AIBU?
Aggressive Mother Involved My Teenager in Dispute That Has Nothing To Do With Her.
MustWeDoThis · 02/10/2022 23:49
In a nutshell:
I was Psychologically abused as a teenager, because my Mother and Step-Dad were extremely aggressive, toffee nosed, paranoid, self-entitled...the list goes on.
Fast forward many years later - They knocked down my self confidence so much that I don't even keep mirrors in the house and avoid my reflection at all costs. I won't wear sleeveless dresses in the summer or anything that's not baggy. I have body dysmorphia because of the damage done.
Tonight: I was running 20 minutes late to pop over to my parents house. I had been getting the children bathed and bedded for school tomorrow and so the eldest could also chill out and just listen out for them (DD is 14, suffers with acute anxiety due to bullying and it's meant she has developed tourette like ticks, especially when placed under stress.)
DM calls at 19:20pm and asks where we are (I was going over because I owed them some money from when our bed broke. I wanted to drop it off.)
Mother: "Where are you? You said you would be here at 7pm! You really are messing us around. We put dinner on, we are starving. We decided to have a snack instead while we wait for you. We will eat dinner when you're gone." Her attitude was, as usual, passive aggressive, curt, abrupt - She made us feel awkward. We didn't know they were cooking dinner and I wouldn't have minded them eating it while we were there.
Husband and I said we would be another 15-20 minutes. We were feeling very awkward and angry at the way we had been spoken to (This is not the first time. The last time was even worse.)
We put the money in the envelope and just pushed it through their letterbox and drove off. When my Mother is in this mood, she is a nightmare to deal with and hubby has an interview in the morning for a prestigious IT job. She also knows about this.
We told her we put it through the door and left.
Queue several missed calls while hubby is driving. His phone is in his pocket. We decided to go and have a walk along the seafront. Hubby also needed to get back and do some more research on his job role, so he can prepare for the interview. He was feeling stressed.
We sit on a bench at the beach (It's 8pm). We call them back to say we didn't come in because we felt awkward.
My parents had driven to my house during this time, let themselves in, barged into my teen's bedroom where she was cleaning it and singing along to music.
My Mother starts ranting at my teenage daughter and makes her cry (she's now ticking away) I feel awful for not being there to protect her.
Mother to my DD, "Where's your Mother!? Mummy has been very rude by not knocking and coming in! She's wasted my entire evening! I could have gone out with my Sister! We've just been sat there waiting for your Mother all evening! Ring her and get her on the phone!".
My husband answered:
DM, "Why didn't you come in!?"
We explain how awkward she made us feel and we wanted to go for a walk so hubby could clear his head a bit, before we head back home and he does a bit of prep work. (8:30pm by now).
DM, "Are you coming back for coffee or what!? Ha! He can't really prep if you're walking down the beach! You've wasted my entire evening (like there aren't any other evenings.) You are so rude! I've not seen you in an entire month! I was really excited about seeing you!"
(Saw her on the 11th September for her Birthday. Bought her an expensive Indian, rare bottle of vodka, and some cream blankets because she gets cold easily. She's 57. She had the children for a day the week after that. She was adamant it had been a month. She also went away for 1 week in September. I work full time and study full-time, so does hubby.)
Queue the usual insults about being ignorant and rude somemore
She was ranting and raving on the phone. Woke up the youngest who got out of bed. So we got in the car to go home. On their way out my Mother shouted to my eldest, "and tell him he owes me another £10!" £10 that she spent getting the youngest two a KFC meal.
My parents never have the children over to sleep. They used to have the eldest and favoured her, but not even she wants to go over there anymore and they never ask if they can have them over. Thank god for my MIL!
We aren't well off by any means, but we let my parents use our Netflix account. I've just worked out that 5 years of incremental increases on Netflix (If they were to have paid half, which they don't) - Has meant I've paid £480 over 5 years for their share of Netflix. Petty to have calculated and I won't throw it in their face, because I won't lower myself.
My Mother has alienated her neighbours, the other stall holders who surround her business, and gone through numerous staff members. That's how aggressive she is. Everyone causes her an offense.
I just said, "OK then"
She handed my daughters phone back and left the house.
AIBU to not apologise for being 20 minutes late? Because I didn't know she had chosen to cook dinner and hold off on it? All of this drama over 20 minutes late running....
