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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not paying his way? Aibu ?

136 replies

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:18

Boyfriend moved in a month ago
He pays £300 towards rent and gas/electric etc
Now we have two dogs and dog out pet insurance
It's £15 per dog
This morning I've told him the pet insurance has came out
He has transferred £300 and not a extra £15 for the pet insurance
I told him how much it was
So does he expect the £15 to come out of the £300?

OP posts:
madasawethen · 03/10/2022 10:20

Is he doing his share of cooking, cleaning, groceries, taking care of the dogs?

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 10:21

The issue isn’t the dog insurance, it’s the whole way you approach the finances.

He needs to pay the actual cost, not an estimated ‘contribution’ .

I would suggest you open an account (joint) from which you pay all your shared / joint expenses:
rent
bills (energy/ water / council tax / broadband / contents insurance etc)
Grocery shopping
Dog expenses

Add it all up, pay half each (plus a small contingency) into this account on payday .

Any other system leaves him wondering if you are making a profit, you feeling the onus is on you to ask, etc etc.

Deal with the costs as they actually are.

You live together in a shared household, you are not his landlord charging him a ‘contribution’.

Good luck!

Teenyliving · 03/10/2022 10:21

Bet you do all the cleaning.

and pay for the cleaning products.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 10:22

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 10:20

If you can't simply say "Oi, where's the £15 for the dog?"

You shouldn't even be dating him, let alone living with him.

Exactly this!

Maireas · 03/10/2022 10:23

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:24

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

Why?
What terms were discussed before he moved in?

CoastalWave · 03/10/2022 10:24

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 10:20

If you can't simply say "Oi, where's the £15 for the dog?"

You shouldn't even be dating him, let alone living with him.

^^ This.

More bizarrely though, where have these two dogs been before he moved in and who was paying for them then?! Have you just suddenly decided they're his now he's moved in?

You sound completely incompatible.

deeperthanallroses · 03/10/2022 10:25

They are lovely treats but I assume they come on top of the bills- in my world you pay your bills first then the rest is for savings and treats. If you want to return the ring I’d understand, but I still need £15 for the pet insurance.

can you change it to pay from his account and you send him 15 instead? He earns double what you earn, remember. He shouldn’t be mooching off you and forgetting basic responsibilities like a teenager.

IncompleteSenten · 03/10/2022 10:31

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:22

We have been together for 2 years before he moved in
I've told him that many times it's £15 each
He isn't stupid

He's not but you might start to feel like you are if you don't sort this out!

Don't be a mug. Tell him to pay his way or move out.

pfs · 03/10/2022 10:32

Spit isn't fair if he earns a lot more, it should be proportional to income

I love how this gets thrown about so much in threads where the man earns more but it gets shot down immediately when the woman earns more.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/10/2022 10:36

"Hey DP, I thought it would be helpful to get more organised with our bills, so I've listed them all out here (send him a copy), which works out as £x each a month, including the new dog insurance. Can you update your direct debit to this amount from next month please?"

No idea why you mentioned the jewellery he bought you, totally irrelevant and separate from bills.

mountainsunsets · 03/10/2022 10:37

More bizarrely though, where have these two dogs been before he moved in and who was paying for them then?! Have you just suddenly decided they're his now he's moved in?

They got them together after he moved in.

WhenDovesFly · 03/10/2022 10:38

You have yourself a cocklodger by the sounds of it OP.

His share of the rent is £175 now you're living together. Are you saying the other £125 he pays you covers half the bills, utilities, food etc? I bet not.

£15 for dog insurance is the least of your problems. Sit down together and go over all the outgoings with him and agree a fair split. No way should you be subsidising him.

Owlsinmybedroom · 03/10/2022 10:39

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 09:25

Living together isn’t going to work if you can’t talk to each other.

You need to sort this out

You have 2 options:

  1. You both pay equal amounts for the bills regardless of income
  2. You pay proportional amounts for the bills based on income

At no point should the lower payer be paying more

Sounds like he doesn't really love and respect you all that much if he is willing to profit off you...

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 10:40

If he said work out all of the bills and I paid half and you’ve said it’s £300, then I can see why he’s not paid the £15 as he thinks it’s included.

