Does anyone else find having friends stressful so don't bother too much

[girlfriend44]

Quite a few friends stress threads today. I also today unusually am abot passed off with a friend.
Does anyone find friends hard work and so you don't bother having any or worrying about it.
At times its like trying to maintain a relationship and you've always got to try and work out what the others doing or thinking?

[Snoken]

I can understand the feeling when you have a young family, and trying to squeeze in time with your friends too, but it is so worth keeping up with friendships in my opinion. I am now mid-40s, both my kids are young adults and although we spend time together, we don't tend to spend every weekend together etc. so I really value all my friends and all the nights out, long walks, gallery visits, wine filled lunches, weekend trips etc and I am glad I didn't let the friendships go during the years it was hard to juggle it all. I also look at my mum who is mid-70s and how much joy she gets from having her girlfriends around to do stuff with during the week. I am glad I didn't put my husband before my girlfriends because after 24 years together he is now in the process of becoming an ex, but my girlfriends have all stuck by me, as I have with them.

[Adropofink]

@Connection2Attention

This thread is sad.

I have friendships that have spanned decades. They aren't stressful and I can be my authentic self with them. If I don't want to socialise I can bail out and say I want to sit in my pants at home and not talk to anyone see you next time - and vice versa. No hard feelings and no pressure or stress.

I really love and value my friends. My life would be pretty lonely and sad without them.

And you are so lucky to have had that, I wish I did, but I don’t, why? Just hasn’t worked out that way. I think the fact you have had this and it has perhaps been easy in a way, you can’t understand how people have got into the position where they don’t have this. I see long standing groups of friends all the time and as kind and friendly as I am I'm not accepted into them, I’ll never become one of the gang. Have you welcomed any new friends recently? Made an effort to develop something new? I often think those who already have their long friends who they love don’t really need or care to find new ones which means people like me have no chance of ever having what you have.

[Snoken]

@Adropofink

And you are so lucky to have had that, I wish I did, but I don’t, why? Just hasn’t worked out that way. I think the fact you have had this and it has perhaps been easy in a way, you can’t understand how people have got into the position where they don’t have this. I see long standing groups of friends all the time and as kind and friendly as I am I'm not accepted into them, I’ll never become one of the gang. Have you welcomed any new friends recently? Made an effort to develop something new? I often think those who already have their long friends who they love don’t really need or care to find new ones which means people like me have no chance of ever having what you have.

I have quite a few friends, but I am also making new friends. I have two new friends I have only known a matter of months, two friends that I have known 5-6 years, then some I met in my 20's and early 30's and two from childhood. I don't think it's impossible to make new friends, you just have change things up a bit so that you meet these friends. The two I have gotten to know in the last few months I met because I moved and joined a small pilates group. There's only about 6 of us, and I hit it off with two of them so we started going out for a coffee after class, and now we see each other once or twice a week for a coffee or a walk and this weekend we are going out to lunch. It doesn't always work out, I have done plenty of hobbies where I haven't met anyone I click with, but every now and again I do and it's lovely.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@Adropofink

You're right it can be difficult and daunting. And sometimes people feel phased out by their friends or just feel that they aren't getting enough back from certain friends or friendship groups. It can be very disheartening.

But the thing is its an investment and you have to be in it to win it.

I know so many women who have got to a certain point in their lives where they've met a bloke, had children (and often are working too) and they just feel that this is the one thing they can't afford to invest in so they let it slide and then become cynical about the nature of friendship itself. Invariably these women end up isolated. And if the marriage fails, which is does in just under half of cases, it's terrifying to be in a position where there is no external support.

It's superficially very seductive to think "I'm going to let it all go". But it's a massive mistake.

You shouldn't feel that you have to sustain toxic friendships or run yourself ragged to see people you can't be bothered to see. But you do need to invest in having other networks. If this means occasionally dragging yourself out to things you can't really face, so be it. If it means making new friends, then you have to try.

Don't leave yourself with no one to rely on but your husband or DP. It's a very slippery slope.

[pfs]

I think there is some truth in your statement. As the saying goes ''hell is other people.''

For many of us our pools of friends will naturally decline and diminish in our later 20s/early 30s simply because kids/marriages take priority. I am single and mid 30s and find that my friends have largely moved on. I am more content now doing my own thing as in the past I was much more needy but agreed I find the less people the less stress as friends/people can stress you out and cause problems/pain.

For most of us by our 30s a very few/to even 1 close friends is enough.

[Connection2Attention]

@Adropofink yes I do make new friends but deep friendships do take years to form. I think they become deep when you're there for each other in times of vulnerability and they ebb and flow. They accept me for who I am and I accept them. It does take years to form.

[pfs]

yes I do make new friends but deep friendships do take years to form. I think they become deep when you're there for each other in times of vulnerability and they ebb and flow. They accept me for who I am and I accept them. It does take years to form

yea but the problem with the ''deep friendships'' are that if they betray you it hurts/causes so much worse pain.

