Aggressive Mother Involved My Teenager in Dispute That Has Nothing To Do With Her.

There are always 2 sides to every story and your mothers response seems a huge overreaction to what you did, even although what you did was rude.

You admitted to being 40 mins late and didn’t bother to hand the money over in person, that’s rude & ungrateful. Your time is not more important than her time and it wouldn’t have hurt to give advance notice of your lateness. If I’m honest your passive aggressive behaviour isn’t really much better than her aggressive behaviour. You sound a right pair.

That said, if she let herself into your house without permission and frightened or upset your kids then you really ought to have no contact with the woman. If she cannot treat you and your children with respect the she does not get the privilege of a relationship with her grandchildren.

Theres something missing from
all this and I don’t know what it is. You can’t have it all ways. She is never going to be the mum you want and you will never be the daughter she wants. The sooner one or both of you accept and act on this the easier life will become. Walk away from her and don’t engage or you’ll be stuck in this kind of cycle forever.

YABU to subject your children to known abusers!

You have to remove these abusers from yours and your children's lives. She is using money to control you. You could start by putting up boundaries and not letting her in your house. Not accepting the gifts she sends. Pay her the tenner but then cut her off from Netflix. She's an awful woman. I wouldn't let the younger ones spend time with either honestly. I think it was fine that you posted it through. You were protecting yourself. You need to do more of it.

YWBU to be running late without giving them a heads up, but that pales into insignificance alongside their actions.

If you can't bear to cut them off completely, at least put some boundaries in place. No borroqing money and no keys to your house for starters! And see them a LOT less often.

I didn't borrow the money, she insisted I have anew bed ASAP, had it delivered to my house. Paid it back in full. I don't ask or borrow from anyone
This is very strange. Why did you let her 'buy' you a new bed? In fact, she wasn't buying it, if she was expecting to be repaid. If you let this carry on, what's to stop her having a whole load of new furniture delivered to your house? Weird.

Why on earth do you have anything to do with them?
Why on earth would you give such people a key to your house?
Why on earth would you borrow money from them?

You are being very unreasonable for not having cut contact years ago.

OP, you know what your parents are like. You're choosing to have a (toxic) relationship with them. Please break the cycle before your children are on waiting lists for counselling themselves.

Cut them out of your life. The children won't miss going to the odd park visit with them.

It’s very easy to judge, but please remember that OP is a product of her upbringing, and probably says what she needs to say to keep things from being difficult.

Meanwhile, OP, I completely understand your situation. The reason she wants cash is to keep contact. The reason she has things delivered is so that she can control the dialogue/relationship.

Despite the ways in which you are so aware of the situation, in others you are still deeply intrenched. Someone who hasn’t been raised like this -

• would not be receiving furniture unexpectedly
• would not be letting a difficult relative have keys
• would be clear about what constitutes reasonable behaviour (from her and you)
• would realise that keeping a relationship with a difficult relative at any cost (to you and your children) is not viable.

Why did your mum even know your bed was broken? If my mother was the type to buy a bed for me without me and my partner having any say, then I certainly wouldn’t tell her this kind of thing. I only draw that as an example so you can reflect on how you are shaping things with your parents.
Based on what you have written you are unreasonable to leave your children with your parents. You seem to have some resentment about their limited childcare support to you but why would you want their help if they are going to be toxic with your kids?
I don’t think your handling of this evening was terribly mature.

As others have said, you really need to consider no contact with her- she’s toxic and you’re exposing your children to her ways by staying in contact

I honestly don’t think that you helped yourself with this one.

If my son was going to be that late he’d let me know.That’s basic manners. I’d also be upset if he then just pushed an envelope through the door because actually I would have now wasted my evening because of his actions.

@Sellorkeep - I wonder if the day out with the grandchildren is an attempt to make normal happy family type memories. Until she sorts out the mess her parents created, no amount of pleasant interactions will make a difference. They are just a place marker before dropping yet another bomb.

SO often we say “but I just want them to….”. If wishing made it so, we’d all have kind parents.

Honestly you need to write her a letter telling her you want nothing to do with her anymore. She is toxic and damaging you and your kids. The damage to your kids will continue, don’t give her the opportunity. You need to protect them. You’ll be enmeshed in the fear, obligation, guilt cycle at the minute but you need to jump. I did with my bullying, narc mother and it was the best thing I ever did. I’d put it off for years due to fear of her reaction.

You desperately need counselling. If my parents psychologically abused me there is no chance they would be allowed to be around my children. I would be non contact. You need to garner some strength from somewhere and cut them off.

I didn't borrow the money, she insisted I have anew bed ASAP, had it delivered to my house. Paid it back in full. I don't ask or borrow from anyone.

