To not go to the funeral....

[whirleywoo]

My OH's Dad passed away suddenly in a car accident. He lived quite some distance away (over 300 miles) and I had only met him on a few occasions. However, my OH had a good relationship with him and is understandably devastated.

When we got the phone call about the accident we dropped everything and we went travelled to be with his step-mum as she has no other family and friends living nearby. This was not easy as I have a child (my child, not my OH) with very complex needs who needs specialist care. I stayed with them as long I could before having to come home for my son.

OH's Dad did not want a formal funeral and there will be a meet at the crematorium of 10 people with a poem read, 2 songs played and then drinks afterwards. When I was told of the potential date I said I would try my best but to bare in mind there was a multi-disciplinary meeting booked with every professional involved in my son's care that day in the afternoon which has taken 18 months to arrange including a court order. I then arranged to attend the meeting virtually so I could be at the funeral and also attend the meeting, thinking I could do both in the same day.

Despite various time options on the day, the crematorium has been booked for the exact time the meeting starts. My OH wants me there but said he did not tell his step-mum about my son's meeting as he wanted to go with whatever time she wanted.

What he now wants is for me to travel up, do the meeting virtually whilst the funeral takes place and just be around before and after it. This is not easy as it's a 600 mile round drive for me and I'll need to arrange two days and nights of care for my son, plus he'll miss two medical appointments.

I want to be there for OH but equally I am starting to consider not going. Would i be unreasonable not to go?

That's really cracked me up - I know you don't know me, but it's really tickled me.

You're a necromancer?

These meetings are hardcore. They're incredibly hard to arrange and they're needed far more than attending a funeral of someone you don't know that well.

It did paint a bit of a picture

Lots of us will have missed funerals during covid because of the restrictions. It’s sad, but sometimes that’s just the way it is.

Tell him you can’t go. Commit to a later visit for ashes scattering.

I'm sorry for your loss, it's obvious things are raw for you. But this man isn't the OPs parent. She barely knows him.

V true

So some posters actually believe it's possible (not easy, mind, but possible) to bring dead people back to life?

And there's me thinking the lasagne recipes on here were 'out there'.

Of course I understand that you need to go to the meeting. But I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh towards your partner. Losing a parent is a life changing and emotional experience. Losing a parent who is killed in a road accident is shocking and traumatic. It happened to me. I can't believe people are calling him selfish for wanting you by his side.

I think that poster is grieving from the looks of it and possibly didn't word it the way it sounded in the head first.

They’re not saying he’s selfish for wanting her by his side - of course that’s a given.

He’s selfish for not understanding the severity of her son’s needs, the nature of the meeting, the impact it will have on his future care, the stress involved of trying to make her choose between her do or his DH’s funeral.

Yes he’s bereaved & in shock so it could be understandable but it’s not any old “meeting” & OP clearly sounds distraught at having to make this choice.

He isn't being called selfish for wanting her by his side.
He has chosen to allow the funeral to be arranged at the one time the OP can't do.
There are only 10 people likely to be at the funeral, and only 2 of them are likely to have commitments to work round, and he didn't do this.

My DH's beloved gran died some years ago. The funeral was scheduled for his trip away to a poor country to do some essential input on conflict resolution and violence reduction. If he cancelled the trip, the organisation had no more funds to reschedule him.
DH had to miss the funeral and do his job, while I attended with our young sons and read a eulogy that he had written for his gran.
MIL in law commented to me, at the funeral of her own mother, "Poor son; I bet in his wildest dream he wouldn't have thought he couldn't have come to his gran's funeral."
She understood other things have to happen and that there can be another way, like me doing DH's eulogy or you scattering ashes at a later date.
I hope you are safe and not in fear of telling your partner that you are absolutely not able to attend his dad's funeral.

I have.
Both parents
Plus one of my siblings.

Each of their funerals was arranged once we'd spoken to each other about what day would be best. It is the usual way, IME.
I would say it is even more obvious when it has been said there are so few people to actually work around.
The OP wants to support her OH but her OH has now made that impossible.

Yes I think the OH should have said he couldn't make that day or that time, but I guess maybe with a step mum it can be a bit more of an awkward situation and he had his head in the sand a little thinking that surely he couldn't be so unlucky for them to clash.

It's just one of those things. My cousin missed our grandparent's funeral for a crucial consultant's appointment, my FIL missed a family funeral due to a minor medical procedure that couldn't be rescheduled.

NC for this. My sister missed my grandmother's (big, Catholic) funeral. Her baby daughter was ill and she needed to be at home. We're from the kind of big, slightly disfunctional, Catholic family that prides itself on 'coming together' for such occasions, but everyone completely understood why she wasn't there. It happens, sometimes.

She also missed my BIL's father's funeral during peak-Covid. One of the kids had it so she had to stay at home with him. BIL and the other kids stayed with us so that he could attend without exposing any of the other relatives. We would never have imagined a situation where she wouldn't be with him for it, but again, it happened.

You feel as though everything should stop, and you should just be able to prioritise a funeral, but sometimes you just can't. I think you're in one of those times.

We "dated" loosely for a good 18 months, his choice not mine. Then together two years from then. We don't officially live together but he is at mine 95% of the time (he's not a leach, he's actually wealthy and does not need to work but prefers to have his own place). We're in our 40's. He has no children and would never have them or marry. It's not conventional but my life since my son was born has been anything but.

OH's family are mainly estranged from each other and his Dad had chosen to live in very remote area. Even his step mum (his Dad's girlfriend) lived apart from OH's Dad half the year at her own place. It worked for them. Each to their own.

For further context I lost my own Dad 6 months ago which was also devastating. I do know how hard it is. His funeral was based around my son's care arrangements but this felt reasonable to request given it was my Dad. I did feel unreasonable to ask for an adjustment here but without it, it has become impossible for me.

A court had to order it. Honestly. I know it's hard to believe but schools, LA's and the NHS are not always cooperative with meeting the needs of children.

I don’t think your DP is thinking like a parent - no disrespect to him as one (if he does parent your DS at all) but his actions regarding this suggest that IMO.

And your description te his choices re DC etc.

(Although there are plenty biological parents/fathers who are not particularly thoughtful or involved in their DC’s lives obviously).

He should have told his step mum of the only day you wouldn't be able to attend. You cannot miss such an important meeting for your son.

This is it. I do feel everything should stop and I am struggling that it can't.

It would not have been hard for him to say “not the 1st as I want whirleywoo to support me”. No reasonable* *person is going to say no to a grieving son unless it was the only date available.

Your OH has put step mum ahead of himself, fine to do so but not to then try and get you to cancel something that has taken 18 months to get in place.

My son would come first. X

Fair enough, @gamerchick

Yep course you need to prioritise your sons meeting over all else. I don’t think anyone sensible would expect you to do anything else. Attending virtually is not the same as being there, you could miss nuance, find it harder to hear or contribute etc.

it’s awful and it’s very sad you can’t be there to support your partner but you’re between a rock and a hard place.