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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the funeral....

99 replies

whirleywoo · 02/10/2022 17:15

My OH's Dad passed away suddenly in a car accident. He lived quite some distance away (over 300 miles) and I had only met him on a few occasions. However, my OH had a good relationship with him and is understandably devastated.

When we got the phone call about the accident we dropped everything and we went travelled to be with his step-mum as she has no other family and friends living nearby. This was not easy as I have a child (my child, not my OH) with very complex needs who needs specialist care. I stayed with them as long I could before having to come home for my son.

OH's Dad did not want a formal funeral and there will be a meet at the crematorium of 10 people with a poem read, 2 songs played and then drinks afterwards. When I was told of the potential date I said I would try my best but to bare in mind there was a multi-disciplinary meeting booked with every professional involved in my son's care that day in the afternoon which has taken 18 months to arrange including a court order. I then arranged to attend the meeting virtually so I could be at the funeral and also attend the meeting, thinking I could do both in the same day.

Despite various time options on the day, the crematorium has been booked for the exact time the meeting starts. My OH wants me there but said he did not tell his step-mum about my son's meeting as he wanted to go with whatever time she wanted.

What he now wants is for me to travel up, do the meeting virtually whilst the funeral takes place and just be around before and after it. This is not easy as it's a 600 mile round drive for me and I'll need to arrange two days and nights of care for my son, plus he'll miss two medical appointments.

I want to be there for OH but equally I am starting to consider not going. Would i be unreasonable not to go?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/10/2022 17:19

In an ideal world you would be able to do both but you can’t.

i know I wouldn’t want anyone missing such a vital appointment for my funeral!

YumYummy · 02/10/2022 17:21

I think it’s fine to miss the funeral.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/10/2022 17:23

Difficult situation, but kids first. Always. (As I'm sure you're well aware) he could have told stepmum about the appointment to avoid the time conflict too. So sorry, I'd be going to your sons appointment.

Dacadactyl · 02/10/2022 17:27

Your child comes first in this situation. I think your boyfriend should be more understanding, but obviously hes in shock and probably not thinking straight. YANBU

EL8888 · 02/10/2022 17:29

If it’s so imperative you were there, then why was the funeral booked for when you can’t do? Go to the meeting and not to the funeral

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/10/2022 17:31

Your partner is being incredibly selfish.

CollyWibbleWobbles · 02/10/2022 17:31

You haven't got a choice really . Go to the meeting

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/10/2022 17:32

Do not put your boyfriend in front of the needs of your child. Your instincts are correct - do not be bullied.

This is actually a deal breaker. If your boyfriend turns on you for your choice then you know once and for all what kind of man he is.

Maxaluna · 02/10/2022 17:33

Do you think your partner feels a bit guilty about how much time he spent with his dad before he died, and is trying to make up for it now? It seems very strange that he didn't tell his step mum about this vital conflict of date- surely the funeral could have been arranged on another day never mind time if he'd spoken up? Otherwise the step mum could at least have made the arrangements knowing your previous commitment and the likely consequences (that you won't be able to attend). But instead it seems like he's going along with making the arrangements to be as difficult as possible for you.

In any case, they living come first, and your child must always come before any partner.

Piffpaffpoff · 02/10/2022 17:35

Your meeting about your son takes precedence. I’m with the other posters wondering why your OH didn’t tell step-mum about the time clash, if it was so important to him that you were there.

CassandraBarrett · 02/10/2022 17:36

You have to attend the appointment for your child

Notonthestairs · 02/10/2022 17:38

I know exactly how difficult those meetings are to arrange. It's very unfortunate but It takes precedence.

Your partner may well feel upset - perhaps deflecting his own feelings and worries for his stepmum etc. Grief can leave people feeling vulnerable. But he should understand that in this instance it's out of your control.
(Strictly speaking if his priority was to have you there he should have liaised with his step mum more clearly )

Emsypops · 02/10/2022 17:40

The meeting for your child comes first. It's unfortunate that you will miss the funeral but it can't be helped.

burnoutbabe · 02/10/2022 17:46

i would not risk trying to access it remotely in case something doesn't work. I'd attend in person.

Electric1Driver2lessVehicle3 · 02/10/2022 17:48

Realistically, you cannot be in two places at once

Your child is your priority on this day, due to the appointments, unless you request a reschedule

moose62 · 02/10/2022 17:48

Your son is the most important person here. If you went and something went wrong with your internet connection or you missed the meeting - how would you feel?

Original poster
whirleywoo · 02/10/2022 17:54

Thank you, your responses have been very helpful and have actually picked up on some aspects of our relationship I'd not overtly stated. I felt unreasonable and selfish of me to even raise or challenge the fact he had not had a simple discussion about the time.

Now having read the responses I can see that this "dilemma" is actually a repeat of a pattern of behaviour he engages with around me which I need to reflect on further. I'd not linked it prior to reading the responses. I think the fact I'll be worried at his reaction when telling him probably says all that needs to be said.

I'd not even thought about what would happen if the internet was patchy and I ended up missing the meeting entirely. The guilt would be awful.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/10/2022 18:02

He did not think it worth mentioning to ensure you could be there. Prioritise your dc and go to the meeting. Have you been together long?

SuperCamp · 02/10/2022 18:06

I think it is far far better to be at these sorts of meetings in person, OP.

It will all be very hard for your DH and I am sure he would want you with him. But this is a situation that could only have been resolved by him talking about timing. Though I dare say that was a very delicate matter.

It’s tough, but the truth is the truth: Your OH is in a relationship with a woman who has a child. That child’s needs will always come first when there is a clash. In addition the child has additional needs which will always mean you are under extra pressure and facing additional demands. Unless your OH is able to fully appreciate these truths your relationship is on thin ice anyway.

Not attending this meeting would be of significant long term detriment to your child. You can support your OH before and after the funeral. Grief is not a one day event. (Unlike your meeting). Ongoing support will be invaluable to him… if he chooses to understand and accept.

Craftybodger · 02/10/2022 18:10

When I read your OP, I was thinking you had to go to support him.

Then I read about the meeting. You have to be there for your son.

It would be so kind to support your partner at the funeral, but your son’s needs have to take priority. Understandably your partner didn’t restrict his step-mother’s timings of the funeral, but he can’t then criticise you for not being able to attend.

pinheadlarry · 02/10/2022 18:14

Is it possible to attend the meeting and then go to the funeral straight after?

saraclara · 02/10/2022 18:15

As others have said, if it was that important to your husband that you were at the funeral, he should have told his mother that this date wasn't an option for him.
He knew about the meeting at the start, it's not as though it was arranged after the fact.
In this case your child comes first.

Annasgirl · 02/10/2022 18:16

pinheadlarry · 02/10/2022 18:14

Is it possible to attend the meeting and then go to the funeral straight after?

The funeral is 300 miles away 🙄

PianoHouseBanger · 02/10/2022 18:16

It's not the partners doing, that the funeral time is what it is, and he isn't selfish nor unreasonable for wanting his partner there either. His Dad has just been killed ffs.

It also isn't unreasonable for OP to need to put her son first. Of course OP should be and is doing just that, but this isn't a situation of who's right/wrong. It's just unfortunate timing.

AutumnCrow · 02/10/2022 18:18

These meetings are like gold dust. And your son has two medical appointments as well?

Please don't miss them.

Your boyfriend sounds very self-absorbed.

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