So, you took the bed and are using it? If you don’t want to be in this situation, when a bed that you have not ordered rocks up to your front door you don’t accept it. State you have not ordered it and don’t accept it. If it’s just left then don’t take it in and if you know your mother ordered it call her and tell her you are perplexed as you don’t want the bed and she will either need to organise it to be returned or will need to come collect herself somehow before it is ruined outside by weather or taken by someone. Anything else is on you. If you accepted the bed, that’s on you. You are acting like a victim here.

I was Psychologically abused as a teenager, because my Mother and Step-Dad were extremely aggressive, toffee nosed, paranoid, self-entitled...the list goes on. Fast forward many years later - They knocked down my self confidence so much that I don't even keep mirrors in the house and avoid my reflection at all costs. I won't wear sleeveless dresses in the summer or anything that's not baggy. I have body dysmorphia because of the damage done.

So, given this you think it’s appropriate for them to routinely have your kids and take them out for the day? This is how you describe your parents, and this is what you claim and you are happy for them to take your kids. Do you not believe in safeguarding your kids?

Your posts are very long and a bit confused, it seems like you are jumping between incidents in your mind. Still, clearly you don't get along with your parents, so it's time to pull back; stop borrowing money and asking for childcare, just stop seeing them until you at least get your own head straight about boundaries. Teach the family to keep doors locked, nobody should be running around in your house when you are out.

YABU for keeping them in your lives.
You we’re abused as a teenager, they are/ were extremely aggressive and you still allow them to see your 2 young children. Protect your children!

I did wipe the floor with her for involving my daughter. The eldest point blank refuses to spend time with her and has stood up for herself against her. The youngest two enjoy going to the park with them, so I don't want to take that away. I will if they start treating them the same way. I am trying to be diplomatic. Trying not to use my children as weapons.

im not been funny but you won’t stop it if they start treating the other two the same way because you won’t notice it. Or notice it too late, or keep making excuses, give one more chance. They’ve obviously abused your eldest and you either didn’t notice or didn’t protect her. Why allow them to do the same to your youngest? There will also be stuff the kids don’t tell you which you don’t see when they’re at the park together. It took ten plus years for Dd to tell me some,of the stuff her grandmother had said and done to her, heartbreaking emotional abuse.

I remember my mother making me feel like that. The little digs about things. The aggression that was blamed on me "for being disrespectful"

I am 25 years N/C and it's a breath of fresh air. As you say, you have a wonderful MIL. So ditch your abusive narc mother.

I once had to borrow money from my mother. The store I worked for had gone under overnight. As a result I had to claim Jobseekers allowance.

It was that long ago it's when you received a giro through the post, and one Saturday, mine didn't arrive, plunging me into crisis as I obviously couldn't contact anyone until Monday. I reluctantly asked to borrow some money. She refused and instead she bought me some bits from Tesco. It came to £10.05p. Once I had sorted out the missing giro, I told her I could pay her back. At the time I was getting £35 a week. I asked if she could grab it as she drove past to get to the town centre and she refused, saying I had borrowed it so could return it. I had to get the bus to do so which cost me £4.50. I handed her a ten pound note and she started going mad on the doorstep about the 5p. Utterly screeching at me. I didn't have a 5p piece so gave her 20p and she refused to give me anything back and said I should be happy not to be charged interest.

Honestly, they never change. They just rely on you putting up with it due to them being your parent.

If you have a broken piece of furniture, join Freecycle or Freegle.

Your DM was bang out of order to burst in to your room, however I would be pissed off if I had sat in waiting for someone and delaying my dinner and they were late.

I’m confused! They live round the corner so why didn’t your dh just pop over with the money as arranged? Also, if they do just live round the corner how come you didn’t pass each other when they went round to your house? Why are you leaving young children in the care of a teen who’s got mental health concerns?
You say you both had places to go after you dropped the money off which is why you didnt go in, but you also say DH had to get back to prep for a very prestigious job interview the following day.
Netflix costs an extra £3 for an additional log in - I know because I have it for my DD. So over 5 years thats only £36 x 5 = £180. Just change the password!

Very bad form agreeing to be at someone's home at a specific time, not contacting them to say you'll be late, saying you'll be there in 15min when they call you, and then not actually turning up!!

Rest of it, reduce contact. You don't like her, but you use her for money, childcare etc.

Change your locks. Change your Netflix password. Don’t accept any money or gifts off them (not sure if you had said you wanted the bed or if a random bed just turned up on the doorstep from them, but you can send deliveries away if you don’t want them).

Sometimes it helps to have a break from people. I’d suggest cutting contact for a while. The younger two will barely notice.