To not go to the funeral....

[whirleywoo]

My OH's Dad passed away suddenly in a car accident. He lived quite some distance away (over 300 miles) and I had only met him on a few occasions. However, my OH had a good relationship with him and is understandably devastated.

When we got the phone call about the accident we dropped everything and we went travelled to be with his step-mum as she has no other family and friends living nearby. This was not easy as I have a child (my child, not my OH) with very complex needs who needs specialist care. I stayed with them as long I could before having to come home for my son.

OH's Dad did not want a formal funeral and there will be a meet at the crematorium of 10 people with a poem read, 2 songs played and then drinks afterwards. When I was told of the potential date I said I would try my best but to bare in mind there was a multi-disciplinary meeting booked with every professional involved in my son's care that day in the afternoon which has taken 18 months to arrange including a court order. I then arranged to attend the meeting virtually so I could be at the funeral and also attend the meeting, thinking I could do both in the same day.

Despite various time options on the day, the crematorium has been booked for the exact time the meeting starts. My OH wants me there but said he did not tell his step-mum about my son's meeting as he wanted to go with whatever time she wanted.

What he now wants is for me to travel up, do the meeting virtually whilst the funeral takes place and just be around before and after it. This is not easy as it's a 600 mile round drive for me and I'll need to arrange two days and nights of care for my son, plus he'll miss two medical appointments.

I want to be there for OH but equally I am starting to consider not going. Would i be unreasonable not to go?

You should be able to tell him anything and not be fearful of his reaction. That in itself is concerning.

You need to be at this meeting.
You also need to be there in person.

Your OH needed to say to his family "Can we make it any day except X date as Whirleywoo won't be able to come on that date."
He has failed to do so, so it is on him that you can't be there.

I have a son with extra needs and the amount of organising and rearranging to get his EHCP meeting to even occur is unreal.

Do NOT jeopardise attending the meeting in person for anyone. Attending online is a poor substitute for in person. Your son needs you to be 100% focused on him .... and not worrying about being to long as your DP is hanging around in the background.

As it has taken so long to arrange...plus court involvement.... l wouldn't risk given any Professionals/individuals involved any ammunition that l am not 100% committed to my son's care.

Because it's his father who died, ffs. When we were planning my DH's funeral, his daughters were every bit as important as me, and we discussed everything to make sure that all our needs were met as far as possible.

Wants and needs as FrenchBoule said.

The timings are unfortunate but your child’s needs come first.

He is putting his needs above your sons. But is it standard behaviour?

Does he have much tolerance/understanding of your sons needs?

It's quite worrying you've had to sit on telling him for three days. Do you think he'll react badly?

I do think you're doing the right thing not going. Your son needs you. I wouldn't recommend such an important meeting be done virtually.

Why would you not? We scheduled my dad’s funeral around another family member’s commitment. Then again I don’t actually live in Mumsnetland where people act like assholes

I was going to stick up for your bf because of the people calling him selfish when he is going through an undeniably hard time, but you have updated that this isn’t in fact new behaviour so definitely something for you to think about.

however I was also going to say to really have to attend the appt for your child if it is something you have fought long and hard for.

I think this is a great solution. He lived in a remote part of scotland and there was talk of a walk up a mountain to spread the ashes. I can add the suggestion into the conversation I am there for that instead, Thank you

Have you had single parent responsibility for a vulnerable child with special needs?

I'd go to the meeting. These meetings take a lot of planning to get everyone around the table. I feel for your oh but I think you need to put your child first.

It's actually not an EHCP meeting. It is the result of a tribunal order following his March 2021 EHCP meeting which I appealed (you will get the ridiculous time line). He now has weekly private and NHS therapies, additional school support and MD team involvement as a result of it. I think you will understand the significance of it as much as an EHCP meeting as you are in the same "SEN world" as me. I cannot believe these things have collided. I think part of my upset these past few days has been a mix of the sadness for my OH and his step-mum combined with the knowledge my life is dependent on paid help and others diaries to be able to even think about attending something as significant as a funeral.

I totally understand. Everything is a bloody fight in the SEN world.... and then the "real" world collides with it.

But... ultimately... DS has to take priority.

And if your DP doesn't understand this, then l think some soul searching about the relationship is needed. He is allowed to be upset as it is a dreadful time for him, but he doesn't get to try and emotionally manipulate you to forfeit your DS needs for his. He is an adult .... your son only has you to advocate for him.

To actually get professionals to attend the meeting is an achievement and you MUST be there in person.... and DS must attend his other appointments.

I thought my point was clear, but maybe not - OP has the very rare case of something unavoidable means she clearly absolutely can't make the funeral. There aren't many things important enough to keep you away from your partner's parent's funeral but this is one of them.

The way you worded that makes you sound like a bit of a professional wailer.

OP these kinds of meetings, the coordination that goes into them come far above most things. You need to be there at the meeting. Virtual means you could miss something. Your bloke didn't seem to give the consideration of the time and he's being unreasonable expecting you to do both.

Completely disagree. His dad has died! Have you ever experienced the death of a parent? It’s all consuming whatever your relationship with them was like. OP only has one chance to support their partner at his dad’s funeral. OP’s son’s meeting can be rearranged - it’s difficult yes, but not as important as a funeral.

All these people saying the funeral is less important - I hope you remember those words when it comes to the death and funeral of your own parents.

how easy do you find these meetings to arrange?

Have you had single parent responsibility for a vulnerable child with special needs?

I have and I have also had the recent death of a parent. An actual DEATH. The death trumps the meeting. Always.

Hmm how easy do you find these meetings to arrange?

A hell of a lot easier than bringing someone back to life.

I'm sorry for your loss @MarigoldPetals, I do understand that the death of a DP would be incredibly hard.

But can't you see that OP would be failing her DC by not attending the meeting. It took 18 months to arrange - how quickly could it be rescheduled? Meanwhile the DS could be missing out on vital parts of his care.

OP has Hobsons choice, but as a parent there is no real choice to be made.

So you would rather a child be left to struggle for the sake a a service?

How long have you been with your OH? Do you live together?

But attending a funeral doesn’t bring someone back to life. This meeting could make a significant difference to a child’s life. Go to the meeting OP, it better honours the dead to love the living.

So true