talk to her)*

what was the 'life changing' decision for a 4 year old, that would harm her physically? The only thing i can think of that would justify such dtamatic language is FGM😱

OperaStation · 04/10/2022 14:23

MuddlerInLaw · 04/10/2022 11:47

he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords

But why are you allowing this?

Exactly my question.

cooolio · 04/10/2022 14:23

@user29 that's a very good point. Why on earth would you stay after that?

Fingeronthebutton · 04/10/2022 14:23

User29
Exactly my immediate thought 😡

Whydidimarryhim · 04/10/2022 14:28

He’s a mummy’s boy - you need to run run run - he’s not committed to you - you don’t share anything - he’s tight with money - his parents are abusive - do you have any real life support - can you go and stay with your family for a holiday? I hope you leave him and I’d claim maintenance from him.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/10/2022 14:45

I'm fairly sure that had worse cone to the worst no matter what he put in his will or who he put in charge of it that as your dd is a dependant child that it could be challenged and the court would make provision for her . But as for yourself l'm not entirely sure with not being married.
Sounds like coercive control and financial abuse .Call Women's aid and get some advice when he's not around .