I can't even make sense of this thread myself.
Please, MN, do not post this to FB.
Thanks for reading this far.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Whataretheodds · 03/10/2022 07:09
Change the locks, change your netflix password.
Don't accept deliveries of things you haven't ordered, then you won't have to pay for them.
Don't let her see your children unsupervised.
Don't give her so much info aout your life.
If you've said you'll pay someone in cash at 7pm, put it through the letterbox earlier in the day rather than 40 mins late.
minisoksmakehardwork · 03/10/2022 07:20
@MustWeDoThis I had similarly aggressive parents growing up. And as an adult wanted that relationship where we were in the same space. But, it won't happen unless your parents are willing to work on themselves. My father was much more understanding after my mother died. And up to that point, she had me believing he was the problem not her!
Extricating yourself will not be easy, but it can be done. Especially if you have a supportive husband. Mine took to closing the door with my parents on the door step and any flying monkeys were destroyed.
Stately homes thread will be very helpful for you, to understand that your parents will not change. But you can change your reaction to them and you can protect your children from them. Mine have a rose-tinted view of their grandparents because they did have some good times, until we went no contact. But honestly, the full relief of the weight of being their child only went when both my parents died.
TheHoover · 03/10/2022 07:23
OP, YANBU
give yourself and your family a break from your mother. To cool down. Tell her this in a note.
design on a piece of paper the type of relationship you want with her given that you can’t undo your past or change her behaviour. You are definitely right about never being beholden to her but her personality probably means that she will still find things to give you grief about .
Definitely seek counselling.
And - most importantly - try to realise that your mother isn’t actually to blame for how you are as a person. Once you have this revelation and get over your victim complex the world will open up for you. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
Maybe read The subtle art of not giving a fuck if you can tolerate that kind of text.
SpangledShambles · 03/10/2022 07:28
I sympathise that your reactions are messed up because you had abusive parents. But you need to recognise that you need help and woman up to protect your kids. Also not right to leave 14 yo alone in charge of younger kids - you and your husband could have sat in garden to relax.
Twinsmummy1812 · 03/10/2022 07:29
Likelookinginamirror · 03/10/2022 06:36
It’s very easy to judge, but please remember that OP is a product of her upbringing, and probably says what she needs to say to keep things from being difficult.
Meanwhile, OP, I completely understand your situation. The reason she wants cash is to keep contact. The reason she has things delivered is so that she can control the dialogue/relationship.
Despite the ways in which you are so aware of the situation, in others you are still deeply intrenched. Someone who hasn’t been raised like this -
- would not be receiving furniture unexpectedly
- would not be letting a difficult relative have keys
- would be clear about what constitutes reasonable behaviour (from her and you)
- would realise that keeping a relationship with a difficult relative at any cost (to you and your children) is not viable.
For some it’s inconceivable that this could all be your mother’s fault. For others they can’t imagine how you could stay in such an awful relationship, but none of them understand that you need help to extricate yourself.
She was clearly trying to have an impact on her eldest granddaughter, and clearly it didn’t work, and your eldest has a clarity that you don’t yet possess. She’s not staying out of her way because she’s a surly teenager who doesn’t want the hassle, she clearly feels/sees red flags, and won’t put herself in the way of it.
You’ve raised a brilliant child there, consider being as kind to yourself.
Good luck, it will take a while.
Absolutely this. Great post. OP you have your little family and you don’t need your parents. From what you have said your mum was trying to steamroller your daughter with anger and righteous indignation the way she did to you and your daughter wants none of it. If your parents were physically abusive I think you could cut them off in a heartbeat. Maybe think of them that way (each nasty sentence is a metaphorical stinging slap), it should be easier to remove them from your life. They sound deeply miserable, leave them to it.
jays · 03/10/2022 07:29
You need to cut these people out of your life. They’ve ruined your life! And they’re in turn now ruining your dd’s life. Don’t borrow money from them! I’ve had to cut a parent out of my life so I’m not just saying it without any knowledge or experience of having done it. You’re not alone, you have your partner. How much damage will it take? Where is the line before it’s enough? You can’t go on like this, honestly, cut them off.
