Partner nearly died yesterday and my reaction scared me

[Prettylittlesunflower]

Partner and I have been together for 14 year with a 4 year old daughter.
Usual stuff here as I thought we were perfect together prior to our DD birth but her arrival uncovered a side of him that not only surprised but disappointed me as well. Short story...not only I felt as a single mother emotionally but financially too for the first 14 months of her life due to the advise and support of his parents but upset at him for putting his parents above me and DD.It was only when I was diagnosed with stress and anxiety, due to the bullying of his mother, that things changed. First I went NC myself but still letting them have contact with DD.But when life change decisions were made between my partner and his parents, regarding DD, without my knowledge, I decided full NC was required. Fast forward 2 years and partner is still blaming me for upsetting his parents and not letting my DD have a relationship with them( despite plenty of evidence that having his mother around would harm DD not only physically but emotionally too and him refusing to even talk to her).
Partner works a job where you poke the devil every time you are out.Accidents are rare and unheard of but as yesterday proved, when they do happen they are life changing. Since our DD arrival he has been slow sorting will, life insurance, etc...despite my pleas over recent years.If yesterday had gone the wrong way, myself and DD were to be left in a precarious situation( he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords and worst of all the person in charge of overseeing his will is his dad...and I guess the person aware of everything in case of an accident).
My first thought when he told me, through a msg, was not one of comforting or worry but one of numbness and angriness.
A few hours later when we got together I gave him an ultimatum... either he gets his shit right and decides once and for all where is loyalty lies with or me and DD will leave...I am being unreasonable or this last couple of years are finally taking a tool on me and this is my make or break moment?

You have done the right thing. He needs to get his affairs on order and make yourself and your DD a priority if he dies.
If he is not willing to do this, it just shows what he truly thinks of you. (It's bad enough he would be doing it under duress, he should want you to be left in the best possible situation if anything happens to you)

I very rarely say this but I really would leave him. I couldn't be worth someone who doesn't want the best for me and definitely not putting their child first.

what was the 'life changing' decision for a 4 year old, that would harm her physically? The only thing i can think of that would justify such dtamatic language is FGM

Exactly my thinking too!

Are you married? I ask because that offers you certain rights and protections that you wouldn’t have if you’re not married. If you’re not married you are in a difficult position if anything happens to him as his parents may be the next of kin and have all the rights. You’d need to get advice on how you can ensure that, if anything happened to him, you would have access to his money, you’d be able to remain in your home, and you could use the money as you see fit to raise your child without the in-laws laying claim to everything.

Well done for using the reaction for some realisation and an ultimatum. Definitely follow through, you deserve some happiness. He’ll regret it when you’re gone. Some MILs are just bonkers.

what was the 'life changing' decision for a 4 year old, that would harm her physically
going by the other batshit threads, possibly taking the child out for a walk when they were poorly.

I don't know if this poster is real, or just a wind up, but if the spouse almost died and the OP thought it appropriate to issue him an ultimatum - well I'd hope he'd see this relationships way past its end date.

So as a recent widow myself if he dies you might lose your home (or only be able to stay in it until it goes to your child), you’ll get no government support unless you’re married, you won’t be getting anything out of your ‘joint’ account unless your name is on it, even if you’re in the will your in laws sound like they would contest it leaving you with nothing, they will decide everything for his funeral and what happens to his ashes if he’s cremated and so much more. Grief brings out the worst in people.

My DH would have done anything for me and DC but we still weren’t prepared when it became a reality.

Get new wills with someone impartial as executor. Get life insurance and ill health cover. Plan your funerals. Decide where your child goes if something happens to you both. Getting married would also be a good idea if you want to be with him!

You're in deep shit, sorry.

You've paid half the mortgage and bills but nothing in your name? Are you an idiot?

he is in charge of everything computer wise and I don't have any access to passwords

You are not his servant. Are you?

Why would you put up with this?

You need legal advice and fast. Please see a solicitor. I think you can get a free 30 min consultation first off.

Ironic that you realise you are “allowed to give your opinion” but that you feel others aren’t allowed to do the same in regards to your comment. Also on an open forum 😉

If you're not married you're screwed OP. I'd act as if you were single and not rely on him for a single thing.

Seek legal advice about leaving him.

Register a claim against the house.

Good luck.

OP you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position. There's absolutely no point begging or pleading or expecting him to do the right thing. It seems that he has carefully set up his finances and will with the express intention that you won't benefit. You made a massive mistake choosing this man to have children with, without the legal protection of marriage.

Instead of pointlessly waiting for him to have a complete change of personality, you would be far better to leave him and forge some financial independence for yourself. Every month you wait it will be harder to do so. Your biggest asset is time. He will leave you with nothing.

Chancellor of the Exchequer?

I think her reaction was perfectly reasonable considering he is obviously financially abusing her and possibly physically abusing their daughter. Hard to say considering OP'S vague language around what constitutes life changing decisions. Maybe they got her ears pierced? Maybe something more sinister. No idea... But it is concerning...

Actually reading your comment reminded me of an old passed friend who was literally in this exact situation and then it turned out he had an entire second family. Wife and three kids and everything. I don't know how this man juggled an ENTIRE FAMILY without her noticing but she found out after he died and left her and her two children with nothing.

Not only were they mourning their dirtbag of a father and husband but they had to clear out their home for the other family to move into because it was no longer theirs. They got the life insurance, the car, everything that had value was now in their name and she had to move in with her parents and get three jobs to support her children and get them a tiny apartment.

Up until that point she was really living it up as a stay at home mother in a big house with cleaning staff, and a nanny. She had it made in the shade until he died.

When I reacted in shock and said what he had done to her was horrible keeping the other woman a secret. Her simple reaction was "oh it was my fault for not asking." 🙃🤷🏻‍♀️

@DaughterofDawn
Omg no way. Imagine that 😳
You wouldn't even be able to grieve properly as you would be soo angry and hurt!

I told her if he was my husband I would bring him back to life and wring his neck myself. 😂

Looking at this from another POV. House belongs to partner, op paying itowards bills in exchange for living there is being a tenant not being financiallv abused!
Not being content with going NC with his parents for this mysterious life changing decisions ( which was probably ear piercing) she pressures her partner to go NC too or at least taking his own daughter to see his parents, Trying to alienate your partner fro their family is hallmark coercive control

Stop wasting any more time on him.

Don't say a word.

Make plans and get as far away from him as is possible.

He is not a good man.

Stop waiting for him to change, he has shown you who he is.

Believe him.

There's no irony because our comments didn't share a similar purpose. I didn't say you couldn't comment. And if you'd just disagreed with me, well, you wouldn't be the first. But instead you disagreed and then attempted to shut me down.

Oh give over. I expressed the opinion that your musings were irrelevant to OP's situation, as I am entitled to do.