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AIBU?

Aggressive Mother Involved My Teenager in Dispute That Has Nothing To Do With Her.

144 replies

MustWeDoThis · 02/10/2022 23:49

In a nutshell:

I was Psychologically abused as a teenager, because my Mother and Step-Dad were extremely aggressive, toffee nosed, paranoid, self-entitled...the list goes on.

Fast forward many years later - They knocked down my self confidence so much that I don't even keep mirrors in the house and avoid my reflection at all costs. I won't wear sleeveless dresses in the summer or anything that's not baggy. I have body dysmorphia because of the damage done.

Tonight: I was running 20 minutes late to pop over to my parents house. I had been getting the children bathed and bedded for school tomorrow and so the eldest could also chill out and just listen out for them (DD is 14, suffers with acute anxiety due to bullying and it's meant she has developed tourette like ticks, especially when placed under stress.)

DM calls at 19:20pm and asks where we are (I was going over because I owed them some money from when our bed broke. I wanted to drop it off.)

Mother: "Where are you? You said you would be here at 7pm! You really are messing us around. We put dinner on, we are starving. We decided to have a snack instead while we wait for you. We will eat dinner when you're gone." Her attitude was, as usual, passive aggressive, curt, abrupt - She made us feel awkward. We didn't know they were cooking dinner and I wouldn't have minded them eating it while we were there.

Husband and I said we would be another 15-20 minutes. We were feeling very awkward and angry at the way we had been spoken to (This is not the first time. The last time was even worse.)

We put the money in the envelope and just pushed it through their letterbox and drove off. When my Mother is in this mood, she is a nightmare to deal with and hubby has an interview in the morning for a prestigious IT job. She also knows about this.

We told her we put it through the door and left.

Queue several missed calls while hubby is driving. His phone is in his pocket. We decided to go and have a walk along the seafront. Hubby also needed to get back and do some more research on his job role, so he can prepare for the interview. He was feeling stressed.

We sit on a bench at the beach (It's 8pm). We call them back to say we didn't come in because we felt awkward.

My parents had driven to my house during this time, let themselves in, barged into my teen's bedroom where she was cleaning it and singing along to music.

My Mother starts ranting at my teenage daughter and makes her cry (she's now ticking away) I feel awful for not being there to protect her.

Mother to my DD, "Where's your Mother!? Mummy has been very rude by not knocking and coming in! She's wasted my entire evening! I could have gone out with my Sister! We've just been sat there waiting for your Mother all evening! Ring her and get her on the phone!".

My husband answered:

DM, "Why didn't you come in!?"

We explain how awkward she made us feel and we wanted to go for a walk so hubby could clear his head a bit, before we head back home and he does a bit of prep work. (8:30pm by now).

DM, "Are you coming back for coffee or what!? Ha! He can't really prep if you're walking down the beach! You've wasted my entire evening (like there aren't any other evenings.) You are so rude! I've not seen you in an entire month! I was really excited about seeing you!"

(Saw her on the 11th September for her Birthday. Bought her an expensive Indian, rare bottle of vodka, and some cream blankets because she gets cold easily. She's 57. She had the children for a day the week after that. She was adamant it had been a month. She also went away for 1 week in September. I work full time and study full-time, so does hubby.)

Queue the usual insults about being ignorant and rude somemore

She was ranting and raving on the phone. Woke up the youngest who got out of bed. So we got in the car to go home. On their way out my Mother shouted to my eldest, "and tell him he owes me another £10!" £10 that she spent getting the youngest two a KFC meal.

My parents never have the children over to sleep. They used to have the eldest and favoured her, but not even she wants to go over there anymore and they never ask if they can have them over. Thank god for my MIL!

We aren't well off by any means, but we let my parents use our Netflix account. I've just worked out that 5 years of incremental increases on Netflix (If they were to have paid half, which they don't) - Has meant I've paid £480 over 5 years for their share of Netflix. Petty to have calculated and I won't throw it in their face, because I won't lower myself.

My Mother has alienated her neighbours, the other stall holders who surround her business, and gone through numerous staff members. That's how aggressive she is. Everyone causes her an offense.

I just said, "OK then"

She handed my daughters phone back and left the house.

AIBU to not apologise for being 20 minutes late? Because I didn't know she had chosen to cook dinner and hold off on it? All of this drama over 20 minutes late running....

