Does anyone else find having friends stressful so don't bother too much

[girlfriend44]

Quite a few friends stress threads today. I also today unusually am abot passed off with a friend.
Does anyone find friends hard work and so you don't bother having any or worrying about it.
At times its like trying to maintain a relationship and you've always got to try and work out what the others doing or thinking?

No, having a good circle of friends is very important to me. It does take work but I don't find it stressful.

I have no friends.

I have acquaintances and colleagues but not friends.

I'm not in the least bit bothered tbh and perfectly happy.

I feel exactly the same

I find people exhausting, even on a basic level. I work mostly alone, apart from 30 mins when I start work and around 15 mins when I finish. That's enough people time for me.
I'm too busy with the things that I enjoy in life now that my children are all adults to want to find time or the energy for friends.

If friends equal drama it is either the friends you are choosing, or it is your lack of social skills.
All relationships take some investment. You have to care about other people and show that, not just be a taker. But it should enhance your life.
But it does take decent social skills and not everyone has them. Some people make dramas out of thin air, others cause issues because they do not communicate clearly, other people are just takers.

Some friends are easy and I know where I stand. But some I try to maintain a bond and I just don't hear from them.

It's exhausting. I think I'm so far down their friend hierarchy I end up as diary fodder when thy have nothing better to do. But I enjoy their company so it must be me who is no fun. 🤷‍♂️

I kind of get this. Although I would say that good friends are like gold. Unlike family they chose you and you chose the. Unlike partners it’s not about a contract, sex or dependency. Unlike family and partners they keep a lot of their own different perspectives which is so healthy for us, to keep us open.

However even with my good friends, I don’t know but having a child with disabilities has made me ditch some really long standing ones. I realised how much it was all about making the effort for them, and less back. Which I just can’t keep on doing anymore. Sad really.

I get it. I simply can’t be arsed with the drama and obligation. I far prefer the company of my sisters and husband (and I’m usually either working or with my kids anyway I don’t really have the capacity for much more than that right now).

I have one good friend who I wish I could see more but when she comes to my house she never fucking leaves. I’ll be up trying to get the kids to sleep, having spent a full day with her already, and I’ll come back downstairs and she’s still sitting there. She has the hide of a rhino and simply does not get it. It is so intrusive and I can’t bear it. So she’s a WhatsApp friend only these days…

It is honestly a lot of hard work is having friends. I just find all the organising meeting up etc hard womr. It's like dating! But without the sex 😒

I have had a few good friends in my life and probably could have turned a few friendships into stronger and longer lasting ones, but I’m really mostly happy on my own. My pets are my best friends. I think many people are more introverted (not shy) than they realise.

I doubt that "friends" are the key to a long, happy life. Instead, I believe that having some type of social connection is important. Almost everyone needs someone to talk to, but if you have good, solid relationships with your family, or your partner, or your own children, that may be enough.

No violins please but I’m deaf and it’s a huge struggle. I am not part of deaf community (my parents wanted me in mainstream education). As a result, I failed massively at school and etc etc etc don’t have any friends.

I tried so bloody hard but my speech impairment coupled deafness makes it such a struggle that I haven’t got anyone I can call upon as a friend. I really wish I had. I really feel I have made a lot of effort to no avail over the years.

I fear dementia because of a lack of a friendship foundation and now into middle age fear this it is, the odd wave to passing neighbours. I’m so so lonely, I frequently feel suicidal.

OP - sorry for hijacking your post. Feeling pretty bad tonight.

Treasure your friend or friends and family.

I have MH issues so I do go off grid occasionally when very unwell but have many decades long friendships.

I should be someone that doesn’t have friends but I have a lot, don’t spend any time fretting about what people think or trying to second guess. I have messed up two friendships, I regret one but it was becoming difficult to hang out with her due to very differing opinions and the other one was actually just a massive cunt. I have read extensively, done quite a lot of different things like travel round America when young, gone mountain climbing , did modelling, had a motorbike and also some genuinely dangerous crap when manic so have had an incredibly varied and rich life.

I love having friends, have FaceTimed one today who is trying to buy a house and been messaging my friend from primary school about various stuff, she sent me lots of really nice pics of a break she has just had by the sea.

Yes. Friends tend to come with drama and neediness, two things I absolutely can not be bothered with, so in order to keep it out of my life I just don't maintain anything that resembles a 'friendship'.

I have a few acquaintances that I keep in touch with, but it's maybe a message once or twice a month, and we meet maybe a couple of times a year for specific events and purposes. The idea of having someone who is in touch constantly and shares in practically every aspect of my life horrifies me. I don't crave the company of other people, I don't feel any need for nebulous things like 'emotional support' whatever that is, and I don't really have any interest in other people's mundane things like their career or their children, so I'm not the type that insists on staying in touch with people just for the sake of being in touch either.

I've always found that having other people in my life brings far more hassle and headache than it does anything positive and welcome, so I'm far happier just being left alone to do my own thing in privacy. There's nothing worse than someone more or less demanding that you visit to see children etc when you have absolutely no interest in them, and of course, they get offended when you explain that no, you have absolutely no interest in holding or cuddling their baby.

I think a lot of people are so absorbed with their own idea of what life is all about that they just can not comprehend that other people feel differently and neither crave, enjoy, nor welcome all the same things that they do, so they just label you as weird or antisocial, when it's just a case of being honest about not being willing to pander to others and pretend to enjoy things that you can't be bothered with. I don't see why I should waste my time doing things just to keep other people happy, when the same thing makes me miserable. Far too many other things I'd rather be doing.

