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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not paying his way? Aibu ?

136 replies

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:18

Boyfriend moved in a month ago
He pays £300 towards rent and gas/electric etc
Now we have two dogs and dog out pet insurance
It's £15 per dog
This morning I've told him the pet insurance has came out
He has transferred £300 and not a extra £15 for the pet insurance
I told him how much it was
So does he expect the £15 to come out of the £300?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 03/10/2022 09:28

Just say you haven’t transferred the pet insurance, would you prefer it comes out of your account?
£300 seems a token amount. Where are you renting that half of the rent and bills is £600?! Maybe I’m just so used to prices in the south.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/10/2022 09:29

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:20

I feel crap saying anything to him

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship because it’s not going to work.

You aren’t a doormat. Tell him what he owes you, or split up - I mean it - if you can’t manage this level of communication or honestly then your relationship will only get worse. Speaking up for yourself is part of being an adult - take an an assertiveness course if necessary.

mountainsunsets · 03/10/2022 09:29

It was a very silly idea to get two dogs so soon after moving in together, especially when he's only paying £300 per month as his "contribution".

Who pays the rent or mortgage?
Council tax?
Food?
Pet food and other costs?
Internet, TV, phone bill?

Did you not discuss finances at all before he moved in?

Midlifemusings · 03/10/2022 09:29

It is always a little tricky when someone moves into the other person's place. You have described it as he pays x towards y. That is different from a scenario where you start fresh and everything is split. You need to change your mind frame from him contributing towards your costs to one where you are both equally responsible for the costs. You don't want this to feel like a landlord / tenant scenario. You are only a month in. Now is a good time to have the conversation about all the costs involved in your lives and decide what you are each responsible for (phones, hobbies etc) and what are all the shared costs. Make budgets and then follow up in a month to see how they worked out. Finances aren't a one time conversation.

Giantemadoob · 03/10/2022 09:31

Also ask yourself what kind of "partner" this is who is willing to make you feel uncomfortable over £15. How he is happy to be shafting you financially and happy to keep more of his money to himself. You should have posted on MN before he moved in. Thank goodness he moved in with you and clearly has enough money to move back out.

Proportional bills, every time. If this was the other way round I bet he would be livid.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/10/2022 09:31

Who’s dogs were they before you moved in? If you’ve had them for years and now decided they are shared I’d think you’re unreasonable actually

mountainsunsets · 03/10/2022 09:31

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/10/2022 09:31

Who’s dogs were they before you moved in? If you’ve had them for years and now decided they are shared I’d think you’re unreasonable actually

They both agreed to get them when he moved in.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/10/2022 09:32

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:24

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

You aren’t married so I wouldn’t say you need to be pooling your money at this stage.. but to push bills onto your partner when you know they earn much less than you..

That’s a massive red flag OP.

I would give this a 6 month trial

Player001 · 03/10/2022 09:32

You need to be very clear with him about his responsibilities and your expectations and you need to do this now. If you let it slide you will be setting a precedent and you'll be back here in 5 years wondering where it all went wrong.

Many of us have been there and are giving you advice from our own experience.

MillyWithaY · 03/10/2022 09:33

How did you decide on the £300 per month contribution? It seems a very low amount.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/10/2022 09:34

How much do you pay altogether?
How did you arrive at that figure?

BodenCardiganNot · 03/10/2022 09:35

You're a mug. And he saw you coming!

AdaColeman · 03/10/2022 09:36

All this should have been agreed before he moved in. He's depending on you being too embarrassed to ask him for money, that's how he is able to take advantage of you. He's manipulating you so that he can benefit financially.

Since he earns so much more than you, why not split all costs proportionally to what you earn? Work out what percentage of your total joint income you each individually earn, then split all bills/costs in that proportion. That would be a fairer way than your system at the moment.

FitbyFifty · 03/10/2022 09:37

You also only sent him the message this morning.

It is possible he has the 300 now preset as a regular transaction or something. It is possible he transferred it before seeing your message.

Some of these posts are overreacting to someone not transferring 15 pounds in response to a text sent only this morning (it is still morning)

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/10/2022 09:37

Missing the point but £15 per dog is VERY cheap 🤔

altmember · 03/10/2022 09:38

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 03/10/2022 09:26

Spit isn't fair if he earns a lot more, it should be proportional to income

Show quote history

No it shouldn't, 50/50 split is fair. Why should one partner contribute more just because they work harder/longer/have a more stressful job? By your reckoning he could give up work tomorrow and she would just pay 100% because that's proportional to their incomes.

I get that it's different if you start a family together and one partner sacrifices work to ba a sahp, but there's no mention of any children here, just dogs.

£300 does sound a bit low though, that would make your household living expenses £600 a month?

BeaLola · 03/10/2022 09:38

£300 sounds very low - getting 2 dogs just as you move in together wasn't the best idea

Where did he live before - was he renting then - if so he should have an idea about costs etc

If he is paying £300 are you paying £300 + £30 for 2 dogs ? You need to sit fine with all costs so he is award and then you pay proportionally towards them

Original poster
quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:39

He has just text me a screenshot of a ring from Pandora he has bought me £80!
I would have preferred the £15!
He has just treated us to concert tickets too

OP posts:
Original poster
quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:39

I'm in north east and our rent is only £350 a month

OP posts:
Meltingsocks · 03/10/2022 09:40

How is £300 covering his share of rent AND bills? Unless you live in a tent?

SomeUnspokenThing · 03/10/2022 09:40

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:39

He has just text me a screenshot of a ring from Pandora he has bought me £80!
I would have preferred the £15!
He has just treated us to concert tickets too

Treating you to things does not absolve him of his regular financial responsibilities. This is not good, OP.

FitbyFifty · 03/10/2022 09:41

Just have a conversation, this is making a mountain out of a molehill that may have a completely plausible explanation. You sent a vague message (pet insurance came out) a couple hours ago. If you are really seeing this as him not paying his way before even following up or speaking to him, there has to be other financial issues.

And no, you don't go proportional when you first move in with a boyfriend or girlfriend - you split costs.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 09:41

The pandora ring I assume is your birthday or Christmas gift.

I would message back and say the ring looks amazing - and the bills going forward will be raised by xx to reflect the dog insurance cover.

Chicaontour · 03/10/2022 09:42

Nip this in the bud immediately ! why don't you have a spreadsheet of ALL household bills and divide by 2?

You say you feel stingy asking for it, well do you not think that he's doubly stingy for earning substantially more than you And not paying his fair share. The bad news is that your relationship is doomed as he's not going to pay his fair share without you chasing or more likely subsidizing him and you will or definitely should get the ICK . ps crazy to buy 2 dogs as soon as you move in together

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/10/2022 09:44

My 19 year old son was paying more than that! He's taking the piss