Whydidimarryhim · 03/10/2022 07:33
Hi op - your mother is likely a narcissist- it’s all about her - you need to go no contact eventually - go on utube - lots of videos on narcissism -
your childhood has damaged you - you could also look up Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families -
she’s a cruel nasty bitch - it’s not you 🌺🌺
MumofSpud · 03/10/2022 07:34
If they're that bad I would have popped the money through the letterbox during the day / on my way to/from work to avoid them - you said they were out during the day
If they're that bad why would you have been happy sitting in their house whilst they were eating dinner?
CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/10/2022 07:36
Sorry, but you and your mum both sound difficult and highly reactive.
If you unpack your post, there are so many ways that the pair of you could have stepped back a little, taken a deep breath and not escalated your feelings or the situation.
You both seem to prioritise finding the person who is most at fault and bringing up niggles and resentment, rather than resolving conflict.
It must be stressful for other family members when either of you kick off like this.
YellowTreeHouse · 03/10/2022 07:36
As an isolated incident, you were in the wrong here. You were 40 minutes late and you hadn’t even texted to tell them you were going to be late - that’s exceptionally rude.
However, the way she reacted is of course unreasonable. You shouldn’t be borrowing money off them and you shouldn’t be in contact with them.
In future, regardless of who you’re meeting, if you’re going to be late you have to let the person know in good time. It’s just good manners.
Hoplesscynic · 03/10/2022 07:41
Sorry but I dont get it - you don't need to live around the corner from them, provide them with a key to your house or let them do this to you with their "gifts". Firmly say you dont want them ordering things on your behalf and if they ever do, that you'll treat them as normal gifts, I.e paying nothing back. You'll see how quickly they'll stop pushing money and things on you. You dont need to live your life at all around them and there are lots of ways to minimize contact (I say that as an abused child myself who has done that and honestly, it's not that hard)
RedHelenB · 03/10/2022 07:49
MustWeDoThis · 03/10/2022 00:26
They weren't there. They were out for the day. We both went, because we were both going elsewhere after that. I don't know how you run your own marriage, but we like spending time together when we aren't studying and working full-time.
Being abused as a teenager is hardly what I would call drama. I'm a student Psychologist working with suicidal people. Maybe be careful how you word things.
The whole incident was drama. I had a background of abuse and stepped away. No drama. You've children to think about, as you say you've got a job in counselling and know what you'd advise I think your family unit would be more settled if you disengaged.
Rubiesue · 03/10/2022 07:50
Likelookinginamirror · 03/10/2022 06:36
It’s very easy to judge, but please remember that OP is a product of her upbringing, and probably says what she needs to say to keep things from being difficult.
Meanwhile, OP, I completely understand your situation. The reason she wants cash is to keep contact. The reason she has things delivered is so that she can control the dialogue/relationship.
Despite the ways in which you are so aware of the situation, in others you are still deeply intrenched. Someone who hasn’t been raised like this -
- would not be receiving furniture unexpectedly
- would not be letting a difficult relative have keys
- would be clear about what constitutes reasonable behaviour (from her and you)
- would realise that keeping a relationship with a difficult relative at any cost (to you and your children) is not viable.
For some it’s inconceivable that this could all be your mother’s fault. For others they can’t imagine how you could stay in such an awful relationship, but none of them understand that you need help to extricate yourself.
She was clearly trying to have an impact on her eldest granddaughter, and clearly it didn’t work, and your eldest has a clarity that you don’t yet possess. She’s not staying out of her way because she’s a surly teenager who doesn’t want the hassle, she clearly feels/sees red flags, and won’t put herself in the way of it.
You’ve raised a brilliant child there, consider being as kind to yourself.
Good luck, it will take a while.
This is a beautiful and wise post. I really feel for you op. People who haven’t had abusive childhoods/have an abusive mother WILL not get it. Those of us who have, do. Your mother is only 57. Cut, or massively reduce, contact. I wish I had.
FlamingoQueen · 03/10/2022 07:50
The fact she abused your dd whilst she was sat in her room was appalling. This women should not be around your children full stop. Take away her key.
Also, if she ordered you a bed without telling you then she should pay for it herself!
There are some people that are just toxic so I genuinely think you should cut her out of your life - I know it’s really difficult, but the situation is not going to improve.
Good luck to DH with his interview today.
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