[HenryPlease]

I am lucky to have a few close friends that I’ve known since school days, who are fairly low maintenance ie. We are always there for each other in a crisis or to support each other’s happy life moments, but we only see each other every couple of months and the odd call or message in between.

I can’t really ‘do’ needy friends. I need my space. I also don’t make new friends easily, because I’m aware that I just about manage to happily maintain the friendships I have. I wouldn’t want any more social interaction ir commitment, to be honest.

Majes me sound miserable - I’m not, honest! But I have a full on, full time job, DH and kids, family and 6 good friends. I can’t really give much more than that!

[mooongooose]

@Thepeopleversuswork

I find this thread profoundly disturbing.

Friends are probably the most important bulwark you have against some of the most negative things which can happen to women socially: against domestic abuse, and social isolation in particular.

I see this narrative frequently on MN and elsewhere which goes roughly "oh I only need my little family now, can't be bothered with friends, they cause too much drama". Not only is it appallingly smug its so dangerous to think like this.

Scary that people think just because they are now washing some bloke's pants they are too evolved to want to hang out with other women. And the fact that society still perpetuates this myth really frightens me.

Friends give you perspective on your relationship and family setup which it would be very very foolish to give up. A good friend will always know if a husband has become controlling or is just starting to limit you. Friends keep you sane and provide a lifeline. You give them up at your peril.

You don't have to go out with them all weekend every weekend. But keep your hand in. Finding time for a few coffees/drinks every now and then could be what keeps you sane in the future.

You're seeing things through your own experience. Making new friends can be very difficult, it's not the same as having a bunch of BFFs all your life. That's why people find it tiring. I doubt anyone would turn away an amazing friendship for no reason, it's generally fine to lack of time, lack of people who you click with, you try and it doesn't progress, shyness, anxiety etc.

Point is, nobody wants to be alone, there are reasons people throw in the towel meeting new people

[mooongooose]

And you are so lucky to have had that, I wish I did, but I don’t, why? Just hasn’t worked out that way. I think the fact you have had this and it has perhaps been easy in a way, you can’t understand how people have got into the position where they don’t have this. I see long standing groups of friends all the time and as kind and friendly as I am I'm not accepted into them, I’ll never become one of the gang. Have you welcomed any new friends recently? Made an effort to develop something new? I often think those who already have their long friends who they love don’t really need or care to find new ones which means people like me have no chance of ever having what you have.

@Adropofink, yes. I think people who are settle down Cerys extreme friendships can't see it from anyone else's perspective.

[courgettigreensadwater]

@2pinkginsplease

I don’t find friendship hard work however I do now only make an effort with the friends who make an effort with me.

some “friends” forget that contact works both ways.

💯

[fallonshorse]

I don't understand the health benefits, especially re. dementia? Is there some study or link? It seems indiscriminate to me, dementia.

I'd cull the drama-seekers and the needy, from my friendship group, OP. They're exhausting and can't be good for the health. See who is left. Better to have only a couple of thoroughly decent people than a lot who aren't real friends.
Also gossiping behind backs, in a big way, can be a good reason to drop friendships

I'm closer with family members and have plenty of acquaintances, and nowadays I'm quite brutal in weeding out the negative friendships, both online (though I don't have as much time for online as I did when DC was a baby) and in real life.

[FluffySocksAndHotChocolate]

YANBU.

I have one friend who only talks about herself, doesn't even pause to take a breath as it's a second wasted not talking about herself. Never asks how I am, never invites me anywhere just wants to sit round at mine and talk at me constantly and it's so draining especially when there are things I need to talk about and get off my chest.
Another friend who just goes AWOL for months. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I've given up making an effort and then get moaned at asking why I don't bother anymore.

[fallonshorse]

Majes me sound miserable - I’m not, honest! But I have a full on, full time job, DH and kids, family and 6 good friends. I can’t really give much more than that!

Same here. I'm polite and friendly but I find myself politely declining invitations and keeping people at arm's length as I'm spread too thinly to socialise more.

That's why I'd recommend people joining hobby or exercise groups, as if you stick with them there will be opportunities to socialise, or just the minimal social interaction participating in the group activity brings.

[Appleandoranges]

I think sometimes too much value is placed on having "deep" friendships. I think having people who you can just have a bit of chat to on a superficial basis sometimes is a good thing and can lift your mood. It doesn't have to be that "deep"/BFF/someone who you can rely on in bad times etc. Also the problems with friendships is sometimes because people have different needs at different times. So some people may be happy seeing someone once or twice a year/others need a weekly phone call etc

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@mooongooose

Making new friends can be very difficult, it's not the same as having a bunch of BFFs all your life. That's why people find it tiring. I doubt anyone would turn away an amazing friendship for no reason, it's generally fine to lack of time, lack of people who you click with, you try and it doesn't progress, shyness, anxiety etc.

I totally get this. But the same people who say they find it tiring etc are typically investing the time in their domestic relationships. So there is energy available for this. But a lot of people seem to think that once they are married/coupled up they no longer need to bother with independent friendships.

