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AIBU?

Does anyone else find having friends stressful so don't bother too much

123 replies

girlfriend44 · 02/10/2022 22:43

Quite a few friends stress threads today. I also today unusually am abot passed off with a friend.
Does anyone find friends hard work and so you don't bother having any or worrying about it.
At times its like trying to maintain a relationship and you've always got to try and work out what the others doing or thinking?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 14:30

Ok, let's put it another way, how did you meet the friends you have?
I have one from childhood - we don't communicate all the time but I love her to bits - that shared past means a lot. I have two from a kind of support group that was to do with my late husband's job. A few from social media who I met up with 20-30 years ago. One former neighbour who is a good friend & I have lots in common with. I wouldn't call any BFF's & I might not see any of them for AGES, which suits me & presumably them too. We all have busy lives.
I do spend a lot of my time alone, but that's just me, I get exhausted after peopley days! :-)

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mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 14:32

@girlfriend44 Exactly that. I don't have the headspace for it. I'm there if anyone needs me, but not going to spend hours on the phone!

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WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 14:35

The thing about friendships is that they can really help to break out of very entrenched ‘family’ dynamics, and open up your world.

I have some family members - steps and half siblings who have zero friendships and they are very closed and small minded.

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antelopevalley · 03/10/2022 15:03

mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 14:32

@girlfriend44 Exactly that. I don't have the headspace for it. I'm there if anyone needs me, but not going to spend hours on the phone!

Why assume friends mean this?

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EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/10/2022 15:23

It's worth making the effort to maintain them.
Our friendship group stopped meeting for a few years but we're arranging a meet up monthly, it ends up quarterly but we try to make the effort.

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antelopevalley · 03/10/2022 15:42

I belong to a sports club with quite a few middle-aged women attending. Most of them come along after a split with their partner and the realisation they have no friends.

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wingsandstrings · 03/10/2022 16:09

Sometimes some aspects of friendships can be stressful. But so can having a romantic partner, having kids, having a job, and traveling . . . . but I wouldn't want to miss out on all these and i wouldn't want to miss out on friends. Friends can bring stress, but I've always found it outweighed by joy, fun, people who I can rely on, and a sense of community.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2022 16:23

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 14:35

The thing about friendships is that they can really help to break out of very entrenched ‘family’ dynamics, and open up your world.

I have some family members - steps and half siblings who have zero friendships and they are very closed and small minded.

Exactly. Relying on a small, closed network of people makes you inward looking, lacking in perspective and just restricts you in every possible way. So unhealthy. I just also don't understand why people can devote so much time to family or romantic relationships and find none for outside friends. It just doesn't compute for me.

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clowerina · 03/10/2022 16:28

I find that with many friends now I am early 40s their behaviours have really started to wind me up - e.g. overly dominating friends, drama queens / kings, different values, strong political differences (to the point whereby I find it unbearable), changes in behaviour, misogyny, snobbery, passive aggressive behaviour etc.

I have pondered if I am the cause of the breakdown of many friendships but I think I am less tolerant of bullshit as I get older. And I know I am not perfect in myself. But yes sometimes it is easier to step back from old friendships and keep one's small friendship community tight knit rather than overly regular and filled with drama.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2022 17:16

clowerina · 03/10/2022 16:28

I find that with many friends now I am early 40s their behaviours have really started to wind me up - e.g. overly dominating friends, drama queens / kings, different values, strong political differences (to the point whereby I find it unbearable), changes in behaviour, misogyny, snobbery, passive aggressive behaviour etc.

I have pondered if I am the cause of the breakdown of many friendships but I think I am less tolerant of bullshit as I get older. And I know I am not perfect in myself. But yes sometimes it is easier to step back from old friendships and keep one's small friendship community tight knit rather than overly regular and filled with drama.

Getting older certainly enables people to take a more dispassionate view on their friends. Sometimes people tolerate behaviour from people they have known a lifetime which they would not tolerate in a new friendship. That’s fine, it’s all part of growing up.

But that doesn’t mean you call time on friendship as a concept. It just means you become more discerning in who you choose as a friend.