It sounds like you’re beating around the bush and dropping hints instead of just saying can you transfer me the £15.

In future just tell him to transfer £315 when he gets paid every month and then there is no confusion.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 03/10/2022 10:42

Is that £300 pm?? What planet is he on to think that buys everything?

DPotter · 03/10/2022 10:49

The OP mentioned the jewellery as quite rightly she thinks it's a way to deflect from him having to pay more for the shared living expenses. The ol' "But I bought you a Birthday present for £100 so I don't need to put money in the the electric" con. Because that's what it is Quiltcoverss - he's conning you into paying for his living costs.

Even if your rent is only £350 a month, and he pays £300, that leaves £125 per month for council tax, house insurance, water, electricity, gas, landline/ internet, food, alcohol, dog food, and it's always a good idea to have a little slush fund for house maintenance, let alone the pet insurance. I'm sorry I can't see £125 covering all of that no matter where you live.

Write down exactly what you pay per month / year for each of the item I've listed - I bet you'll be surprised how much it is. Then divide by 2 - that's what he should be paying. You then need to sit him down, show him the living costs and how much he needs to pay. If he even hesitates a millisecond in agreeing to up his contribution to the amount you've calculated, as much as you love him, he goes, he leaves and he takes his toothbrush with him, (and one of the dogs).

The others are right, if you can't have this conversation, you're not ready yet for a live in relationship

JanesBond · 03/10/2022 10:50

Don't worry about looking stingy. If he knows you, he knows youre not stingy.

CiderJolly · 03/10/2022 10:50

If he doesn’t, automatically, want to contribute at least half to total household expenses then he just isn’t worth the hassle.

No decent man would need telling.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 03/10/2022 10:51

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:24

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

You need to sort this shit out now and make it fair otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a terrible life.

You 100% need to be able to openly communicate about finances without getting emotional. E.g. just talk about them logically, preferably with a spreadsheet/list of all income and outgoings including everything. For each of you. So you are both on the same page.

Sparklfairy · 03/10/2022 10:52

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:24

If I say where's the £15 I look so stingy don't I
But at the same time I'm worse off

It makes him look stingy, and you're pussyfooting around trying not to upset him.

So many women on MN so desperate to not look like a freeloader, they let their partners freeload off them

picklemewalnuts · 03/10/2022 10:57

Is it costing you more now he lives with you, or less?

How about him? I feel that you should both be saving a similar amount as a result of moving in together.

If his costs have gone down and yours haven't, that's a problem.

Just sit and listen the costs with him so he pays a sensible amount.
Better still, set up a bill as account and pay equal amounts into it. He can take equal responsibility then.

Sparklybanana · 03/10/2022 10:58

You need to get it split fairly ASAP. Get a joint account where you both pay in a percentage based amount and all bills come out of that. If you are paying for everything in your name you are incredibly vulnerable. It's not stingy, and don't let him get away with giving you presents to show how generous he is. If he's not paying fairly then he's not being generous, he's emotionally trying to control the situation. A Pandora charm is cheaper than having to pay every month.

MrKlaw · 03/10/2022 11:01

It doesn't sound like he refused to pay the £15, and you assumed he would know it was additional and not covered by teh £300 - which he might not. So lets not throw him under the bus just yet.

Use this as an opportunity to do regular checks on finances. New expenses come in - eg dogs, or maybe you decide to get SkyTV or something - you update the finances and make any adjustments needed to both contributions.

Ideally you do this before you commit to something so you aren't chasing your tail but not a big deal. Always a good idea to regularly review where you are - DW and I are pretty stable now so normally only check in on things yearly in case things have changed, but if a big things comes along (like gas bills now) we'll do an immediate check

Its also an opportunity to sound him out on finances generally - eg what resistance if any do you get to suggesting he increases his contribution?

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 03/10/2022 11:06

Unless your outgoings are £600 per month, he's taking the piss. Why is he only paying £300?

Crikeyalmighty · 03/10/2022 11:07

Who buys all the food OP or have I missed that- ?? He sounds like he has an absolute bargain- personally I think £450 would be fairer even with very low rent (and you cover off the dogs)

Or £600 and you sort all the food