Also you say no one would turn down an amazing friendship for no reason but there's no such thing as an instant friendship. They require work and investment in the same way that a romantic relationship does but for some reason a lot of people seem to think that once they are settled this falls to the bottom of the priority list.

[antelopevalley]

@fallonshorse

I don't understand the health benefits, especially re. dementia? Is there some study or link? It seems indiscriminate to me, dementia.

I'd cull the drama-seekers and the needy, from my friendship group, OP. They're exhausting and can't be good for the health. See who is left. Better to have only a couple of thoroughly decent people than a lot who aren't real friends.
Also gossiping behind backs, in a big way, can be a good reason to drop friendships

I'm closer with family members and have plenty of acquaintances, and nowadays I'm quite brutal in weeding out the negative friendships, both online (though I don't have as much time for online as I did when DC was a baby) and in real life.

It is because social support makes a big difference to health, including dementia. Loneliness is bad for your health.
Some people have lots of close family support all their life, but most people do not. People die, get ill, move across the country, are busy with their own stuff. Some people are happy with just one person e.g. a partner, but most people are happier with more than one person in their life.

[antelopevalley]

@mooongooose

You're seeing things through your own experience. Making new friends can be very difficult, it's not the same as having a bunch of BFFs all your life. That's why people find it tiring. I doubt anyone would turn away an amazing friendship for no reason, it's generally fine to lack of time, lack of people who you click with, you try and it doesn't progress, shyness, anxiety etc.

Point is, nobody wants to be alone, there are reasons people throw in the towel meeting new people

There is a big difference between:

• I see friends as important but its hard to make friends

To

• I don't wnt to make friends as they are unimportant now I have my husband and kids.

[gatehouseoffleet]

Not only is it appallingly smug its so dangerous to think like this

Well I think the people who constantly go on about their amazing friends are smug.

You are very lucky if you are part of a gang who goes for long walks, to wine bars, on holiday etc.

I don't understand the health benefits, especially re. dementia Social contact is a known preventative (or least slower down) of dementia. But of course everyone is different, and some people will find social contact stressful and not conducive to good mental health at all.

[Phos]

I'd like to have a few more friends locally - my good friends live a distance away now (uni, work, family...) and my local friends tend to be people I only know through our kids so it's not real friendship.

I get how it's stressful. I imagine most of the people saying they have nothing but positives are ones who are still friends with people from school. It's incredibly stressful forming and maintaining newer relationships.

[gatehouseoffleet]

a lot of people seem to think that once they are married/coupled up they no longer need to bother with independent friendships

This is true - or the "weekends are family time" and refuse to see anyone who isn't a blood relation.

I'd recommend people joining hobby or exercise groups, as if you stick with them there will be opportunities to socialise, or just the minimal social interaction participating in the group activity brings

I also agree with this, even if they're not good friends, they are still people you can have a chat with while doing the hobby and maybe go to a Christmas do or whatever.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@antelopevalley

Quite. But also I just struggle to understand a mindset that finds making friends with people of the same sex "draining" or "stressful" or "toxic" but doesn't find the same issue with their intimate relationships. How does that work?

An intimate relationship such as a marriage is far harder to initiate and nurture than is a friendship. So much more work goes into it. So much more preparation and manicuring in the early stages. Why is it that you can throw everything into first date readiness and then into the ongoing management of an intimate relationship but you can't find the energy to reply to a WhatsApp inviting you to drinks on Friday? I genuinely don't understand this.

@gatehouseoffleet

I'm talking about "going on about amazing friends". I'm talking about occasionally making an effort to see people who aren't my husband or DP. What's smug about that?

[mooongooose]

@Appleandoranges

I think sometimes too much value is placed on having "deep" friendships. I think having people who you can just have a bit of chat to on a superficial basis sometimes is a good thing and can lift your mood. It doesn't have to be that "deep"/BFF/someone who you can rely on in bad times etc. Also the problems with friendships is sometimes because people have different needs at different times. So some people may be happy seeing someone once or twice a year/others need a weekly phone call etc

I think so. Deep friendships are great but if you were dealt a poor hand in life it's not possible (disability, childhood abuse and mental health issues, living situation, just struggle to make besties).

Having a network is important, for anyone reading who feels inadequate or lonely. It can be anyone you can talk to, maybe vent to about life. It can be partner, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, coworkers, neighbours, acquaintances who you see every week.

[Metabigot]

I've gone the social network route following a major fallout with supposed good long term friends. Much less pressure. I joined the WI and go for piss ups to wine bars with them once a month. Just turn up and chat. No 'I texted first last time/ will they get a better offer/ do I look sad being the one to ask them what they're doing' bullshit.

Over time I may make one on one friendships from these types of casual networks. If so great, if not they are a fallback.

I'd love to spend more time on a particular sport/hobby where I'm sure I'd make friends through regular interaction but as it would take up a full day every weekend I can't really commit to that until the kids have left home.

[girlfriend44]

These meet up groups on the internet look so full on, they are always going out etc, meals, drinks, etc how do they afford it all.