Shutting yourself off to the nature of friendship won’t help this at all, if anything it will make it harder to find new and invigorating friendships.

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Courgeon · 03/10/2022 17:23

I have a few very lovely friends but not a friendship gang. And I don't cling on to friendships just because I've known them for ages, also if there's a lack of reciprocation I let them go as I'm not prepared to be in a dynamic where there's a lack of equality.

I too find the strict weekend is family time only dynamic stifling and weird... And boring! I've just caught up with a friend today, her and her DH basically cut themselves off from the world for years as they felt they only needed each other and family. They've both suffered for it to be honest. You need other people than your immediate family in your life.

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alanabennett · 03/10/2022 18:51

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2022 10:14

@Adropofink

You're right it can be difficult and daunting. And sometimes people feel phased out by their friends or just feel that they aren't getting enough back from certain friends or friendship groups. It can be very disheartening.

But the thing is its an investment and you have to be in it to win it.

I know so many women who have got to a certain point in their lives where they've met a bloke, had children (and often are working too) and they just feel that this is the one thing they can't afford to invest in so they let it slide and then become cynical about the nature of friendship itself. Invariably these women end up isolated. And if the marriage fails, which is does in just under half of cases, it's terrifying to be in a position where there is no external support.

It's superficially very seductive to think "I'm going to let it all go". But it's a massive mistake.

You shouldn't feel that you have to sustain toxic friendships or run yourself ragged to see people you can't be bothered to see. But you do need to invest in having other networks. If this means occasionally dragging yourself out to things you can't really face, so be it. If it means making new friends, then you have to try.

Don't leave yourself with no one to rely on but your husband or DP. It's a very slippery slope.

I completely agree with everything you've said. What particularly resonates is "dragging yourself to things" you don't really fancy. I moved to a place which is notorious for being very open to outsiders and had to really battle to make friends. I dragged myself out to many an occasion I really didn't want to but 9/10 times I was so glad I'd gone. Not saying every connection became a close friend, but it helped both with building a network of acquaintances and keeping my small talk skills active 😀

I do think on MN though (and perhaps it's a self-selecting group) there are so many people who, frankly, are not willing to put themselves out there or inconvenience themselves (e.g. helping out a neighbor, volunteering at a school event, etc) so it's not really a surprise that friendships don't come easily. As someone upthread said, "You've got to be in it to win it."

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alanabennett · 03/10/2022 18:55

*not being very open to outsiders

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mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 19:47

@antelopevalley Sadly, after quite a few phone calls like that.. one was between 4-5 hrs, all about herself, short of hanging up I just could NOT get away. I had to get my kids to call me on the other phone.. :-(

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user1477391263 · 06/10/2022 03:41

What particularly resonates is "dragging yourself to things" you don't really fancy. I moved to a place which is notorious for being very open to outsiders and had to really battle to make friends. I dragged myself out to many an occasion I really didn't want to but 9/10 times I was so glad I'd gone. Not saying every connection became a close friend, but it helped both with building a network of acquaintances and keeping my small talk skills active 😀

Agree with what you and the poster you quote from says.

I often see posts on here from people who need help with personal things, need help with practical things, are struggling to find a job because they don't seem to hear about opportunities that come up. I have a feeling that a lot of these people have spent many years just not "bothering" with friends. You need to invest in people.

I've worked from home for years, and go out of my way to make sure I have a good network of friends and go out and do things and meet people. Because it's so important for mental and physical health, because even if it feels like an effort you just feel so good once you've made the effort and got yourself out there, and because personal networking is especially invaluable once you are no longer appearing at a physical workplace.

There's been a big increase in WFH in the past two years for obvious reasons, and I worry that a lot of people are going to end up incredibly isolated and with all their social and personal skills atrophying like unused muscles.