I can't even make sense of this thread myself.

Please, MN, do not post this to FB.

Thanks for reading this far.

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Am I being unreasonable?

400 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
43%
You are NOT being unreasonable
58%
mamabear715 · 02/10/2022 23:52

Why are you even in contact with them? Not being nasty, just why?

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Pixiedust1234 · 02/10/2022 23:54

I couldn't read all that. I got as far as having to drive over to give money but posting it....if you hate your parents that much why didn't you do a bank transfer?

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Ahwombimbam · 02/10/2022 23:57

Don’t borrow money off them.
Take your keys backs.
Don’t leave your kids with them unsupervised.

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DPotter · 02/10/2022 23:58

I know it's easy for us to say -but you really have to step away from your parents. They have harmed you and now they are harming your children.

I think you need to seek out counselling to support you in this as it has gone on for so long.

Don't try and look for reasons why your mother is like this - it's the way it is. The important thing is that you do not have to accept being treated like this, and more importantly neither do your kids.

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user1471457751 · 02/10/2022 23:58

She's nasty and aggressive so why are you still in contact, borrowing money from her, leaving your children with her and letting her have a key to your home?

I do think in this instance you were in the wrong to start with. You weren't 20 mins later, you were 35-40 mins late. If you were just going to post the cash you could have done that without expecting them to be in. But that doesn't excuse how your mum treated your daughter.

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MacarenaMacarena · 02/10/2022 23:58

Oh dear OP, she sounds a nightmare... Sorry you have to deal with such a tricky DM.
I would just say keep your texts/conversations as short, infrequent and positive as you can.
You need to prioritise your children... If you value the childcare your parents provide, maybe send them with a packed lunch so your not landed with takeaway bills...
I really wouldn't borrow money off them again.
Good luck.

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MustWeDoThis · 02/10/2022 23:59

They wanted cash.

Why am I still in contact? I wish I could answer that. I try to be the better person, I suppose?

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Clymene · 03/10/2022 00:01

Just go no contact. They're horrible people. Don't expose your children to them.

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:03

This. I am on a waiting list for counselling. I have so much to get off my chest. I don't really have anyone else to turn to, so I came here.

You're right, though. I've never really thought about it in that way - I need to stop finding a reason as to why she acts this way -. It's sad, really.

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Adultchildofelderlyparents · 03/10/2022 00:12

It does seem that in this specific incident you were in the wrong. You arrived 40 minutes late and didn't go in when you were expected to go in. I'd be annoyed too. Also you haven't paid £480 for their netflix if they are using yours, you would have paid that anyway for yourself.

As for the rest of it. Remove their access to your house so they can't let themselves in. Don't borrow from them. Don't use them for childcare. If you cannot bring yourself to end contact altogether, minimise it as much as possible. Put your's and your family's needs before your parents needs. Definitely have some counselling!

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:12

I don't have childcare off anyone. We juggle that ourselves. This was a day out. They asked if they could take them to the park. They bought them lunch.

She has a habit of forcing money on people, then holds it over them. I didn't ask to borrow it, she actually ordered the bed and had it delivered to my house. Come pay day, I paid it all back (The money I just dropped off!). She doesn't like bank transfers, because she's difficult. Needed to be cash.

You are all right. I need to cut her off. I don't think she likes the fact I now stand up for myself, instead of laying down and taking it, like I did as a teen.

I did wipe the floor with her for involving my daughter. The eldest point blank refuses to spend time with her and has stood up for herself against her. The youngest two enjoy going to the park with them, so I don't want to take that away. I will if they start treating them the same way. I am trying to be diplomatic. Trying not to use my children as weapons.

My head is fried. My stomach is in knots. This has been an awful year for me. Diagnosed with an Autoimmune disease and Diabetes which is a symptom of the disease. This is just the icing on the cake.

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Holly60 · 03/10/2022 00:13

It was a bit weirdly passive aggressive to post the money though.

They were expecting you so either say you'll post it through and they get on with dinner or just go late.

How she acted with your DD was insane though. I'd stop engaging.

Or just get assertive 'mum we are running 40 minutes late. I can post it through or come in. Let me know what you prefer' and take no rubbish.