Friendships are transactional when it comes down to it. Of course, you'll do things for other people because you care, or because you can, or because it gives you a boost to your own wellbeing, and while there's no expectation that it's returned in kind, a friendship that is entirely one-directional and not reciprocal won't remain a friendship for long. If people feel that on balance something like that is beneficial then that's fine for them, but for me there's an implied commitment and investment that I'm not willing to make. I'd rather just have the guaranteed peace and quiet, with absolutely no demands.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be close emotionally to others. But please do not be nasty about it by disparaging other people as being needy.

@Wordwatcher I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I think mainstreaming deaf children was well-intentioned, but often misguided. Have you contacted your local deaf society to see if they can offer any support? There will be other people like you around as well with hearing problems and very lonely.

I'm not attempting to 'disparage' anyone by implying they, personally are needy.

It's a fact of life that some people are needy, unreasonably so in my opinion, and I don't have the patience for it. Sorry if that somehow offends you, but I won't indulge in reality denial either.

You are being disparaging. Most people need human connection and warmth, that does not make them needy.

I think some people, are just more shy or solitary so it’s a huge effort and some are miserable who just actually don’t like many people at all. Maybe my MH issues make me less fearful. But having escaped what was described by my psychiatrist as a brutal childhood, my abusive stepfather tried to kill me when I was 12. I have just always been glad not to have to endure that anymore. When you have walked amongst the darkest depths of humanity it can only be upwards after.

I'm not suggesting most people are needy. I don't understand why you are concluding that I regard people who have pretty typical friendships as needy, I do not, and I am not referring to most people.

The ones who are emotionally incontinent, constantly expecting attention, always seem to have some sort of drama or crisis going on, and quite possibly are secretly incapable of being happy unless there's some sort of drama going on, those are the people I find 'needy', and those are the people I have no time for. Those are certainly not 'most' people, or anything close to it.

Thanks for the explanation. Most people do not like drama although a small group of people do.
Most people also need some warmth and human connection.

Having thought about it, I think my feelings stem from growing up with a raging narc of a grandmother, and the same for a mother. They couldn't stand each other because they both viewed the world as revolving entirely and uniquely around themselves, so they spent all day every day concocting entirely imaginary perceived slights, never had a good word to say about anyone, were totally oblivious to their own toxicity, and had a habit of completely rewriting history to suit their own narrative. Gas-lighters, if you like.

I remember spending most of my childhood and adolescence being completely bewildered by it, and unable to fathom why both of these people seemed to go out of their way to make their own, and everyone else's lives, far more difficult and miserable than they needed to be. I moved cities when I was 17 just to get away from it, and I think ever since then as soon as I see any sort of behaviour that is self-absorbed, no matter who innocent and understandable it is, it sends me into red 'nope' alert.

how*

@XDownwiththissortofthingX That does make sense. You are hyper-alert for behaviour that looks similar to their toxic behaviour.
If you are happy as you are that is fine.
If not you could explore this with a counsellor.

Probably won't come as a surprise to you that I am extremely sceptical and apathetic about counselling :D

I'm sure it's helpful for other people, but I've honestly tried to engage with them objectively before, and I found the entire thing an utterly pointless waste of my time and theirs. I asked them at the very beginning why they felt they were the appropriate service for me to be referred to, and how they were expecting that I'd benefit by investing time with them. They couldn't answer that, only offering me the reassurance that they were confident I'd find it beneficial. I never did, they never managed to give me any indication at all about what I was supposed to be gaining from it, I made it clear to them on a persistent and ongoing basis that I was still not any clearer on what I was I was supposed to be getting out of the therapy, and reassured them that I was taking it seriously and willing to complete the entire course of therapy in good faith.

18 months of religious attendance later, I was, and still am years on, at a complete loss as to what I was supposed to get out of it. It was hours and hours of me taking about historical events while the therapist sat impassively listening, only occasionally throwing out the odd platitude, or blindingly obvious and banal observation that was so self-evident it didn't merit comment. I was so bemused by it I requested a copy of the counsellors final report, and from that it became immediately apparent that her assessment of me was so comically wide of the mark that I considered making a formal complaint to PALS about the waste of time and resources.

I work in a mental health related field, and I have enough professional and personal experience of it to recognise clueless charlatanism in doctors when I see it. But I'm also inclined to give the benefit of doubt, which is why I persisted with it against my better judgement. Needless to say, I'm not interested in any further talking therapies or psychiatric counselling, and I'd reject the offer if it was made. Fortunately I'm no longer in a place where I have any ongoing contact with, or need of NHS mental health services, but I have no end of empathy for people who are still reliant on them. So much so in fact, that I changed career to try and help in some small way. I'm sure there are good therapists and poor therapists, and perhaps I encountered one of the poor ones, but I don't think that explains why neither they, nor the resident consultant who initially approved my referral were ever able to explain to me what benefit I was supposed to feel from attending the therapy sessions. The entire thing felt as haphazard and random as throwing shit at a wall in the hope that some of it stuck, but the only thing they actually achieved was to turn me from being objective and open to the idea, to complete scepticism and disbelief that people can fleece the NHS by practicing something that is esoteric at best, and still contains a large helping of Victorian era nonsense.