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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not paying his way? Aibu ?

136 replies

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:18

Boyfriend moved in a month ago
He pays £300 towards rent and gas/electric etc
Now we have two dogs and dog out pet insurance
It's £15 per dog
This morning I've told him the pet insurance has came out
He has transferred £300 and not a extra £15 for the pet insurance
I told him how much it was
So does he expect the £15 to come out of the £300?

OP posts:
Meltingsocks · 03/10/2022 09:44

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:39

I'm in north east and our rent is only £350 a month

So his share is 175. Council tax must be at least another 50 each? 75 for water, energy, Internet, TV, insurance? Sounds VERY light.

How do you split food?

MillyWithaY · 03/10/2022 09:45

50/50 split is fair. Why should one partner contribute more just because they work harder/longer/have a more stressful job?
Where does the OP state his job is hard and stressful and he works long hours? Lots of the hardest, most stressful jobs are poorly paid. I couldn't be in a relationship with a much higher earner who was willing to see me struggle financially while living under the same roof!

icelollycraving · 03/10/2022 09:45

Well if he has more money, he can treat you!
I had a similar situation years ago when I moved a boyfriend in. He started paying for furniture etc, and not the agreed rent. He would have taken the furniture if he moved out. Try to sort things because you will start to feel taken advantage of and he is either clueless or thinks he’s onto a good thing.

PeekAtYou · 03/10/2022 09:45

£300 for half rent and bills is a bargain. Can I move in ? £300 is less than half the council tax and utilities here. Are you sure that's half of everything ?
Just send a jokey text "You forgot to add £15 for your half of the pet insurance ha ha " Best case scenario, he's forgotten to change his standing order. Worst case scenario, you find out that it's a massive mistake moving him in.

JorisBonson · 03/10/2022 09:49

Deja vu.

Have a conversation with him, write everything down and don't feel bad for asking someone to fairly pay their way.

Quitelikeit · 03/10/2022 09:58

Her rent is only £350 so he is paying half of everything by the sounds of it.

why can’t you go and ask him about the £15 instead of asking on here how you can get him to pay it?

the answer is v simple

slowquickstep · 03/10/2022 10:01

If you aren't going to talk to him about paying his fair share you will just have to put up and shut up. Not being rude just trying to get you to see the situation clearly. You do only have 2 options, so you have to choose.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 03/10/2022 10:01

Why is he only paying towards rent gas and electric?
What about council
Tax/water/internet/insurance etc
Food?

TeeBee · 03/10/2022 10:02

You need to sit down and have a quick conversation with him.

'Right Mr, if you want to carry on living here, we need to split the finances in a fairer way. These are all the monthly outgoings; this is half. Are you in or out?'

Sorted.

I don't agree that he should be paying a bigger portion just because he earns more, you're not married. Half is fair.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 10:03

OP, why not write down all your outgoings here?

Don't be fooled by the treats, they will make you feel beholden to him so you feel unable to say anything.

MacarenaMacarena · 03/10/2022 10:04

Has your landlord accepted him as an additional tenant?
And 2 dogs... If your landlord has agreed to that as well that's quite unusual.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 10:05

I don't agree that he should be paying a bigger portion just because he earns more, you're not married. Half is fair.

In theory. But what if in reality he puts the heating on more than OP? Or eats more food? Or has more long showers?

bewarethetides · 03/10/2022 10:05

I'd ask him to move out again with one or both of the dogs. He's not a keeper.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 10:07

Only on mumsnet do i ever read about couples who just dont communicate about anything, its really weird, I honestly dont know any relationships like this in real life its just so bizarre.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/10/2022 10:09

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:20

I feel crap saying anything to him

Yeah, this is the real problem innit OP - not the stray £15.

Do you think this is a 'you' problem? Would you have any trouble saying this to a friend or colleague in any similar situation?

Or is it a "him" problem - is it just around him that you feel crap 'asking' for things to be equal & right between you?

MeridianB · 03/10/2022 10:10

Maybe just ask him for £180 to cover the annual cost.

But there seem to be bigger issues here. Well worth looking more closely at the figures and making sure they are fair.

He should set up a standing order so you dont have to keep reminding/asking every month, too.

pinkyredrose · 03/10/2022 10:10

quiltcoverss · 03/10/2022 09:24

I rent and he earns nearly double me but I end up paying more altogether

Why?

mrsjohnnylawrence · 03/10/2022 10:10

What do you envisage for your life? A family? HOw does that work? Who does childcare? Who earns and who cares for the house? Both of you, or one more than the other? Who takes children to school?

Plan your life then implement it. Don't piss into the wind, you'll wake up at 40 wondering what happened.

Crazykatie · 03/10/2022 10:12

He’s not paying enough he should be paying half of living cost, if he earn twice as much as you it should not be an issue, if he had his own place it would cost much more.
You need to make a stand now

Lampan · 03/10/2022 10:16

The concept of splitting bills proportional to earnings only holds up so far though. If one partner wasn’t earning anything, then going by this argument they wouldn’t have to contribute at all and there would be cries of cocklodger.

OP you need to sit down together and have an open discussion about costs and how you are going to split the bills. It’s concerning that he seems happy to let you pay more than half.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/10/2022 10:16

You need to send him back a photo of the bill for the pet insurance saying that this needs to be paid. Ask him how he is planning on doing it.

Fraaahnces · 03/10/2022 10:16

Time to have a chat about reality. You don’t want rings when you’re scrabbling with bills. Explain that rent doesn’t cover food and bills.

lamaze1 · 03/10/2022 10:18

Sorry op but what happens when your energy bills and general cost of living gets more expensive? Will you continue to subsidise him? Given you rent, he really ought to be paying 50% of everything. Deep down he will know he ought to be doing this. The fact that he isn't shows a lack of care and respect for you in my opinion.

As for the Pandora bracelet don't be fooled. If you think about it. It's a nifty was to put you on the back foot and make you feel like you can't remind him again about paying 50% of the dog insurance. Yes it cost him £80 outright, but actually, if it works (ie you don't insist he pays his share) then he is better off because ultimately buying that bracelet is cheaper than paying his way... don't get me wrong it might be a nice idea but from what you have said, and given the timing it strikes me as a little manipulative.

lamaze1 · 03/10/2022 10:19

Sorry ring not bracelet.

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 10:20

If you can't simply say "Oi, where's the £15 for the dog?"

You shouldn't even be dating him, let alone living with him.