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Clymene · 03/10/2022 00:16

The kindest thing to do for your children is to stop having anything to do with her. If she sends you stuff, return it.

I think the stately homes threads on here are good support for women with toxic families

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heartbroken22 · 03/10/2022 00:17

You sound too invested in this relationship with your parents. Minimal contact. No favours either way and nothing. Do not let them treat you like this and how dare you let them treat your kids like this. Waking them up and what not.

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:21

I was 20 minutes late. They live around the corner. I don't use them for childcare. We don't have -any- childcare out of personal choice. I posted the money because I didn't want to go in and deal with her nightmare behaviour. I did state that in my original post.

I explained I was late because I was getting the kids ready for bed. (I should have elaborated on that! I did apologise for being late when she called the first time.)

I didn't borrow the money, she insisted I have anew bed ASAP, had it delivered to my house. Paid it back in full. I don't ask or borrow from anyone.

These are relevant parts I missed out. My apologies.

I am on a waiting list for counselling. The irony being- I am a student Psychologist and Counsellor. I also work with people who have body dysmorphia and suicidal idiations, but I can't fix my own unhealthy relationship, it seems. 😅

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Womencanlift · 03/10/2022 00:23

Why did it take two of you to drop it off? Couldn’t one of you (the person that drives if only one of you drives) just have dropped it off? Better still dropped it off earlier today so they were not waiting around for it and not when you are trying to get the kids settled for the week

Just by going by your post it sounds like it’s drama on both sides so for that you are both unreasonable

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:23

Stately Homes thread? I wasn't aware of these. Thank you for letting me know.

Also, thank you to everyone responding so far. You're just clarifying my thoughts on what I need to do. Mustering up the courage to do it is another thing.

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:26

They weren't there. They were out for the day. We both went, because we were both going elsewhere after that. I don't know how you run your own marriage, but we like spending time together when we aren't studying and working full-time.

Being abused as a teenager is hardly what I would call drama. I'm a student Psychologist working with suicidal people. Maybe be careful how you word things.

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PeekAtYou · 03/10/2022 00:32

Change the locks tomorrow and next time you move, don't give her your address.
If she sends packages, send them back. You can tell bed delivery people to send beds back. Never accept gifts from her - it's the fast road to more drama and pain. These gifts are a trap so you have to visit her.
I am NC with my mother and it feels good to have protected my kids from her. Your dd must have been terrified and that needs to drive you to do something which might be uncomfortable for you.

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HowzAboutIt · 03/10/2022 00:35

Bit confused as you said in your OP that you were running 20 mins late and then your H told them you would be another 15-20 mins = 40 mins, yet now state you were only 20 mins late?!

"They weren't there, thy were out for the day" what do you mean? Were they there or not?

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Ihavehadenoughalready · 03/10/2022 00:56

Um....change your Netflix password. My ex and I share an account but he pays half.

Your mom has a key to your house? Guess you'll need to change locks.

Your mom sounds like she suffers from borderline personality disorder. My sympathy.


I've no idea why they couldn't just eat supper even if (especially if?) you were late. You're not to blame for their weirdly putting off eating. You didn't "ruin he whole evening". She did that on her own.

Dropping off the money stealthily through the mail slot was a bit odd. When you say you told her you put the money through, do you mean you called her? Shouted through the door?

So she was so mad but then wanted you to come for coffee? ?

Your poor teenage daughter. She must have been really frightened.

Also, what is "toffee-nosed"? I'm not from the UK.

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 01:07

Stuck up. Up herself.

I sent her a text to say we had posted the money through their door in an envelope.

If I had knocked and gone in, I would have had to deal with more abuse. **

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MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 01:08

They were not there in the day. They were out. They only got back during the evening.

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Karamna · 03/10/2022 01:34

Honestly, I would try to move further away from them, if possible, definitely change your locks.

Don't borrow money off them.

Don't leave your kids with them.

Go low contact. Phone call from time to time and meet up in a neutral place like a cafe for lunch.

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 03:19

DM calls at 19:20pm and asks where we are
Mother: "Where are you? You said you would be here at 7pm! Husband and I said we would be another 15-20 minutes

So you were about 40 minutes late. It is really rude to be late and not say you're just going to post it through the door. Your mother reacted completely over the top involving your child but you should have just text to say you'd drop through the letterbox.

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