Boyfriend not paying his way? Aibu ?

[quiltcoverss]

Boyfriend moved in a month ago
He pays £300 towards rent and gas/electric etc
Now we have two dogs and dog out pet insurance
It's £15 per dog
This morning I've told him the pet insurance has came out
He has transferred £300 and not a extra £15 for the pet insurance
I told him how much it was
So does he expect the £15 to come out of the £300?

That's a completely different issue. OP hasn't indicated that is the case. If that is the case, then that conversation should also be had. But I don't agree that just because he's earning more, he should pay more. Why? They're not married; its not 'family money'. He should be paying his half of the bills.

This is not right, OP.

You feel crap saying anything.
You think you'll look stingy if you say something about £15.

What does he look like if he does nothing about the £15? Does that not make him stingier?

If you can't talk about something like this, what else aren't you talking about?
Please take care of yourself.

My pet insurance for a 9 year old JRT is just under £15 a month 🤷🏻‍♀️

And if you don't raise it this time you will be down £15 every month.

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

In that case he should be paying more than £300 towards your joint living costs.

Never mind the dogs ( and who pays for food, inoculations, neutering etc) - just in general terms you are effectively subsidising him. At worst, as the higher earns he should be contributing half of your jpiont costs.

It would be fairer if he contributed proportionately eg if you earn £1,000/month, and he earns £2,000, then he pays 2/3rds and you pay 1/3.

He's a c*cklodger.

This happened to a friend of mine she had three children with a man who used to give her Keep money.

For her 40th birthday he made a big show with her in a limo to come and pick her up took her out for dinner and then when it came to transferring his keep money for that month he explained that he couldn’t actually do it because it spent all of that money on her and couldn’t see anything wrong in that scenario whatsoever.

when they split up naturally he claimed his half of the house £80 grand she had to pay him. And of course he’s never paid a penny in child-support.

Mine was £35/month/dog - we have three spaniels. I stopped paying and put the money by. (Just as well I did put it by, as one of the daft mutts managed to break her elbow - just under £5,000!)

I'd have LOVED £15/month)

This.

OP you say you’ve made it clear that it’s £15 per dog, but have you made it clear that you expected to be paying for 1 dog each? If it’s been made clear perhaps it’s a mistake and he has a standing order set up to pay you the £300 and just hasn’t changed the amount yet?
Who buys the dog food? Can he pay for their food and you pay for their insurance?

I get that money is tight but if you see a future with him then I don’t think it’s worth falling out over £15 a month!

£300 is unlikely to cover his half of joint expenses, so you are effectively paying for sex and company. Only you can decide whether he's worth it.

Tell him to take the ring back and that's 5 months of insurance paid for

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

Nip this in the bud right now, OP! It will only get worse as he buys nice things when he wants to and will use that against the everyday expenses.

"But I've paid for cencert tickets!" "But I've bought you a ring!" He can withdraw nice things if it suits him, you will still end up paying most of the bills!

Who came up with the figure of £300? Is that what he was paying his mummy before he moved in with you?

As an old married woman (in every sense of the word) I can tell you that in the long run Grand Romantic Gestures are bugger all compared to somebody who's prepared to put the bins out and share his cash.

BUGGER ALL!

So often these men make these gestures to show the world how wonderful they are - it's got nothing to do with really caring for the woman in their life.

(I think almost all of us have learned this lesson the hard way OP - and you at least have the sense to see the unfairness of it early in your joint.relationship. Nip it in the bud now. Or get rid.)

Neither of you should spend each month totting up and offsetting with gifts and concert tickets etc.

Go back to square one.

Tell him you would like to be organised about bills, and also know exactly how much they are, make sure that neither of you are paying more than your fair share (incl him) and because you want to set up a regular savings amount too. (yours - not joint! ).

Put it all on a spreadsheet - all joint costs incl an amount for food.

Split in half (or in proportion to income...but personally I always did half as bills are bills, food is the same cost no matter what the income of the person eating it, and didn't want to feel I was subsidised by a partner. Different if one of you becomes a SAHP).

Each set this money aside every month. In a joint account that the bills go from, use the card from that account to buy food - then you can both see, equally, how much your shared costs are.

Otherwise, he is thinking that he is 'treating you' and offsetting it against an estimated amount - all too messy and will undermine your relationship.

A strong relationship will be based on you both taking equal responsibility for knowing what costs are and paying them accurately.

Those poor dogs are probably going to be re-homed at some point looking at this :(

@WhatATimeToBeAlive" Those poor dogs are probably going to be re-homed at some point looking at this :"

That's what's bothering me as well.

He is a greedy grabby boyfriend who hopes you are too nice to say anything. All bills should be proportional to income - he knows this. Tell him straight and if he wont pay chuck him out - imagine having children with a selfish sod like him.

You shouldn’t be living together if you can’t talk about finances. He should be paying half of rent and all bills.

Trying to think why he might be doing this.

Is he on the tenancy agreement and council tax bills etc now?

If I wasn’t on the tenancy with the same rights as you, I wouldn’t be paying you half of everything as if we had an argument you could immediately throw me out on the street and I would need money to go elsewhere. Maybe he is saving in case.

If that’s not the case he’s probably just tight.

@Emotionalsupportviper - I completely agree! The love language that gets me each time is putting the bins out, paying their way and the occasional candy bar.

He is relying on you thinking that £15 is a bit silly to ask for.

If you feel crap saying anything to him, is he the person to live with? Because there are going to be a lot of things to discuss.

I Never understand these threads
What exactly do you want from us OP?
Advice? If yes, Advice on what?
Are we gonna force your BF to pay up?
Are we gonna give you a pair of big girl knickers?

"I feel crap saying anything to him"
OK continue feeling like crap then.

He earns more but pays less.
You feel stingy.

Why?

He should be asking if he's fairly covering costs. He should be suggesting paying more if he's increased the bills.

You shouldn't even have to ask.

What are your total rent and bills.

I moved in with someone like this over 20 years ago. It started much the same as this…a few months in the gifts stopped. Then because I was paying more, he started working less, after all, I’d always managed to sort everything out. Then he stopped working (but pretended to still go to work). I was young, naive and thought he was worth it in the beginning. He ended up cheating on me and left me in a lot of financial difficulty that took another 10 years to get out of. So the loyalty never ran both ways.

You need to nip this in the bud now. It won’t get better if you ignore it…it will get much worse.

Sometimes people just need reassurance that they are not being unreasonable in their expectations, @ocadodeliveroo .

A lot of people can't understand this, but it very much depends on your personal temperament and also how you have been raised (eg always to "be kind" and "consider other people".).

Girl children raised in households where there are lots of arguments (not saying that this is you OP - it's just an example) often fear even raised voices and shrink from doing anything that will upset another person.

Oldest children taught to "share" with younger siblings all of the time can find it hard to have boundaries and claim their rights etc.

There are many psychological reasons why someone might find it difficult.