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Friendofdennis · 07/10/2022 12:12

I think this thread is fascinating, especially reading about people who don’t want friendships. I like people and having a good chat with certain friends. But others are all about their own dramas and they seem to guilt trip you into not abandoning them. Sometimes I’ve stuck at friendships as a personal challenge to myself but eventually have to let them go when the one sidedness gets too much. On the whole a couple of interesting and interested friends are enough for me

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Thepeopleversuswork · 07/10/2022 12:19

@user1477391263

There's been a big increase in WFH in the past two years for obvious reasons, and I worry that a lot of people are going to end up incredibly isolated and with all their social and personal skills atrophying like unused muscles.

I found it slightly disturbing, when the lockdowns were at their height, reading endless posts from people celebrating not having to be sociable. Of course it's nice to be let off the hook with a social event you don't want to go to and I know a lot of introverts and people with anxiety struggle with social overload but so many people were coming on here going "urgh I hate having friends/being sociable, why can't I be left alone forever?" etc. There was something really awful about the way they were actively celebrating being awkward and isolationist.

Invariably these people are all married or cohabiting as well so they all seem to be perfectly prepared to make the effort with a husband or partner but somehow find it really intrusive when it comes to female friends. Really depressing.

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kittycatscollar · 08/10/2022 21:35

Thedogscollar · 02/10/2022 22:55

I'm the opposite. My friends are interwoven into my life they are a huge part of my life and I love them like family. We work together play together relax together. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Are you in nursing?

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AliO50 · 08/10/2022 22:05

I agree to a certain degree. Sometimes a friend can change or perhaps it’s the real personality coming out. I’ve got a friend who talks over me and other people, sometimes is just mean and rude. I had become a bit of a: doormat but I’m now standing up for myself with her and gradually withdrawing. It’s been very stressful at times. I have got some good friends thankfully.

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soulinablackberrypie · 09/10/2022 11:40

Kind of. I am quite a solitary person by nature and have never had more than two or three close friends at one time, and currently do not have any, though I have a big group of less close friends through a shared interest. Some years ago I had a close friendship with a person who was very clingy and needy, and they eventually broke friends with me quite dramatically because they felt I wasn't given them enough of my time and energy. At that point I promised myself I would never actively seek a close friend again but just spend more time with my casual friends, so I had a social life but none of the dramas. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of another close friendship if it developed naturally, but at the first sign of the other person being clingy or a drama queen I think I would pull back a bit. Friendship shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable or under pressure.

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legophoenix · 09/10/2022 11:48

I love having friends and always enjoy my time with them, but I do find it difficult keeping up with and spending quality time with them for the following reasons:

  1. I don't have one big group of friends. I have about 5 different sub groups of 3/4 people so it's extremely difficult trying to find time to fit them all in.
  2. I have SEN kids who take up a lot of time and energy so sometimes when it comes round to doing something with friends I literally don't have the energy.
  3. I enjoy my own company and peace and quiet so I sometimes opt for that over seeing friends.
  4. Everyone has busy lives so sometimes it's difficult to all tie up at the same time.
  5. Have to be in the mood for certain people - I have nice but boring group, party animal group, friends from school chatarama group, school mums group, neighbours etc etc
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Metabigot · 09/10/2022 13:25

AliO50 · 08/10/2022 22:05

I agree to a certain degree. Sometimes a friend can change or perhaps it’s the real personality coming out. I’ve got a friend who talks over me and other people, sometimes is just mean and rude. I had become a bit of a: doormat but I’m now standing up for myself with her and gradually withdrawing. It’s been very stressful at times. I have got some good friends thankfully.

My best friend of 20years changed beyond all recognition and ended up being very nasty to me on a trip away when i was going through a bad time due to some other unrelated stuff in my life and she wouldn't let me even mention it.

I then pulled away from the friendship and she got upset when I invited another mutual friend away to somewhere we had previously discussed as a possible idea but made no firm plans.

Dramatic row ensued and friendship over. I need to learn to do the slow fade though as the dramatic nasty ending was no gun and actually made me ill with stress/ grief for a few weeks after.

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Cuppasoupmonster · 09/10/2022 13:28

No, I love my friends and they enhance my life. When everything gets too much seeing them is like a reset button for me. But I’ve been friends with them since the first year of secondary school so we have a lot of history and know each other inside out.

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